Intimacy: Today, my teacher called me into his office so he that he could... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5

You deserved it 1

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 71

You deserved it 5

Spicy

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 191

You deserved it 48

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Spicy

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 110

You deserved it 980

28/04/2009 09:01

Spicy

Today, my teacher called me into his office so he that he could pass me some information for my project. Just as he plugged in my thumbdrive, he opened the folder named "School Work". That was the folder name I used to disguise my porn. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 147

You deserved it 109 994

Weird reason to leave, but OK

Sounds like a catch

Furry family

16/11/2009 07:32

Today, I went to pick my date up at her house. When I got to the door, her dad answered. We talked for a little bit and he told me to take his 1958 Corvette. I politely refused and he told me, "If I can trust you with my daughter, I can trust you with my car." I crashed into his mailbox. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 607

You deserved it 40 086

Mixing it up

By Kayleigh - 16/03/2021 21:59

Spicy

Today, I found out my boyfriend cheated on me with his dad's ex-girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 149

You deserved it 75

08/06/2014 03:22

Today, my boyfriend wanted to make breakfast. Since I usually do all the cooking, I said that was fine. Four hours later, my boyfriend and I were sitting on the sidewalk across the street as the firemen sprayed down the burnt remains of our kitchen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 712

You deserved it 7 416

28/02/2017 14:00

Today, my parents finally fulfilled my wish of a pet that I could take care of for a few years. They got a parrot. I guess 75 years or more is a few years to my parents. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 778

You deserved it 1 302

16/04/2011 22:56

Today, I had an all day volleyball tournament in a town an hour away. My dad left early, not realizing he was my ride home. I'm now stranded in the middle of a rural town with no way home anytime soon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 249

You deserved it 4 009

02/04/2014 11:30

Today, my students all handed in their 1,000 word papers. The assignment was for them to write about a strong, benevolent leader who influenced the world. Around half of the papers were about Hitler. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 090

You deserved it 10 544

04/04/2009 19:03

Today, I was fired because a patron complained that she didn't like the way I kept staring at her kids. I was a lifeguard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 92 337

You deserved it 4 484

21/06/2011 14:49

Today, my mother tried to have a conversation with me. While she was taking a piss. With the bathroom door wide open. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 901

You deserved it 4 855

So pissed

By soaked - 25/02/2013 19:16

Today, I was babysitting, and I had to pee really, really badly. I couldn't figure out how to get the stupid toilet lock off, and ended up pissing myself. As I stood in the bathroom in tears, their child screamed, "No, no, pee-pee in the POTTY!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 463

You deserved it 9 047

She moves quickly!

By Jbug - 31/05/2018 13:30

Today, my girlfriend found a teacher who taught her 10 years ago. He's a complete player, but she fell instantly and madly in love with him and kicked me to the curb. We dated for 3 years and lived together for two. I was fixing to propose in 2 weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 652

You deserved it 322

Never name-drop

By Kayla - 16/01/2021 11:02

Today, I had a job interview. I have another job I want to leave, but haven't said anything yet. At the interview, I mentioned where I worked, and the interviewer name-dropped my manager. She then told me he was her step brother. So much for not wanting my manager to know. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 231

You deserved it 164

14/08/2011 19:31

Today, while out shopping, I noticed a seedy bum kept following a girl around the store. Trying to be a good samaritan, I trailed them into the street. The bum jogged up behind her and looked like he was about to grab her, so I ran up and tackled him to the ground. Turns out he was her father. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 777

You deserved it 15 741

03/06/2009 04:55

Today, my mom told me I was worthless and could not do anything by myself. Determined to prove her wrong I attempted to install the AC that I had neglected to put in for the past month. While placing it on the window it fell through landing on her prized roses and breaking into pieces. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 536

You deserved it 16 404

12/08/2009 19:02

Today, I was doing target practice with my new paintball pistol. One of the bullets missed, and hit my new neighbor's house. I went up to the door to apologize, not realizing I was still holding the paintball gun. My ex-soldier neighbor thought I was robbing him and put me in a chokehold. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 790

You deserved it 41 569

24/04/2010 23:38

Spicy

Today, I discovered the same erotic pictures my wife emailed to me while I was deployed were emailed to several other guys by her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 978

You deserved it 3 102

Nice neighborhood

By Anonymous - 29/04/2020 14:00

Today, after my ex broke up with me, I threw out all the clothes he’d bought me before, which was basically my entire wardrobe. Anyway, this creepy guy who lives a few blocks away seems to be wearing my old clothes and waves my bras and panties at me. It’s gross and creepy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 643

