Today, I went shopping with my cousin. Walking down the road,... - FML

By awkwardd - 19/5/2011 12:51 - Hong Kong

Today, I went shopping with my cousin. Walking down the road, I heard her say "Can you hold my hand?" I was confused, but thought it was cute, so I held her hand and kept walking. It turns out she'd asked me to hold her bag. We didn't say another word after that. FML

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Does it taste good?

The student becomes the master

Everyone's an expert

By esoog - 19/5/2011 17:38 - United States

Today, I woke up in a panic to what sounded like a plane about to crash into my house. I was so scared, I peed myself and passed out. It was just my cell phone vibrating under my pillow. FML

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By guest - 1/4/2011 21:33 - United States

Today, my wife decided that to help her stop smoking, she's also giving up the things that make her crave a cigarette. Sex is one of them. FML

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By livay315 - 8/4/2009 20:08 - United States

Today, my daughter's school was putting on a fashion show for charity and all the kids were supposed to ask their mothers to be in it. I asked my daughter about it and she said "well I was going to ask you, but they said only to 'ask all of your BEAUTIFUL mommies." FML

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By SeriouslyMakeItStop - 21/3/2014 11:09 - United States - Waco

Today, three days before I take my bar exam, the biggest exam of my life, I got my monthly. And I get to bring my belongings in a clear plastic bag so the world knows. FML

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By grandma - 8/2/2014 15:12 - United States - Barnesville

Today, I check my phone regularly for calls or texts from her. I take her out to eat frequently, and we sleep in the same bed sometimes. Today I realized the closest thing I have to a boyfriend is my grandma. FML

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By happypineapple - 17/7/2014 03:31 - Australia - Scarborough

Today, I went to a market. I saw stall which had mainly animal furs and things like that. I found a rounded, furry pen and stroked my cheek with it. Wondering what it was, being so soft and oddly shaped, I checked the tag. It was kangaroo testicles. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/10/2015 04:00 - United Kingdom - Nuneaton

Today, I found out that my fiancé's sister, who only got engaged a couple of months ago, is getting married before us. I wouldn't have a problem with this if she wasn't planning her wedding to be exactly like ours will be. FML

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By Loveless - 6/5/2019 00:00

Today, I discovered my girlfriend's secret blog, where all she does is vent about how much she cheats on me and hates me, but will never leave me because she can’t afford to. Her followers love and support these actions. FML

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By jk2010 - 3/2/2010 17:44 - Israel

Today, I finally removed my car insurance after realizing it costs too much money. Since I then had more money, I went to celebrate with ice cream. On the way, I got hit by a truck. FML

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By mary - 9/8/2012 18:10 - United Kingdom

Today, some guy asked me if he could borrow my lighter. I said "of course," reached into my handbag, and gave him the lighter. He stared at me for a few seconds until I realised I'd given him a tampax. FML

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By man2 - 23/9/2010 11:18 - Ireland

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I was unsuccessful at a job interview, and she didn't want to be with someone who "has no future". She's unemployed too. FML

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By LT - 7/8/2009 18:29 - United States

Today, the car I was in got pulled over by the police for making an illegal turn. I was in a cab. And he kept the meter running. FML

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By Weedle - 4/6/2019 20:00

Today, I was at my brother's graduation. His mom was taking pictures of him in his cap and gown, but she got a picture of me sucking off a Coke bottle for a laugh, and she posted it on Facebook. FML

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By bitch - 7/10/2013 07:37 - Australia

Today, I was working behind the bar at a club. After serving drinks to a guy, he asked me if I could carry them outside to the two girls waiting for him. I scowled at him and told him I wasn't a waitress. That's when I realised he had one arm. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/7/2014 23:16 - United States - Salem

Today, I asked my class of fifth graders to write down a list of all the compound words they knew. At least four of them put down 'motherfucker'. FML

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By argh - 20/3/2012 08:16 - United States - Houston

Today, I woke up to the faint memory of being drunk enough to draw dicks on my own face in permanent marker. FML

