Miscellaneous: Today, I tried to stop a drunk girl from driving home. She took... - FML

By Pelota - United States

Today, I tried to stop a drunk girl from driving home. She took a couple swings at me, which I dodged. Feeling pretty good about it, I tried to get the keys from her hand. She leaned over, and sunk her teeth in to my bare shoulder. The doctor says I will have a scar. FML

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Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

Clocked

Trans women are women

By Anonymous - United States - Irving

Today, my mother in law accidentally cc'd me on an email she was sending to my husband, telling him that his youth is fleeting and that he should leave me while he still has time. FML

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By Regina - United States

Today, I got a job selling knives. I had training for 11 hours. At the end of the training session, the instructor promptly informed everyone that they had to pay $145 for a set of demo knives. I paid the $145. I went home and learned that it was a scam. I went back for a refund. They said no. FML

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By sex sent me to the Er

Life imitates bad art

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex. Feeling goofy, I thought it’d be funny to try to reenact that horrible sex scene from the movie Showgirls. I threw my body back, but completely lost my balance and smashed my head on the headboard. I ended up with a bad concussion and a huge hospital bill. FML

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By mommycooks - this FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States

Interference

Today, my family came over for Thanksgiving. We were supposed to have had dinner hours ago, but my mom kept sneaking into the kitchen and dialing down the temperature on the oven, claiming I was going to overcook everything. At this rate, we'll be lucky to have eaten by midnight. FML

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By lyss - United States - New Prague

Today, my 4-year-old daughter asked me when I was going to be skinny like her daycare lady. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend bought this hot pink Chanel nail polish. Bored, she thought it would be funny to paint my nails. I finally gave in and let her paint my toe nails. After she left, my buddy calls to to see if I can give him a ride. I forgot I had a swim meet today. FML

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By look in the mirror bitch - 10/11/2020 14:04

Mind your own beeswax, Amanda

Today, I called someone out for her brazen homophobia. She was ranting about how gays are sinners. When I mentioned that she had three children by three different men, all out of wedlock, and was currently living with her boyfriend, also considered a sin, she reported me to HR for harassment. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Westerville

Today, I need a new mattress. Last night, I slept on the floor. It was the best sleep I've had in a while. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Stamford

Today, I was checking my phone while using the toilet. In a distressing moment of my brain mixing up the signals to my hands, I dropped my phone into the bowl and pressed my thumb into the shitty paper to turn it off. FML

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By PuppyLove2009 - United States

Today, I came home after a two week vacation to find that my wonderful dog had pooped and peed all over my room. My mother was kind enough to dog-sit; however, instead of helping me by cleaning up the horrid mess, she just left me coupons for Glade plug-in air fresheners. FML

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By fmldailyyy - Ireland

Today, my husband told me he had been cheating on me for the past 8 months. Twenty minutes later, he asked me what was for dinner. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Swindon

Today, I was at the supermarket when an elderly lady asked if I'd grab some coffee for her from a high shelf. The moment I took my hands off my almost-full shopping cart, she made off with it. I ended up getting thrown out by security after she claimed I was trying to steal it from her. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I was emptying the cutlery section of the dishwasher when I reached down and accidentally got the tip of a steak knife wedged half-way under my fingernail. My mum yelled at me for getting blood on the clean dishes. FML

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By - United States - Arcade

Today, I woke up with a horrible UTI after having sex with my fiance the night before. I went to an urgent care to get antibiotics as my primary is closed. Turns out, I'm allergic to condom lubricant. Now everytime I pee, It not only burns, but smells like a nasty condom... FML

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By BloodyNoseMcgee

Today, I dropped some glass at my job while putting it on the shelf. A shard bounced off the floor and went up my nose. FML

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By newlydumped - United States

Today, I went to my girlfriend's house for the first time. I had to use the restroom, and when I came back, I mocked her brothers' lame Pokémon shower curtain and Ninja Turtle towels. Turns out they were hers. FML

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By caughtontape - United States

