Today, my 250 lb ex-Marine dad announced he was going to start randomly punching me in the crotch, without warning, to "improve my reflexes." FML
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Today, I started training for a charity boxing match. When I got home and walked through the door, my dad punched me in the stomach to test my reaction time. As I lay on the floor trying to catch my breath, he said my reaction time was "terrible". FML
Today, I told my dad I started taking jiu-jitsu lessons. He responded by laughing and saying, "Martial arts are for pussies, you should just get a gun." FML
Today, my dad stopped me mid-sentence and said he wanted to punch me in the face and set me on fire for using the word "selfie". FML
Today, I found out just how easy it is to be launched against the wall and sucker-punched into oblivion by a 200-pound former Marine turned professional body-builder. I discovered this after I told my fiancée's dad that we were expecting a baby. FML
Today, I introduced my dad to my boyfriend. I gave my dad the middle finger and he thumped me on the head, as we've been playfully doing for years. My boyfriend got all mad and tried to fight my dad. FML
Today, some muscle-head showed up at my house and started beating on me. Turned out my son had been posing online as a Navy SEAL, using a picture of me, and had dared this guy to come over and fight him. FML
Today, I attempted to threaten my daughter's boyfriend to keep him from breaking her heart. I'm a 230-pound former soldier. He's a karate black belt. My family watched me get beat up by a 120-pound teenager. FML
Today, my boyfriend met my parents. Within minutes, my dad managed to verbally sever his balls and reduce him to tears, "just for fun" apparently. FML
Today, at a mixed-family game of rugby, my dad resorted to calling me a "goddamned accident" and eventually body-slamming me, just so I'd stop playing long enough for his team to score. FML
Today, I accidentally called my kickboxing trainer "Dad." I'm 27. FML
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Top comments
redbluegreen 40
I'd suggest you invest in a giant human bubble. Or a cup.
crescent_indigo 0
spiked cup would be win-win situation
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Comments (291)
qetzacoatl122112 0
I can picture him coming into your room in the middle of the night while you're asleep...
SUSAltd 0
This sounds like something from "The Pink Panther". "Good one."
whiskeyloverrrr 0
Once a Marine, always a Marine ;)
pita2423 10
Oorah!!!!!!!
Malexhe 0
That reminds me of a 300 lb ex-marine I once knew. When ever I would go swimming, he would dunk me under water, and wouldn't let me up. When my mother yelled at him, he said it was to toughen me up. I was 9 years old, and a very weak swimmer. He was a ******* douche bag, I hope he's dead.
pita2423 10
I have been on the track to becoming a marine for several months now and all I can say is that judging by this comment the marine u knew wasn't a very good one. bc he forgot that marines are always to act like a professional. and I can relate I had a similar experience when I was younger only it was me being dunked by my little brother. yeah it kind of sucks when your younger brother is bigger than u.
chowyuk 0
You can take the The Devil Dog out the Corps but you can't take the Corps out the Devil Dog. Quit Being a woman try to get him 1st tell him you wanted to seize the innitiative that's a key to winning battles.
davidmcneer 0
theres no such thing has a ex marine. once a marine always a marine. I would just get really good reflexs really fast if i were you.
HotSauce_fml 0
Niice!!!!
G_tastic 0
what could you possibly be doing in your life that would require you to have great crotch reflexes?....your dad soounds like he has to much time on his hands lol.......your life kinda sucks right now lol
djrocksolid01 0
Haha THINK FAST
rob7641 0
hey thats former marine or retired marine...no such thing as an ex-marine, once a marine always a marine...and always crazy and true to his word... i suggest practicing your reaction time on your own... just let it happen...
fudgemeister 0
There is such thing as an ex-Marine and I will soon be one. I'll tell that to you and everyone else who says that.