Miscellaneous: Today, my friend asked me to order take out for him because he...

By phonebaby - United States - Stamford

Today, my friend asked me to order take out for him because he gets nervous on phones. I called a chinese restaurant, only to get nervous and hang up. FML

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Miscellaneous

Taking stock

Mr Sensitivity

Masterchef 2020

By Anonymous

Today, I accidentally walked in on my dad as he was getting changed. Now I know genetics can be a real bitch. With such a massive difference in size, I have to question whether I'm even biologically related to this old three-legged git. FML

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By Crazy cat lady - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, my roommate's noisiest cat passed away. My previously-silent cat has decided that someone has to fill the void, and has been running around the apartment howling ever since. FML

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30801

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By Emmpag - South Africa - Johannesburg

And then.....

Today, I bought my very first car that I spent years saving for. A few hours after I signed all the papers, I let my boyfriend go for a test drive. He totaled it. FML

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2207

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By fecurtis - United States

Today, I went to Target to buy some soap and this 65-70 year old woman next to me was asking a sales associate if they had any bubble bath mix. I suddenly pictured her naked, bathing herself and suddenly my dick just couldn't sit still. It's probably because I haven't had sex in over 22 months. FML

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32528

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By oink oink fuck off - United Kingdom - Doncaster

Today, my son got to my great grandfather's old stopwatch, which had been valued at a very high sum, and broke it by twisting the hands in reverse. He says he was trying to time travel. FML

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25852

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By bass - United States

Today, I got a call from a prominent orchestra asking me to play with them. They were especially interested because I'm still in high school. I called to accept only to find out that my mother had already declined the offer for me because I "only" have a 3.7. FML

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By zzz - Canada - Campbell River

Today, I was nicknamed "Sandman." Not after the bad-ass Spider Man villain but rather because my personality is so boring it puts people to sleep. FML

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By Nobody - United States

Today, my best friend was doing my hair. She got frustrated and exclaimed, "It won't stay!" I replied with, "Just like your mom!" It was then that I remembered her mom had just left her dad and moved out of the house to be with someone else. FML

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By CouldBeALoser - United States - West Tehama County

Today, I ordered flowers to be delivered to my workplace on Tuesday. To myself. For my birthday. Because even though birthdays are posted in the monthly newsletter, mine gets left out every year. For the past four years. FML

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By Ticketshame

Today, I got pulled over for talking on my phone while driving. I'd lost my phone the day before. He didn’t believe me. So, I got a ticket for talking on a phone I can’t even find. FML

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2051

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By Peepants - United States - Huntsville

Today, I really had to pee during one of my college lectures. I finally worked up the nerve to leave the room while he was lecturing, and ran frantically to the bathroom. Once in there, the urge intensified to the point I couldn't hold it. I peed my pants while standing in the bathroom. FML

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By Aly - United States

Today, my dad finally decided to give me the "sex talk." It was going fine until he said, "If you ever decide to have sex, picture my face like this" and pointed to his face, which had a creepy, intense stare. He just ruined sex for me. Forever. FML

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By FUCK YOU - United States

Today, I put on a porno, trying to unwind after a bad day. 10 minutes in, I was so pissed off with the girl constantly repeating "You like that? Yeah?" and the cameraman's obsession with the guy's asscrack that I started yelling at the screen. Now I'm more stressed than ever. FML

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By astalkerindeed - United States - Pasadena

Today, I found out that my cell phone bill was much higher than normal. After investigating, I realized that a text conversation I had with my stalker, telling him multiple times not to contact me anymore, was to an international cell phone. I have to pay to be stalked. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was cleaning my room and set my burnt out light bulb on my computer chair without any second thought. Later, I sat on the chair, the light bulb shattered and I got a huge gash on my butt. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Persia

Today, a woman who I have spoken to approximately twice in my life, asked me out. I turned her down in the most harmless way I could. Three hours later, I found my car keyed and my windshield wipers gone. FML

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24210

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2004

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By hot_mess88 - United States

