Health: Today, I was driving home, when a truck overtook me. Two of the... - FML

By mooselord - United States

Today, I was driving home, when a truck overtook me. Two of the Christmas trees it was carrying fell off straight into my bumper. The car behind me pulled over, but instead of seeing if I was okay, he just went to see whether or not either of the trees was in good enough shape to take home. FML

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Sorry…

The bird

"Based on your purchase history…"

By shitty shit - United States - Carmel

Today, I was looking at old pictures with my mom and saw one of myself crying in kindergarten. I asked why I was crying. She said that was the day a boy kissed me on the cheek, and I thought I'd gotten pregnant. She then decided to give me the sex talk. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Newark

Who's a good boy? Not you.

Today, while walking my dog in a cemetery, she stole a stuffed animal off a child's grave and began to play with it. FML

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By anon

Today, while working as a cashier, a really cute guy came up and said, "Hi Morgan". I freaked out and asked him how he knew my name. He then replied, "You have a name tag". FML

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By concusion - United States

Today, I found out the "small termite problem" the inspector told me about wasn't so small when a box from the attic fell through the floor and hit me in the head. FML

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By starboy - United States

Today, I was humming the Star Wars theme song while on the bus. When my stop came I walked down the aisle only to hear a girl mutter, "The virginity is strong in this one." She's right. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I asked my boyfriend what celebrity I look like. He thought long and hard, then said "Sarah Jessica Parker." I gasped and told him that I find her extremely hideous. He replied "So do I." FML

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By wrongnumber - United States

Today, someone posted online a listing for a bicycle for sale, and accidentally put my phone number instead of their own. I have received more calls in one day than I have from friends and family in a week. FML

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By Apparentlycreepy - United States

Today, I got rejected by two different guys. One was my ex-boyfriend who said he wanted to keep our friendship, and the other was a guy I went on a date with who faked a European accent the whole time during our date despite him being born and raised in Texas. FML

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By bigryngf - United States

Today, I was on my couch when my landlord walked in. He asked what I was doing there. I responded with the same question. Apparently my roommate forgot to call me and tell me that our lease ended three days ago. I am now standing in the parking lot with all my belongings, and it is raining. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I discovered that my new landlords must meet and approve guests of mine before they come over, and guests are not allowed when they aren't home or past 11pm. I'm 25 years old and just moved out of my parents' home to get away from my controlling mother. FML

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By jhftrainer23 - United States

Today, the woman I'm training at work asked, while staring intently at the keyboard, "now, which one of these buttons is the space-bar again?" She is 80 years old, types about 1 word per minute, and I have just one week to get her completely trained. FML

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By Bullet - United States

Today, I had to go along with my mom to meet some of her old friends from high school. When they asked her about how her life was going, she said she was married, always traveling, no kids, and introduced me as the neighbor's kid she babysits. FML

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By Anonymous

Air Conditioned Egg on Face?

Today, I went to see the mechanic who'd just serviced my car, because it was still leaking cooling fluid. I started to explain the problem, but he stopped me and asked if I'd had the AC on. I said yes. He smiled and said lots people have this "problem" in summer. Did you know the AC releases fluid when you turn it off? I didn't. FML

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By comedybreak - United States

Today, my doctor told me that the reason I'm losing my eyesight is because I'm straining my eyes, and that the best thing for me to do is to limit my time in front of computers. I spent years in college to get my current job which involves sitting in front of computers. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that when my parents said they couldn't afford gifts for us kids, what they really meant was that they weren't buying a gift for me. I found this out when I overheard my father telling my uncle about the things he got my siblings. FML

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By HormonesSuck - 25/3/2021 23:30 - United Kingdom - Plymouth

Hormones

Today, I'm 23 weeks pregnant and super horny. I also cried during sex with my husband because I can't orgasm. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Wrong question

Today, my girlfriend and I were having ice cream and I jokingly asked, "What's better? The sex or ice cream?" Apparently, I don't pleasure her like Mint Chocolate Chip Ice Cream does. FML

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By traumatized - United States

