Miscellaneous: Today, I tried to stop a drunk girl from driving home. She took... - FML

By Pelota - United States

Today, I tried to stop a drunk girl from driving home. She took a couple swings at me, which I dodged. Feeling pretty good about it, I tried to get the keys from her hand. She leaned over, and sunk her teeth in to my bare shoulder. The doctor says I will have a scar. FML

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There's no helping some people

Car Wars

Mind your own beeswax

By Puppylove - United Kingdom

Today, I was at my friend's house, when she commented that her dog's fur kept getting tangled because of its length. I reached over to tickle his tummy, felt a big tangled knot and agreed that he needed a good grooming. Then I realized what I'd grabbed wasn't fur. FML

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By UnwantedDisappointment

Today, I accidentally saw my boyfriend's sexts to a guy he's friends with. He's been turning me down for sex for months. FML

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By VacationTSA - United States

Today, I woke up in a girls bed, that I have had a crush on for two years. She was sleeping on the floor with someone else. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, on a plane I was showing my brother the life jackets kept under the seat. After pulling on what I thought was the lifejacket, I then realized that they were kept in the arm rest to my right and for the last five minutes I had been pulling on the foot of the man who was sitting behind me. FML

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By draegoncode - France

Today, I told my girlfriend of 2 years that I was sexually abused as a kid. She was only the third person I've told. She reacted by breaking up with me because I "might do something" to her kids. FML

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By aye! - 25/7/2020 02:02

Porque no los dos?

Today, just like every other day, I noticed that one of my male coworkers always stares at me while passing by or when it's time for lunch. I read somewhere that if a person stares at you too long, they either want to have sex with you or want to kill you. He has a girlfriend, so I doubt it's the first option. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my housemate blew chunks all over the freshly-painted walls in the bathroom. The paint was still wet. FML

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By Dave - United States

Today, my girlfriend of 3 years told me that I was part of an experiment for her Sociology doctorate. I also learned that the notebooks she's been writing in for the past three years aren't for her "doctorate in literature" as she had told me, they were notes on my behavior for the past 3 years. FML

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By Anonymous

Cool

Today, I tore my calf muscle while skipping and singing Yellow Brick Road. I'm off my foot for 4-6 weeks and don't even have a cool story. FML

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By jordanss - United States

Today, my apartment building shut off our water for a short period of time because the pipes were being worked on. It was also the morning my dog had diarrhea on my cream carpet. Not only did I have to clean it up without water, I couldn't wash my hands afterward. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend informed me via text message that he had moved to Bristol, and the reason he had ignored me the past fortnight was because he didn't know how to tell me. He knew he was moving even before we even got together. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was celebrating my birthday when my friend gave me a chocolate as a gift. I wasn't suspecting anything and ate about half of it before I noticed something strange. It turned out there were some kind of worms living in it and the chocolate was about a year after the expiration date. I got sick. FML

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By crzyry - Canada

Today, my four-year-old daughter called me by her mom's new boyfriend's name. Three different times. FML

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By stachattack

Today, I reassured everyone at work that the mark on my lip was just a pimple, not a cold sore. It's actually neither. I, a 21-year-old young woman, slipped while shaving my moustache and sliced off part of my lip. FML

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By TextLoser - United States

Today, I was sitting on the bus next to a hot guy who was texting. I sneaked a peek at his phone to see if he was texting a girl so I could know if he was single. As I looked at his screen, he turned it towards me and typed in caps "STOP BEING A CREEPER." He got out of his seat and off the bus. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mother refused to agree with any of my logic because it's "not in the bible." She can't find any fault with it, just refuses to agree with it. FML

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By loquacious shit stain - Australia

Today, I had drinks at a friend's house before going out to a concert. I still had a bottle of beer left, so I brought it along with me. I got kicked out five minutes into the show for bringing my own drink, which is apparently against the rules. I paid $75 to get kicked out over a $3 drink. FML

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By Lisa - United States - Bayside

Today, my boyfriend told me that the main reason he was dating me was because he was intimidated by pretty girls. FML

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By Why me. - United States - Kent

Today, I emailed my boss to let her know I was uncomfortable working over what my university’s 28-hour policy allows. She demanded I work 40 hours this week. In any other job, I'd be fine, but if I work over 28 hours, the university will fire me. If I refuse to work 28 hours, my boss will fire me. FML

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By crazyman. - United States - Keller

TMI

Today, my fiancé got drunk at our wedding reception and announced to his and my family what we do in bed. And it was pretty detailed. FML

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By Amanda - United States

Today, my ex's mom got a job as our new soccer coach and recognized me from our New Year's party last year. She made me, and me alone, do 10 laps around the field in the rain for breaking her son's heart. FML

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By alittlepersonal - United States - Lewis Center

Today, my mom decided to subtly bring up her desire for grandchildren. "You really need a girlfriend. I'm surprised you don't have a crippling case of Carpal Tunnel by now." FML

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By Champs - Australia

Today, I downloaded the 'Dark was the Night' compilation made for charity. I have no soul. FML

