Health: Today, I was driving home, when a truck overtook me. Two of the... - FML

By mooselord - United States

Today, I was driving home, when a truck overtook me. Two of the Christmas trees it was carrying fell off straight into my bumper. The car behind me pulled over, but instead of seeing if I was okay, he just went to see whether or not either of the trees was in good enough shape to take home. FML

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There's no helping some people

Triage

Trust

By Anonymous - United States - Mission

Today, I lost my virginity. We'd both waited until marriage, so I thought it'd be nice and romantic. Nope. He slipped it into my ass and claimed he didn't know which hole was the right one. FML

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By youmindyourownbusiness - United States - Genoa

Today, I walked past a few of my coworkers sitting outside smoking. As I got a whiff of the smoke, I coughed. They immediately started to defend their habit, and I was told to "mind my own fucking business." I wasn't trying to be rude; I'm actually allergic to cigarette smoke. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, my mother asked me if she could borrow $200. Being the lovely daughter I am, I gave her my bank card to withdraw it herself. She gambled it away and maxed my bank account out. I had $1500 saved. FML

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By Username

Today, I called a possible employer I had an interview with about a week ago to see if I had got the job that I have already been trained for. Her response? "Are you sure I interviewed you?" FML

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By Unsatisfied - Canada

Today, I found the only man who hates sex. He's my boyfriend. FML

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By baby_trex_arms - United States - San Francisco

Today, I had to play the hot and cold game with my boyfriend until he found my clitoris. FML

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By Neglected - United States - Wimberley

Today, I told my husband it would be great to spend an evening with a bottle of wine and a pile of blankets on the balcony of our cabin during the cruise. He decided it would be great to ditch me and go out gambling. FML

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By tycrist8 - United States - Lawrence

Today, my family and I were driving and we passed a strip club called DB's Golden Banana. My 5-year-old sister asked what it was, so my dad said it was a place where people dance. Now my sister keeps telling people she wants to be a dancer at DB's Golden Banana. FML

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By sweatstreaks - United Kingdom

Today, I noticed that when I sweat I smell like bacon. I'm a vegetarian. FML

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By bad_day_in_hell - United States

Today, I woke up to a phone call from my boss' wife. She demanded to know how long we'd been sleeping together. When I denied her allegations, she screamed that she knew all about my "history of sleeping with married men". I'm a virgin and I have to work with him tomorrow. FML

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By jajaja - Canada

Today, I got my braces on. When we got in the car my dad looked over and said "well at least we dont have to worry about boys for the next two years." FML

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By inthefamily - United States - Washington

Today, my fiancé's stepfather asked me how my teaching job was going. I replied heatedly that I've never taught, and then complained bitterly to my fiancé about how his family still doesn't know me. Turns out his stepfather has early onset dementia, and that I'm an asshole. FML

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By cbarebo - United States

Today, I went in my room to play my guitar. I found my Les Paul on the floor with all the strings missing. I later found out my grandma cut them off because I was playing "Devil's Music." FML

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By ThisIsMyLife

Flowers (Nothing But)

Today, I bought flowers with my groceries at the grocery store. After the cashier scanned them, he handed them back to me so they wouldn't get crushed in my cart. It was then that I realized he's the first man to ever hand me flowers. FML

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By pistonsunshine - United States

Today, I took a girl out I've been seeing for two months on our first real date. I had saved all my money for the week for this. I took her to a beautiful restaurant uptown. She got hammered, hit me and screamed that I would never be as good as "Marshall." FML

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By Insensitive - United States

Today, I was talking on my mobile and walking into a grocery store saying, quite loudly, "Time heals all wounds!" right as I passed a woman with significant burns covering her face. I guess I was wrong. FML

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By ugh - Canada - Lethbridge

Today, my mother went through my bag and found what she thought was rolling papers. I was yelled at and called a stupid pothead with no future. They were facial blotting papers. FML

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By biotch - United States

Today, as a volunteer at the local daycare, I was with 3 and 4 year olds. They thought it would be funny to trip me and then jump on my back. I hit my elbow hard on the ground. A bunch of pre-schoolers beat me up. FML

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By Anonymous - Italy - Verona

Today, my fiancé and I had to attend a wedding. Problem is, I suffer from a severe form of social anxiety. Since I was getting too close to a panic attack, he suggested drinking some wine to help me stay calm, and it worked. Up until I got drunk and threw up in the middle of the restaurant. FML

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By Anonymous

With friends like her, who needs money?

