Health: 'Murica

'Murica

By Maryann - 08/02/2018 01:30

Today, I told my dad I started taking jiu-jitsu lessons. He responded by laughing and saying, "Martial arts are for pussies, you should just get a gun." FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 276

You deserved it 623

Health

Hiding from the drama

Weird reason to leave, but OK

Need warmth

By Dominique Richards - 20/02/2018 19:00

Today, I went to the dentist to get a tooth pulled. When I woke up I found out they pulled the wrong one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 701

You deserved it 215

By Anonymous - 07/10/2018 12:00

Today, I hit someone’s car and got arrested for a DUI. I had to tell my parents so they could remove me from the insurance. My mom's response in the background after I told my dad was "I knew it." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 141

You deserved it 4 263

By ulisha5 - 02/08/2013 21:54 - Bulgaria - Burgas

Today, my son told his 8-year-old sister that since she swallowed an apple seed, that a tree is going to grow in her stomach and kill her. She's inconsolable and won't believe that she'll be fine, because "they say that to all the dying people on TV". FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 516

You deserved it 4 345

Queue cutters should be prosecuted!

By Anonymous - 13/04/2020 17:00

Today, while queuing in a shop, a girl appeared to bunk the line. When I asked her about it, she said it was nothing to do with me. She then asked me what was I going to do about it, before kneeing me in the nuts. I was overtaken by everyone in the queue. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 593

You deserved it 236

By pantless - 21/03/2016 18:57 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was written up for being late to work. I was late because somebody in my dorm stole my pants. All of them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 413

You deserved it 1 245

By wearashirt - 04/12/2009 07:55 - United States

Today, I had to take a test that's required to pass the class. The test administor told us that those of us who were wearing hoodies would have to take them off. I would have taken mine off, but I was only wearing a bra underneath. There's no other days I can reschedule the test. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 936

You deserved it 14 418

By really mom - 15/04/2012 17:38 - United States - Montgomery

Today, my mom started dipping into my college savings, just so she can continue throwing money away on visiting a medium who claims she can channel the spirit of our recently-deceased family dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 159

You deserved it 2 093

By cjkelly1 - 23/06/2010 23:27 - United States

Today, my parents made me a steak dinner to celebrate me visiting home from college. I've been a vegetarian for eleven years. This is the third time they've done this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 966

You deserved it 12 400

By Trey - 19/11/2011 01:58 - United States

Today, I brought my girlfriend over to her first dinner with my family. My gramps spent the entire dinner telling my girlfriend how the Illuminati are plotting to take over the world and use microchips to control everyone. So much for being taken seriously now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 459

You deserved it 3 300

Pentaxed

By sonja_n - 10/10/2019 23:00 - Australia - Kew

Today, I lost my balance while crossing a creek and fell in. I had my camera on me at the time. It's fried, and I don't have the $2K I need to replace it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 336

You deserved it 521

By Anonymous - 06/09/2011 09:32 - United States

Today, I frantically chased a customer down the parking lot, because they had left their package at my register. Only to find out that the whole time I was chasing the wrong person. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 494

You deserved it 4 613

Great gift idea!

By Anonymous - 15/09/2020 08:02 - New Zealand

Today, it was my birthday and my first present was finding out that my girlfriend of five years has been cheating on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 557

You deserved it 87

Loving is the hardest thing you'll ever do

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 14:00 - Germany - Ebersbach

Today my life revolves around nutrition mixes, feeding times, blankets, tooth problems, and the eternal question of what caused the diarrhea. Infants, right? Well no, actually: Very, very old horses. FML

I agree, your life sucks 673

You deserved it 187

Priorities

By AJM - 22/06/2021 18:01 - United States

Today, the father of my children told me he is having gastric bypass surgery, which is 10,000 dollars. He is 9K behind on child support. FML

I agree, your life sucks 814

You deserved it 155

By Rumors - 12/12/2013 11:27 - United States - Turtle Lake

Today, a rumor was spread around that I was dating somebody. I confronted the person who everyone thought I was dating, and asked him about it. He also thought we were dating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 591

You deserved it 6 084

By Anonymous - 31/10/2010 15:34 - United States

Today, I was running a marathon for my school. Two hot girls started talking to me, so I glanced at them and smiled. I turned back, just in time to knee a little boy in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 072

You deserved it 7 770

By BarryShitpeas - 19/09/2013 15:18 - United Kingdom - Cranbrook

Today, my enjoyment of popping bubble wrap was yet again ruined by my excessive OCD tendencies. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 603