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By ElectroSpecter

Today, I went to get a haircut. I have a pretty bad case of dandruff, so whenever I get one, a lot of it shows. My hairstylist called to her nearby friend twice, then looked at my hair and said, "Blech" under her breath. I got glares when I walked out. FML

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By Out of Ice Cream - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. He did it over Snapchat because he said he didn't want to hear me sad over the phone and wanted to save data. Three years down the drain. FML

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By runescapeftw - United States

Today, the police called and told me that they had Alex in custody. Apparently, she had public sex with another woman and wants me to come bail her out. Alex is my mom. FML

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By shenmas

Today, while I was out walking with my girlfriend, I got beaten up and called an "abuser" by a gang of women who noticed bruises on my girlfriend's arms and legs. The bruises are from her karate class. FML

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By wobble... - Australia

Today, I got scared by my own leg fat. FML

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By lopsided - United States - Gainesville

Today, I was informed that my uneven facial features make me seem "untrustworthy." Glad to know my unchangeable physical appearance doubles as a character flaw. FML

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By jojo - United States

Today, while driving home I had to pee really bad. I decided to speed to get home quicker. I got pulled over for speeding and peed my pants. The cop, assuming I was drunk, made me take a sobriety test. I had to walk a straight line with piss all over my pants at 2:00 in the afternoon. FML

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By BadFather - Australia

Today, I discovered my wife and I have referred to our two-year-old as 'cutie' or 'beautiful' so many times she won't respond to her own name. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Cabin John

Today, I got home from work to find my boyfriend sobbing hysterically over the death of his cat. The only cat he could be talking about is the one on his Sims account. FML

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By sh33zy - United States

Today, the only girl I'm friends with deleted my comment off of her profile because she was too embarrassed that people would see we were friends. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my husband called me in the middle of the morning. He was in jail and wanted me to bail him out. Not only was he stupid enough to go drunk drag-racing with his buddies, their route took them straight past the front of the local police precinct. FML

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By jojolovesyou134

Today, as I have been the past week, I've was sent to fix my coworker's fuck-ups in his new area, and help him out as I know it. I then needed help in his old area, and got told to suck it up and figure it out. I've been doing this a year, he's been doing it for 5 years FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I went on a date at the park. Have you ever felt dozens of ants swarming up your legs and back? I have now. FML

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By fthislyfe - United States

Today, while arm wrestling with my boyfriend, I had to pretend he beat me. FML

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By marsbar - United States

Today, I was making out with my boyfriend and he was moving his hand from his thigh to my chest but on the way he sort of squeezed my stomach. When I asked him why he did that, he told me that "his fingers got stuck under my roll." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Killington

Today, I found a wounded turkey in our backyard. I brought it inside, put it in a cage, and tended to its wounds. I then left. When I got back home, I smelled the wonderful aroma of my mother's cooking. She had prepared a turkey, the one I'd rescued. FML

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By MacGrouber - United States

Today, my bird learned to mimic my fire alarm. It proved it to me at 3 am. FML

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Top comments

By CyclonePsycho | 1

#359411 - Thursday 2 July 2009 1:37

At least you stopped her from getting on the road and potentially killing someone. :D

By lukewarmocha | 0

#359377 - Thursday 2 July 2009 1:33

naw...you could make up a pretty cool story.

COMMENTS

By well_this_sucks | 0

#359373 - Thursday 2 July 2009 1:32

awhh that suckss!
~first(:~

Reply

springbirder | 0

#359529 - Thursday 2 July 2009 1:58

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Reply

inmyroom | 1

#359642 - Thursday 2 July 2009 2:26

this'll make a good story later on.

Reply

ChrisWasHere | 0

#359760 - Thursday 2 July 2009 2:59

Wow. You're gay, number 2.
Oh and for the OP.. you're an idiot. This FML sounds so FIMILIAR to a recent post. VERY SIMILAR.

Reply

ImAKlutz15 | 0

#359780 - Thursday 2 July 2009 3:06

thats what i thought

Reply

springbirder | 0

#359786 - Thursday 2 July 2009 3:08

OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS MASSIVE COCK! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS MASSIVE COCK! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS MASSIVE COCK!!!! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS MASSIVE COCK! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS! OBAMA SUCKS!

Reply

jenkins56 | 5

#359799 - Thursday 2 July 2009 3:12

Wow #27. It bugs me way too much that you spelt 'Obama', 'Obaobama' once here.

Reply

MeganH0LLYW00D | 0

#359877 - Thursday 2 July 2009 3:33

Agreed.

Reply

lil_miz_liz09 | 0

#359996 - Thursday 2 July 2009 4:15

wow #67..it bugs me how you read every "OBAMA" in that comment.

Reply

cucumberfabulous | 7

#360102 - Thursday 2 July 2009 4:51

I didn't read every Obama, I still noticed it =P

Reply

ithedarkknight | 0

#360110 - Thursday 2 July 2009 4:53

LOL CHANGE HAS COME TO AMERICA! whether you like it or not all you people hatin on my president it doesnt matter guess what he will always be known as the president of the UNITED STATES and you always will be known as... OOPS i forgot your a nobody stfu and stop hatin OBAMA ALL THE WAY!!!!!!! um six months later and you still cant suck it up WE WON BABY WE WON ALL DAY!!!! OBAMA!

