Animals: Today, I was at the beach and fell asleep in the sun. When I... - FML

By poopedon - Canada

Today, I was at the beach and fell asleep in the sun. When I woke up, there was a blob of sunscreen on my leg. Thinking it was my boyfriend who was sweet enough to squeeze sunscreen for me, I rubbed it into my leg. After smelling my hands, I discovered it was bird poop. FML

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Taking stock

Small town blues

Minefield

By ohgodwhy

Today, me, my boyfriend and his family stayed at an AirBnB while on a trip. While I was doing my makeup, my boyfriend told me he was going to take a shower. A few minutes later, I went in the bathroom to shave my legs thinking my boyfriend was in there, but his dad was in the shower, scrubbing his ass. FML

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By Mary - United States

Today, like all days, my cat brought something to my doorstep. Usually it's a slew of dead mice; but today he decided to bring this big, ugly snake. I'm always the only one in my family 'brave' enough to go fetch our cat's gift. It took until lifting it up to realize the snake wasn't dead. FML

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By HighasaCloud

Today, while typing at my desk, I leaned back in my chair to stretch my arms. A spider dangling from the ceiling must have been watching me since it had perfect timing on its descent right into my open yawning mouth. FML

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By notoneatall - Canada - Oakville

Today, I got called a cunt at work by a customer. What could I have said that could have caused them to say that? "Have a great day." FML

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By ouch - United States - Lutz

Today, I was cashiering, and a customer's change came to $5.51. She looked pretty stinking rich, so I just gave her $5.50. She demanded the extra penny, and I asked if she really needed it. She said, "No, but they do, asshole," and dropped her $5.51 in the charity donation box. FML

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By Davey Crocker - 23/4/2020 08:00

Stay safe, wear a hazmat suit

Today, my coworker volunteered me to drop laptops off at two sites outside our normal areas. I asked if they were safe from COVID-19. "I don't know, but you're young. You'll be okay," responded the man who's been working from home for weeks. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I lost my job. I was so upset that I put in my favorite mix CD of all the songs that get me feeling better. While scanning for my favorite song, I hit the car in front of me. FML

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By frenchie12

Get back here!

Today, I hooked up with a girl. The condom fell off when I pulled out. When the girl left I could not find it. I saw my roommate cat's with it, so I chased him and he escaped. My roommate now wants to kill me. She found the condom on her bed and does not believe me. I might have to move out. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I got pulled over for going a few miles per hour over the speed limit. The cop asked for my license and registration. I happened to look down at my wallet while he was processing everything and saw my license in my wallet. I gave the cop my fake I.D. FML

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By shinymcface

Today, I went to the bathroom at work and there was a reed diffuser placed on the tank of the toilet. As I sat down, my hair knocked it off and the reed diffuser landed behind me, spilling the scented oil into my butt crack and vagina, burning me completely. I only had to work 6 more hours. FML

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By m0m - Belgium - Brasschaat

Today, I had to explain to my 27 year-old sister why a stainless steel fork isn't a good toy for my 8 month-old baby. Twice. FML

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By m - United States - South Whitley

Today, my mom's intense fear of tornadoes caused her to break into the bathroom, drag me off the toilet while I was changing my tampon, and drag me to the basement with my pants around my ankles to join my father, brother, and my brother's best friend. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while having sex with my husband, he went soft. When I asked him what happened he said, "I'm about to fall asleep." He then plopped down on my chest and began to snore. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I met my favourite singer, but when she signed my CD, the marker was out of ink. By the time I realised there was no signature, she was already gone. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, we were celebrating my birthday and my boyfriend thought it would be funny to shove my face in the cake. While the candles were still lit. FML

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By Smoothskin - Australia - Heidelberg

Today, I shaved my face after several months of growth. This would be OK if my 4-year-old daughter would still talk to me. Apparently she doesn't recognise me, and I'm scary. FML

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By healthfreak - United States - Marietta

