Miscellaneous: Today, my dad stopped me mid-sentence and said he wanted to punch... - FML

By Anonymous - 22/08/2014 18:41 - United States - Doylestown

Today, my dad stopped me mid-sentence and said he wanted to punch me in the face and set me on fire for using the word "selfie". FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 067

You deserved it 42 927

Good kid

You tried

Holiday cheer

By greaaaatt. - 25/07/2010 05:45 - United States

Today, I found out that I get to spend the next two weeks at my grandparents house, which smells like cat litter, while the rest of my family takes a cruise through the Carribean. They can't afford to take a ninth person. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 908

You deserved it 2 913

By Anonymous - 21/01/2015 05:34

Today, I did my first night of open-mic standup. The first 5 minutes went badly, but I don't know if it got any better afterwards, because a drunk audience member climbed up on stage and knocked me out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 276

You deserved it 3 967

Bad timing

By Anonymous - 21/11/2020 17:01 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, someone screwed up the roller door at work, so I had to fix it. After doing so and leaving work late, I get home to find out my dog of 14 years had to be put down. If the door didn't need fixing, I would've been able to say goodbye. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 253

You deserved it 55

By The Cat Tickler - 13/09/2018 15:00

Today, I was talking to myself and got distracted when I was going to put chapstick on my lips. I took the cap off my deodorant and put it on my lips. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 783

You deserved it 1 357

By Anonymous - 31/03/2016 06:00 - Australia

Today, I checked my Tumblr account to see if anyone had commented on the photos of my new tattoo. There were only 3 posts, and 2 of them were people linking it to "Awful Tattoo" blogs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 947

You deserved it 6 246

By bw9669 - 28/01/2010 19:35 - Canada

Today, I had to cancel all of the plans to go away on a romantic weekend with my boyfriend. My parents are going out of town for a night and I have to stay home a babysit my little sister. She's 19. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 667

You deserved it 5 085

By mcadabax - 05/11/2011 11:06 - Canada

Today, during my friend's group's science project presentation, the teacher yelled at me, "Stop making stupid faces at the presenters!" I was smiling. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 201

You deserved it 3 878

By queenofdeath - 16/01/2010 18:16 - Israel

Today, I wanted to remove my mustache hair with hot wax. The hair is still there, but my skin is all burnt dark brown. Tomorrow is my first day at school. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 882

You deserved it 12 311

By Hm - 08/02/2010 04:03 - United States

Today, I found out the love of my life, my husband, is cheating on me. When I confronted him about it, his response was, "Don't blame me, you're the gullible bitch." FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 414

You deserved it 3 985

By divorced - 19/08/2010 10:01 - United States

Today, my wife put divorce papers in my birthday card. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 678

You deserved it 4 550

Kids are assholes to each other

By sphear880 - 21/05/2021 19:59

Today, I have discovered that my daughter is struggling with anorexia. When I sat down to talk with her about it, she said it’s because, "all the other kids at school keep calling her fat." She was underweight before, and has now gone to being severely underweight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 106

You deserved it 53

By Anonymous - 28/01/2017 02:00

Today, we found out the god-awful smell in our truck was actually coming from the whole uncooked chicken I thought the store forgot to ring up over 2 weeks ago. It had fallen out of the bag and under the passenger seat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 869

You deserved it 1 865

By sorrygrandma - 01/02/2012 03:34 - United States

Today, our school chorus went to a senior citizens' home. An elderly lady died during my solo. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 447

You deserved it 4 186

By Anonymous - 12/08/2015 04:05 - United States - Racine

Today, my mom got angry that I wasn't responding to her texts. I couldn't because I was in the dentist's chair. She'd dropped me off, and after returning from errands, sent the text from the waiting room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 841

You deserved it 1 629

Get back here!

By anythingjean - 25/05/2009 21:46 - Canada

Today, I saw a cute guy on the bus. I smiled at him and he smiled back. After a couple of stops, he got off the bus. He bumped into me, turned around, apologized, and winked. I stood there feeling good about myself. Then I realized he stole my wallet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 611

You deserved it 9 718

Run run run

By runner - 14/11/2009 07:15 - United States

Today, I went for a run in a new pair of shoes that left me with huge blisters. As I finished cleaning them up so they could heal, I limped to my bed to take a nap. I was woken by the fire alarm. My building was having a drill and we couldn't use the elevators. I live on the 9th floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 922

You deserved it 3 752

By Colton - 20/12/2011 02:29 - United States

Spicy

Today, I grabbed some lotion to have a good old wank. However, I'd got it a bit wrong in my rush to spurt my man-mush into an old gym sock, and had picked up some concentrated bronzer. I now have neon-orange hands and genitals. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 943

You deserved it 50 376

By BrokeAF - 22/12/2016 12:21

Today, I eagerly applied for a high-salary, fully supportive graduate program that I qualified for. There were 5 steps in the application process. I was turned down after the first one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 728

You deserved it 864

By that guy - 18/11/2014 00:19

Today, I failed my driving test before even leaving the DMV parking lot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 631