Today, I got called to a biker bar to break up a fight between my parents. FML

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52998

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2569

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By necca - 15/4/2021 23:00

OCD FML

Today, during class, my teacher left a small mark on the whiteboard. When I pointed it out, she simply rolled her eyes and told me to, “let it go.” I have OCD and was completely unable to focus on the rest of the lesson because of the mark. FML

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740

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By ParkingGuy - United States

No free lunch

Today, while working as a parking booth attendant, I decided to be nice and give a woman free parking. I said, "Give me a high five and I'll give you free parking, since I already did the paperwork." She said, "I'd rather pay," with a really disgusted look. I also had to redo the paperwork. FML

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44475

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By Matthew

Today, during science, my friend thought it would be funny to pour corrosive acids into the reaction test I was making. I had to explain to my parents why I have no eyebrows, but the worst part is that I only got a D. FML

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3518

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By HotelClerk - United States

Today, somebody stopped by the front desk at the hotel I work at to report a vehicle had its headlights on. I wrote down the info, including the plate. Hours later, after my shift was over, I finally realized that it was MY vehicle. The battery was dead. FML

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8094

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By vistingherfamily - United States

Today, I met my girlfriend's family. Her mother wants us to stay in separate bedrooms, and I was happy to oblige since I'm staying at their house. But because there isn't an extra room, we have to stay together. Upon entering the house, her mom searched our bags for condoms and birth-control pills. FML

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36652

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By digressions - Canada

Today, I tore a muscle in my back. At the hospital, I was prescribed some pain medication. My husband got me settled at home, with everything I needed within reach, and left for work. As I picked up the bottle to take the first pill, I knocked it on the floor. It rolled under the couch. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I tried to put my friend's hand in lukewarm water while he was sleeping, to see if he'd pee himself. He woke up and punched me in the face. FML

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By locked out - United States - Marion

Today, I called a locksmith to unlock my car. He got it unlocked, but broke the handle so the door wouldn’t open. We had to break a window to get in. He still charged me his usual fee. FML

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3759

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By Anonymous - Argentina

Today, my boss showed me a two-page letter from a customer, complaining about me because I couldn't honor a coupon that expired in 2009. He agreed that I did the right thing by refusing it, but said it would be a black mark on my record anyway due to the complaint. FML

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31251

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By Ouch - Canada

Today, I went outside to smoke a cigarette. I had my headphones in and was blasting my music. It was also cold so I had my hood up. I had my back turned to the house and wasn't paying attention. My brother thought I was a burglar and tackled me to the concrete. FML

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20844

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By JubileeBee - United States

Today, I found out that my seemingly innocent 80-something neighbor has been stalking every girl in the neighborhood, and considers me his girlfriend. FML

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32270

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By Anonymous - 27/12/2020 01:01 - United States - Saint Joseph

Stranded

Today, my husband found out that not only has he tested positive for influenza A, but also has tested positive for Covid 19. My work won't let me return until I have isolated for 14 days from someone with Covid. Our house is really small. FML

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774

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110

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By BarBacked - United States

Today, I went to the doctor to inquire about the nasty rash on my arms. He concluded that I'm allergic to beer and the rash will go away if I stay away from it. I'm a bartender. FML

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54495

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By Keaton - United States

Today, I got a bird as a pet. I thought it would be funny to put it on my head and take a picture. When the flash went off the bird flew off my head and pooped at the same time. You could see it in the picture. FML

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13338

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Manchester

Today, I was playing Draw Something with my girlfriend, when I decided to start a game with some other people. She immediately accused me of "cheating" on her, and still refuses to talk to me. FML

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40086

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By Mike Messenger - United States - West Palm Beach

Today, I moved into a new house, I couldn't help but notice a car alarm going off, so I investigated my neighbors. Turns out it's their bird. It imitates chainsaws, car alarms, and much more. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47578

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By Bailyboo - United States

Today, I admitted my fear of small spaces to my boyfriend. His response was to immediately lock me in the hall closet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31078

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4747

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By Anonymous - United States - Sterling

Today, my 12 and 14 year olds told me they'll be doing whatever they like from now on and there will be no rules or bedtime, otherwise they'll tell their teachers that my husband and I abuse them. Where did I go wrong? FML

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24410

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By iamnotuseless

Today, I went to my local pharmacy. Walking in, the security guard rudely asked me what I was going to buy. I brushed him off and walked in. I was paying and told the cashier what happened. She said "Sorry, we get a lot of hobos, they tend to steal." FML

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30797

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By Tiana - 30/5/2021 22:01

How the…?

