Today, my 250 lb ex-Marine dad announced he was going to start randomly punching me in the crotch, without warning, to "improve my reflexes." FML
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Autumn: Leaves and Laughter
When the leaves fall, the laughter rises. Discover autumn stories as crisp as dried leaves!
Today, I started training for a charity boxing match. When I got home and walked through the door, my dad punched me in the stomach to test my reaction time. As I lay on the floor trying to catch my breath, he said my reaction time was "terrible". FML
Today, I told my dad I started taking jiu-jitsu lessons. He responded by laughing and saying, "Martial arts are for pussies, you should just get a gun." FML
Today, my dad stopped me mid-sentence and said he wanted to punch me in the face and set me on fire for using the word "selfie". FML
Today, I found out just how easy it is to be launched against the wall and sucker-punched into oblivion by a 200-pound former Marine turned professional body-builder. I discovered this after I told my fiancée's dad that we were expecting a baby. FML
Today, I introduced my dad to my boyfriend. I gave my dad the middle finger and he thumped me on the head, as we've been playfully doing for years. My boyfriend got all mad and tried to fight my dad. FML
Today, some muscle-head showed up at my house and started beating on me. Turned out my son had been posing online as a Navy SEAL, using a picture of me, and had dared this guy to come over and fight him. FML
Today, I attempted to threaten my daughter's boyfriend to keep him from breaking her heart. I'm a 230-pound former soldier. He's a karate black belt. My family watched me get beat up by a 120-pound teenager. FML
Today, my boyfriend met my parents. Within minutes, my dad managed to verbally sever his balls and reduce him to tears, "just for fun" apparently. FML
Today, at a mixed-family game of rugby, my dad resorted to calling me a "goddamned accident" and eventually body-slamming me, just so I'd stop playing long enough for his team to score. FML
Today, I accidentally called my kickboxing trainer "Dad." I'm 27. FML
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Top comments
redbluegreen 40
I'd suggest you invest in a giant human bubble. Or a cup.
crescent_indigo 0
spiked cup would be win-win situation
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Comments (291)
plexico 3
You've got a good dad. Life is going to try to randomly punch you in the balls, so you've get to be ready to act. If I were you, I'd do a pre-emptive strike to his testicles while he sleeps. Tell him, "If you want to play ball punch, it's on!" HOOO-HAAAAH
mclaxin1115 0
OP, your nickname FTW. ask lance armstrong for help on this, he'll know.
sublime93 0
Lmfao!!
sharkshaveteeth 0
love your user name! and FYL indeed!
DanceDiva1496 0
Wow, that sucks. I'd invest in a ball cup lol. Couldn't you report your dad to the police for sexual harrassment?
mj2123 0
This isn't sexual harassment. It is child abuse, though...
darkmis1 17
Ouch
iFruit 0
Buy a cup (is that what theyre called?). Put it on. Never, EVER take it off.
flinkpamingo 0
Who does that? Seriously? To their own child. That's why there are self defense lessons. Or the Marines. But NO Marine I have ever known has EVER done anything remotely like that to their child. That's just wrong. But on the other hand: May I say "Cast Iron" and "Department of Family Services"? Oh yeah, get a taser and start administering your own little "random acts of kindness".
Ub3r_Crippl3 0
To whoever said something about 250 lbs of muscle rushing at you; if you weigh 250 lbs, that is not muscle.
tumandro 0
It's funny because you're retarded.
drimpossible 0
BTW, this reminds me of Andy Samberg's stepdad in "Hot Rod"
PositiveChillout 0
That's absolutely amazing. And for the record, there's no such thing as an ex-marine. Your dad is pro