Today, my school handed out the new yearbook. I was so excited to be on the cover page in a group shot with all my friends until I realized that I was having a boner at the time the pic was taken. These books go out to the whole school. Everyone noticed. FML

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By ConfusedCollegeKid - United States - Normal

Today, my theatre studies professor played a soundscape, then had us write what we thought the meaning was. I thought it was a simulation of what schizophrenia was like. Turns out the teacher bet her friend she could convince us that a bunch of people speaking gibberish meant something. FML

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By Unknown - France

Today, I have blue lips because of a guy whose face I don't even remember didn't know the difference between kissing and sucking. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/2/2021 05:01

Metal Cat

Today, my cat jumped on my chest while I was sleeping and head-butted my nose to show she loves me. It was hard enough to crack it. FML

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By Clumsy & Forgetful - Canada

Today, I found out why I'm always let off easy when I do something wrong at work. They think I have a mental handicap. I don't. I'm just clumsy and forgetful. FML

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By The captain - Canada

Today, I found out what it's like to get brain-freeze while recovering from a head injury. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, after a broken smoke detector in my home caused the fire department to come, I got an angry visit from my neighbor who was upset because she had parked in front of a fire hydrant and got a ticket. She demands that I pay it, "or else." FML

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By charma - United States

Today, my daughter was telling everyone at her elementry school about my gay partner. Yes, I have a gay partner. He is my work partner and he happens to be gay. FML

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By KingSnow03

Stay away from us!

Today, because I have a coughed a total of 2 times in a row, I'm now banned from seeing any of my family until I get tested for coronavirus. The earliest available appointment is May 3rd. Looks like quarantine is going to be a lot worse than I thought. FML

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By Victor - United States

Today, I fell asleep in my last period class. When I woke up my teacher said "you missed your bus". I grabbed all my stuff and ran out the room. My class mates were standing outside the class laughing. We still had an hour left in class. FML

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By Nearly Crashed - United States - Lake Hiawatha

Today, on my way home on my motorbike from a great party in the early hours of the morning, I was feeling pretty good about myself. Riding over a hill, I yawned in anticipation of climbing into bed. A huge winged bastard insect thing then flew straight into my throat. FML

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By noantiquesforme - United States - Santa Clara

Today, an old man walked up to me, said, "Hey missy, you wanna see an antique?" and winked. FML

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By toryzhere - Canada

Today, I had a job interview. I have major OCD, and I had to sit in a room with a man covered in cat hair, struggling to even survive for an hour and a half. FML

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By zzzzzz - 30/1/2021 07:59

Wakey wakey

Today, my boyfriend had an appointment he had to wait months for, after he finally agreed to try to figure out what's making him so tired all the time. He slept through it. FML

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By Partners - United States - Alpharetta

Today, my boyfriend introduced me to his friends as his "sex partner." FML

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By jdch_99 - Canada - Kitchener

Today, I'm at home, sick with walking pneumonia and a raging UTI. Every time I cough, I piss myself. I'm now having to lie on a bath towel and garbage bags until the meds kick in. FML

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By merp. - United States - Wausau

Today, I spun off the road and into a ditch. The insurance company told me I'd have to wait an hour, as they had other cars to tow first. I had to pee so badly that I resorted to using the only thing I had in my car: a plastic bag. That's when I got a knock on my window from the tow truck driver. FML

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By Devin

Today, my dog chewed through his leash, so I had to take him inside to prevent him from running off. I went to bed. I woke up to torn-up blinds, half-ate sandals, and a very, very anxious cat due to my dog running after her and trying to sniff her butt. FML

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By no boobies - United States

Today, while shopping for dresses, I found a really cute one that fit me really well, but not at all in the breast area. My grandma screamed "buy her some titties!" Everyone in the store looked at me. FML

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By Meg

Today, we moved 2,700 miles across the U.S. to better our lives, with job offers and home options lined up. All of them were given to other people or turned out to be scams. FML

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By M to the line - France

Today, I lied and said I was late for work because my car's tire was flat. Two hours later, some of my friends came in and said something along the lines that "We should do brunch every saturday, (like this morning) it was awesome!" in front of my manager. FML