Today, I was at the mall with some friends. In the food court we passed by this creepy pervert feeling up a woman. I take a closer look and realize with horror that the guy is my dad in sunglasses and a hat. The lady he was with was not my mom. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Indiana

Today, I got locked out of my car for an hour in frigid weather at a busy gas station. Every time I tried to use the key, the alarm went off and the locks wouldn't work. The car company claims they've never heard of this happening. I just bought it last week after taking out a 5 year loan. FML

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By seriously - United States - Oak Lawn

Today, I decided to splurge and get valet parking at a fancy restaurant. I got out of the car and gave the man my keys and watched as he slowly backed my car into another car. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my husband came home with tears in his eyes. I ran and asked him why he was crying. He said he wasn't, but he finally admitting to talking to a woman in a bar who, when she noticed his wedding ring, sprayed him with mace. FML

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By Sunshine.0.ninja - United States

Today, I was looking through my boyfriends phone, when I found a naked picture of myself. Too bad I haven't sent him any. Ever. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/1/2021 00:31 - India - Bangalore

We feel for you, bruh

Today, I realised that I wasted my teenage life just to be a parent pleaser. I'm in the final months of high school and while everyone is enjoying the last days, I'm sat here being a "good" son, listening to my parents argue, maybe divorcing. I'm in tears and can't go out as I'm not invited to anything anymore. FML

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By notagain

Grindr danger

Today, while on Grindr, I met a guy who seemed really nice and we hit it off. After chatting for a bit, I received a message from his wife, telling me I'd better leave him alone. This isn't the first time that's happened. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Augusta

Today, and recently, many of my friends have been acting strangely. My birthday is coming up soon, so I thought maybe they were planning a surprise party. Nope. Turns out they've just been secretly hanging out without me. FML

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By jcedarholm - United States - San Marcos

Today, at work, I was talking to a Scottish woman when my coworker and I both told her we were also Scottish. To this she replied, "We Scottish people get around." I then said, "Tell me about it, I'm one of four siblings from my dad, he definitely gets around." She was talking about travel. FML

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By Candy - United States

Today, my mom bought me some expensive Japanese candy. I opened it, and saw that each chewy candy was wrapped in a thin, hard to peel off wrapper. After trying to get each wrapper off, I determined they were unopen-able and threw them away. I then read the box, saying the wrappers were edible. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, it was my wedding. Everyone showed up, except my fiancé. FML

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By fmylifechelsea - Canada

Today, I was taking my boyfriend to meet my grandparents. They live on the 27th floor. Alone in the elevator we started making out. Turns out that theres a camera in the elevator, connected to every apartment. My grandma asked me how it was. FML

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By kdubz23 - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, the parent of a student called to ask me about a homework assignment. At the end of the call, she told me that I seem to be losing my "Asian accent" from when she first talked to me in the summer. I was born in the US, grew up in NJ and speak perfect English. FML

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By Ren - United States

Today, I applied for a job in an Italian restaurant. Ideally I wanted to be a hostess rather than a waitress, and I told the manager as much. His response? "No no no. Hostess no good for you. We leave that to the pretty girls." FML

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By Anonymous

Evil will always win

Today, I tried to suspend a junior accountant for turning up to work late and stoned 3 separate times. Turns out his uncle is a part owner of the business, so the accountant got to smile his smug little grin as I got yelled at for not minding my own business. FML

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By hAHAha Halo - United States

Today, my girlfriend's father offered her $10 to stop talking to me. I don't have a girlfriend anymore. FML

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By snickerdoodles - United States

Today, I was in class and noticed that it smelled strongly of cat urine. I smelled my shoulder and realized that my cat had peed on my sweater. I had six hours of classes left, and the smell had permeated my shirt. FML

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By thanks mom ¬_¬ - United States - Carlsbad

Today, my mom visited my new apartment for the first time. I was showing her the bedroom, when she looked into my opened sock drawer and said, "Using Durex, eh? Yeah, you were born 'cause a Trojan split." FML

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By PoorCar - United States

Today, I went on a trip to DC. When I got back I found out my car was stolen. Apparently they didn't know how to drive a stick because it was only 4 blocks from my house and the engine was blown. FML

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By iswearicandrive - United States

