Today, my 250 lb ex-Marine dad announced he was going to start randomly punching me in the crotch, without warning, to "improve my reflexes." FML
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Autumn: Leaves and Laughter
When the leaves fall, the laughter rises. Discover autumn stories as crisp as dried leaves!
Today, I started training for a charity boxing match. When I got home and walked through the door, my dad punched me in the stomach to test my reaction time. As I lay on the floor trying to catch my breath, he said my reaction time was "terrible". FML
Today, I told my dad I started taking jiu-jitsu lessons. He responded by laughing and saying, "Martial arts are for pussies, you should just get a gun." FML
Today, my dad stopped me mid-sentence and said he wanted to punch me in the face and set me on fire for using the word "selfie". FML
Today, I found out just how easy it is to be launched against the wall and sucker-punched into oblivion by a 200-pound former Marine turned professional body-builder. I discovered this after I told my fiancée's dad that we were expecting a baby. FML
Today, I introduced my dad to my boyfriend. I gave my dad the middle finger and he thumped me on the head, as we've been playfully doing for years. My boyfriend got all mad and tried to fight my dad. FML
Today, some muscle-head showed up at my house and started beating on me. Turned out my son had been posing online as a Navy SEAL, using a picture of me, and had dared this guy to come over and fight him. FML
Today, I attempted to threaten my daughter's boyfriend to keep him from breaking her heart. I'm a 230-pound former soldier. He's a karate black belt. My family watched me get beat up by a 120-pound teenager. FML
Today, my boyfriend met my parents. Within minutes, my dad managed to verbally sever his balls and reduce him to tears, "just for fun" apparently. FML
Today, at a mixed-family game of rugby, my dad resorted to calling me a "goddamned accident" and eventually body-slamming me, just so I'd stop playing long enough for his team to score. FML
Today, I accidentally called my kickboxing trainer "Dad." I'm 27. FML
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Top comments
redbluegreen 40
I'd suggest you invest in a giant human bubble. Or a cup.
crescent_indigo 0
spiked cup would be win-win situation
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Comments (291)
cyxx 0
HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! Oh hell, have fun with that...
voodootrucker 0
how do you know how much your dad weights
thepunisher_fml 0
dude just wear a cup, at least it wont hurt as much without it
chowyuk 0
What's the difference between former and ex? How bout retired and discharged?
pita2423 10
a former marine is somebody who has been honorably discharged or retired ex is dis honorably discharged those guys dont usually brag about being discharged like that. and thus their is no such thing as an ex marine.
kaelendra 0
a - get a cup for the small help it'd give. b - report it... cops/child welfare. c - tell his military buddies he likes to go round touching guys in the crotch.
mubaki 18
for some reason when I first read this I assumed it was posted by a girl. I suppose this is better
i_luv_cheese 0
i LOLed
rvbfan101 0
Bwahaha! It's the marine version of Dan McNinja I swear! I(L) your dad...but kinda feel bad for the crotch punches. Kind of.
Shane375 0
Hahahahahahahahahahaha rofl... Literally. But really that sucks *snicker*
Jetlock 0
BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!