Today, I was driving home, when a truck overtook me. Two of the... - FML

By mooselord - 5/12/2013 17:41 - United States

Today, I was driving home, when a truck overtook me. Two of the Christmas trees it was carrying fell off straight into my bumper. The car behind me pulled over, but instead of seeing if I was okay, he just went to see whether or not either of the trees was in good enough shape to take home. FML

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Hello everyone!

Get me away from here, I'm dying

What did I do?

By hannibal - 2/11/2010 13:44 - Australia

Today, I heard a loud-speaker announcement in my college that someone had left their car in the car park, still running, with keys in the ignition. I laughed at that person's foolishness until I realised it was mine. FML

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By Noname - 22/1/2009 21:31 - United States

Today, I got a mailer from Adam and Eve with a bunch of hard core porn ads inside. I have been getting these since i ordered a Pirate porn video a few months ago. I was gone for a few weeks overseas. My mother-in-law was getting the mail. FML

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By Medfail - 20/6/2016 07:13 - United Kingdom - Bath

Today, at the age of 27, I learnt that your tonsils aren't the dangly bit at the back of your throat. I work in healthcare. FML

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By BeerSlut - 2/9/2015 21:37 - Portugal - Santa Marta De Penagui?o

Today, my mother called me a slut and unladylike because I prefer beer instead of wine. Apparently, beer's only for "unladylike sluts". FML

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By Stupid - 22/12/2014 07:45 - Australia - Bellerive

Today, I waited thirty minutes for a bus that stopped running three weeks ago. FML

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By dave - 27/10/2009 15:36 - United States

Today, I took a trip to Wal-Mart. There's a car wash that they conveniently built right outside of this Wal-Mart. So as I was leaving, I decided to make use of this car wash, not even thinking about the $200 worth of groceries I had just purchased. I drive a pick-up truck. FML

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By Scared - 23/8/2009 06:19 - United States

Today, when I opened the door to my room at night, I saw this big menacing thing staring right at me. I gasped and my heart started racing. I apprehensively turned on the lights, and I realized that it was the semi-deflated Spongebob balloon that has been in my room for weeks. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/9/2010 18:09 - Greece

Today, my family and I attended a pool party. I never learned to swim, so I didn't bring a suit. When someone asked why I wasn't in the pool, my sister replied in a loud voice, "She's on her period and didn't want the pool to get dirty!" Thanks. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/6/2015 23:13 - Ireland - Dublin

Today, I went to the living room where my mother was so I could ask her about something. I found her lying pantsless on the couch trying to cut her pubic hair with a pair of scissors. FML

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By tannerpaul - 25/3/2011 01:30

Today, I went to the hospital as my girlfriends emergency contact. When I saw her, she was under a blanket because she had no pants. She had a seizure in a guy's bed and he brought her here. He's here and she wants us both to stay. FML

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By I love L - 8/8/2015 22:56 - Canada - Richmond Hill

Today, I woke up panting and drenched in sweat from a horrible nightmare. I'd been dreaming that bright, colored shapes were falling from the sky and I couldn't make them all neatly align with one another on the ground. I guess I should stop playing so much Tetris before bed. FML

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By spoony - 19/1/2009 05:32 - Australia

Today, while on a date with the guy of my dreams, I cut my tongue so bad it bled for an hour. I managed to cut it on the plastic spoon from my coffee. FML

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By pdub523 - 27/1/2013 05:57 - United States - Longview

Today, I met my girlfriend's dad for the first time. His shirt said "D.A.D.D, Dads Against Daughters Dating, shoot the first one and word will spread". FML

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By Brittany - 28/3/2012 02:38 - United States - Kerrville

Today, I failed my driving test. I rammed into the parallel parking poles, ran a stop sign, and stopped at a cross intersection. My instructor called me an idiot. FML

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By BestBF - 23/4/2013 23:22 - United States - Omaha

Today, I decided to be playful and leave my girlfriend flowers and chocolates from an "Anonymous Admirer". She immediately dumped me, saying she couldn't be with someone who "isn't even as romantic as a stranger". Yep, I think I just got dumped for myself. FML

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By x - 21/2/2009 02:39 - United States

Today, a 32 year old man I had been dating for a few months, finally took me to his place. To my surprise, this bachelor had a huge and very clean home! Also, to my surprise, I met the REAL homeowner. His grandmother, who came home early. We were having sex on her couch at the time. FML