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By p!$$3D0FF - 15/1/2009 02:02 - Australia

Today, I bought a pair of new speakers for my comp. I forgot I had installed various volume enhancing programs and also maxed out all sound settings. I connected the new speakers and played some music. The sound destroyed them. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/9/2013 11:45 - United States - Gorham

Today, after 8 months of being belittled and treated like trash at my job as a prep cook in a high-end kitchen, I stood up for myself to the line cooks. Not only did everyone laugh at me, I got fired for causing a scene during service and insubordination. FML

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By B.B - 7/10/2016 14:03 - United States - New York

Today, my husband brought me breakfast in bed. Don't get me wrong, I'm very thankful and love him even more for the thought. But the only problem with breakfast in bed is that you have to eat what they bring you, even if it's bad. FML

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By Rabite - 15/9/2016 14:48 - Germany - Bonn

Today, I called a cab to get me and my cat home from the vet. After a 40 minute wait and three calls to the taxi company, the operator told me that the driver she sent to my location just confirmed that he already has a woman with my name and a cat in his car. FML

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By fatty - 7/6/2009 02:14 - United States

Today, my friend was complaining about how fat she was. To make her feel better I said, "Psh, you're not fat! In fact we're about the same weight!" She looked at me for a second, then burst into tears sobbing, "I'm fat! I'm fat!" FML

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By WTF - 22/4/2009 19:46 - United States

Today, my son and I were on an airplane playing "I Spy" to pass the time. The game went back and forth a few times when my son said, "I spy something yellow." After pointing out numerous yellow objects on the plane I gave up. He said, "Daddy! It's your teeth!" FML

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By davidthegreat - 5/7/2011 08:27 - Japan

Today, I had to come to terms with the fact that I'm getting older because my pubic hair is turning white. FML

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By Not really - 19/7/2018 15:00

Happy birthday?

Today, I picked up a birthday card for my dad at the supermarket in a mad rush. I didn’t realise that the inside said “From your daughter”. He thinks this was my way of coming out as trans, and said that he suspected it for years. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/2/2011 18:40 - United States

Today, I went in to the doctor's thinking I had a bladder infection. I walked out knowing I'm pregnant. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/9/2012 12:03 - United States - Altamonte Springs

Today, while trying to rouse my sleeping boyfriend for some morning sex, he came. FML

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By spreadburger - 21/11/2014 00:29 - United States - Tampa

Today, my co-worker threw a rubber mallet at my face, and I broke my finger in the process of saving my face. She then told me to "take it up with HR, bitch". She's the HR manager. FML

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By mustache girl - 27/5/2013 23:10 - Canada - Magog

Today, I waxed my upper lip hair. My boyfriend later told me that he missed my mustache rubbing onto his. FML

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By JimmyT - 3/3/2013 22:21 - Norway - Bergen

Today, while mopping floors at the police station, an inmate pissed on the floor, demanded that I suck his dick, begged me for a glass of water and finally informed me that he would kill my family. I said nothing and he started weeping softly. I laughed, but slipped in his piss and broke my arm. FML

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By Egyptian ToyBoy - 17/12/2019 20:00

Seventh heaven

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend. She had such an uncontrollable aggressive orgasm. I'd celebrate my efforts only if she didn't knock over my new expensive laptop, when then split in half. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/4/2013 23:13 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I was given a powerful laxative to clear me out. I can't go to the bathroom because the four guests of my sleeping roommate are all sitting in dead silence against the paper-thin bathroom wall. FML

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By Mom - 11/6/2011 17:25 - United States

Today, I found out all about my son's secret online double life. He's been moonlighting for two years as a male prostitute by the name of Peter Parker. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/7/2009 05:57 - United States

Today, my nose was really stuffed up and I was out of cold medicine. I heard spices may help with this kind of problem. Unfortunately I thought red pepper would be a great thing to snort at the time. Not only is my nose still stuffed up but I also have immense nasal pain. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/6/2010 19:31 - United States

Today, I finally weighed myself after going on a strict diet of only fruits, vegetables, and coffee. I gained weight. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/5/2009 20:15 - Canada

