Today, my 250 lb ex-Marine dad announced he was going to start randomly punching me in the crotch, without warning, to "improve my reflexes." FML
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Autumn: Leaves and Laughter
When the leaves fall, the laughter rises. Discover autumn stories as crisp as dried leaves!
Today, I started training for a charity boxing match. When I got home and walked through the door, my dad punched me in the stomach to test my reaction time. As I lay on the floor trying to catch my breath, he said my reaction time was "terrible". FML
Today, I told my dad I started taking jiu-jitsu lessons. He responded by laughing and saying, "Martial arts are for pussies, you should just get a gun." FML
Today, my dad stopped me mid-sentence and said he wanted to punch me in the face and set me on fire for using the word "selfie". FML
Today, I found out just how easy it is to be launched against the wall and sucker-punched into oblivion by a 200-pound former Marine turned professional body-builder. I discovered this after I told my fiancée's dad that we were expecting a baby. FML
Today, I introduced my dad to my boyfriend. I gave my dad the middle finger and he thumped me on the head, as we've been playfully doing for years. My boyfriend got all mad and tried to fight my dad. FML
Today, some muscle-head showed up at my house and started beating on me. Turned out my son had been posing online as a Navy SEAL, using a picture of me, and had dared this guy to come over and fight him. FML
Today, I attempted to threaten my daughter's boyfriend to keep him from breaking her heart. I'm a 230-pound former soldier. He's a karate black belt. My family watched me get beat up by a 120-pound teenager. FML
Today, my boyfriend met my parents. Within minutes, my dad managed to verbally sever his balls and reduce him to tears, "just for fun" apparently. FML
Today, at a mixed-family game of rugby, my dad resorted to calling me a "goddamned accident" and eventually body-slamming me, just so I'd stop playing long enough for his team to score. FML
Today, I accidentally called my kickboxing trainer "Dad." I'm 27. FML
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Top comments
redbluegreen 40
I'd suggest you invest in a giant human bubble. Or a cup.
crescent_indigo 0
spiked cup would be win-win situation
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Comments (291)
Zoomin24 0
i would punch him right back. in the face.
Vagrarian 2
Your dad's a piece of shit. Consider calling 1-800-799-7233, the National Domestic Abuse Hotline. What he is doing could be considered abuse.
drimpossible 0
I agree with those suggesting he takes up a martial art. Preferably one that teaches you to reach into people's bodies and pull out their organs with their bare hands. As your father realized his ******** strike had been blocked, and then saw his still beating heart in your hand, his last words would be: "I'm... I'm proud of you, boy.."
notlovingit 0
im sorry - not funny but i burst out laughing hes not serious is he?
_THE_MASTER_ 0
i think people throw around the word 'abuse' too much these days. he's not beating his son or making him kneel on rice for extended periods of time or anythign extreme, not battering him around, he's just trying to teach him in a roundabout way to expect anything at anytime. so, OP, grow up, take some initiative and take the first strike that presents itself, and when you succeed, tell him that he needs to improve his reflexes too, and you'll surely help him with that the way he is helping you. it'll be like a weird bonding experience.
Da_Gov 0
LOL punch his balls when he's not expecting to test his reflexes!
GFLiE 0
HE'S YOUR FATHER! You should know this by now, but "once a Marine, always a Marine." THEY'RE NOT ****** "EX-MARINES!" It's "former" or "retired," retard. I'm guessing you don't have a close relationship with your dad if you didn't know this.
rob7641 0
oorah... for that question earlier... and you cannot be an ex marine you just retire and become a former Marine. A marine is a title that stays with you for life no matter what..even when you leave the service...much different from other branches
chowyuk 0
if the kids soft enough to cry about this martial arts are not going to help him once again there can be an ex Marine one who got kicked out for being a shit bag who did not serve honorably
DaBombb316 0
Even then its still former marine. Dishonorable Discharge does not strip them of that either. They still have the training and the mentality. Hence, no such thing as an "ex-marine"
shyles 0
Ex = Former. Example: Ex-girlfriend = Former girlfriend. They both work. Quit the "Once a marine, always a marine" crap. You're not a marine if you don't partake in a marine's duties. You can label yourself as an ex-marine though.
bloodfalcon22 0
He's not a "Former MArine" he is an "Ex-Marine" because he was discharged for punching the genetalia off of 5 soldiers.