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By Oja1 - United States

Today, my mother sold my extensive Star Wars collection, and I cried when I found out. I'm 46. FML

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By confusedandnowsingle - Finland - Espoo

Today, my boyfriend's proposal speech somehow ended with him breaking up with me. FML

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By enya - Luxembourg

Today, my dad and uncle got in an argument over money and ended up fighting in the back garden. Only, my dad is a muay thai fighter and my uncle is an MMA fighter, and they're refusing to stop until one of them is out cold. I foresee me driving them both to the hospital before midnight. FML

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Top comments

By CyclonePsycho | 1

#359411 - Thursday 2 July 2009 1:37

At least you stopped her from getting on the road and potentially killing someone. :D

By lukewarmocha | 0

#359377 - Thursday 2 July 2009 1:33

naw...you could make up a pretty cool story.

COMMENTS

By well_this_sucks | 0

#359373 - Thursday 2 July 2009 1:32

awhh that suckss!
~first(:~

Reply

springbirder | 0

#359529 - Thursday 2 July 2009 1:58

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Reply

inmyroom | 1

#359642 - Thursday 2 July 2009 2:26

this'll make a good story later on.

Reply

ChrisWasHere | 0

#359760 - Thursday 2 July 2009 2:59

Wow. You're gay, number 2.
Oh and for the OP.. you're an idiot. This FML sounds so FIMILIAR to a recent post. VERY SIMILAR.

Reply

ImAKlutz15 | 0

#359780 - Thursday 2 July 2009 3:06

thats what i thought

Reply

springbirder | 0

#359786 - Thursday 2 July 2009 3:08

OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS MASSIVE COCK! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS MASSIVE COCK! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS MASSIVE COCK!!!! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS MASSIVE COCK! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS!

Reply

jenkins56 | 5

#359799 - Thursday 2 July 2009 3:12

Wow #27. It bugs me way too much that you spelt 'Obama', 'Obaobama' once here.

Reply

MeganH0LLYW00D | 0

#359877 - Thursday 2 July 2009 3:33

Agreed.

Reply

lil_miz_liz09 | 0

#359996 - Thursday 2 July 2009 4:15

wow #67..it bugs me how you read every "OBAMA" in that comment.

Reply

cucumberfabulous | 7

#360102 - Thursday 2 July 2009 4:51

I didn't read every Obama, I still noticed it =P

Reply

ithedarkknight | 0

#360110 - Thursday 2 July 2009 4:53

LOL CHANGE HAS COME TO AMERICA! whether you like it or not all you people hatin on my president it doesnt matter guess what he will always be known as the president of the UNITED STATES and you always will be known as... OOPS i forgot your a nobody stfu and stop hatin OBAMA ALL THE WAY!!!!!!! um six months later and you still cant suck it up WE WON BABY WE WON ALL DAY!!!! OBAMA!

Reply

moose91894 | 0

#360155 - Thursday 2 July 2009 5:11

change?

Reply

oogyboogy | 6

#360212 - Thursday 2 July 2009 5:35

It's not that you an it's that it's destroying our country taxing to death is destroying america and destroying our nuclear weapons face it he's killing us all

Reply

Always4tehlolz | 0

#360215 - Thursday 2 July 2009 5:37

gimmick election is gimmick

Reply

easylazy | 0

#360284 - Thursday 2 July 2009 6:16

Just tell everyone that you got bit by a vampire

All your girlfriends are probably obsessed with Twilight anyway

Reply

Bizzile | 0

#360409 - Thursday 2 July 2009 7:27

that suuuucks !

Reply

lifeislife_fml | 0

#360417 - Thursday 2 July 2009 7:33

Haha #67, I had to look for the "Obaobama". That was a pretty funny copy+paste incident.

Reply

Dante167 | 0

#360447 - Thursday 2 July 2009 7:46

#114 I doubt you have any clue what you're talking about, you cant even make a sentence that doesnt sound like an 8 year old typed it.

