Miscellaneous: Today, I went into my part-time job at a drugstore. We always...

By arsenic660 - 30/07/2009 03:17 - United States

Today, I went into my part-time job at a drugstore. We always have one item we try and sell to every customer. For the next week I have to ask every person if they would like to try my nuts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 779

You deserved it 4 531

Miscellaneous

You tried

I can't eat these

Paper trail

By CHStennis_4 - 03/09/2011 04:48 - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. Because she farted, and thought it was "too awkward". FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 236

You deserved it 3 852

By Screamslikeagirl - 27/09/2016 19:17 - United States - Union City

Today, there must have been a wasp clinging to my front door because when I walked outside, it dropped between my glasses and my face and began stinging me all around my eye. I don't know if my eye is more swollen from the stings or from me repeatedly punching myself in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 079

You deserved it 1 158

By Anonymous - 01/01/2016 11:37 - Australia

Today, I went on a date at the park. Have you ever felt dozens of ants swarming up your legs and back? I have now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 041

You deserved it 1 712

By amazinghermit - 25/11/2014 04:21 - United Kingdom - Glasgow

Today, I spent an hour in my car terrified to go inside because I thought my house was being burgled. I saw rapid shadows in the light of my lounge. Eventually I plucked up the courage to creep inside with a rock to find it wasn't a robber. It was my cats, fighting in front of a toppled lamp. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 057

You deserved it 6 509

By Bontempi - 19/07/2012 18:55 - France

Today, I returned home to my parents' house, drunk. Hungry, I grabbed a slice of bread and some butter and took two mouthfuls. Five hours later, my mother woke me up and dragged me to the kitchen. In the middle of the table was a buttered, half-eaten sponge. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 606

You deserved it 42 571

By Anonymous - 05/06/2011 20:45 - United States

Today, I was in the elevator with my boss, when I let rip the vilest, most horrifying fart of my life as we left the first floor. We stood in silence as the elevator slowly ascended to the 21st floor, leaving us to marinate in the fumes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 342

You deserved it 46 134

By yeahno - 31/10/2010 16:10 - United States

Today, I wore my high school letterman jacket while I was out shopping. A man saw me and muttered to his wife about how sad it is some adults can't grow up and continue to wear their high school paraphernalia, constantly trying to relive their senior year. I am a senior. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 752

You deserved it 2 995

Contagion

By Girlygal32 - 13/09/2020 08:02 - United States

Today, my mother chewed me out for not wearing deodorant and smelling of B.O. I was wearing plenty of deodorant. My shirt just smelled like my boyfriend, whom I'd been cuddling with earlier. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 012

You deserved it 469

By Clunker - 24/10/2009 05:07 - United States

Today, as I was driving with my boyfriend, he pointed out what a crappy car I drive. About how the locks don't work, the vents are broken, the windshield wipers are busted, my headlights aren't bright, and a hubcap is missing. Then he said I’m a good match for my car, 'cos we have the same “personality". FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 860

You deserved it 3 951

By onlychild - 12/04/2014 06:22 - United States

Today, my sister is working on her graduation speech. She gives her thanks to one friend for helping support her through school, like, "The sister I never had". FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 226

You deserved it 4 517

By dadadoo - 06/02/2012 04:09 - United States

Today, while on the bus, I watched a homeless man pop a pimple on his arm and eat it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 801

You deserved it 3 300

By SCdriver - 16/07/2012 06:04 - United States - Lexington

Today, I called the cops to let them know that a drunk man was driving dangerously down my road. About an hour later, I was going to the store and got pulled over for speeding by the cop I called. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 210

You deserved it 36 136

By kelkline - 31/08/2009 16:45 - United States

Today, my friend got a babysitter for the kids and told me she was taking me to a party. My son told me his band was playing at a party. I will be 40 tomorrow, so I thought this would be the best surprise birthday party ever. It WAS a surprise birthday party – for a friend of ours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 943