You deserved it 1 177

18/04/2009 00:46

Today, I was taking my boyfriend to the mall. In the parking lot I pointed out an old man in a vibrant pink sweater who was leaving by saying "He is so gay." My boyfriend got out of the car and walked towards the man calling "Hey Papaw!" It was his grandfather. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 231

You deserved it 79 950

08/04/2014 16:07

Today, after months of being on anti-depression medication and feeling very little emotionally, I finally felt some joy. Sadly it was from completely crushing my husband in an argument he started, where he claimed ketchup is a vegetable. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 482

You deserved it 4 818

02/02/2009 00:11

Today, I was standing on a desk at work to run wiring in a suspended ceiling, since we have no ladder. My phone rang, I rushed to answer it, tripping and smashing my leg. It was my boss, calling to tell me he was bringing over a ladder. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 281

You deserved it 4 273

08/02/2012 05:17

Today, my boyfriend came over to my parents' house for dinner. My dad made Holocaust jokes the entire time. My boyfriend is Jewish. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 671

You deserved it 4 630

02/02/2016 10:17

Today, I was at the gym. I'm 360 lbs and have finally decided it's time to change that. Some girl and her two bitch friends thought it'd be fun to follow me and belittle me at everything I did. When I mentioned it to the staff, they said that they were just "encouraging" me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 045

You deserved it 2 256

07/03/2014 18:25

Today, I asked my grandmother what she looked like when she was young. She casually replied, "I was ugly, sweetie. Just like you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 240

You deserved it 4 456

09/08/2010 08:29

Today, I misspelled the word "failure" in front of all my co-workers. Now I'm not given any writing tasks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 787

You deserved it 32 552

28/08/2013 00:23

Today, it was the day of my wedding. I had a massive headache a couple of hours before the ceremony so I decided to take a nap. I told my brother to wake me up an hour before it started. He forgot. Now everyone thinks I ran out on my wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 515

You deserved it 7 332

25/07/2009 18:50

Spicy

Today, after 9 months in our relationship, my boyfriend and I lost our virginity to each other. We had incredible, mind-blowing sex. An hour later, he broke up with me because apparently "my orgasm face is ugly." FML

I agree, your life sucks 78 028

You deserved it 9 285

14/06/2017 20:00

Today, I was at my job where we buy precious metals. A man came in and said, "Here, I have something special for you." He then pulled a tooth out of his mouth that had dental gold on it and placed in it my bare hand. Yeah, special indeed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 893

You deserved it 295

29/08/2010 05:02

Today, I learned to never shave your downstairs when you have the hiccups. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 916

You deserved it 31 954

24/12/2009 06:02

Today, I learned that while anybody can call me a bitch, my husband got mad at his aunt for calling our dog a mutt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 678

You deserved it 3 723

19/10/2011 05:38

Today, at work, I misheard a customer telling me a story. To be polite, I did a slight laugh and nodded my head. She actually told me her mum had died. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 093

You deserved it 22 046

Time's up

By f u doc - 30/09/2020 17:01

Today, I had two different doctor's appointments with different specialists at the same hospital. Doctor #1 kept me waiting so long doctor #2 refused to see me. I tried to explain I was in the building and why I was late, but he wouldn’t hear it. I’d already waited 4 months for these appointments. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 477

You deserved it 91

23/07/2019 20:00

Today, at work, we ran out of receipt paper. Someone paid for $3 in gas and asked for a receipt. I explained that the company we order our paper from sent us toilet paper, not receipt paper. He got mad and said that he was never coming back. Twenty minutes later, he was back to get $3 more in gas, wanting a receipt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 725

You deserved it 117

16/12/2013 07:55

Spicy

Today, I realized how bad my depression has gotten when I caught myself fantasizing about suicide while having sex with my husband. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 800

You deserved it 7 388

06/06/2013 05:08

Today, I got a promotion and transfer at work. My first responsibility is to fire my soon to be father in-law. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 585

You deserved it 3 384

13/05/2019 12:00

Today, after a trip to the emergency room for severe stomach pain and almost passing out in the shower, I slipped on the wet bathroom floor and broke my two front teeth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 867

You deserved it 105

Dumbass idea

By Caeru - 21/06/2011 07:08

Today, my mother tried to tell me that nicotine is the only substance that ensures weight loss, and that nicotine has been passed down in our family for over 5 generations of heavy smoking relatives. Then she encouraged me to start smoking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 098

You deserved it 3 591

07/07/2017 08:30

Today, I taught a high school class on public speaking. When I explained how important it was for a presentation to be polished and professional, one kid asked, "Is it professional for your skirt to be tucked into your underwear? I didn't know they made My Little Pony panties for adults." FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 217