Today, I hit my boss's car. It's only my second day on the job. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my partner and I were spending quality time with a newly single friend. She quoted some song lyrics, saying "If you want to be happy for the rest of your life, make an ugly woman your wife...". We all laughed, and then my partner said "Boy, you got THAT right." FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I went to a paintball match with a group of friends, one of whom brought his dad along. His dad is a weight-lifting, wannabe alpha male fucknut who thinks that chokeslamming opponents is a legitimate close-quarters paintball tactic. My broken shoulder disagrees. FML

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By asthmattack - Australia - Mona Vale

Today, I was suffering from an asthma attack, so I grabbed my inhaler and took a puff. This was probably very disturbing for the earwig which had somehow made my puffer its home, as I discovered when it shot into my mouth. FML

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Top comments

By SonyIsGod | 13

#5780459 - Friday 6 December 2013 1:28

'Tis the season!

By ComoEsJuan | 24

#5780466 - Friday 6 December 2013 1:30

Yule be sorry that you didn't grab it first!

COMMENTS

By SonyIsGod | 13

#5780459 - Friday 6 December 2013 1:28

'Tis the season!

Reply

th3mai1man | 6

#5780502 - Friday 6 December 2013 1:38

this has nothing to do with your comment, but I'm loving your homunculus profile pic.

Reply

MidnaLink | 32

#5780721 - Friday 6 December 2013 4:37

Technically the homunculi didn't create that symbol, it's called the Ouroborous, the symbol of cycles.

Reply

dingleberrysteve | 6

#5780808 - Friday 6 December 2013 6:14

tis the season to sue for negligence!

Reply

ohSNAPyall | 26

#5780840 - Friday 6 December 2013 6:42

That's the spirit! Goodwill toward men.

Reply

incoherentrmblr | 21

#5781006 - Friday 6 December 2013 10:10

I can only wonder what Clark Griswold would do...

Reply

False_Stupidity | 41

#5781079 - Friday 6 December 2013 12:01

He was probably driving the truck #38

Reply

Clay_Pidgeon | 11

#5783537 - Sunday 8 December 2013 8:09

#33. tis the season to lose money for hiring lawyers and not winning shit...

By Dallasluver19 | 14

#5780462 - Friday 6 December 2013 1:29

Some people. FYL

Reply

teareb | 9

#5780871 - Friday 6 December 2013 7:29

Other people FYL

Reply

mallu86 | 9

#5781612 - Friday 6 December 2013 20:43

# 37 you people.

By ComoEsJuan | 24

#5780466 - Friday 6 December 2013 1:30

Yule be sorry that you didn't grab it first!

Reply

JtPv | 14

#5780553 - Friday 6 December 2013 2:06

Punny pun not punny.

Reply

iknowiwantyou | 13

#5780848 - Friday 6 December 2013 6:49

what the fuck are you trying to say

Reply

PieReaper | 11

#5781775 - Saturday 7 December 2013 0:19

Yule be sorry you skipped english class

By SonyIsGod | 13

#5780469 - Friday 6 December 2013 1:30

'Tis the season!

By karlcolt45 | 19

#5780475 - Friday 6 December 2013 1:31

make a frankentree. use the best parts of both trees

By pikapikalove | 5

#5780488 - Friday 6 December 2013 1:33

Yule be fine, OP.

...No? Okay then.

By TheCrispyCat | 20

#5780492 - Friday 6 December 2013 1:34

People start being more and more assholes to other people from Black Friday on

Reply

AnOriginalName | 19

#5780575 - Friday 6 December 2013 2:18

I don't see how anyone was an asshole in this story. It sounds like the other driver left the second tree for OP to take home.

Reply

TheCrispyCat | 20

#5780746 - Friday 6 December 2013 5:04

I guess that's true. That guy was pretty nice!

By Rizzen | 27

#5780497 - Friday 6 December 2013 1:36

well the economy is though these days :/

By carelessxdanger | 9

#5780509 - Friday 6 December 2013 1:41

he's on the naughty list for sure!

By cakefete2 | 30

#5780513 - Friday 6 December 2013 1:41

Could have been worse OP. Glad you're ok.