You deserved it 30 890

By DwarvenWalrus - 16/08/2017 01:30

Today, I was at the water park in Disney World when I felt something run down my leg. I thought that I just hadn't dried off all the way, but when I looked down, there was diarrhea running out of my shorts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 409

You deserved it 692

By Anonymous - 11/03/2013 21:52 - United States - Lake Dallas

Spicy

Today, thinking my girlfriend had left her little black thong in the dryer to tease me, I sent her a picture of me seductively posing with it. She didn't text back, but a few hours later my 16 year old daughter asked if she'd left anything in the dryer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 474

You deserved it 53 096

By CandyCrushAddict - 21/09/2013 15:09 - United States - Wilson

Spicy

Today, while having sex with my wife, my Candy Crush addiction hit me full force, and all I could do was think about possible moves I could make in the level I'm stuck on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 352

You deserved it 50 909

By idontevengetpaid - 05/09/2016 04:35 - Brazil - Rio De Janeiro

Today, I arrived at my internship at 7 am after three hours of sleep with a massive hangover. When I got there, my boss told me he had made a mistake and I was meant to come in next week. He then said, "Well, now that you're here, you might as well get some work done. Come in next week as well." FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 109

You deserved it 15 136

By drew - 18/12/2010 20:22 - United States

Today, I was run over by my own car as I tried to push it out of a snowbank. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 388

You deserved it 4 978

By butisavedyourkid - 06/06/2013 04:13 - United States

Today, I rescued a little boy who looked like he was drowning in a public pool. His mother then smacked me in the face for "touching him". FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 182

You deserved it 3 520

By Anonymous - 23/04/2009 02:44 - Canada

Today, as I was ringing in a customer I noticed that the Febreeze spray can was wet. Noticing this I sniffed my hands because they had gotten wet and said to the customer, "Oh the can is leaking want to go get another one?" He then said, "No it's OK, I just sweat a lot." I sniffed some customer's sweat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 310

You deserved it 5 775

By SLA - 23/03/2009 23:12 - United States

Spicy

Today, my 11 year old brother walked in on me sitting on my boyfriend's ass and giving him a back massage. He tilted his head a little and then said "Aren't you guys doing it wrong? Isn't he supposed to be on top?" My boyfriend laughed and gave him a high-five. FML

I agree, your life sucks 108 277

You deserved it 32 513

By Joe - 08/07/2011 18:48 - United States

Spicy

Today, I realized that I look sexier in my fiancée's panties than she does. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 636

You deserved it 22 346

By --- - 06/07/2015 20:52 - Canada - Toronto

Today, during family therapy the therapist asked if I believe I'm a good parent/husband. When I said yes my two sons, my daughter and even my wife very passionately disagreed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 528

You deserved it 12 846

By snowman - 13/11/2010 23:04 - United States

Today, my city got almost a foot of snow. When I went out to my car, it was covered in snow with a layer of ice underneath. I went to open the trunk to get the window scraper, when the snow that had collected on the top of my back window slid into my trunk. My laptop was the recipient of most of the snow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 391

You deserved it 8 786

By me - 20/11/2013 15:28 - United States - Bronx

Today, as a part of my autobiography project for school, I needed to have 2 friends and 2 family members each write me a letter. I ended up having to forge 3 letters. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 121

You deserved it 3 826

By hairyarms - 10/10/2010 12:47 - Australia

Today, I found out why you don't let your kids grab your arms while their hands are covered in glitter glue. Easy to get it on you, extremely painful to rip from your arm hairs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 257

You deserved it 5 662

Not really a good sign

By Anonymous - 04/07/2021 02:01

Today, my long distance girlfriend of 6 months, who landed in canada last week, and for whom I was supposed to travel from Toronto to Vancouver next week to meet her for the first time, blocked me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 808

You deserved it 151

By Anonymous - 14/12/2010 05:10 - Canada

Today, I learned that you can be qualified for a position, be a nice person and enthusiastic about working, but as soon as the boss has a relative looking for a job, nepotism wins. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 353

You deserved it 2 770

By Anonymous - 11/06/2019 06:00

Today, I was picking up after my dog with a poo baggie over my hand, like a mitten. Too bad the bottom ripped open and my bare hand poked through it just as I grabbed a big handful of steaming dog turd. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 782

You deserved it 288

By Anonymous - 11/03/2010 22:23 - United States

Today, I became that small percent of people who face three different kinds of complications after their wisdom teeth are removed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 989

You deserved it 2 168

By ch - 04/03/2009 05:40 - United States

Today, my grandmother patched up my $300, vintage, limited edition, designer jeans because she thought I'd accidentally ripped them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 245

You deserved it 90 163

By ugh - 12/03/2010 06:05 - United States

Today, I got home early from work. When I got home I got to see my dad chasing my mom around the house, naked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 985