You deserved it 5 754

By Christine - 09/05/2009 06:08 - United States

Today, I saw my little brother playing with my new kitten. He is only five and isn't very gentle so I took the cat away and told him "You can't play with the cat! I don't think he likes you very much!" In a joking tone. The cat then bit and clawed my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 954

You deserved it 51 123

By PC Jones - 20/09/2011 14:56 - Australia

Today, it was my first day as a police officer. A couple of hours into the shift, we got a call. A man was drunkenly jeering and urinating on parked cars. That man turned out to be my father. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 382

You deserved it 3 197

By HelpMe - 25/02/2014 09:59 - United Kingdom - Galashiels

Today, my mum asked me how the guinea pig was doing. We don't have a guinea pig. Turns out she had volunteered me to look after the next door neighbor's guinea pig when they were away and 'forgot' to tell me. They have been gone two weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 868

You deserved it 3 825

By Anonymous - 12/03/2014 06:39 - United States - Ewa Beach

Today, my neighbor came over and yelled at me for traumatizing her kids. What did I do? Nothing. Her kids entered my back yard, dug up my 1-month-dead hamster and freaked out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 831

You deserved it 3 416

By Anonymous - 27/03/2011 14:36 - United States

Today, I kissed a boy I have liked since the first day of university. I was thrilled until he followed it with, "Right, I don't think we should tell anyone this happened. Not that they'd believe it anyway." He then patted my ass and walked away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 068

You deserved it 4 659

By Username - 05/06/2019 20:00

Today, at the beach, I swam pretty far out into the ocean. I ended up getting pummelled by the waves and got a painful cramp in my leg. The whole beach watched me flail and scream, while my friends rolled their eyes as they dragged me out of the water. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 373

You deserved it 885

Grow a backbone time!

By Anonymous - 15/02/2021 00:01 - South Africa - Johannesburg

Today, I had to stop going to university with 2 years left because my parents feel it's not the right course for me. I am 23 years-old, living with my parents, $2 to my name and no job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 752

You deserved it 256

By Jeff - 02/08/2019 04:00 - United States

Today, after a stay at the hospital for two broken legs, I finally got home and attempted to relax. My dad went to hand me the remote and dropped it right on my nuts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 576

You deserved it 120

By emilyhendrix0414 - 28/09/2012 10:53 - United States

Today, my 5-year-old, overweight Siberian Husky tackled me because he thought that my lipstick was food. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 337

You deserved it 6 560

By Kimel - 22/01/2016 00:11 - France - Vincent

Today, my eldest daughter announced she was getting divorced. She never even told me she was married. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 578

You deserved it 2 309

By annoyedgirl - 04/05/2013 01:30 - United States - Ephrata

Today, I was forced to work with someone I absolutely hate. I then found myself starting to like him, until he shot me in the forehead with a stapler gun. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 446

You deserved it 4 719

By Anonymous - 14/11/2009 07:27 - Canada

Today, my band played for our school. We were cheered for and everything. Being the lead singer I tried to look cool and push the mic away and pull it back by pushing down the bottom of the stand with my foot. It hit my face and I bled like crazy but I kept singing. No one clapped at the end. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 101

You deserved it 38 887

By Noname - 15/03/2009 03:56 - United States

Today, I ran for the train that was about to leave. I tried to hold the doors open with my leg and got stuck. The conductor just yelled out how unbelievable and ridiculous I was and waited 2 minutes to finally release me. Everyone was laughing at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 074

You deserved it 17 256

By Anonymous - 15/10/2011 06:58 - United States

Today, I saw an unbelievably cute guy. He caught my eye and began to walk towards me. I adjusted myself and flashed him a smile. He came up to me, smiled back, and said "Hi, do you have a minute for gay rights?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 439

You deserved it 8 346

By Lonely - 24/07/2011 17:02 - United States

Today, I went out for coffee with my sister and my crush. I spent the majority of the date flirting with my crush, and when he dropped us off at home, I told him I had fun on our date. He looked at me surprised and said he'd thought I'd tagged along on his date with my sister. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 342

You deserved it 9 394

By kallens - 15/01/2009 23:08 - United States

Today, I was at Target with my mom. After 10 minutes of my mom walking around looking confused, I said, "Mom, what are you looking for? I worked at this place for 4 years, I know where everything is." My mom was looking for KY. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 732