You deserved it 3 509

By Anonymous - 28/08/2015 05:41 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I washed all the dishes and cups from the family dinner last night and put them away. When my wife saw, she had a mini OCD breakdown and yelled at me because the cups weren't lined up with each other with the handles aligned and the flower pictures facing out left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 134

You deserved it 3 254

Creepy

By Anonymous - 13/01/2021 20:01

Today, I had a huge argument with my wife because I declined a lunch invite with a married couple who live nearby. My wife has severe social anxiety, so having a friend nearby is a huge win for her. What my wife doesn’t know is that her new friend keeps hitting on me, and has already sent me unsolicited nudes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 879

You deserved it 277

By Anonymous - 05/12/2010 18:25 - Singapore

Today, I took a nap because I've been sick for the past week and I was exhausted. When I woke up, my hair, shirt, pillow, and bedsheets were soaked. I threw up all over myself in my sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 677

You deserved it 3 243

Which part of pandemic don't you understand?

By Anonymous - 29/12/2020 23:02

Today, after quarantining for 2 weeks so I could spend Christmas with my parents, they went over to see a COVID hoaxer/Trump-supporting neighbor, and spent an hour inside with him, without wearing masks. I'm a nurse, working with cancer patients. They don't understand why I'm upset, and are angry that I'm leaving. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 252

You deserved it 231

By Anonymous - 22/01/2010 02:49 - United States

Today, I was at my work. To urge people to be generous, I paid my friends to put 15 bucks in the tip jar while saying how great I was. He did this about ten times throughout the day. Turns out, us employees don't get to keep the tips. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 951

You deserved it 28 541

By SCARRED - 29/08/2014 20:15 - United States - Kansas City

Today, I walked in on my dad giving my mom a striptease. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 657

You deserved it 7 545

By ShowOff - 11/03/2010 08:13 - United Kingdom

Today, I tried to demonstrate to my friend how laughably dull our kitchen knives are by swiping one across my palm. Turns out Dad noticed the problem yesterday and sharpened them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 163

You deserved it 53 363

By Anonymous - 04/06/2009 11:11 - United States

Today, I was reading through a local wedding mag's advice page. A mother-in-law to be was writing about how to handle wanting her son to break off his engagement. I thought, "Wow. That must suck. I'm glad I like my mother-in-law to be." And then I saw her name. FML

I agree, your life sucks 74 705

You deserved it 3 457

Stay safe, everyone

By Anonymous - 11/04/2021 05:00

Today, I found out that one of my workmates had passed away due to Covid-19. He was among five other workmates who were calling me a "pussy" for going back and forth to work in car, instead of public transport. These five guys were eventually infected by someone in the public transport. FML

I agree, your life sucks 896

You deserved it 127

By extants - 11/02/2010 20:13 - United States

Today, I found out my broker invested my $6000 in the wrong stock. How did I find out? He called me to let me know the stock crashed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 310

You deserved it 3 631

By Anonymous - 02/11/2010 02:58 - United States

Today, I was at Wal-Mart and I asked a guy who worked there where the scrapbooking stuff was. He led me to the aisle where it was and then said, "By the way, I don't work here." FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 012

You deserved it 31 556

By therosalina - 01/10/2018 10:30 - United States - Duluth

Today, my dad moved my car onto the street so he wouldn't accidentally back into it while moving our boat. My neighbor backed into it instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 814

You deserved it 150

By omfgitburns - 06/01/2011 14:54

Today, I had a plaster cast removed from my arm. After telling the nurse it felt like the saw was cutting my skin, she tells me there is no way that it could touch my skin and that I was being paranoid. She cracked open the cast. Burns, blisters and bleeding skin were revealed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 395

You deserved it 2 853

Christmas is dangerous

By LondonTor - This FML is from back in 2018 but it's good stuff

Today, I was moving my sofa to make space for the Christmas tree and the sofa slipped on the wooden floor, thus flipping my right big toenail up 90° so it is now only connected at the cuticle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 249

