Today, I was at the beach and fell asleep in the sun. When I... - FML

By poopedon - Canada

Today, I was at the beach and fell asleep in the sun. When I woke up, there was a blob of sunscreen on my leg. Thinking it was my boyfriend who was sweet enough to squeeze sunscreen for me, I rubbed it into my leg. After smelling my hands, I discovered it was bird poop. FML

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Understandable

Serial killer

Class Wars - UK Edition

By bitchasaurusrex - Canada

Today, I was driving with my mother. The ride was 2 hours long. For the first hour, she talked about how uncomfortable sex is the first time. For the second, she talked about how I should take accordion lessons. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my one-year-old son threw up on the man sitting next to us on a plane. I felt bad and apologized profusely. When I tried to give him money for dry cleaning, he slapped me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I took my daughter to the lake. She told me she had to go to the bathroom and I whispered to her "just pee in the lake, it's fine, but go in a little deeper." She went in the lake and turned to me to yell "MOM, IS THIS DEEP ENOUGH FOR ME TO PEE?" FML

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By Anonymous

Today, due to bad weather, my dad let me take his car to drive to my apartment 3 hours away. I only realized when I got there that my keys were still sitting on my parents' kitchen counter. FML

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By SignificantShrinkage

Today, I found out that when you gain too much weight, your penis can get significantly smaller. After noticing that things had been "off" in the bedroom, my girlfriend and I decided to measure it. There was significant shrinkage. I guess it's time to start working out. FML

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By peele - Estonia - Tallinn

Today, a coworker jokingly noted that my signature looks like "Pedo". I couldn't see it that way, so I asked some other people for their opinion. They confessed they'd always thought it looked like "Pedo", but never said anything. My name is Peele. I've been signing it off as Pedo for 10 years. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Burbank

Today, I noticed the only time my husband stops snoring like a drunken horse is so that he can fart. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, a fight broke out between my 21 year old sister and our 6 year old brother. I tried to intervene, only to end up getting battered to shit in the process. According to my sister, he's going to hell for eating her candy. FML

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By Broke as hell - 7/4/2020 23:00

Hangry

Today, after being robbed last week, I had no money to go to the store for food. Instead, my dinner consisted of two Tums chewables in tropical fruit flavors. After not eating all day, I thought they actually tasted pretty good. FML

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By mama

Today, I went to the doctor's office after getting a positive pregnancy test. She did another one to confirm the result, which came back negative. My husband is wandering around with a great big smile on his face, because he isn't going to have a "rugrat." FML

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By Mary - United States

Today, I called a pest control company to ask them to come over to my place to help get rid of rats. The person on the phone told me to "be a man and stop acting like a girl". I'm a woman. FML

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By uglychick - Canada

Today, my brother came out of the shower and sat with my mom and me on the couch. He then says he liked the idea of the extra toothbrush in the shower, it helps him clean between his toes. I have been using that to brush my teeth for the last two weeks. FML

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By Anonymous - Switzerland - Corminboeuf

Today, I told my parents I don't really like children and probably won't have any in the future. They sat me down and gave me a lecture on how people who hate kids are heartless. FML

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By deadbeatdad - United States - Edmond

Today, I popped two tires hitting a curb. I called my dad hysterical, and he told me to call my mom and hung up. My mom's been dead for seven years. FML

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By Victoria - Australia - Perth

My name is?

Today, while interviewing for a job, I was greeted by the interviewer with a handshake and a greeting of, "Hello Victoria, my name is Bill." I responded with, "Hello. My name is Bill." I think it's safe to assume I didn't get the job. FML

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By maryfaithh - United States

Today, I tried to open a can with a potato peeler. For a minute I forgot what a can opener looked like. FML

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By Rainman - United States

Today, I had to water my entire garden. After an exhausting hour of watering hundreds of plants, I turned off the hose and started to feel good about the grueling job. That is, until it started pouring rain. FML

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By yeah_im_mad_bro - Canada

Today, it's been a week since my little brother took up his new hobby of posting "cool story, bro" in reply to almost every Facebook status and comment that I make. Not only do I already want to smash his face against a brick wall, my parents will ground me if I defriend any family members. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Houston

Today, I found out that I'm highly-placed in my wrestling competition this year. I also found out that I have mono and won't be able to take part for at least the first half of the competition. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my husband and I were having sex. It was stormy outside, and when lightning flashed through the window, he screamed like a little girl and scrambled off the bed. FML

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By fuckedbyahipster - Finland

Today, I was lectured by a self-professed vegan over my "barbaric" eating habits, in between her scarfing down a tuna fish sandwich. FML

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By Aaron - United States

Today, I walked to my local McDonald's. I spent the last 7 dollars I had on my meal. As I began to walk back to my dorm, I was mugged. I explained to them I had no money, so they stole my food. FML

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By sadguy - Czech Republic

Today, I decided to propose to my girlfriend on the Charles Bridge in Prague. A little boy thought it would be fun to chase a flock of pigeons towards me. I freaked out and dropped the 2 carat diamond ring. Into the river. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Southam

Today, I got called a "politically correct loser" by a woman at the supermarket, all because I said I didn't want to find out the gender of my baby until birth. FML

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By Dora - Canada

Today, I won 10,555 dollars on scratch cards! My sister got me to do a happy dance and filmed it. The video is on facebook and the tickets were fake. FML

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By EFFFF - United States

Today, the ex who I'm still in love with told me he wishes we could be together, but that first I really need to get over the fact that he already has a wife and kids. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I went over to my friend’s house while she was sick. In order to show me how bad her sense of smell was, she took a handful of VapoRub and rubbed it all over and inside of my nose then said, “Can you smell that? I can’t.” Yes, I can. But I can also feel my nostrils burning. FML.