Reply

americayay | 0

#360461 - Thursday 2 July 2009 7:52

i don't know that they hate obama, just you because you type obama multiple times all over this site because you're pathetic and it's really annoying.

Reply

jessamyn_it_is | 0

#360680 - Thursday 2 July 2009 10:27

Haha yeah, that's kind of what I was about to say :)

Reply

divineinstrument | 2

#361491 - Thursday 2 July 2009 19:47

To number #58: Yeah that's exactly what I was thinking!!! Yeah, I thought it was the same FML for a second, but the first one was about another guy trying to stop a drunk girl from driving home and she ran him over. Looks like no good comes from trying to stop people from drink-driving lol

To OP: Well, you tried to do a good deed, and it didn't work out. You can't blame yourself if someone else wants to drink-drive. It's an incredibly stupid thing to do, but people do it, and I really hope that anyone who drink-drives gets caught and severly punished (the police fine is the tip of the iceberg- anyone caught drink-driving is likely to get fired). Sorry, OP, nice try though.

Reply

srammer99 | 0

#852321 - Saturday 13 February 2010 17:40

because of Obama there won't be another black president for a long time

Reply

zach055 | 23

#965065 - Saturday 20 March 2010 17:52

That's what you get for messing with a drink girl.

Reply

potterwatch | 0

#1216813 - Tuesday 10 August 2010 10:26

someone jumped on the bandwagon... I hate when people talk about politics like it's a football game. and I especially hate it when all the obama crazy high school students say "change" to everything even though they have no idea what they are talking about. I mean I voted for Obama but it wasn't because he was young or black or bc I'm an optimist and I believe in his entire message. sometimes you gotta pick the guy that sucks less.

Reply

19fml18 | 0

#2217991 - Monday 21 March 2011 20:13

it'll make one badass scar, though.

By lukewarmocha | 0

#359377 - Thursday 2 July 2009 1:33

naw...you could make up a pretty cool story.

Reply

genius_girl16 | 0

#359724 - Thursday 2 July 2009 2:49

I think this is the best thing that has ever happened to you ! congratulations! you are officially a part of the exclusive club known as bitten. It was originated in south georgia island and entitles you to free things such as free valet parking. no taxes and free coffees and shipping and handling fees! Some people are bitten just to enjoy these benefits. If you think im lying just google it. its on the 22 page.

Reply

StealthStorm67 | 0

#360379 - Thursday 2 July 2009 7:06

What kind of fucking loser searches something for 22 pages?

By irrelevantxx | 0

#359385 - Thursday 2 July 2009 1:34

Hahahahh

By niemann2006 | 0

#359386 - Thursday 2 July 2009 1:34

hopefully she didn't have a transferable disease

Reply

spiffles | 0

#359449 - Thursday 2 July 2009 1:43

No joke. Get tested!!

Reply

brenkite | 5

#4351089 - Wednesday 25 April 2012 1:33

You might become a zombie

By mastory96 | 0

#359388 - Thursday 2 July 2009 1:34

haha agreed with number 2. you could think of something, like maybe your girl got rough last night, etc. :)

Reply

jenkins56 | 5

#359553 - Thursday 2 July 2009 2:03

Or tell the twilight fangirls that's where the vampire bit you.
They'll be putty in your hands my friend....

Reply

failgirl14 | 0

#359686 - Thursday 2 July 2009 2:36

oh thats nice. good to see girls are being respected, lol. no but seriously, thats probably actually true...

By itsgen | 16

#359398 - Thursday 2 July 2009 1:36

damm
never take a drunken gurls tequila

By teamhat | 0

#359401 - Thursday 2 July 2009 1:36

haha #2 has a great thing to say

By mastory96 | 0

#359403 - Thursday 2 July 2009 1:37

unless you're a girl... haha sorry!

By blooberri | 0

#359406 - Thursday 2 July 2009 1:37

that sucks .. im sorry

By manoverboard | 0

#359408 - Thursday 2 July 2009 1:37

Say a really tiny shark bit you.