Intimate moments: Waste moment

Waste moment

By Anonymous - 10/02/2020 20:00

Today, I went out drinking with my friends and my boyfriend met me there. We decided then to come home and planned an intimate moment. I got on top of him and went to kiss his neck. Next thing I know, I fell asleep right before we started. FML

I agree, your life sucks 956

You deserved it 1 221

Intimate moments

Own it

But there's panic on the streets of Carlisle

Burning rubber

Feeling faint

By jacey - 12/06/2021 02:01

Today, I discovered that my body will go straight to “weak and lightheaded” before it even considers “hungry.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 769

You deserved it 66

By MY CAR - 15/11/2011 04:51 - United States

Today, an asshat in a Foghorn Leghorn t-shirt let his piece-of-crap mongrel dog do some sort of rain dance on the roof of my car, scratching the paintwork. He was a huge guy, so my backbone left town and I just smiled as if it was cute. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 844

You deserved it 11 096

By Miriden - 19/07/2011 14:41 - United States

Today, I got a call from a creditor asking for a Sarah. I told them that I'm not Sarah, nor do I know one. They then asked if she was my wife. Annoyed, I said, "Alright, when did I get a wife? I don't even remember having a girlfriend." They sniggered and hung up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 463

You deserved it 7 475

By arachnidphobia - 03/01/2010 03:22 - United States

Today, I was fined because my son pushed the alarm button in the elevator. Why? There was a spider in there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 703

You deserved it 3 455

By still learning - 26/02/2012 17:42 - Canada

Today, I cut myself while shaving my globes. My girlfriend now refuses to stop teasing me about being "fisted by Edward Scissorhands." FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 964

You deserved it 7 918

By Anonymous - 25/10/2015 02:33 - United States - North Little Rock

Today, my brother's recent creepy behavior suddenly made sense when I found "How to seduce your sister?" in his browser search history. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 504

You deserved it 2 043

By terrified - 08/06/2015 03:13 - United States - Union Star

Today, the amount of spiders in my house has gotten so bad that it's become routine to shake out any blankets or towels before using them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 178

You deserved it 3 626

Medicare for all

By Chad - 06/09/2020 13:59 - United States - Norfolk

Today, I had to have emergency work done on my teeth after I seized in the shower and smashed my face into the tub. Apparently, the dental insurance I'd been paying for but had never used ended its coverage 4 days ago, because my job was no longer working with them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 524

You deserved it 77

By Anonymous - 16/07/2009 00:17 - United States

Today, I took my road test. I'd never had driver's training and my mom taught me how to drive. I failed the test so badly, and when I got home my mom admitted to having taught me how to drive completely wrong because she didn't want me to get my license as she thinks I'm too young. I'm 18. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 788

You deserved it 4 533

By unrequited - 18/05/2011 02:36 - United States

Today, I drove the width of the country to tell the girl I've lost that I'm in love with her. She wasn't home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 485

You deserved it 13 194

By illjustlimpthen - 25/10/2012 02:44 - United States - Waukesha

Today, despite my pain, my mom still refuses to take me to a foot doctor because, "They all have foot fetishes." FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 438

You deserved it 1 653

By Anonymous - 11/06/2013 15:20 - United States - Seattle

Today, I was meeting my boyfriend's family for the first time. The minute I stepped in the door his mother hit me in the face and kicked me out because I was "the slut her husband cheated on her with." My older sister and I look much alike. Too much alike. FML

I agree, your life sucks 68 698

You deserved it 4 656

By stutterernotschizophrenic - 15/11/2010 03:43

Today, I was alone in my dorm room rehearsing comments to make in my writing class tomorrow. I grew up with a severe stutter, and rehearsing like this is one of the ways I keep my speech under control. What I didn't plan on was my roommate walking in. I think she now thinks I'm schizophrenic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 720

You deserved it 2 968

By kawaiixalice - 28/12/2009 15:14 - United States

Today, I needed to job shadow someone for my winter break career project. Not finding someone to take me along to their job, my mom suggested shadowing my dad. Not wanting to hurt his feelings, I went with him. All day I sat and helped him test human poop samples for parasites. Some was diarrhea. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 891