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By ohhaithur

Today, my mom accused me of stealing $350 from her. She didn't accuse my unemployed brother, who just bought a brand new iPhone. Even after he confessed to her, she thought he was covering for me. My brother has a criminal record for theft. FML

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By notsohot - United States

Today, I was walking when I heard a car horn honk. I looked up to see a hot guy giving me a thumbs up. As he got a better look at me, he made a disgusted face and flipped his hand so he was giving me a thumbs down. FML

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By MDWilde - United States - North Pole

Today, my husband and I found out that our daughter's chronic stomach aches are due to gluten intolerance, so we need to cut all wheat out of our diet. We're bakers. FML

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By Weddingbelles - United States - Saint Louis

Today, at the end of my 10-hour shift, my manager made me count exactly how many business cards were left in inventory before I could leave. She didn't believe me when the number came to exactly 3000. She made me count them all again. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my wife and I had a huge fight. I was getting ready to go to sleep on the couch when she came downstairs and grabbed a very large metal spoon. I'm afraid to go to sleep. FML

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By KP - United States

Today, while I was working a customer notified me that the men's restroom need some attention. Thinking that there was just a small mess, I walked into the restroom only to discover someone had taken a crap in the sink. Guess who got to clean it. FML

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By NoMagicMike - United States - La Crescent

Today, I was assigned to work on a huge project with Michael. Michael refers to himself in the third person, constantly mumbles unintelligibly to himself, doesn't smile, laugh or make eye contact, and refuses to address me directly. I'll be stuck with him for about four months. FML

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By arrestedgun - Canada

Today, I went to a dollar store with a couple friends to buy cap guns to play with. We were having a lot of fun with them, and took them onto a bus. 5 minutes later, three cops got on, handcuffed us, and sternly talked to us about the dangers of guns. We got arrested for toy guns. We are 17. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I confirmed that my neighbors burn their garbage in their backyard. How? My dog just threw up a nice smelly consistency of spaghetti, plastic and cigarette butts on my carpet. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my husband laughed at me for farting in the bathtub; I lied by admitting to it. The fact is that I have enough back-fat to create suction against the bathtub. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I was giving a friend a neck rub, when she started to breathe heavily. So I figured she was getting into it, so I started kissing her neck, she then turns around and says "Tell my room mate I'm having an asthma attack." FML

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By vampyrate3562 - United Kingdom

Today, I had to run for the train, but because of my bad foot and limping they held the train, much to people's displeasure. No one let me sit down, so for the 20 minute journey, I stood. With a bad foot. FML

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By atomwolf - United Kingdom - Southampton

Today, I wanted to work out the volume of my penis and did so on the first piece of paper I could find on my desk. After I finished the calculations I realized that the other side of the paper was in fact my school report. It's the only copy I have. FML

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Top comments

By RhiannonD | 0

#144329 - Sunday 26 April 2009 12:36

Why would your boyfriend squeeze a blob of sunscreen and just leave it like that on your leg?

By LilKonvicted | 0

#144288 - Sunday 26 April 2009 12:16

Haven't you heard??

Bird is the word

COMMENTS

By OuttaMind | 0

#144261 - Sunday 26 April 2009 12:07

First. :P And damn, that sucks!

Reply

picabo889 | 11

#1087200 - Wednesday 14 July 2010 3:49

so yur at the beach...cant u just wash it off right when u noticed?

By afrojojo24 | 0

#144273 - Sunday 26 April 2009 12:12

HAHAHA!

By fleg | 9

#144274 - Sunday 26 April 2009 12:12

hahahahahahahaha

By danza_fml | 0

#144275 - Sunday 26 April 2009 12:12

This just made my day :)

By venom7 | 0

#144280 - Sunday 26 April 2009 12:14

haha.. don't you know how sunscreen looks or sooo obviously smells like!? Congratulations girl u deserve it :p
plus if you think ur bf will just leave the sunscreen there as a spot on you, I suggest u bring him this famous book linkbee.com/OMV1 LOOOOOOOOL!!!

By LilKonvicted | 0

#144288 - Sunday 26 April 2009 12:16

Haven't you heard??

Bird is the word

Reply

_Damien_ | 0

#1239309 - Saturday 14 August 2010 5:47

LOL

Reply

i_wuz_nver_here | 31

#2187197 - Wednesday 16 March 2011 3:35

win

By thunderbrave | 0

#144297 - Sunday 26 April 2009 12:20

A-well-a everybody's heard about the bird

Reply

franniedottp | 8

#1196121 - Friday 6 August 2010 2:04

bbbbbb bird bird bird b-b-birds the word!

Reply

uhazsquiads | 0

#1237540 - Friday 13 August 2010 21:59

I say the b b b bird the bird is the word

By yojoeletsmakeout | 0

#144308 - Sunday 26 April 2009 12:26

The bird was kinder than your boyfriend. It took the time to protect you from the sun, with it's own shit.

Reply

TempestJones | 0

#881616 - Monday 22 February 2010 8:21

ROFLMFAO!!!! That was exactly what went through my head!!! Hahahaha... OP, YDI for being a fucktard.

Reply

wolfeyes00 | 10

#5971452 - Tuesday 10 June 2014 22:38

erm, in wgat way was it her fault? yeah she didnt notice befire she rubber, but getting shat on doesnt make her a fucktard...

By cwdeus | 0

#144327 - Sunday 26 April 2009 12:35

Probably YDI for thinking your boyfriend is sweet. LOL.

Just kiddin'.

By RhiannonD | 0

#144329 - Sunday 26 April 2009 12:36

Why would your boyfriend squeeze a blob of sunscreen and just leave it like that on your leg?

Reply

TheSlimer | 4

#6570123 - Tuesday 29 March 2016 21:25

Idk