Today, I tried to stop a drunk girl from driving home. She took... - FML

By Pelota - 1/7/2009 21:46 - United States

Today, I tried to stop a drunk girl from driving home. She took a couple swings at me, which I dodged. Feeling pretty good about it, I tried to get the keys from her hand. She leaned over, and sunk her teeth in to my bare shoulder. The doctor says I will have a scar. FML

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Yappy neighborhood

Vultures

Mind your own beeswax

By Zkroger - 23/10/2013 15:42 - United States

Today, my girlfriend of a year denied in front of everyone that we ever dated. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/2/2011 17:41 - Ireland

Today, I cycled 30 minutes through hail and rain to get my pregnant girlfriend the crisps she was craving. When I made it back, she didn't want them anymore. FML

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By - 12/1/2017 20:00

Today, after 3 years of unemployment and 6 months of hard studying, I found out I hadn't actually registered myself for the public service exam that will happen later this month and could finally get me a job. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/10/2017 06:00 - United States

Today, I was getting a bikini wax to prove to my husband that I could be sexy despite being five months pregnant. As the woman was applying the wax, she said, "You know, if I wanted to, I'm in the perfect spot to reach in and steal that baby." FML

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By fisherman - 23/1/2010 10:12 - United States

Today, I went fishing with friends looking to catch big redfish. During the trip, one of the men caught a 50 pound monster which I put away. At the end of the trip they wanted to take a picture with it. I went to wash off the fish in the water. Apparently the fish wasn't dead and swam away. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/9/2011 23:32 - United States

Today, my brother handed me a sandwich that I'd asked him to make for me. Halfway through eating the sandwich, he started laughing hysterically. I still don't know what was in it. FML

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By Marjorie - 13/7/2012 17:08 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I'm sitting in the ER with my eight-year-old son. He broke his arm after jumping out through the second story window. He was too impatient to walk to the ice cream van pulling up outside. FML

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By cocacola999 - 3/5/2014 10:38 - United Kingdom

Today, I was at a party. Trying to overcome my social anxiety, I was trying to take part in conversations. So, when a girl mentioned she had a doctor's appointment next morning, I blurted out: "What kind of a doctor?" Everyone stared as she responded: "A gynaecologist." FML

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By Anonymous - 6/5/2020 05:00

Stained

Today, I found out that my wife's dog had peed on my side of the bed, while I was sleeping. I thought I had just drooled in my sleep, until I noticed it had turned yellow during the day. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/9/2019 12:00 - Australia - Cairns

Wrong place, right time

Today, a co-worker came back from his honeymoon. He passed by my office to say hi, and mentioned, "I heard you're getting married next year?" I broke up with my boyfriend yesterday. He's taking his things out of the house as I write this. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/8/2019 17:04 - Canada - Ottawa

Today, I found out my brother doesn't have a problem with "keeping it in the family". It's now up to me to explain why our cousin is pregnant with his kid. FML

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By LockedOut - 25/7/2009 00:55 - United States

Today, my auto-repairman told me my heavy mass of keys was bad for the ignition switch and suggested I separate my house and car keys. I began to carry my car keys and lock the house keys in my glovebox. My car was stolen. I now have car keys but no car and a house with no house key. FML

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By CapeRanger - 4/10/2009 18:13 - South Africa

Today, I drove my cousin to her wedding. The photographer said I was too ugly for the official photos so they searched the crowd for a good looking guy to pose as the driver in my new car. No one in the crowd stopped to defend me. My mom told me it's my own fault. FML

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By Thank you, exactly what I wanted Sergeant - 21/8/2016 13:53

Today, my drill sergeant found out it's my birthday. I spent the rest of the day scrubbing large, filthy pots for the entire base of 2000+ and scrubbing grime off of bathroom walls. Happy birthday to me! FML

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By tamponface - 30/7/2011 12:03 - United Kingdom

Today, I was really excited because the girl I'd liked since freshman year asked me out. She came to my house and my mom decided to show her baby pictures of me with tampons up my nose because I'd had a nose bleed. Even worse, there was one picture of me when I was 15 doing the same thing. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/2/2017 12:00 - Canada - Toronto

Today, after months of apartment hunting with my boyfriend, he told me he had found a fantastic place that was really inexpensive. It seemed way too good to be true. It was. He took me to a storage unit. FML