Today, I woke up after a night of partying and went to the bathroom. That’s when I realized that after passing out with my shoes on last night, my friends decided use a black sharpie and play “connect the dots” with my acne. FML

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By marenthehollow - 31/10/2016 00:33 - United States - American Fork

Today, I got yelled at by a customer for saving them money. FML

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By jriese444 - 23/12/2011 15:45 - United States

Today, my sister is visiting. She used more toilet paper today than I have in two months. FML

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By Gomer - 11/4/2014 14:51 - United States - New York

Today, I went to a veterans' reunion party with my grandpa. While there, a guy started yelling at me for having an unapproved haircut. It was my grandpa's old drill sergeant, and he thought I was in the army too. Everyone just smirked as he forced me to drop and do push-ups. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/5/2009 13:21 - United States

Today, I was in the dressing room of my favorite store. While looking in the mirror at a shirt I really like, the fire alarm went off. In a panic, I ran out of the store like everyone else. The sensor went off on my shirt and I was banned from the store for attempted theft. FML

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By leaannec30 - 10/7/2016 18:52 - Canada - Hamilton

Today, I thought my car was overheating. I then thought it was wise to put my hand close to my muffler to feel the heat. Needless to say, I stuck my entire hand on my muffler then had to drive around with the only cold thing in my car. A cold beer from my cooler. Yes, I got pulled over. FML

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Top comments

By AlwaySunny | 0

#2534975 - Thursday 19 May 2011 19:02

you want a side of incest with that walk?

By ILoveEggnog | 7

#2534950 - Thursday 19 May 2011 19:00

And let the awkward silence ensue.

COMMENTS

By ZacharyClift | 1

#2534945 - Thursday 19 May 2011 18:59

so akward!

Reply

whiteboy7thst | 2

#2535051 - Thursday 19 May 2011 19:15

Awkward, and many other terms...

Reply

juicedboi | 7

#2535064 - Thursday 19 May 2011 19:18

She didn't ask why you suddenly held her hand? Doesn't sound like she found it that strange.

Reply

Jjustin | 0

#2535397 - Thursday 19 May 2011 21:05

hey 21 are you even really whiteboy7thst?

Reply

unvmesucka | 0

#2535483 - Thursday 19 May 2011 21:31

She wanted your Hong in her Kong.

Reply

sterlingarcher | 1

#2535595 - Thursday 19 May 2011 22:25

22... I agree

Reply

dcam13 | 19

#2535695 - Thursday 19 May 2011 23:09

dude you held her hand, what's the big deal?????? laugh off the mistake with her... and then maybe stop thinking incest is cute:)

Reply

futtbuck101 | 1

#2536082 - Friday 20 May 2011 1:00

let's hope you're not a redneck otherwise things would get way out of hand(pun intended)

Reply

imacreeper | 3

#2536102 - Friday 20 May 2011 1:03

creeper much? and that's even creepy for me.

Reply

ILoveSomeFun | 0

#2536827 - Friday 20 May 2011 3:32

LOL

Reply

PurpleRae420 | 0

#2536834 - Friday 20 May 2011 3:34

Ok but your family you can't hold hands with your family what if your close to them? And as far as being cute now that's kinda wierd but you both should have laughed it off life is too short not too!

Reply

sterlingarcher | 1

#2537142 - Friday 20 May 2011 4:55

how do i get thumbs down for agreeing with someone who has 22 thumbs up??? jeez why are people so rude?!?

Reply

toastyjustice | 5

#2537179 - Friday 20 May 2011 5:08

because that's what the thumbs up button is for

Reply

dcam13 | 19

#2540373 - Friday 20 May 2011 23:13

118, you got a thumbs down from me for caring that you got thumbed down, lol. :)

Reply

nahgemsoohc | 0

#2543024 - Saturday 21 May 2011 10:44

hahahahahah!!! nice one, 150!

Reply

noelykins1 | 19

#2546161 - Saturday 21 May 2011 22:45

maybe the cousin in like8

By ILoveEggnog | 7

#2534950 - Thursday 19 May 2011 19:00

And let the awkward silence ensue.

