Today, my 250 lb ex-Marine dad announced he was going to start randomly punching me in the crotch, without warning, to "improve my reflexes." FML
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Today, I started training for a charity boxing match. When I got home and walked through the door, my dad punched me in the stomach to test my reaction time. As I lay on the floor trying to catch my breath, he said my reaction time was "terrible". FML
Today, I told my dad I started taking jiu-jitsu lessons. He responded by laughing and saying, "Martial arts are for pussies, you should just get a gun." FML
Today, my dad stopped me mid-sentence and said he wanted to punch me in the face and set me on fire for using the word "selfie". FML
Today, I found out just how easy it is to be launched against the wall and sucker-punched into oblivion by a 200-pound former Marine turned professional body-builder. I discovered this after I told my fiancée's dad that we were expecting a baby. FML
Today, I introduced my dad to my boyfriend. I gave my dad the middle finger and he thumped me on the head, as we've been playfully doing for years. My boyfriend got all mad and tried to fight my dad. FML
Today, some muscle-head showed up at my house and started beating on me. Turned out my son had been posing online as a Navy SEAL, using a picture of me, and had dared this guy to come over and fight him. FML
Today, I attempted to threaten my daughter's boyfriend to keep him from breaking her heart. I'm a 230-pound former soldier. He's a karate black belt. My family watched me get beat up by a 120-pound teenager. FML
Today, my boyfriend met my parents. Within minutes, my dad managed to verbally sever his balls and reduce him to tears, "just for fun" apparently. FML
Today, at a mixed-family game of rugby, my dad resorted to calling me a "goddamned accident" and eventually body-slamming me, just so I'd stop playing long enough for his team to score. FML
Today, I accidentally called my kickboxing trainer "Dad." I'm 27. FML
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Top comments
redbluegreen 40
I'd suggest you invest in a giant human bubble. Or a cup.
crescent_indigo 0
spiked cup would be win-win situation
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Comments (291)
evilbrent 0
inform him that you've decided to start pouring small amounts of talcum powder into his nose while he sleeps to give him emphysema - "Isn't that what you're saying Dad? That we've decided to start assaulting each other? Ok."
Tobeitkowl 0
Alright I guess I'll be the one to say it... FALCON PAWWNCH
Sharrakor 0
Wow, even I hadn't though of that until now. However, a Falcon Punch is far too slow for a randomly-executed ******** assault. How about a tap of the A button, which is a lightning-fast jab? That's all that's needed.
VietBoy 0
Comment that is full of win.
trancekid 0
This is totally domestic abuse/ child abuse. I also suggest taking up Chin Na. It will drastically improve your reflexes and allow you to drop a man like a newborn giraffe, no matter how big. Also, you will learn in Chin Na that you can kill a man if you hit him in the balls hard enough. And then report him to the police. OR...you could go to child welfare/ CPS to inform them that you fear going home. Then tell them the reason. He will get a visit that he doesn't like, and then if he takes it out on you, go back and show them the damage.
BlueLettuce 0
Umh... I don't think teens would be brave enough to show their balls to strangers.
waterynuggets 0
BOMBARDMENT But yeah if you're under 18 call CPS, if not, someone, please!!
aback 4
Maybe you could tell him you plan to randomly drape those plastic bags that dry-cleaning comes in over his face while he's sleeping to improve his reflexes.
Nenor_fml 0
this is how murders begin.
reader101 0
congratulations you have won an award for having the world's craziest dad.
merebear1987 0
maybe it's to teach you a lesson for calling him an EX marine. FORMER... never an "ex"
Bella_999 0
bahahahhahaha. classic.
chowyuk 0
child abuse? domestic violence? how bout op being a f'n woman. take a joke people. and there is such thing as an ex Marine one that was a piece of shit and got a dishonarable discharge
Sharrakor 0
No, OP is clearly a man, as indicated by the text under the FML... "On 08/02/2009 at 6:45pm - health - by theregoesmyspermcount (man) - United States (Texas)"