You deserved it 4 079

By vividrabbit - 12/07/2009 13:29 - United States

Today, I went on a first date with a guy I really hit it off with. Then he admitted that he was a recovering heroin addict and had to cut our date short to go to the methadone clinic. When I got home, I realized that my wallet was missing $40. I think he lied about the "recovering" part. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 814

You deserved it 4 976

By PeedMom - 16/03/2018 09:00 - United States - Cedar Bluff

Today, I had to pee really badly. I rushed to the bathroom, pulled down my pants, and sat on the toilet. After a few seconds of peeing, I realized I had only pulled down my pants. Not my underpants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 949

You deserved it 1 791

Great first day

By TordNorski - 03/10/2015 02:44 - United States - Rancho Santa Margarita

Today, I started a new job at a family owned business. About ten minutes into training, the mother and father started an argument that ended in each of them storming off, demanding a divorce. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 757

You deserved it 1 408

By Anonymous - 16/09/2010 06:04 - United States

Today, it was the first day of astronomy class and we all waited for the professor to enter the classroom. All of a sudden, someone turns the lights off, it's pitch black, and we hear the professor saying, "Greetings earthlings..." It's going to be a long semester. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 977

You deserved it 19 704

Not now!

By Anonymous - 20/09/2009 05:01 - United States

Today, I was in a department store with my three year old daughter to buy some new jeans. I took her into the dressing room with me and as I began to take off my pants she yells, "Mommy, you can't go peepee in here!!" I am no longer welcome in that particular store. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 306

You deserved it 3 819

By thyella87 - 21/08/2010 19:20 - United States

Today, my hours got cut because I couldn't make it into work when they called me in. Why couldn't I make it in? I was in an interview for a better job. I didn't get the job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 681

You deserved it 18 014

By Crunchy - 19/04/2009 21:52 - United States

Today, I had a job interview. Everything was going really well until I noticed a bug on my interviewer's lower neck. I shouted that something really disgusting was crawling on him. It turns out it was his big hairy mole. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 413

You deserved it 61 179

Busted

By Anonymous - 01/09/2013 05:06 - United States - El Paso

Today, I, for some reason, was talking to my mom about money. I jokingly said that the reason we're short on cash is because of her internet porn addiction. She replied, with a straight face, "How did you know?" I'm still not sure if she's joking or not. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 560

You deserved it 5 747

By Anonymous - 05/05/2013 19:35 - United States - Bellevue

Today, my girlfriend and I were at the river. She threw mud on me, so I playfully threw some on her, and we got into a mud fight. Apparently, she took the "fight" seriously, because I'm now single. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 840

You deserved it 6 003

By Parent - 08/04/2018 23:00 - United States - Elkhart

Today, being a divorced dad, I had a very important job opportunity for which I would be gone overnight. When I returned, I found my son locked in his room while the babysitter was having sex with a man in my bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 716

You deserved it 392

By supervisor - 06/11/2009 03:43 - United States

Today, at work I wrote up my boyfriend (whom I've been secretly dating, because I'm his supervisor) for being $40 short on his register. Our policy is to write up anyone short over $10. He got mad and told my boss we're dating, and I was instantly fired. Then I got dumped for being a "tattle-tale". FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 815

You deserved it 18 157

By Anonymous - 23/03/2009 05:42 - Canada

Today, at the gym, I saw this really pretty girl. Trying to impress her, I started lifting with heavy weights. One of the weights slipped out of my hand. I then dropped the other one, trying to make it seem like it was on purpose. I dropped the weight on my phone. I squealed. She giggled. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 656

You deserved it 87 330

By "Jam2019" - 15/02/2019 14:00

Today, despite using the bathroom before I left my house, then at the bus station 10 minutes later, I still had to get off my bus halfway into my hour long journey to pee in a back alley or I would have wet myself. I'm 24 and this has happened twice in the last week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 093

You deserved it 228

Frustration level: 2000

By Anonymous - 12/08/2020 05:01

Today, I have an incredibly high sex drive. My boyfriend doesn't. He made me throw away my, rarely used, sex toys because he's jealous of them. I wouldn't need them if we had sex more. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 939

You deserved it 329

By DanTheMan - 21/10/2014 02:29

Today, my sister ended her long and extremely annoying crush on Justin Bieber. I can only hope one day my girlfriend will end hers too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 078