Today, my daughter's teacher called me, very concerned, because my child told the whole class she's not virgin anymore. The word is "vegan", honey. FML

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By TooShort - United States

Today, I walked into a restaurant with my parents to celebrate my Mom's birthday. They immediately got a kid's menu and crayons out for me. I'm 15. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boss told me when I transfer to a Target in Orlando I should work in the clothing department. He said it would be a good way for me to meet chicks. I told him all the girls who work in clothing in that store are ugly as hell. Apparently his daughters work there. I never knew that. FML

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By Anonymous - South Africa - Johannesburg

Today, my estranged father, with whom I haven't spoken in years, called me and demanded to know where his Father's Day gift was. FML

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By cats before idiots

Today, I brought my boyfriend to my house for the first time. He freaked out when he saw my cat, and had to leave because he's allergic. I've posted many pictures of my cat in Instagram, but he didn't say anything about his allergy because he thought it was just a random cat. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/10/2020 08:58 - United States

Ties that bind

Today, I offered to give my ex a ride home from work. He and I ended on good terms years ago, we just aren't compatible with each other. I dropped him off and not ten seconds later, he came back out looking sick. His fiancee was inside having sex with MY new boyfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my friend was having a party. It was going good until I got the hiccups really bad, and they wouldn't go away. My friend decided to scare them away by shooting a pellet gun right next to my head. Bad news: It blew out my eardrum. I still have the hiccups. FML

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By jack - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I found out why my girlfriend comes over for dinner so often. She thinks my dad is a real babe. FML

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By Marcella - United States

Today, my fiance told me he thought it was time that we started to see other people. I'm six months pregnant with his baby. FML

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By gatewayev700 - United States - Reading

Today, my mom told me she'd canceled my spring break trip to Europe for my 16th birthday. Why? So I could get my wisdom teeth pulled 2 months early. FML

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By dumb tourists - China - Beijing

Today, a blonde tourist came up to me and asked me for directions to the nearest train station. I politely directed her there, and she left. Five minutes later, she came back and slapped me for not bringing her to an "English-speaking station". We're in China, lady. FML

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By lene - 11/3/2021 04:57

Management balls-up

Today, I was fired for not completing the required computer training, which no one told me about. I was told that it's my responsibility to check it every week. It would have been nice if a single one of my supervisors had given me any indication whatsoever that this was the case. FML

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By panda

Today, the dog went nuts at 3am. I searched the yard with a spotlight and machete. Nothing. He may actually just be an asshole. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Boston

Today, I tried to be nice and let a homeless man have a place to crash for the night. He repaid me by pissing all over my new couch. FML

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By carnivore - United States

Today, my vegetarian housemate cleaned the fridge. He threw away all of the meat in our fridge and made a nice sign stating "Meat is Murder". I was storing roughly $1000 worth of filet mignon steaks and seafood for my sister's wedding. FML

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By singleasapringle - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I went back to my high school for an event with some of my friends, both of which are in relationships. Whilst there we saw our favorite teacher, who hugged us and said, "I heard you have a boyfriend! And so do you!" And then she turned to me and said, "And... And you're doing great things!" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend told me there was good news and bad news. Bad news: she's pregnant. Good news: I'm probably not the father. FML

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By stupiddrunk - United Kingdom

Today, I woke up after a night out drinking on my sofa, with an electric dog collar around my neck and handcuffs on my wrists. The keys were on the other side of the invisible doggy fence. FML

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By random - Canada

Today, I was taking a dump in the bathroom. The lights turned off and I was too embarrassed to come out of the stall. The janitor walked in, turned the lights on and asked If anyone was there. I stayed quiet. He turned the lights back off and locked me in the bathroom. FML

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By ...thanks - United States

Today, my best friend confessed to me that she's a lesbian. She quickly added, "Oh, don't worry, I don't like you. You're not attractive." FML

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By lovehaterelationship - Austria - Graz

