By irony, huh?

Alexa, play "Ironic" by Alanis Morrissette

Today, I got mugged. For an actual mug. FML

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Family values

Rock, hard place

I CAN HEAR YOU

By fmlman - United States - Rawlins

Today, while walking my dog at the park, I spotted my crush and said "Hi!" By not paying attention where I was going, I tripped and fell down. My dog started humping me. FML

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By hunnybaby0319 - United States

Today, I went to pick up my car from where I parked it last night. I walked over to my parking spot only to find a vegetable stand there in its place. Apparently, that's the location of the Saturday Market and they had my car towed. FML

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By boogerbrain - United States

Today, I was looking at my wedding pictures I had just ordered and I tried to flick something off one of the pictures, but it wouldn't come off. In a panic I quickly looked through all of my pictures and realized that I had a booger sticking out of my nose. No one told me. FML

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By signinept - United States

Today, I got really annoyed waiting for a bus that was supposed to come every 10 minutes. After a few minutes of waiting, I realized the "bus stop" was really a no parking sign. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was hanging out at a friend's house. Her adorable 5 year old sister came up, gave me a hug, and said, "You're fat. When are you going home?" FML

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By Ferniferousfern

Today, I went to the dentist for a tooth extraction. Not only were they not able to extract all of it, but after 7 injections, I was still screaming. The best part? Their referral to someone else fell through, so I head back tomorrow to finish the job. FML

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By dead - Canada

Today, my boyfriend of 3 years left me because apparently I'm "too beautiful and he can no longer handle other guys always trying to flirt with me." FML

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By wellhellothere - United States

Today, the fire alarm went off in my dorm. Not only was it 30 degrees outside, but I was in the shower. FML

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By EnemyofKarma - Canada

Today, I marched into my workplace yelling "take this job and shove it", under the impression I would be on a flight in a few days out of here. However, the airline has informed me I cannot fly until April because cargo is too cold for my dog this time of year. Jobless, four weeks to wait. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Diego

Today, the cashier at the local grocery store in my area said that I don't look a day over 40. I'm 28. FML

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By kaitlyna15 - United States - Bellevue

Today, while life-guarding, I had to explain to teenage boys that shoving objects up each others' butts and complaining that someone was giving them anal was inappropriate at a family facility in front of kids under the age of 10. FML

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By joedoe - United States

Today, after a night of partying, I woke up in the middle of my co-ed dorm lobby to the sound of giggles. I was in a thong with $1 monopoly bills sticking out. I'm a guy. FML

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By sam - 11/11/2020 03:03 - United States - Denver

Drama Queen

Today, my daughter lightly bumped her hand on a wall, cried and screamed for 5 minutes, vomited, then passed out. She’s 19. FML

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By Jonas - United States - Wimberley

Today, I realized my paranoia is really bad when I saw my coworker holding a knife and immediately began thinking of ways to keep him from stabbing me. I work in a restaurant kitchen. FML

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By Anon - United States

Today, my boyfriend did the Austin Powers dance/strip-tease while dancing to 'I Touch Myself'. It was cute until he ripped off his shirt and revealed that he'd shaved his chest hair in the shape of a penis. FML

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By boyishgirl - United States - Anchorage

Today, I got to see my best friend for the first time in months. Her first reaction was to say, "Wow, you gained a lot of weight." I actually lost a fair bit. FML

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By Ann - United States

Works out well

Today, my boyfriend informed me that from now on during sex, I have to be on top at all times, saying I need the exercise more than him. As offensive as this was, I was actually happy because he's crap on top. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Loughton

Today, while making out with my boyfriend, I sneezed so hard that my head shot forward and smashed against his, sending his head backwards against the wall. He ended up with a concussion, and I still feel like someone hit me over the head with a chair. FML

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By Charles - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend told me she wanted me to be her first and last...with plenty of people in between. FML

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By ifaisal - Qatar

Today, I was on a date with someone I've had a crush on for a long time. It was after midnight, we were chatting in the car and I was close to having my first kiss ever. That is, until a bunch of policemen popped up to arrest my date for being a suspected drug dealer. FML

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By corgi problems - 15/9/2020 20:05

Doggy dog world

Today, I walked into my house after my nightshift as a nurse and my corgi had the house turned upside down, with things everywhere. I have people coming to look at the house in 2 hours. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/10/2020 07:04 - United Kingdom

Genius, definitely

Today, my boyfriend claims he found a way of spending time with my son without actually spending time with him. They play hide and seek, and for a long time as he shouts, “I’m gonna find you” every few minutes. The game can last over an hour while he watches TV without interruptions. Genius or asshole? FML

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By TheThirdWheel - United States - Grand Rapids