Reply

moose91894 | 0

#360155 - Thursday 2 July 2009 5:11

change?

Reply

oogyboogy | 6

#360212 - Thursday 2 July 2009 5:35

It's not that you an it's that it's destroying our country taxing to death is destroying america and destroying our nuclear weapons face it he's killing us all

Reply

Always4tehlolz | 0

#360215 - Thursday 2 July 2009 5:37

gimmick election is gimmick

Reply

easylazy | 0

#360284 - Thursday 2 July 2009 6:16

Just tell everyone that you got bit by a vampire

All your girlfriends are probably obsessed with Twilight anyway

Reply

Bizzile | 0

#360409 - Thursday 2 July 2009 7:27

that suuuucks !

Reply

lifeislife_fml | 0

#360417 - Thursday 2 July 2009 7:33

Haha #67, I had to look for the "Obaobama". That was a pretty funny copy+paste incident.

Reply

Dante167 | 0

#360447 - Thursday 2 July 2009 7:46

#114 I doubt you have any clue what you're talking about, you cant even make a sentence that doesnt sound like an 8 year old typed it.

Reply

americayay | 0

#360461 - Thursday 2 July 2009 7:52

i don't know that they hate obama, just you because you type obama multiple times all over this site because you're pathetic and it's really annoying.

Reply

jessamyn_it_is | 0

#360680 - Thursday 2 July 2009 10:27

Haha yeah, that's kind of what I was about to say :)

Reply

divineinstrument | 2

#361491 - Thursday 2 July 2009 19:47

To number #58: Yeah that's exactly what I was thinking!!! Yeah, I thought it was the same FML for a second, but the first one was about another guy trying to stop a drunk girl from driving home and she ran him over. Looks like no good comes from trying to stop people from drink-driving lol

To OP: Well, you tried to do a good deed, and it didn't work out. You can't blame yourself if someone else wants to drink-drive. It's an incredibly stupid thing to do, but people do it, and I really hope that anyone who drink-drives gets caught and severly punished (the police fine is the tip of the iceberg- anyone caught drink-driving is likely to get fired). Sorry, OP, nice try though.

Reply

srammer99 | 0

#852321 - Saturday 13 February 2010 17:40

because of Obama there won't be another black president for a long time

Reply

zach055 | 23

#965065 - Saturday 20 March 2010 17:52

That's what you get for messing with a drink girl.

Reply

potterwatch | 0

#1216813 - Tuesday 10 August 2010 10:26

someone jumped on the bandwagon... I hate when people talk about politics like it's a football game. and I especially hate it when all the obama crazy high school students say "change" to everything even though they have no idea what they are talking about. I mean I voted for Obama but it wasn't because he was young or black or bc I'm an optimist and I believe in his entire message. sometimes you gotta pick the guy that sucks less.

Reply

19fml18 | 0

#2217991 - Monday 21 March 2011 20:13

it'll make one badass scar, though.

By lukewarmocha | 0

#359377 - Thursday 2 July 2009 1:33

naw...you could make up a pretty cool story.

Reply

genius_girl16 | 0

#359724 - Thursday 2 July 2009 2:49

I think this is the best thing that has ever happened to you ! congratulations! you are officially a part of the exclusive club known as bitten. It was originated in south georgia island and entitles you to free things such as free valet parking. no taxes and free coffees and shipping and handling fees! Some people are bitten just to enjoy these benefits. If you think im lying just google it. its on the 22 page.

Reply

StealthStorm67 | 0

#360379 - Thursday 2 July 2009 7:06

What kind of fucking loser searches something for 22 pages?

By irrelevantxx | 0

#359385 - Thursday 2 July 2009 1:34

Hahahahh

By niemann2006 | 0

#359386 - Thursday 2 July 2009 1:34

hopefully she didn't have a transferable disease

Reply

spiffles | 0

#359449 - Thursday 2 July 2009 1:43

No joke. Get tested!!

Reply

brenkite | 5

#4351089 - Wednesday 25 April 2012 1:33

You might become a zombie

By mastory96 | 0

#359388 - Thursday 2 July 2009 1:34

haha agreed with number 2. you could think of something, like maybe your girl got rough last night, etc. :)

Reply

jenkins56 | 5

#359553 - Thursday 2 July 2009 2:03

Or tell the twilight fangirls that's where the vampire bit you.
They'll be putty in your hands my friend....

Reply

failgirl14 | 0

#359686 - Thursday 2 July 2009 2:36

oh thats nice. good to see girls are being respected, lol. no but seriously, thats probably actually true...

By itsgen | 16

#359398 - Thursday 2 July 2009 1:36

damm
never take a drunken gurls tequila

By teamhat | 0

#359401 - Thursday 2 July 2009 1:36

haha #2 has a great thing to say

By mastory96 | 0

#359403 - Thursday 2 July 2009 1:37

unless you're a girl... haha sorry!

By blooberri | 0

#359406 - Thursday 2 July 2009 1:37

that sucks .. im sorry

By manoverboard | 0

#359408 - Thursday 2 July 2009 1:37

Say a really tiny shark bit you.