Reply

chino627 | 0

#2535099 - Thursday 19 May 2011 19:25

Let the therapy begin!!!!!

By MrCush89 | 0

#2534955 - Thursday 19 May 2011 19:00

lol hand n bag sound alike 2 yu?

Reply

moosemonkey1000 | 6

#2535029 - Thursday 19 May 2011 19:11

2nd GraAd is uh foreign concept too yu?

Reply

uncbballwins | 0

#2535138 - Thursday 19 May 2011 19:34

She probably said handbag

Reply

clumsydude | 10

#2535326 - Thursday 19 May 2011 20:42

Don't you mean *Hong Kong?

Reply

FYLimhoYDI | 0

#2535442 - Thursday 19 May 2011 21:23

hooooooong koooooooong fooooey! lmao

Reply

gb_chrs | 2

#2535897 - Friday 20 May 2011 0:06

nope, in Chinese hand is "sou (so-uh)" and bag is "bao (p-ah-ow)"

Reply

rudikk99 | 2

#2536983 - Friday 20 May 2011 4:13

might be on honk kong...

Reply

I_Deserved_It | 8

#2537264 - Friday 20 May 2011 5:32

This is in Hong Kong, so if they were speaking in Chinese, it would've been Cantonese. And hand in Canto is "sau" while bag is "doi". Which sound nothing alike, and neither do their equivalents in English. Way to go, OP.

Reply

kingedoftheworld | 0

#2537697 - Friday 20 May 2011 8:00

not really, depends on how you say it. it's shou (hand) and then shou dai (hand bag)

By spazmattic | 0

#2534957 - Thursday 19 May 2011 19:01

kissing cousins?

Reply

CrazyGirl445 | 4

#2535718 - Thursday 19 May 2011 23:17

insist is best (;

Reply

trevishere | 7

#2535738 - Thursday 19 May 2011 23:21

75 - incest**?

Reply

Hockeyboy4280 | 18

#2535851 - Thursday 19 May 2011 23:56

WINCE__ Yeah, Nevermind, I'll spare the people of another one of these jokes...

Reply

hc20 | 0

#2537134 - Friday 20 May 2011 4:54

do you live in Kentucky?

Reply

eradonnes | 0

#2537408 - Friday 20 May 2011 6:16

i believe its kansas

Reply

Bossman11 | 6

#2537447 - Friday 20 May 2011 6:25

they never said anything about kissing

Reply

babyyappld | 7

#2538355 - Friday 20 May 2011 12:14

it's hong kong actually....

By traze | 7

#2534958 - Thursday 19 May 2011 19:01

Some hidden feelings there?

By chrisjw27 | 18

#2534964 - Thursday 19 May 2011 19:01

what the hell is wrong with you? of course she didn't want you to told her hand you strange strange man.

Reply

AirsoftKY | 0

#2535693 - Thursday 19 May 2011 23:08

maybe he's from Eastern KY

Reply

MissZoe62 | 4

#2535861 - Thursday 19 May 2011 23:56

6- that is one awesome toaster!

By AlwaySunny | 0

#2534975 - Thursday 19 May 2011 19:02

you want a side of incest with that walk?

Reply

RedPillSucks | 31

#2535073 - Thursday 19 May 2011 19:21

more like wince-est

Reply

ro3b | 0

#2539144 - Friday 20 May 2011 16:38

haha funny

By ceddyz17 | 10

#2534989 - Thursday 19 May 2011 19:04

it's not like you kissed your cousin? or did you

Reply

xoxoMEGANxoxo | 13

#2535292 - Thursday 19 May 2011 20:28

oh geez

By DaySetsFire | 2

#2534992 - Thursday 19 May 2011 19:04

he wants to have sex with his cousin the end

By chris71sk8r | 8

#2534998 - Thursday 19 May 2011 19:06

I don't get it either. It doesn't seem bad or actually worth a FML. It's just holding someones hand. I'd do the same thing just to bother someone.