Love: Today, I asked a girl out and made plans to go see a movie. About...

By Ryan746 - United States

Today, I asked a girl out and made plans to go see a movie. About 5 minutes in, I made a move to put my arm around her and smashed her in the face. FML

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Love

Walk on the wild side

Poisoned chalice

Fancy a pint?

By faye - United States

Today, I got my license renewed and the woman behind the desk looked at me and said "guess we need to update the weight, huh?". FML

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By stutterernotschizophrenic

Today, I was alone in my dorm room rehearsing comments to make in my writing class tomorrow. I grew up with a severe stutter, and rehearsing like this is one of the ways I keep my speech under control. What I didn't plan on was my roommate walking in. I think she now thinks I'm schizophrenic. FML

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By KamiyaHaine - Singapore - Singapore

Today, I got married. The officiant of the ceremony referred to me as Amanda through my ceremony. My name is Anna. FML

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By HkxAliso0302 - 3/3/2020 22:00 - China - Beijing

News from China

Today, I've been trapped at home for almost two months because of the epidemic. Now I'm thrilled just to get to go outside to throw garbage away, as if I'm going on a trip. FML

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By raz - United States - Fargo

Today, a woman stopped me and started chewing me out for wearing a pentagram necklace. I explained to her that is wasn't a pentagram, it was a Star of David. She continued chewing me out because apparently that still means I hate Jesus. FML

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By not what she said - 1/6/2020 20:00

Misheard

Today, I was on a Zoom call. My sister offered to go get lunch and I told her, "Don’t forget the baguettes." One overly sensitive coworker swears I used a derogatory slur that sounds the same. I didn’t. However, I’m still going to be investigated by my boss. FML

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By sober - United States

Today, I got a text message. It said, "I'm so drunk. What you up to, girl?" It was my dad. FML

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By Randy Candy - 12/2/2021 17:01 - United States

Poor pillow

Today, I was having a fantastic sex dream. So good, in fact, that I woke myself up breathing heavily and humping my pillow. I was at my friend's house and she saw everything. FML

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By full bladder - United States - Valrico

Today, I found out my anti-depressants are super-effective. So effective, they affect things they aren't even supposed to. Like my ability to pee. FML

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By Anonymous - Botswana - Francistown

Today, after more than a year of being single, I finally had sex. Unfortunately, it was only in a dream, and after we finished, he told me that I'm terrible in bed. Even my dream-lover is a dick. FML

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By E_G_G_S_O_U_P

Today whilst riding my brand new dirt bike for the first time, the chain broke and slashed me down the back of the left leg with such force that it chipped the bone. FML

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Today, my husband told me that, to feel less unreliable, he was just going to stop saying he was going to do anything around the house. That way, when he actually did something (i.e. wash dishes), I could be pleasantly surprised. FML

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By K3you - United States

Today, my fiancé broke off our engagement after he saw one of my baby pictures. He said our future kids just wouldn't look right. FML

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By anon - United States - Kennett

Today, I woke up and put my contacts in. It appears that I got drunk enough last night that instead of soaking my contacts in contact solution, I used mouthwash. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after taking my girlfriend on a date, she invited me back to her place for "hot coffee and dessert". Excitedly, I said yes. When we got there, we actually had coffee and dessert. When I told her this wasn't what I'd had in mind, she kicked me out for being a pervert. FML

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By BYUwildchild - United States

Today, I realized that the fish-shaped birth mark on the back of my leg, that I have had all my life, is not really shaped like a fish as I had originally thought. It looks just like a penis. FML

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32836

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By deathparty352

Unpleasant, but clean

Today, I'd had enough of the excrement sticking in my butt hair. Now that I'm shaved, I feel my buttocks rubbing together. With every step. FML

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By Entity303 - 14/11/2020 21:32 - India

Damp, dark night

Today, I'm staying in a hotel. The power went out while I was having a shower. So I waited for it to come back on, until an announcement came over the fire alarm, "Due to generating failure, the power will be off for the rest of the night. Sorry for any inconvenience this may have caused, and have a good night." FML

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By thankskimi - United States

Today, my first girlfriend of over 3 years left me for another guy. She said she's looking for someone who can financially provide for her in the future. The dude owns a T-Mobile kiosk. I'm going to medical school. FML

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By lynn777 - Canada

Today, I was walking home through the slush and snow when a car drove by, soaking me with dirty water. Frustrated, I flipped him off. He then turned around and splashed me again. FML

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By poro123 - United Kingdom

Today, my grandmother said to me, "You look just like your mother did at your age. Except you're fatter of course." FML

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By why?? - United States - Englewood

Today, I went hiking with my family. A local had told us about the trail, saying the two mile walk would lead us to a seventy-foot waterfall. After seven miles of trekking in the sweltering sun with no food, we finally found the waterfall. It was barely ten feet tall. FML

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By yblamemebiatch - Australia - Sydney

Today, I found out a colleague spread lies about me because she somehow thinks I'm to blame for the hot guy at work not wanting to date her. Perhaps she should blame his fiancé. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my coworker came over to my desk and told me that I should protect my Twitter updates, because I had unknowingly made them public. My tweets include drinking stories, all the men I've hooked up with, various cuss words, sexual innuendos, and how much I hate my coworkers. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/6/2020 05:00