Today, I had to study for an important test but I could barely focus because my roommate had his music blasting at full volume. Since we get along well, I decided to put up with it. I just found out he forgot to turn it off and left over 6 hours ago. FML

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By bluebelle - Australia

Today, my boyfriend brought me a bunny for a house present for moving into our first house. She escaped her cage and bit through the electrical wires, cutting out all our power and electrocuting and killing herself. FML

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By ew - United States - San Antonio

Today, I painted my nails in the car. After I finished, I stuck my hands out the window to let them dry. When I pulled my hands back in there were live bugs stuck in my nail polish. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - New Bloomfield

Good boy

Today, I was riding my bike, when I saw a large dog sitting in front of a house. I started to really crank the pedals, figuring that by the time it saw me, I'd be long gone. My chain popped off, I lost control and crashed onto the side of the road. The dog hadn't moved. It was a statue. FML

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Top comments

By RhiannonD | 0

#144329 - Sunday 26 April 2009 12:36

Why would your boyfriend squeeze a blob of sunscreen and just leave it like that on your leg?

By LilKonvicted | 0

#144288 - Sunday 26 April 2009 12:16

Haven't you heard??

Bird is the word

COMMENTS

By OuttaMind | 0

#144261 - Sunday 26 April 2009 12:07

First. :P And damn, that sucks!

Reply

picabo889 | 11

#1087200 - Wednesday 14 July 2010 3:49

so yur at the beach...cant u just wash it off right when u noticed?

By afrojojo24 | 0

#144273 - Sunday 26 April 2009 12:12

HAHAHA!

By fleg | 9

#144274 - Sunday 26 April 2009 12:12

hahahahahahahaha

By danza_fml | 0

#144275 - Sunday 26 April 2009 12:12

This just made my day :)

By venom7 | 0

#144280 - Sunday 26 April 2009 12:14

haha.. don't you know how sunscreen looks or sooo obviously smells like!? Congratulations girl u deserve it :p
plus if you think ur bf will just leave the sunscreen there as a spot on you, I suggest u bring him this famous book linkbee.com/OMV1 LOOOOOOOOL!!!

By LilKonvicted | 0

#144288 - Sunday 26 April 2009 12:16

Haven't you heard??

Bird is the word

Reply

_Damien_ | 0

#1239309 - Saturday 14 August 2010 5:47

LOL

Reply

i_wuz_nver_here | 31

#2187197 - Wednesday 16 March 2011 3:35

win

By thunderbrave | 0

#144297 - Sunday 26 April 2009 12:20

A-well-a everybody's heard about the bird

Reply

franniedottp | 8

#1196121 - Friday 6 August 2010 2:04

bbbbbb bird bird bird b-b-birds the word!

Reply

uhazsquiads | 0

#1237540 - Friday 13 August 2010 21:59

I say the b b b bird the bird is the word

By yojoeletsmakeout | 0

#144308 - Sunday 26 April 2009 12:26

The bird was kinder than your boyfriend. It took the time to protect you from the sun, with it's own shit.

Reply

TempestJones | 0

#881616 - Monday 22 February 2010 8:21

ROFLMFAO!!!! That was exactly what went through my head!!! Hahahaha... OP, YDI for being a fucktard.

Reply

wolfeyes00 | 10

#5971452 - Tuesday 10 June 2014 22:38

erm, in wgat way was it her fault? yeah she didnt notice befire she rubber, but getting shat on doesnt make her a fucktard...

By cwdeus | 0

#144327 - Sunday 26 April 2009 12:35

Probably YDI for thinking your boyfriend is sweet. LOL.

Just kiddin'.

By RhiannonD | 0

#144329 - Sunday 26 April 2009 12:36

Why would your boyfriend squeeze a blob of sunscreen and just leave it like that on your leg?

Reply

TheSlimer | 4

#6570123 - Tuesday 29 March 2016 21:25

Idk