You deserved it 2 140

22/12/2013 21:28

Today, I went to a nativity play. My husband showed up late and drunk, and I had to explain to him why booming "Yeah! Time to get baby Jesus up in this shit!" when our son was about to go on stage got us kicked out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 271

You deserved it 4 371

19/11/2013 17:13

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend went down on me. I don't know why, but my mind wandered. He now thinks that he has the skills of a porn star, while I'm pretty sure that finally solving a mathematical problem I've been working on for a week caused me to orgasm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 953

You deserved it 9 000

24/04/2014 06:57

Today, on a train, I nearly choked while sleeping with my mouth wide open. The little old lady sitting opposite me was entertaining herself by throwing little pieces of balled-up tin foil into my mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 911

You deserved it 7 733

31/08/2013 12:14

Today, I got my period 2 days early, while being interviewed for my dream job. Let's just say that I don't have very high hopes after walking backwards to the exit door and falling down upon colliding with the wall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 060

You deserved it 4 105

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Top comments

Professor_Badass 0

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Tuesday 28 April 2009 20:07

If you labeled it porn, I bet he wouldn't of opened it. Just saying.

ZiggyMorrison 0

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Tuesday 28 April 2009 20:04

Genious on your part up until you let him open it thats a rather clever way of stashing the wank bank

Comments

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Tuesday 28 April 2009 20:03

YDI for having porn on a portable drive and giving it to your teacher, regardless what folder it is in.

ZiggyMorrison 0

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Tuesday 28 April 2009 20:04

Genious on your part up until you let him open it thats a rather clever way of stashing the wank bank

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Tuesday 12 July 2011 20:29

I wonder if they passed the class

TwitchingNebula 17

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Monday 18 July 2011 3:29

I wonder if this idiot knows how to spell genus correctly. Looks like that's a no.

writergirl23 19

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Friday 5 August 2011 22:59

Looks like you can't either.

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Tuesday 9 August 2011 0:56

Ahem, if I may interject? It's spelled Genius, you dimwit.

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Tuesday 18 October 2011 8:20

Wank bank? That made me LOL

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Friday 9 August 2013 13:41

Pssh. He could've just changed it's properties to a hidden file. Not that hard.

cole_tyler42 21

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Sunday 19 July 2015 17:46

kek

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Tuesday 28 April 2009 20:05

Why would you keep your porn on your thumb drive...? /facepalm

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Tuesday 2 March 2010 17:31

world of warcraft emote lol

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Thursday 11 March 2010 5:57

he should have labeled it some class he dosent even have then put several folders inside of folders to prevent accedents!

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Thursday 29 July 2010 6:12

because there's a bigger risk of it being found if it's on the comp. at least wif a thumb drive he can keep it wif him. op u shoulda hidden the file tho

juicybanana_fml 0

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Saturday 23 July 2011 10:54

lol

andrewcollins 8

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Friday 17 August 2012 19:33

Why wouldn't you? When something goes on your hardrive it is there permanent even of you "delete" it.

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Tuesday 28 April 2009 20:05

@#2: apparently it wasn't clever enough to fool a teacher

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Wednesday 14 March 2012 3:36

2 was being sarcastic

Me27 0

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Tuesday 28 April 2009 20:06

#3 it actually makes sense to me, since it means nothing is on a hard drive. But I'm thinking you need a label that means no one else would open it like that. Something obscure.

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Monday 3 March 2014 4:29

Like 'porn folder?'

trackrunner525 0

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Tuesday 28 April 2009 20:07

lmao, that was just idiotic on so many levels...even if you keep porn on your flash drive, why wouldn't you take it off before you went in to see the teacher

Professor_Badass 0

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Tuesday 28 April 2009 20:07

If you labeled it porn, I bet he wouldn't of opened it. Just saying.

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Monday 9 March 2015 6:53

If it was my teacher he would of opened it up anyways

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Tuesday 28 April 2009 20:08

@#2 - apparently the irony of your post isn't clear to everyone.

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Tuesday 28 April 2009 20:12

......even if you keep porn on your thumb drive (wtf) you deserve it for handing it to a teacher. lmao. "Today, I called one of my students to give him some information for his project. After he plugs in his thumbdrive, I open the folder named "School Work" to put the files in. It was full of porn. FML"

vespr 0

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Monday 23 August 2010 17:42

"gay porn" :)

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Tuesday 3 May 2011 22:05

lmfao

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Tuesday 28 April 2009 20:12

lol..that is why you give it a file name that nobody will ever open... like i dunno...Salt Water Fish? lol

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Tuesday 7 September 2010 13:50

But then they get curious.

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Thursday 28 June 2012 5:07

Now we know what to look for in your computer