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By bill - 24/10/2012 11:14 - United States - Pasadena

Today, I saw a man lying face down in a field and thinking he was injured, I ran over to help. As soon as I got to him, I realized he was completely naked. He stood up and chased after me. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/1/2012 06:23 - United States

Today, my fiancé called and hung up right after I answered. He called back 5 minutes later demanding to know the name of the man who answered my phone. This "man" was me. I have bronchitis. Yes, he's aware of this. FML

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By shit - 28/4/2016 11:05 - United States - Colonial Heights

Today, I went to the dentist; no one was in the waiting room so I danced around and mouthed songs that were on the radio. It wasn't till after I went to the counter and saw the receptionists laughing like a pack of hyenas that I realized there was a camera. FML

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By the attention seeker - 17/4/2013 21:57 - United States - North Miami Beach

Today my mother met my in-laws for the first time. She had been an alcoholic and had us sent to foster care 15 years ago. My husband told his parents this behind my back a while ago. When they asked her about it, she denied everything. His entire family now thinks I lie for attention. FML

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By Rachal - 30/1/2012 01:27 - United States

Today, I was standing in the bathroom and farted. It felt like someone stabbed me in the butt. I jumped out of shock, and my head slammed into the mirror. My glasses fell onto the floor and broke. I now need new glasses, a new mirror, and an ice pack for my head. All because I farted. FML

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By Spooked - 6/3/2011 19:38 - United States

Today, I discovered that the demonic voice that made me nearly piss myself all night, was my sister's Furby she stuck in the closet. FML

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By theshire - 12/8/2014 06:23 - France - Nice

Today, it's been 10 days since my family and I have been visiting France. I've always wanted to try their culinary specialties but my dad says we "can't trust them". We've eaten at McDonald's 9/10 times. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/7/2017 12:00 - United States - Hurricane

Today, at work, I wanted to scare my best friend, who is also my coworker. Thinking that he was cleaning the women's bathroom, I snuck in and right when I was about to scare him, my store director came out of the stall. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/12/2009 04:02 - United States

Today, I found out that when an officer screams, "DON'T MOVE OR I'LL TASE YOU", it really means, "If you so much as flinch I'm going to shoot and 50,000 volts will be directed through your nose and groin." FML

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By Author - 24/2/2014 22:22 - United States - Naples

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. Devastated, I told my dad about it, hoping he'd help cheer me up. His advice was, "Just rub one out son, you'll feel better in no time." Thanks dad. FML

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By budda1368 - 9/10/2019 22:00 - United States

Romance isn't dead

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time. It was amazing, besides for the fact I barely felt him. I pretty much faked the entire thing. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/5/2020 08:00

Winning

Today, I found out my fourteen-year-old daughter is making more money than me, thanks to babysitting and winning writing contests. FML

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By steve - 5/9/2012 08:14 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, my girlfriend dumped me because I didn't take her pet rock seriously. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/11/2015 13:47 - United States - Roxboro

Today, my girlfriend cornered me and asked if I'm gay. I said no and asked why she even had any doubts. Apparently me being depressed and crying over my grandmother's death is "faggish" and means I want to have sex with men. Who knew? FML

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By Anonymous - 26/9/2009 14:24 - United States

Today, I went on my first date in nearly a year. A few minutes into the meal, he called me "scrumptious" and made animal noises for the rest of it. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/9/2019 02:02

Boom, headshot!

Today, my boyfriend headbutted me during sex. This wouldn't be so bad if it was the first time. FML

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By Dana - 16/11/2018 15:30

Today, I told my son if he wanted the new internet password he had to clean his room. I then caught him disconnecting my laptop from the internet. Turns out he changed the password months ago and now if I want the new password he wants £50. I ended up paying. I'm actually proud of the sneaky sod. FML

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By newcomer - 12/4/2017 05:00 - Canada - Kingston

Today, to treat the family, I cooked something nice in appreciation for sticking it out over the past few tough months. Unfortunately, I chose this one day to not wear my oven mitts when carrying the food to the table, spilling the food all over the carpeted floor. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/5/2013 13:45 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, one of my closest friends informed me that she wasn't going to invite me to her wedding, because I'm too shy and not enough fun, and she doesn't want her 200 or so guests to feel uncomfortable. I was the one who set the happy couple up. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/6/2020 05:01