Today, I maxed out my credit card trying to help a friend of over 19 years to go see her family for Christmas, only to find out she changed her mind and doesn’t really want to go. I can’t return the bus tickets, and she’s mad at me. FML

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By fstfckd - United States

Today, at college, I was frantically trying to finish an essay on gay rights that was due less than an hour later. In the end I failed, because the college internet filters kept classifying every single page containing the information I needed as "sex", and blocked it all. FML

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By BirdBrain

Today, I discovered that I don't have a college fund. My mother stole the money when she divorced my dad and he never bothered to tell me. Now he's offered to pay my tuition if I go to a military academy. If I don't take the offer, he wants me to move out by next Friday. FML

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By HAIL SITHIS - United States

Today, I was on a date, and I tried breaking the ice by telling him my best joke. He laughed hysterically for a good 10 seconds, started beating the table with his fist, then suddenly went deadpan and said "No, seriously, you're a moron. Screw this date." FML

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By straightasaneedle - Germany

Today, after three weeks of putting it off, I decided to ask out the girl I've had a major crush on since third grade. When I told her, she smiled, but then quickly said, "But aren't you gay?" FML

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By Anonymous

Today, it's the 8th day in a row that my mother-in-law has made me drink laxative tea. I still haven't pooped yet and I'm terrified of what's to come. FML

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By iliterallypoopedmyself - Australia

Today, I anxiously waited 8 hours for an important phone call. The phone rang while I was sitting on the toilet. FML

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By Instacreep

Today, I found out that when someone posts a "story" on Instagram, they can see who has viewed it and how many times. I have been viewing an ex's story every day for the past week. We do not follow each other. FML

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By IrisKitty - United States - Englewood

Today, I found out my grandma sleeps in the nude. I witnessed her running naked from her bedroom to the bathroom, because she "didn't have enough time" to put on her robe. I need to get my own place. FML

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By Sailorjoe - United States

Today, I had to take out the trash at work and I kept trying to throw it in the dumpster. After five tries I finally made it in. I was feeling pretty good since the bag was heavy. That was until I turned around and saw about 30 of my coworkers applauding and laughing at me. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I got rear-ended on my way home from the pet store, causing my pet food to open up and go flying all over the floor of my car. My pet is a snake, and his food is live mice. FML

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By Broke - Australia - Melbourne

Today, while I was waiting to pull out of a parking space, my boyfriend decided it would be funny to put the car into reverse instead of drive while I was waiting for traffic to clear. I don't think the people who own the car behind me were laughing. Nor is my now ex-boyfriend. FML

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By Shocked - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I exchanged promise rings. I promised that I would stay committed to him and that he was the only one for me. He promised that he would stop seeing other woman behind my back. He wasn't kidding. FML

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By anon - United Kingdom - London

Today, I tried to motivate my 9-year-old sister to clean her room. She said she'd only agree if she could kill me. Thinking she was just kidding around, and not a total psychopath, I said sure. She ran to her room shouting, "Yes! I'm gonna use the big knife!" She's still cleaning now. FML

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By TetrisMaster - Australia

Today, I discovered that my heart rate is higher while playing Tetris than it is during sex. FML

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By aloneagainnaturally - Denmark - S?borg

Today, we were all put in groups to make a presentation together. And by "together" I mean I pulled an all nighter to finish it by myself. My group criticized my work. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Powell

Today, after having multiple dreams where I have a daughter with my boyfriend, I'm now emotionally attached to a child who isn't real, and I get depressed when I can't be with her in real life. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Windsor Heights

Today, I had to take a drug test for a new job. I ended up spilling the cup of pee all over myself. I had to explain what had happened, then go sit in a waiting room full of disgusted-looking people, while I kept drinking water to fill my bladder back up. FML