Today, I helped my best friend step out of the friendzone. As a result, I don't have a boyfriend anymore. FML

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876

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By Username - United States

Today, as I was using the public restroom in the mall, someone decided to slam the stall door next to mine. This resulted in my stall door opening while I was still on the toilet. The door was too far for me to reach. FML

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47897

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By FranchezDeVista - Canada - Toronto

Today, I was talking to my mom about my issues with my girlfriend. While she was sympathizing, she slowly picked up my wallet, took $100 and left. FML

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25016

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By Joel

Today, I got a ticket for doing 38mph in a 45mph zone. Apparently you can be cited for "impeding traffic" even when you're the only car on the road. FML

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2861

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Top comments

By stryder9090 | 28

#6121775 - Tuesday 18 November 2014 11:18

You guys are never gonna get anything done

By Striker_Jr | 16

#6121776 - Tuesday 18 November 2014 11:18

Looks like he mind-fucked you, subconsciously.

COMMENTS

By stryder9090 | 28

#6121775 - Tuesday 18 November 2014 11:18

You guys are never gonna get anything done

T_Young96 | 13

#6122834 - Wednesday 19 November 2014 15:22

Birds of a feather flock together.. Or should we say frantically flap and squeak with EXTREME social anxiety! Sorry OP

gatorclay97 | 28

#6123369 - Thursday 20 November 2014 4:58

#socialanxiety

By Striker_Jr | 16

#6121776 - Tuesday 18 November 2014 11:18

Looks like he mind-fucked you, subconsciously.

By Arestian | 14

#6121779 - Tuesday 18 November 2014 11:21

well thats why u tell ur friend to do it..... oh wait....

MrLonelies | 3

#6122612 - Wednesday 19 November 2014 5:45

That's why you tell your grammar to fix it. Oh wait...

By itwontvalidate | 18

#6121781 - Tuesday 18 November 2014 11:22

it's the thought that counts

By Meowdisen | 15

#6121782 - Tuesday 18 November 2014 11:22

This is why I only order from places that have online ordering available.

MisterGone | 1

#6121839 - Tuesday 18 November 2014 13:05

Me too!

By muis545 | 21

#6121783 - Tuesday 18 November 2014 11:23

You guys have so much in common!

cakefete2 | 30

#6121832 - Tuesday 18 November 2014 13:01

Yea, maybe they should talk about it... Oh, wait....

By somewizdom | 15

#6121785 - Tuesday 18 November 2014 11:24

Yeah "talking" on the phone is an acquired skill. You can always avoid this by placing your order online.

By coming back in the future | 30

#6121791 - Tuesday 18 November 2014 11:48

What phonys, both of you. (Ill lead myself out)

MisterEx | 28

#6121809 - Tuesday 18 November 2014 12:09

No please. Let me assist you.

By christina3466 | 17

#6121793 - Tuesday 18 November 2014 11:49

I do the same thing, especially when I can't understand what they say. I feel bad for not understanding..

vipirius | 18

#6121805 - Tuesday 18 November 2014 12:06

The awkward moment when you ask someone to repeat themselves 3 times already but you still don't understand what they said so you just laugh and say yeah...

skyttlz | 32

#6122388 - Wednesday 19 November 2014 0:49

I work at a place that does take-out and deliveries (pizza place). I absolutely hate the phones. I often can't understand them, or they can't understand me, or there's background noise, or they'll call and then ask whoever they're with what they want.

By Hondaman747 | 12

#6121794 - Tuesday 18 November 2014 11:49

That is when you order online.