You deserved it 229

Fuck the patriarchy

By single not ready to mingle - 27/10/2020 18:02 - United States

Today, my now ex-boyfriend told me that we could keep dating, but he doesn’t see a future with me because I’m not a good submissive woman like his mother. His mother who’s been married four times for cheating on all her husbands. Yeah, good woman indeed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 310

You deserved it 109

By Anonymous - 26/07/2015 22:43 - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, I went to put a lasagna in the oven for dinner. I was greeted by a revolting scent of a chicken-soup and biscuits boxed dinner. The fridge apparently was too full for my brother to put it away inside, so he covered it up and forgot about it in the oven. We made that dinner two weeks ago. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 23 311

You deserved it 2 170

By billjoebob424 - 19/03/2016 01:18 - Canada - Erin

Today, I walked in on my younger cousin trying to find Minecraft porn. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 579

You deserved it 1 773

By GoDiarrhea - 04/03/2010 18:52 - Argentina

Today, I came down with sudden diarrhea while at taekwondo practice. I discreetly called my dad for a pickup, but on our way out, he told my instructor that I had to go because I was "shitting my pants with fear". He did this in front of all my classmates. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 344

You deserved it 2 823

By Calimero0 - 05/12/2017 01:30

Today, I felt so unwell that I didn't fall asleep until 4 AM. The baby woke up at 5, ready to start the day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 186

You deserved it 537

By brokeandiknowit - 09/06/2017 05:00 - United States - Chula Vista

Today, I installed an app that notifies me of every purchase on my credit card. Now I'm being tormented by notification after notification as my wife decimates our finances. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 421

You deserved it 937

By nowork - 28/08/2013 03:21 - United States - Liverpool

Today, I asked my boss for a raise, explaining that another shop offered me a job at a higher rate, but I would stay if he would offer me the same. Instead, he fired me then called the other shop and said I was fired for failing a drug test. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 254

You deserved it 7 714

By LMN - 31/07/2009 01:30 - United States

Today, after receiving a message about being hired at a retail store, I went to the orientation for new employees. The trainer seemed perplexed when I told him my name, but he gave me my paperwork and continued with training. At the end of the 8 hour day, he asked to talk to me. I wasn't actually hired. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 913

You deserved it 2 933

By Katie - 23/06/2011 16:39 - United States

Today, I was rear-ended while at a stop sign, by my driving instructor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 595

You deserved it 2 795

To the window, to the wall

By Kim - 17/07/2020 23:01

Today, I saw my boyfriend using a washcloth to clean his cock and sweaty balls. He told me he's been doing this for quite some time now. Guess who's been using the same washcloth to clean her face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 486

You deserved it 383

By Brad - 03/01/2013 06:47 - United States - Harrisburg

Today, I went to dinner with my girlfriend of 2 months. This would have been great, had I not been nodding absentmindedly when she suggested that we start planning our wedding soon, because "she's always dreamt of being married on the same day as Brad and Angelina." FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 919

You deserved it 25 574

By Lincoln - 20/01/2009 01:23 - Australia

Today, I had to sit here for 8 hours copying and pasting thousands of product codes on a frigging spreadsheet. My job title is not data entry, I'm a graphic designer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 249

You deserved it 2 785

By dom - 08/09/2010 06:53 - United States

Today, my boyfriend yawned while I was giving him head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 243

You deserved it 33 771

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Top comments

kellster 2

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Thursday 30 July 2009 9:12

Ah, retail. The other prostitution.

effthis 0

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Thursday 30 July 2009 9:14

i would like to try your nuts.....

kellster 2

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Thursday 30 July 2009 9:12

Ah, retail. The other prostitution.

haishawna 0

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Thursday 30 July 2009 9:29

walgreens?

blink182rocks 0

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Thursday 30 July 2009 10:40

YDI for having tiny nuts. FIRST COMMENT!

bishoprsv2 0

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Thursday 30 July 2009 15:48

ASK ME ABOUT MY WEINERRRRRR!!!