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By Aaron - 9/12/2012 23:34 - United States - Matthews

Today, I decided to talk to a girl at the gym I had seen there a lot. I walked up to her at the station she was at and asked her out to dinner sometime. I didn't realize she had been wearing headphones. She took them off and asked if I was waiting on the station. My courage left. I said yes. FML

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By Cold&Soaked - 3/2/2018 05:00

Today, I set my alarm and got up early to view the Super Blue Blood Moon. I was all wrapped up in a blanket and had a perfect view from my backyard. It’s been a truly amazing experience, made even more exciting by the sprinklers turning on. FML

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By Loopy - 7/5/2019 06:00 - Belgium

Today, I had to buy more supplies for the cat my friend asked me to pet sit for 2 weeks. Her 2-week vacation ended over 3 years ago. FML

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By awwshit - 13/10/2009 14:13 - Canada

Today, I told the man I've been in love with for 3 years, who also happens to be my boss, how I felt. He responds by filing sexual harassment charges against me. FML

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By ShitFaced - 1/3/2012 11:35 - United States

Today, I realized I've never had sex with someone who was sober at the time. FML

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By TzarErik - 6/8/2014 23:33 - United States - Fort Collins

Today, at work in a library, I found a dirty diaper stuffed under one of the public use computer desks. Not only was it leaking, but it had been run over several times by a rolling office chair. I had to clean it up. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/6/2013 16:42 - United States - Englewood

Today, I had to go to therapy for my fear of cats. All the way there, my girlfriend kept making cat noises and scratching at me. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/5/2012 13:09 - Sweden - Solna

Today, I was on an airplane, waiting to go to the bathroom. After a few minutes, the man behind me asked what I was waiting for, and checked the bathroom. It was empty, and there was a big line behind me. FML

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By kaipodable - 22/12/2011 01:41 - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me that I can no longer sleep over at his house because his cat doesn't like it. FML

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By sisi9999 - 25/7/2011 04:14 - United States

Today, I learned that I'm allergic to hornets. I also learned that when your mom sprays a hornets' nest, and they come after you, that jumping in the pool doesn't help. They hover and wait for you to surface. FML

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By college estudiata - 27/6/2015 00:57

Today, I realized I need to get my life together after spilling ramen while taking a bath, again. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/6/2014 09:27 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I had dinner for the first time with my boyfriend's parents. It was awkward enough without his mom asking, "So, what do you do for fun, besides my son?" FML

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By me - 23/10/2011 02:06 - United States

Today, I came home from work to my 3 year old daughter sniffing the rug in the living room. When I asked her what she was doing she said "Daddy smell this." So I went, got on my knees and bent down to smell it and she pushed my face in the dog crap smeared in the rug. FML

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By Lorky - 8/5/2020 02:00 - United States

There goes the neighborhood

Today, I received an email from the office of the apartment complex I moved into two months ago. Apparently, a woman a few apartments down from mine was murdered. Time to pack. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/4/2011 09:35 - Australia

Today, I was in the shower 'grooming' myself for my second anniversary with my boyfriend. Halfway through the hot water ran out. I now have the choice of going with the low 'half-fro' or risking hypothermia. My boyfriend thinks hypothermia would be the better option. FML

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By Facepalm2020 - 21/6/2020 23:01

Sips unsee juice

Today, my mom asked me what twerking was. When I said that it was a club dance, trying to get out of telling her what it actually was, she begged me to teach her how to do it. My mom complained to my dad, who grounded me for not teaching her to twerk her ass. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/2/2013 16:27 - Serbia

Today, my girlfriend and I were having a casual conversation, when the topic suddenly became my penis. Before I knew what was going on, she said, "It's not the size that matters though. It's how you use it. So I guess you're ok." FML

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By Brandy_Dandy78 - 12/6/2011 18:47 - United States

Today, I fell asleep as my family drove to church. No one bothered to say anything about the drawings my siblings drew on my face until after church ended. FML

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By hunter168647 - 2/7/2011 05:50 - United States

Today, I bought an otter box. While setting up my iPhone, I dropped it and it is now shattered. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/3/2012 06:15 - Australia

Today, a Russian guy came up to me on the train and informed me that I look exactly like a typical Russian woman. He then went on to explain that I even had enough fat to survive their cold winters. FML

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By Foster_Em - 4/7/2009 04:38 - United States