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By Meagan smith - United States

Today, I started my new job as a teacher. Worried about how I looked, I asked a coworker if I looked okay. She said, "You look fine. Just like a normal high school kid." I spent the next half hour convincing her that I was not a student, but a teacher. FML

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By Maiar - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, my husband confessed that when he's angry with me, he uses my makeup sponge to apply his hemorrhoid cream. FML

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By xTRYSOFTx - 7/3/2020 03:00 - United States

Crime scene

Today, I called the police because I thought a burglar had broken into our house. I found out the strange noise was just my dog fucking about, so I smashed a small window and kicked down a door so I wouldn't be embarrassed. FML

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Top comments

By SonyIsGod | 13

#5780459 - Friday 6 December 2013 1:28

'Tis the season!

By ComoEsJuan | 24

#5780466 - Friday 6 December 2013 1:30

Yule be sorry that you didn't grab it first!

COMMENTS

By SonyIsGod | 13

#5780459 - Friday 6 December 2013 1:28

'Tis the season!

Reply

th3mai1man | 6

#5780502 - Friday 6 December 2013 1:38

this has nothing to do with your comment, but I'm loving your homunculus profile pic.

Reply

MidnaLink | 32

#5780721 - Friday 6 December 2013 4:37

Technically the homunculi didn't create that symbol, it's called the Ouroborous, the symbol of cycles.

Reply

dingleberrysteve | 6

#5780808 - Friday 6 December 2013 6:14

tis the season to sue for negligence!

Reply

ohSNAPyall | 26

#5780840 - Friday 6 December 2013 6:42

That's the spirit! Goodwill toward men.

Reply

incoherentrmblr | 21

#5781006 - Friday 6 December 2013 10:10

I can only wonder what Clark Griswold would do...

Reply

False_Stupidity | 41

#5781079 - Friday 6 December 2013 12:01

He was probably driving the truck #38

Reply

Clay_Pidgeon | 11

#5783537 - Sunday 8 December 2013 8:09

#33. tis the season to lose money for hiring lawyers and not winning shit...

By Dallasluver19 | 14

#5780462 - Friday 6 December 2013 1:29

Some people. FYL

Reply

teareb | 9

#5780871 - Friday 6 December 2013 7:29

Other people FYL

Reply

mallu86 | 9

#5781612 - Friday 6 December 2013 20:43

# 37 you people.

By ComoEsJuan | 24

#5780466 - Friday 6 December 2013 1:30

Yule be sorry that you didn't grab it first!

Reply

JtPv | 14

#5780553 - Friday 6 December 2013 2:06

Punny pun not punny.

Reply

iknowiwantyou | 13

#5780848 - Friday 6 December 2013 6:49

what the fuck are you trying to say

Reply

PieReaper | 11

#5781775 - Saturday 7 December 2013 0:19

Yule be sorry you skipped english class

By SonyIsGod | 13

#5780469 - Friday 6 December 2013 1:30

'Tis the season!

By karlcolt45 | 19

#5780475 - Friday 6 December 2013 1:31

make a frankentree. use the best parts of both trees

By pikapikalove | 5

#5780488 - Friday 6 December 2013 1:33

Yule be fine, OP.

...No? Okay then.

By TheCrispyCat | 20

#5780492 - Friday 6 December 2013 1:34

People start being more and more assholes to other people from Black Friday on

Reply

AnOriginalName | 19

#5780575 - Friday 6 December 2013 2:18

I don't see how anyone was an asshole in this story. It sounds like the other driver left the second tree for OP to take home.

Reply

TheCrispyCat | 20

#5780746 - Friday 6 December 2013 5:04

I guess that's true. That guy was pretty nice!

By Rizzen | 27

#5780497 - Friday 6 December 2013 1:36

well the economy is though these days :/

By carelessxdanger | 9

#5780509 - Friday 6 December 2013 1:41

he's on the naughty list for sure!

By cakefete2 | 30

#5780513 - Friday 6 December 2013 1:41

Could have been worse OP. Glad you're ok.