Today, I found out my boyfriend is bringing his friends on our trip. I'm now the third wheel on the romantic trip we've planned for a year. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I had to console my drunk dad over his girlfriend breaking up with him. When he said, "You know why we broke up don't you?" I replied, "Yeah, you were fighting a lot, right?" Wrong. I then had to explain to him that his erectile dysfunction wasn't something to be embarrassed about. FML

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By *sneeze*

Today, it's my wife's birthday. Since I had work, I gave her $200 to spend on herself and left. When I came back with dinner and the movie she wanted, I found her with a dog. She is very attached to him because the shelter was going to put him down. I love him, but I'm allergic to dogs. FML

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By Grad Student

Today, I found out that I have to take a weekly workshop outside of class time all semester, and it's only offered on the day I have the most work hours. I barely make ends meet as it is, but the professor said to figure it out or fail. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was walking around in Target with my friends and the guy I've liked for a long time. As we approached the patio section, I sat down on a chair only to hear a big wet watery sound. I got up and realized that I had just sat in some little kid's diarrhea. FML

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By wtfguys - United States

Today, I got back from a weekend at my best friend's house. Apparently, he and his friend invented a new game. It involves sticking duct tape to their pubic hairs, ripping them out, and sticking as many as possible on my face and body before I wake up. FML

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By kill me - Canada

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me and while trying to make a dramatic exit, I slammed his car door, slipped on the ice and landed on my back in front of a large crowd of onlookers. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I realized my job is so boring that I spend most of my time trying to take a dump than actually working. FML

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By keimA

Today, my new roommate, who seemed to get along with me just fine up until now, has requested to switch to a different room. Apparently, I was making racist comments in my sleep. FML

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By MBoomer

Today, I found a great parking spot but I wasn't sure if it was restricted by any means or of I could just park there for free. I asked a police officer walking by and he told me it was alright, only to come back 4 hours later to find a ticket on my windshield. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my sister and I bought new cell phones. We both wanted the same phone in red, but the guy told us that there was only one red phone left. Flirting with him, I said "You should give the prettier sister the red phone." My new phone is black. FML

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By WeezysBaby - Canada

Today, I was going through my old MSN conversations. I then realized that when I first got MSN, I didn't know that messages you sent after people went offline would be delivered to them when they signed in. I used to type 'I love you' to my crush after every time he went offline. FML

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By #goodbyelife - United States

Today, my mom texted me and asked what I was up to. In response, I joked, "Dancing on the dining room table, waving dad's Calvin Klein's in the air, and shooting bullets into her bedroom floor." Not only did the cops show up, but now I'm grounded for two weeks for being, "deceptively believable." FML

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By not invited - United States - Appleton

Today, a close friend told me she had no plans for her birthday. I found out she was lying when I had to serve her and 9 other mutual friends dinner at the restaurant I work at. I don't know what's worse, the fact that I wasn't invited or that none of them even remembered that I worked there. FML

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By jasmine

Today, my daughter is 16 hours-old and cries every time I pick her up, and refuses to be breast fed. She loves sleeping peacefully in her dad’s arms, and being bottle-fed by him. My 16 hour-old baby hates me. FML

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By Jack00412 - United States - Montague

Today, I walked outside to find my 3 year old daughter and her pet fish playing together on the swings. FML

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By SailorVenus93

Giddy approval!

Today, I got so ecstatic about getting approved for a credit card that I made myself sick. I guess my first ever purchase will be TUMS and some Ginger Ale. FML

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By gotmon3y - United States

Today, I was at the beach walking on the boardwalk without a shirt on. Two cute girls are walking my way and I decide to try and impress them by flexing my abs. While I flexed them, I accidentally let a fart out that everyone heard. Everybody, including the girls, laughed hysterically at me. FML

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Top comments

By RichardPencil | 28

#7852743 - Monday 21 October 2019 2:24

You should report that to the cops. Maybe you could go down to the precinct to see if you can identify his...

...wait on it...

...wait on it...

...mug shot.

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7852887 - Monday 21 October 2019 17:15

You mug.

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 28

#7852655 - Sunday 20 October 2019 17:58

I love literal people!

I bought apples at the grocery store and excitedly told the cashier, "I finally get to use Apple Pay!"

By mfranks19891989 | 10

#7852685 - Sunday 20 October 2019 21:36

The mugger needed your mug for coffee. Hopefully he iris he’s it up ( added whiskey for those who don’t know what that is)

By RichardPencil | 28

#7852743 - Monday 21 October 2019 2:24

You should report that to the cops. Maybe you could go down to the precinct to see if you can identify his...

...wait on it...

...wait on it...

...mug shot.

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7852887 - Monday 21 October 2019 17:15

You mug.