Today, my 250 lb ex-Marine dad announced he was going to start randomly punching me in the crotch, without warning, to "improve my reflexes." FML
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Autumn: Leaves and Laughter
When the leaves fall, the laughter rises. Discover autumn stories as crisp as dried leaves!
Today, I started training for a charity boxing match. When I got home and walked through the door, my dad punched me in the stomach to test my reaction time. As I lay on the floor trying to catch my breath, he said my reaction time was "terrible". FML
Today, I told my dad I started taking jiu-jitsu lessons. He responded by laughing and saying, "Martial arts are for pussies, you should just get a gun." FML
Today, my dad stopped me mid-sentence and said he wanted to punch me in the face and set me on fire for using the word "selfie". FML
Today, I found out just how easy it is to be launched against the wall and sucker-punched into oblivion by a 200-pound former Marine turned professional body-builder. I discovered this after I told my fiancée's dad that we were expecting a baby. FML
Today, I introduced my dad to my boyfriend. I gave my dad the middle finger and he thumped me on the head, as we've been playfully doing for years. My boyfriend got all mad and tried to fight my dad. FML
Today, some muscle-head showed up at my house and started beating on me. Turned out my son had been posing online as a Navy SEAL, using a picture of me, and had dared this guy to come over and fight him. FML
Today, I attempted to threaten my daughter's boyfriend to keep him from breaking her heart. I'm a 230-pound former soldier. He's a karate black belt. My family watched me get beat up by a 120-pound teenager. FML
Today, my boyfriend met my parents. Within minutes, my dad managed to verbally sever his balls and reduce him to tears, "just for fun" apparently. FML
Today, at a mixed-family game of rugby, my dad resorted to calling me a "goddamned accident" and eventually body-slamming me, just so I'd stop playing long enough for his team to score. FML
Today, I accidentally called my kickboxing trainer "Dad." I'm 27. FML
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Top comments
redbluegreen 40
I'd suggest you invest in a giant human bubble. Or a cup.
crescent_indigo 0
spiked cup would be win-win situation
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Comments (291)
Lif3SuksTh3nUDi3 0
Yeah, my dad randomly comes out of nowhere to hit me or jab me in the collar bone with his thumb (hurts like a b if you've never had it done to you). He'll roll up a hand towel and try to whip me with it and he'll try to (or succeed in) knock my elbows out from under me when I'm resting my head in my hands with my elbows on a table or counter (so that I hit my face on whatever surface I'm resting on). But when I fight back or manage to best him somehow he gets this proud look on his face, I love my retired marine father, he knows how to toughen a girl up
RaizenSama 0
I read "I love my retarded marine father" when I first read that. xD
mugglewump 0
I read it normally, but once you said that I had this whole motage thing going in my head of how this could become a movie about a girls retarded marine father :)
irockmyworld 0
there are other less painful and intelligent ways of improving ones reflexes other than kicking him in the balls. i suggest your dad do some reading up. or take a class or two.
Lif3SuksTh3nUDi3 0
It's also Ooh Rah! for the marines, just to let you know.
djnealb 0
There's no such thing as an ex-Marine, but yeah, that sucks.
fudgemeister 0
There is such thing as an ex-Marine and I will soon be one.
DaBombb316 0
apparently you have never seen a pro wrestler or a body builder
kellster 2
Um, if any part of your father touches your crotch, please have him arrested for sexual assault, okay? That's REALLY not okay!!!!! But your screen name is made of win, on the happy side!
tko 0
overreaction much?
ergo_fml 13
Better start improving your reflexes.
JustStayHome 0
Lmao, right now. OP, your username is priceless, Win.
b_radical 0
the best epic compilation of crotch-shots on youtube!!!!!!!!!!!! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sTpLbZsMn9Q
kawa_fml 0
this has got to be the suckiest FML ever. You have my ultimate sympathies.