Today, I was coming home from a date, I saw my ex standing in my drive-way. He had dumped me 2 months ago saying he couldn't talk me. To make him jealous, I made out with my new guy before greeting him. Turns out he couldn't talk to me because he had had cancer and had been afraid to tell me. FML

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By Beeh - 24/12/2009 05:31 - United States

Today, I shared the story of my younger brother's unexpected death with a friend. After telling him the story, I looked at him with teary eyes and he looked back into my eyes and said "I understand how you feel. That is almost as bad as when I lost my cat last spring term." FML

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By Anonymous - 5/8/2015 14:06 - United States

Today, while my boyfriend and I were getting intimate, I let out a moan that can only really be described as sounding like a clown car horn. He ended up laughing so hard that he couldn't continue. FML

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By wenchfucker - 18/6/2012 19:49 - France - ?pinal

Today, I was once again passed over for a promotion. I'm now the assistant to a kid who has failed to meet almost every single responsibility he's been given before. It's my job to make sure he's successful, and if he isn't, I'll lose my job. FML

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Top comments

By SonyIsGod | 13

#5780459 - Friday 6 December 2013 1:28

'Tis the season!

By ComoEsJuan | 24

#5780466 - Friday 6 December 2013 1:30

Yule be sorry that you didn't grab it first!

COMMENTS

By SonyIsGod | 13

#5780459 - Friday 6 December 2013 1:28

'Tis the season!

Reply

th3mai1man | 6

#5780502 - Friday 6 December 2013 1:38

this has nothing to do with your comment, but I'm loving your homunculus profile pic.

Reply

MidnaLink | 32

#5780721 - Friday 6 December 2013 4:37

Technically the homunculi didn't create that symbol, it's called the Ouroborous, the symbol of cycles.

Reply

dingleberrysteve | 6

#5780808 - Friday 6 December 2013 6:14

tis the season to sue for negligence!

Reply

ohSNAPyall | 26

#5780840 - Friday 6 December 2013 6:42

That's the spirit! Goodwill toward men.

Reply

incoherentrmblr | 21

#5781006 - Friday 6 December 2013 10:10

I can only wonder what Clark Griswold would do...

Reply

False_Stupidity | 41

#5781079 - Friday 6 December 2013 12:01

He was probably driving the truck #38

Reply

Clay_Pidgeon | 11

#5783537 - Sunday 8 December 2013 8:09

#33. tis the season to lose money for hiring lawyers and not winning shit...

By Dallasluver19 | 14

#5780462 - Friday 6 December 2013 1:29

Some people. FYL

Reply

teareb | 9

#5780871 - Friday 6 December 2013 7:29

Other people FYL

Reply

mallu86 | 9

#5781612 - Friday 6 December 2013 20:43

# 37 you people.

By ComoEsJuan | 24

#5780466 - Friday 6 December 2013 1:30

Yule be sorry that you didn't grab it first!

Reply

JtPv | 14

#5780553 - Friday 6 December 2013 2:06

Punny pun not punny.

Reply

iknowiwantyou | 13

#5780848 - Friday 6 December 2013 6:49

what the fuck are you trying to say

Reply

PieReaper | 11

#5781775 - Saturday 7 December 2013 0:19

Yule be sorry you skipped english class

By SonyIsGod | 13

#5780469 - Friday 6 December 2013 1:30

'Tis the season!

By karlcolt45 | 19

#5780475 - Friday 6 December 2013 1:31

make a frankentree. use the best parts of both trees

By pikapikalove | 5

#5780488 - Friday 6 December 2013 1:33

Yule be fine, OP.

...No? Okay then.

By TheCrispyCat | 20

#5780492 - Friday 6 December 2013 1:34

People start being more and more assholes to other people from Black Friday on

Reply

AnOriginalName | 19

#5780575 - Friday 6 December 2013 2:18

I don't see how anyone was an asshole in this story. It sounds like the other driver left the second tree for OP to take home.

Reply

TheCrispyCat | 20

#5780746 - Friday 6 December 2013 5:04

I guess that's true. That guy was pretty nice!

By Rizzen | 27

#5780497 - Friday 6 December 2013 1:36

well the economy is though these days :/

By carelessxdanger | 9

#5780509 - Friday 6 December 2013 1:41

he's on the naughty list for sure!

By cakefete2 | 30

#5780513 - Friday 6 December 2013 1:41

Could have been worse OP. Glad you're ok.