Trigger happy

Today, I was shot and arrested for trespassing. I'm a firefighter and I was saving a child. FML

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By cole - United States

Today, I got approached by a hot young lady in a bar. After joking around for a few minutes she said "hey I love your jacket, where'd you get that?". I then told her that it's actually a replica of the Indiana Jones jacket. This is when she remembered that she "had to go somewhere". FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, was parent appreciation day at my daughter's KG class. On the stage, each child was asked to define each parent in one word. When it was my daughter's turn, she looked at me hard, thinking. Finally, in the end she said, "My daddy is very fat." Everybody stared. FML

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By worriedman - United States - Chicago

Today, my girlfriend told me that once you love somebody you can never truly fall "out of love" with them. She wasn't talking about me, she was talking about her ex. FML

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By weirdome23 - United States

Today, my "friend" told me I was weird and irritating. Yet she has an unhealthy obsession with Harry Potter, hates people in general, and has a Facebook for her cat. Yeah, I'm the weird one. FML

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By Katrina - United States

Today, I was busily having fun with my girlfriend, when suddenly the bedroom door opened and a man walked in, picked me up, and threw me outside the apartment. I was naked and didn't even know she was into men, much less had a husband. FML

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By Water Daughter - United States

Today, I figured out my 1-year-old daughter likes to dip her hand in our dogs' water bowl, and rub the water on her face. So I put the water bowl out of reach. She then figured out how to open the bathroom door and use the toilet instead. FML

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By chellegbelle - United States - Graham

Today, I found out my neighbor collects body-bags. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I went on a blind date at a local restaurant. When my date walked in, she took one look at me, said "nope", and walked out. FML

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By Anna L. - United States - San Antonio

Today, it was raining heavily so I wore my black poncho as I walked to work. On the way there I noticed an old and seemingly homeless man following me. I turned around to confront him. He picked up a stick and screamed "Expecto Patronum!" Apparently I look like a dementor. FML

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By anonymas - Norway

Today, I found out my dad bought an iPhone. I've spent the better part of the last six months teaching him how to check his email and online newspapers. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Melbourne

Session done!

Today, I thought it would be fun to have a sex session with my boyfriend. I sent him a suggestive message, and 30 minutes later he texted me back to let me know he was done. FML

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2170

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while my girlfriend and I were getting it on, she suddenly stopped and yelled "STOP!". I stopped, scared I'd hurt her. She then yelled "HAMMER TIME!" and started to dance. We never finished. FML

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By My rapey cat (doesn't even have balls)

Today, my 20-year-old sister is taking care of my cat while I am out of state. She sent a photo of him "playing in a silly way" with her kitty. I then had to very seriously explain to her that in the photo, my cat and her cat were trying to make more cats. FML

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By ywouldudomelikethat - United States - Renton

Today, I found out my ex started a Tumblr where she posts one photo a day. Each photo being a pic I texted her over the course of our relationship. My office, the bars I like to go to, favorite restaurants, my mom's place, my place, my penis, etc. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Youngsville

Today, after two weeks of intense detective work, I found out my wife isn't cheating on me after all. She really has just been going out and playing table tennis with her friend like she said. Who the hell even plays table tennis? FML

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Top comments

By redbluegreen | 40

#285619 - Tuesday 9 June 2009 12:22

YDI - You wait more then five minutes to pull this move.

By theannoyingone | 0

#285673 - Tuesday 9 June 2009 13:04

smashed her in the face? how is that possible? i always thought you move you arm slowly...

COMMENTS

By RaphX | 0

#285589 - Tuesday 9 June 2009 12:05

How careless...did she still make out with you?

icantmakeupmymin | 0

#1559305 - Sunday 17 October 2010 4:35

ddude my first date I put my arm around succesfully my god r u a mental?!?!?!

GEBEH | 14

#5630305 - Friday 16 August 2013 15:33

Playaah Plaaaayah!

By AndreaKina | 0

#285595 - Tuesday 9 June 2009 12:08

YDI thats super cheesy im glad u failed :)

By Kissusexy1010 | 0

#285600 - Tuesday 9 June 2009 12:11

Lmao sh•T happens

By the_boss_fml | 0

#285602 - Tuesday 9 June 2009 12:11

hahaha. tell her you will do it again if she doesnt put out ;)

By padlarf | 14

#285607 - Tuesday 9 June 2009 12:14

Are you a spastic?

By youaresofucked | 0

#285614 - Tuesday 9 June 2009 12:17

..........oh

By earwig12 | 1

#285615 - Tuesday 9 June 2009 12:20

I've done that to my girlfriend a lot.

lilpsyco | 16

#5257817 - Tuesday 18 December 2012 13:17

How do u do that a lot unless you try too.

By redbluegreen | 40

#285619 - Tuesday 9 June 2009 12:22

YDI - You wait more then five minutes to pull this move.

By xsw33tyx101 | 0

#285624 - Tuesday 9 June 2009 12:26

smoooooooooooooooooooooooooth

By SluttyMcNugget | 0

#285625 - Tuesday 9 June 2009 12:27

How unoriginal....