Friends theme music plays

Today, I realized that having the apartment bathroom next to my bedroom space isn't so great and convenient when it's occupied by my evil roommate, Fartzilla. I hear every constipated grunt, despite having music turned up. Worse, it's like living next to a poop-pourri factory. Nose bleach, anyone? FML

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By KBL3 - 11/8/2010 09:16 - United States

Today, my boyfriend started talking to my breasts in public. As if that wasn't bad enough, he then started to jiggle them in his hands. FML

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By NoThanks - 24/8/2009 18:38 - United States

Today, an old lady came to the bank where I worked at to apply for a loan. She obviously didn't qualify for one as she has no income coming in. She looked so pitiful, so I changed a couple of her information so she could. She reported me and I got fired. FML

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By NOOOOOO - 16/8/2015 23:18 - United States

Today, my only pair of shoes that I brought got stolen at the airport while I was being checked by security. I'm now stuck 1000 miles from home with no shoes. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/8/2013 16:51 - Canada - Galt

Today, my 16-year-old brother managed to convince my 22-year-old boyfriend that I breastfeed my pet parrot. FML

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Top comments

By CyclonePsycho | 1

#359411 - Thursday 2 July 2009 1:37

At least you stopped her from getting on the road and potentially killing someone. :D

By lukewarmocha | 0

#359377 - Thursday 2 July 2009 1:33

naw...you could make up a pretty cool story.

COMMENTS

By well_this_sucks | 0

#359373 - Thursday 2 July 2009 1:32

awhh that suckss!
~first(:~

Reply

springbirder | 0

#359529 - Thursday 2 July 2009 1:58

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Reply

inmyroom | 1

#359642 - Thursday 2 July 2009 2:26

this'll make a good story later on.

Reply

ChrisWasHere | 0

#359760 - Thursday 2 July 2009 2:59

Wow. You're gay, number 2.
Oh and for the OP.. you're an idiot. This FML sounds so FIMILIAR to a recent post. VERY SIMILAR.

Reply

ImAKlutz15 | 0

#359780 - Thursday 2 July 2009 3:06

thats what i thought

Reply

springbirder | 0

#359786 - Thursday 2 July 2009 3:08

OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS MASSIVE COCK! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS MASSIVE COCK! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS MASSIVE COCK!!!! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS MASSIVE COCK! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS!

Reply

jenkins56 | 5

#359799 - Thursday 2 July 2009 3:12

Wow #27. It bugs me way too much that you spelt 'Obama', 'Obaobama' once here.

Reply

MeganH0LLYW00D | 0

#359877 - Thursday 2 July 2009 3:33

Agreed.

Reply

lil_miz_liz09 | 0

#359996 - Thursday 2 July 2009 4:15

wow #67..it bugs me how you read every "OBAMA" in that comment.

Reply

cucumberfabulous | 7

#360102 - Thursday 2 July 2009 4:51

I didn't read every Obama, I still noticed it =P

Reply

ithedarkknight | 0

#360110 - Thursday 2 July 2009 4:53

LOL CHANGE HAS COME TO AMERICA! whether you like it or not all you people hatin on my president it doesnt matter guess what he will always be known as the president of the UNITED STATES and you always will be known as... OOPS i forgot your a nobody stfu and stop hatin OBAMA ALL THE WAY!!!!!!! um six months later and you still cant suck it up WE WON BABY WE WON ALL DAY!!!! OBAMA!

Reply

moose91894 | 0

#360155 - Thursday 2 July 2009 5:11

change?

Reply

oogyboogy | 6

#360212 - Thursday 2 July 2009 5:35

It's not that you an it's that it's destroying our country taxing to death is destroying america and destroying our nuclear weapons face it he's killing us all

Reply

Always4tehlolz | 0

#360215 - Thursday 2 July 2009 5:37

gimmick election is gimmick

Reply

easylazy | 0

#360284 - Thursday 2 July 2009 6:16

Just tell everyone that you got bit by a vampire

All your girlfriends are probably obsessed with Twilight anyway

Reply

Bizzile | 0

#360409 - Thursday 2 July 2009 7:27

that suuuucks !

Reply

lifeislife_fml | 0

#360417 - Thursday 2 July 2009 7:33

Haha #67, I had to look for the "Obaobama". That was a pretty funny copy+paste incident.