You deserved it 4 127

By fmyhabit - 15/04/2011 05:34 - United States

Today, I accidentally pocket dialed my sister while I was masturbating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 815

You deserved it 57 282

By Anonymous - 12/03/2019 20:00

Today, my friend was complaining about how she did not like Mexican food. Confused, I asked her whether she had even had Mexican food, to which she replied, “Yeah, I mean I’ve had Taco Bell.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 068

You deserved it 236

By Karmaisabitch - 18/05/2012 06:07 - United States - Boulder

Today, I wanted to prank my roommate. So, I thought it would be funny to take all the toilet paper out of our bathroom. She thought it would be funny to wipe with my cashmere sweater. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 249

You deserved it 53 145

By Jeanine - 29/05/2009 01:32 - United States

Today, I returned to my apartment to find everything reduced to ashes, hidden in black clouds of smoke. Turns out there was a blackout, and my fiancé lit a candle on top of a stack of all our wedding papers. When he smelled the smoke, he got hungry for a taco and left instead of calling 911. FML

I agree, your life sucks 68 662

You deserved it 5 686

Cheaply romantic

By Anonymous - 26/06/2021 16:00

Today, I walked into a dollar store as my boyfriend's girlfriend. I came out as his fiancé. FML

I agree, your life sucks 658

You deserved it 431

By Anonymous - 08/12/2016 09:35

Today, it's been so long since my fiancé and I have had sex I now apparently have dreams about all-night unprotected screwing marathons with George Bush. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 195

You deserved it 1 412

By dumbass - 01/10/2009 20:07 - United States

Today, my girlfriend told me she lost her phone and not to call or text her. After about three hours, I text her phone, asking if she found it yet. I got a reply, saying "Nope." FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 686

You deserved it 5 846

By Anonymous - 02/10/2015 10:22 - Australia

Today, my little sister thought it would be funny to send my girlfriend a text saying I cheated on her and wanted to break up. Her response was "lol whatever I've been fucking Steve for like a month anyway". Steve is my brother, and he won't admit or deny it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 646

You deserved it 2 123

By Anonymous - 25/10/2012 20:13 - United States

Today, I was fired for actively seeking employment with another company. Because of having just been fired, the other company will no longer give me the time of day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 096

You deserved it 4 562

By wtf - 10/01/2014 16:47 - United States - Delmar

Today, my grandpa took my face in both hands, kissed me on the lips, said "Now you can tell all your friends you've had your first kiss," and walked out of the room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 930

You deserved it 4 961

By busted - 02/08/2012 06:53 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I got caught shoplifting a toothbrush. I'm flat broke and my roommate used my old one to scrub out her cat's puke stains off the carpet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 265

You deserved it 18 616

Add a comment - Reply to : #

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

ojosRojos 28

Send a private message

Monday 10 February 2020 20:18

That’s not that bad. I feel like this happens to a lot of people at some point. It’d be way worse if you puked on him

rotflqtms_ 21

Send a private message

Monday 10 February 2020 20:18

Damn, that sucks. I've had times where my allergies were so bad I had to take a benadryl and literally fell asleep standing up Haha. Happens. I'm sure he'll understand and you can do it later. If you're tired, you're tired.

Comments

rotflqtms_ 21

Send a private message

Monday 10 February 2020 20:18

ojosRojos 28

Send a private message

Monday 10 February 2020 20:18

That’s not that bad. I feel like this happens to a lot of people at some point. It’d be way worse if you puked on him

wyntonmon2012 2

Send a private message

Tuesday 11 February 2020 1:46

Happens to me and I’m 25

J15237 25

Send a private message

Monday 10 February 2020 21:06

Its okay. Just make it up to him next time. Things happen.

ahabsfan 14

Send a private message

Monday 10 February 2020 23:49

Does that mean consent was revoked when you fell asleep or was he free to continue?

Seeya55 31

Send a private message

Tuesday 11 February 2020 0:39

Don't know if it's a joke or not but just in case... Unless there has been prior conversations pertaining to giving the go-ahead to do it while sleeping/unconscious (more-so agreed upon within a kink/marriage/long-term/other terms relationship) consent is gone if a party cannot reply with a right state-of-mind to continue or stop.