spoo 24

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Thursday 30 July 2009 16:36

have YOU seen my wiener?

lolbulla 0

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Thursday 30 July 2009 18:25

LOL VINCE SHLOMI REFERENCES

screams906 0

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Thursday 30 July 2009 19:41

Yes, yes... when I always see a stand like that I just eat everything, free food right

ReasonsToFly 0

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Thursday 30 July 2009 20:08

You're gonna love my nuts.

volleyballgirl16 0

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Thursday 30 July 2009 20:51

you=win OP- thats funny, come in guys youll love my nuts

humorizer 14

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Friday 31 July 2009 7:09

FYI everyone, the store in question is CVS. We had three types of nuts, Chocolate Covered Nuts, Salted Nuts and Mixed Deluxe. They're 99 cents. Here's the kicker though... If you have a cvs card, you can scan it on one of those price checker scanners, and it'll generate a coupon that says "buy 2 gold emblem nuts, get $2 off". Generally this is for general $2 nuts (so you get 2 bags o nuts for $2); but you can get these special sized bags of nuts for free. But yeah, I did have a customer who laughed (it was funnier because she seemed like she was a mature 30 year old) when I said, "would you be interested in getting two of these nuts for free?" (I was gesturing at the bag o nuts).

_THE_MASTER_ 0

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Friday 31 July 2009 16:11

um, this is totally not an FML. this could be an amazing chance to say some horrible sounding things to customers without getting into trouble., and, 32, A you suck at life, B you didnt even have the first response to the first comment, and your life is an utter failure, and C blink 182 most definitely does NOT rock. whining is not rocking, you emo fuck. go die in a fire. but, mostly, OP, just pray that you get some really offensively beautiful customers coming in you you can be like, 'oh by the way, i have a bag of nuts with your name on it', or something like that.

XScarlet 4

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Friday 31 July 2009 18:25

#103 FTW! I would totally have a blast trying to sell "my nuts"! Come up with a pitch that will make the customers laugh. I always appreciate it when it seems like a person is enjoying their job with customer interaction. It will make your day go by a little faster. Reminds me of the Family Guy episode where Brian is selling his "smoked meat log" at the mall. LMAO!

monawoka 0

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Monday 1 March 2010 9:19

I don't see why your complaining that would be fun

daniisme 0

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Tuesday 6 April 2010 7:26

do you want to see my cotton paantiiess?? -south park reference-

effthis 0

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Thursday 30 July 2009 9:14

i would like to try your nuts.....

facilitator 0

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Monday 30 May 2011 2:47

Best Job Ever

izzie321 27

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Sunday 16 June 2013 4:43

This... Is.... the.... BEST JOB EVER.

fmlbaby_fml 0

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Thursday 30 July 2009 9:15

Hahaha! I'm sorry but this is hilarious!

Jman21 0

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Thursday 30 July 2009 9:16

Well would you like to try some????

yeaboiii 0

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Thursday 30 July 2009 9:16

THATS THE BEST JOB EVER HAHAHAHAHA What if you picked up a chick on that line? you should be happy. mix it up and say stuff like "hey baby wanna try my salty ol' nuts?"

bipolaradhdfml 0

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Thursday 30 July 2009 19:38

Thank you. That just made my day.

Sharrakor 0

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Thursday 30 July 2009 20:51

How about some chocolate salty balls? ...I'm sorry, I couldn't resist.

zip123 0

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Thursday 30 July 2009 9:18

In the words of Brian Griffin: "Would you like to try my smoked meat log?"

Lost_Girl4 5

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Thursday 30 July 2009 15:17

Lol I love that =D go family guy, I believe Brian got punched in the face for that

kareno1 0

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Thursday 30 July 2009 9:21

not really. all you have to say is: would you like to try the nuts.

lexasaur 0

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Thursday 30 July 2009 9:25

ahaha i'd love to be one of your customers just to give you awkward questions;; "are your nuts salted or unsalted?" "how large are your nuts?" "do your nuts come in an assorted package?" xD