Reply

Dante167 | 0

#360447 - Thursday 2 July 2009 7:46

#114 I doubt you have any clue what you're talking about, you cant even make a sentence that doesnt sound like an 8 year old typed it.

Reply

americayay | 0

#360461 - Thursday 2 July 2009 7:52

i don't know that they hate obama, just you because you type obama multiple times all over this site because you're pathetic and it's really annoying.

Reply

jessamyn_it_is | 0

#360680 - Thursday 2 July 2009 10:27

Haha yeah, that's kind of what I was about to say :)

Reply

divineinstrument | 2

#361491 - Thursday 2 July 2009 19:47

To number #58: Yeah that's exactly what I was thinking!!! Yeah, I thought it was the same FML for a second, but the first one was about another guy trying to stop a drunk girl from driving home and she ran him over. Looks like no good comes from trying to stop people from drink-driving lol

To OP: Well, you tried to do a good deed, and it didn't work out. You can't blame yourself if someone else wants to drink-drive. It's an incredibly stupid thing to do, but people do it, and I really hope that anyone who drink-drives gets caught and severly punished (the police fine is the tip of the iceberg- anyone caught drink-driving is likely to get fired). Sorry, OP, nice try though.

Reply

srammer99 | 0

#852321 - Saturday 13 February 2010 17:40

because of Obama there won't be another black president for a long time

Reply

zach055 | 23

#965065 - Saturday 20 March 2010 17:52

That's what you get for messing with a drink girl.

Reply

potterwatch | 0

#1216813 - Tuesday 10 August 2010 10:26

someone jumped on the bandwagon... I hate when people talk about politics like it's a football game. and I especially hate it when all the obama crazy high school students say "change" to everything even though they have no idea what they are talking about. I mean I voted for Obama but it wasn't because he was young or black or bc I'm an optimist and I believe in his entire message. sometimes you gotta pick the guy that sucks less.

Reply

19fml18 | 0

#2217991 - Monday 21 March 2011 20:13

it'll make one badass scar, though.

By lukewarmocha | 0

#359377 - Thursday 2 July 2009 1:33

naw...you could make up a pretty cool story.

Reply

genius_girl16 | 0

#359724 - Thursday 2 July 2009 2:49

I think this is the best thing that has ever happened to you ! congratulations! you are officially a part of the exclusive club known as bitten. It was originated in south georgia island and entitles you to free things such as free valet parking. no taxes and free coffees and shipping and handling fees! Some people are bitten just to enjoy these benefits. If you think im lying just google it. its on the 22 page.

Reply

StealthStorm67 | 0

#360379 - Thursday 2 July 2009 7:06

What kind of fucking loser searches something for 22 pages?

By irrelevantxx | 0

#359385 - Thursday 2 July 2009 1:34

Hahahahh

By niemann2006 | 0

#359386 - Thursday 2 July 2009 1:34

hopefully she didn't have a transferable disease

Reply

spiffles | 0

#359449 - Thursday 2 July 2009 1:43

No joke. Get tested!!

Reply

brenkite | 5

#4351089 - Wednesday 25 April 2012 1:33

You might become a zombie

By mastory96 | 0

#359388 - Thursday 2 July 2009 1:34

haha agreed with number 2. you could think of something, like maybe your girl got rough last night, etc. :)

Reply

jenkins56 | 5

#359553 - Thursday 2 July 2009 2:03

Or tell the twilight fangirls that's where the vampire bit you.
They'll be putty in your hands my friend....

Reply

failgirl14 | 0

#359686 - Thursday 2 July 2009 2:36

oh thats nice. good to see girls are being respected, lol. no but seriously, thats probably actually true...

By itsgen | 16

#359398 - Thursday 2 July 2009 1:36

damm
never take a drunken gurls tequila

By teamhat | 0

#359401 - Thursday 2 July 2009 1:36

haha #2 has a great thing to say

By mastory96 | 0

#359403 - Thursday 2 July 2009 1:37

unless you're a girl... haha sorry!

By blooberri | 0

#359406 - Thursday 2 July 2009 1:37

that sucks .. im sorry

By manoverboard | 0

#359408 - Thursday 2 July 2009 1:37

Say a really tiny shark bit you.