You deserved it 2 785

By Crumpet - 25/06/2010 07:08 - Canada

Today, I realized that when my boyfriend said, "I'll love you forever" what he really meant was, "I'll love you until I meet your significantly more attractive sister." FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 936

You deserved it 5 274

By Anonymous - 30/04/2015 17:33 - United Kingdom - Limavady

Today, someone at work took my delicate medication out of the fridge to make room for their lunch. Now my medication has expired. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 614

You deserved it 2 876

What a catch

By VoodooPriestess - 28/11/2020 14:02

Today, my boyfriend of 2 years responded to my opening up about how I felt like I was always put on the back burner, was to ghost me for a week, and break up via text. Don't worry though, we can still be friends and maybe later, when he's ready, start the relationship again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 979

You deserved it 173

By Anonymous - 17/06/2009 17:15 - United States

Today, my friend told me that he was having a scrabble tournament at his house with a bunch of our friends. I told my dad about the tournament and he gave me a special scrabble dictionary to bring. Hesitantly, I brought the dictionary and as I walked in everyone was playing beer pong. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 357

You deserved it 12 965

By fucker43 - 02/06/2013 06:11 - United States - Atlanta

Today, my friend made an effort to draw a penis on every page in my analysis textbook in pen. I have to return this tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 730

You deserved it 4 714

By Anonymous - 20/10/2010 03:05 - United States

Today, I got my lip pierced. By the orthodontist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 241

You deserved it 3 228

By Anonymous - 16/04/2012 04:03 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, my dad came to pick me up. It would have been nicer if he'd had his clothes on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 763

You deserved it 1 964

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Top comments

RichardPencil 30

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Thursday 8 February 2018 1:48

He does have a point. There’s no way a jury is going to believe you “accidentally” did a jiu-jitsu move that killed him. Jus’ sayin’.

manb91uk 22

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Thursday 8 February 2018 2:06

Your dad’s an idiot

NostalgiaFreak9 40

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Friday 2 February 2018 19:00

There's nothing wrong with owning both a gun and practicing martial arts, because martial arts exercises your body and mind.

RichardPencil 30

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Thursday 8 February 2018 1:48

He does have a point. There’s no way a jury is going to believe you “accidentally” did a jiu-jitsu move that killed him. Jus’ sayin’.

manb91uk 22

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Thursday 8 February 2018 2:06

Your dad’s an idiot

Jesserb 17

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Thursday 8 February 2018 2:17

Agreed

DraftHail614 17

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Friday 23 February 2018 6:27

You're*

DraftHail614 17

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Friday 23 February 2018 6:28

Shit goddammit I corrected the wrong comment. ignore that lol

Allie614032 34

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Thursday 8 February 2018 3:24

Train until you can kick that gun right out of his hand.

Ali Alexandrea 16

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Thursday 8 February 2018 3:38

that doesn't even make sense, getting all up in someone's face is more of a pussy move than shooting someone from a distance? what a moron

Yudith 20

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Thursday 8 February 2018 3:39

A gun won't help you to get this hot body that men and lesbians crave AND allow you to kick them where it hurts if they get annoying. You go girl!

d3rpb0t 10

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Thursday 8 February 2018 4:18

And that's when a 120 lb teenager dropped a former Marine twice his size. ... it's just me that remembers that? k, I'll see myself out.

Mungolikecandy 19

Thursday 8 February 2018 7:42

And that was Karate which is a less effective defensive martial art than Jiu-Jitsu.

DanielleinDC 32

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Thursday 8 February 2018 4:35

I'm tempted to suggest you demonstrate your jiu-jitsu moves on your dad, but that probably would be a bad idea.

boopingsnoot 24

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Thursday 8 February 2018 6:16

Introduce him to Elliot Spencer from the show "Leverage" (not in a threatening way)

Lobby_Bee 17

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Thursday 8 February 2018 6:18

Does your dad know the difference between those two? Gun is for longer range defense and jujitsu is for close range. Having skills in both makes you the ultimate badass. Do IT!

Luke16eirb7deneuwn1 20

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Thursday 8 February 2018 9:30

Well you could also... ynkow... shoot someone up close... But still, you do have a point.

Maddie Bunker 1

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Sunday 11 February 2018 16:00

Yeah but if you are already physically engaged with someone, pulling out a gun is not the wisest idea, you might shoot yourself or they might take it from you.