You deserved it 3 591

By cheated - 17/09/2011 04:43 - United States

Today, my daughter-in-law revealed to me that she caught my husband having an affair with her best friend. This was five years ago, and she is only telling me now because he stopped paying her the blackmail money to keep her mouth shut. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 484

You deserved it 2 774

By ThisPerson - 19/05/2011 10:11 - Canada

Today, my 53 year-old art teacher told me she's excited about going clubbing this weekend. I'm excited about watching a special on the History Channel. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 196

You deserved it 6 660

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Top comments

Dave_Davington 33

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Saturday 23 August 2014 5:24

I want to buy your dad a drink.

myeverydaymylife 21

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Saturday 23 August 2014 5:24

And then you take a selfie of you with him in the background, setting you on fire. All about that #selfie

Comments

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Saturday 23 August 2014 5:24

Maybe you should've taken a selfie with him.

tournamentdecide 33

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Saturday 23 August 2014 6:19

Do you realize a groupie is someone who follows bands around?

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Saturday 23 August 2014 6:24

27, it's an "ussie", not a groupie.

sjbartholome 14

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Saturday 23 August 2014 6:50

@29, Do you realize that some words have more than one definition? Probably not based on your comment there.

cjwayy 22

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Saturday 23 August 2014 7:03

Do you all realize that it's all just pop culture and you all need to chill?

tournamentdecide 33

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Saturday 23 August 2014 8:37

You know, people aren't quite fond of dicks. Which definition would you like to be for that word? The crusty, wrinkly appendage or a jerk?

HersheySquirts 17

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Saturday 23 August 2014 12:36

#45 your coment had me on the edge.....Horrible visualizations.

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Saturday 23 August 2014 14:32

45- The description of crusty... I'm not sure weather you've never seen one, or you've made choices with very unhygienic men...

StormfrontX33_fml 24

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Saturday 23 August 2014 16:10

I never understood the word selfie when it comes to more than one person. Once someone else is in, it's no longer just yourself. When it's more than one, shouldn't it be called an "us-ie"?

tournamentdecide 33

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Sunday 24 August 2014 2:32

I made it as gross sounding as possible because I imagine that person like so.

Zougibourg_fml 6

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Sunday 24 August 2014 2:34

It's actually a dussie. Uh no sorry it's a tuggy

tellyc 27

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Saturday 23 August 2014 5:24

YDI

myeverydaymylife 21

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Saturday 23 August 2014 5:24

And then you take a selfie of you with him in the background, setting you on fire. All about that #selfie

JoshTheTacoMan 19

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Saturday 23 August 2014 5:24

Whether or not you deserve it depends on the context.

Arwen_Evenstar 37

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Saturday 23 August 2014 5:58

Well, setting her alight seems slightly over the top even if she is a "selfie taker". Hard to argue against a good punch in the face if she is, though...

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Saturday 23 August 2014 5:24

You have a good dad.

Dave_Davington 33

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Saturday 23 August 2014 5:24

I want to buy your dad a drink.

LostInTheZone11 28

Saturday 23 August 2014 5:37

If I was 21 I would buy him a case of beer for that comment.

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Saturday 23 August 2014 10:38

go home 16, youre drunk

LostInTheZone11 28

Saturday 23 August 2014 16:28

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

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Saturday 23 August 2014 20:27

You got downvoted because people didn't like your comment, so quit whining about it. There's nothing more annoying when people try to defend themselves after having a comment downvoted. Also, 49 didn't even say "your", he said "you're". So, the only real mistake he made was leaving out the apostrophe, which was likely only a typing error.

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Saturday 23 August 2014 5:26

But first, let me take a selfie.

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Sunday 24 August 2014 18:07

You, are hilarious. I did not see that coming.

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Saturday 23 August 2014 5:26

I can't say I blame him. I would have added "after you're ablaze, I would quell the inferno with a mighty stream of urine"

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Saturday 23 August 2014 6:38

You mean gasoline right?

garrett_8614 14

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Saturday 23 August 2014 6:56

Yea you might be taking it a little too far #8

shay_serendipity 29

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Sunday 24 August 2014 22:33

Are you okay #8..?

Martinez0285 28

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Saturday 23 August 2014 5:26

I would have to agree with pops

tellyc 27

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Saturday 23 August 2014 5:26

YDI

Nearly

Today, I live in Turkey and the dollar has risen to 13 lira. Just turks understand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15

You deserved it 4

Today, I realized the cute girl with a nice ass, long hair and a great personality I've been talking to is actually a very gay dude. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16

You deserved it 35

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I had a horrible date with this guy I’ve been seeing. He wanted me to give it up, but I wasn’t ready, so he dumped me on the spot. I went home crying to my mother and her response was, “Stop being such a prude! What are you? Ten? Grow the fuck up!” Thanks mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 385

You deserved it 73

Today, my wife and I had arranged a threesome with a guy, but I was late home so they “had the threesome without me.” It’s not cheating, because I obviously knew she was going to have sex with him during the threesome, but me not being there makes me mad and I can’t coherently explain why. FML

I agree, your life sucks 643

You deserved it 720