Today, at my job as a fast food manager, I saw one of my employees...

By mcmanager - 11/8/2014 14:18 - United States - San Francisco

Today, at my job as a fast food manager, I saw one of my employees "trying to pick the bugs out" of our cookies. They were the raisins in them. FML

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Work

Understandable

Family values

Deep-seated resentment

By Squashed - 15/8/2009 06:13 - United States

Today, my 250 pound boyfriend was on top of me while we were making out. I actually passed out in the middle of it from not being able to breathe. FML

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By Isabell - 6/2/2010 05:31 - Australia

Today, my soon-to-be mother-in-law walked in on me masturbating, in my own house. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/2/2014 16:32 - United States - Carbondale

Today, I ran into my favorite teacher from high school, the one that really inspired me to become one myself. I told her that I'm in my last year of college preparing to become a teacher, to which she replied, "Wow, they really are letting anyone have a crack at being a teacher these days." FML

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By Schrewt - 24/1/2010 08:50 - France

Today, my friends and I went camping. In the middle of the night, they carried me deep into the forest and left me there. I stepped on a beehive as I walked back to the tent. FML

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By tb351 - 28/5/2011 23:37 - United States

Today, I asked my kids if I looked good before going to work. Smiling, they told me I looked wonderful. It wasn't until I got to work and looked into the mirror until I noticed my left eyebrow was gone. FML

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By Tank - 16/7/2016 23:14 - Canada

Today, my roommate is being evicted. Since we had some very good memories together I was sad to come home and see all of her stuff gone...and half of my stuff, too. FML

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By parker1993 - 3/2/2011 18:53 - United States

Today, while waiting for a job interview, a woman sat down next to me and asked if I was here for the job too. Thinking she was also an applicant, I tried to demoralise her, and said the job was going to be a complete joke. With that, she stood up and said, "Do you still want to go into my office?" She was the interviewer. FML

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By GN - 17/9/2012 04:47 - United States - New York

Today, I got stopped by the fuzz. The officer told me he "could care less" about my excuses. He was probably about to let me go without a ticket, but my inner Grammar Nazi kicked in and I explained why he meant to say "couldn't care less." I got the ticket. FML

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By pist off - 5/3/2018 19:00

Classy.

Today, I felt rain on my face. I looked up and saw a man peeing off a hot air balloon. FML

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By what the fuck - 7/6/2013 21:20 - United Kingdom - Northolt

Today, my boyfriend and I were about to get intimate for the first time. He said he didn't want to use a condom, and that I should just give him one of my birth control pills instead, "so we can still be just as safe". What the hell? FML

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By Cate - 5/11/2009 10:25 - Australia

Today, I've had no sleep. Why? Because my housemate has a new girlfriend and the walls are too thin. After round three of them shagging, I was exhausted from holding my breath each time the new girlfriend screamed. I also realised that was the closest I'd been to sex in months. FML

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By therosalina - 1/10/2018 10:30 - United States - Duluth

Today, my dad moved my car onto the street so he wouldn't accidentally back into it while moving our boat. My neighbor backed into it instead. FML

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By S. Bauer - 2/11/2011 13:50 - Portugal

Today, I yelled at my boyfriend for smoking in the house, because I didn't want the house to smell like smoke. While doing so, I knocked over a candle and lit the couch on fire. FML

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By ahhnotoy - 27/4/2009 02:29 - United States

Today, I bought a box of Fruit Loops. When I got home, I noticed a free prize would be in the box. I sifted through the box, looking for the small toy. It wasn't in there. I don't know what is more sad, the fact that I got ripped off by a children's cereal or that I'm 21 and upset by it. FML

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By 44magnumtime - 6/8/2012 17:57 - Canada - Oakville

Today, some new people moved into the house next door to mine. The previous occupants were very loud and obnoxious day in and day out, so I was looking forward to some sanity. When I went outside, I noticed they'd parked their cars on my lawn. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/12/2018 14:00

Today, we had our busiest day at work all year with lots of angry people calling, and a co-worker called in sick. I went to my local game shop after work, exhausted and upset, and guess who was at his usual table running a Dungeons and Dragons group, apparently not too sick to go out. Yeah. FML

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By MelanieP - 29/8/2009 03:39 - United States

Today, I got a prank call. I now wish he'd call back so I can actually talk to someone. FML

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By Noname - 6/2/2009 19:23 - United States

Today, my mom decided to tell me about her new boyfriend. I know him. I've slept with him. FML

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By LostFocus - 11/12/2009 11:11 - United States

Today, after five months of working overtime and doing my own repairs around the house, such as patching my own roof to save money, I walk into my home office. I find my $2500, week old, top of the line laptop won't turn on because it's drenched in water. Apparently there's a leak in the roof. FML

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By slightlyslow - 2/7/2009 20:33 - United States

Today, while watching The Many Adventures of Winnie-the-Pooh with my 5 year old, I realized why the kangaroo's name is Kanga, and why her son's name is Roo. Kanga-Roo. Get it? Yeah. I didn't until today. I'm 47. FML

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By Justincredible69 - 29/6/2015 20:29 - United States

Today, I was legitimately sick so I called in to work. Apparently, 4 other guys on my line called in too. My boss thought we planned it. Now we're all written up. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/12/2010 17:08 - United States

Today, while on my honeymoon with my new wife, I tried to be romantic by installing a clapper to the lights in our room. As things progressed, the noise of our love making triggered the lights on and off repeatedly. She began to laugh and we ended up just calling it an early night. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/11/2009 21:59 - United States

Today, my boyfriend gave me a bucket of Twizzlers for our 1 year anniversary because 'he knew I liked them.' He has no idea why I am so upset. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/11/2013 00:10 - Australia - Ascot Vale

Today, I introduced my girlfriend to my parents, despite my long-standing protests. Over the next hour, they asked her if she'd ever considered becoming a swinger, why not, if she'd ever consider it in future, and to keep them in mind if she does. FML

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By ILoveAnimals - 11/6/2012 07:14 - Austria - Vienna

Today, I went to the circus with my family. When we were looking at the animals during the break, an elephant took my purse with his trunk and ate it. It crushed my cellphone, camera, keys and wallet. After that, the circus director yelled at me for feeding poisonous stuff to his elephant. FML

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By axel519 - 31/12/2011 02:43 - United States

Today, my girlfriend decided to raid my games collection and try her hand at Amnesia: The Dark Descent. Two hours later, despite my best attempts to make her stop shrieking like a dying crackhead every two minutes, two cops showed up at the door with our neighbors in tow. FML

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By fuckingjesusgran - 7/5/2013 22:13 - Bosnia and Herzegovina - Sarajevo

Today, while driving my grandma home from a family dinner, I had to pull into a gas station, because my tank was almost empty. She became convinced that someone would kidnap her while I went to pay, and eventually threatened to blow us up by tossing her lighter at the gas pumps. FML

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By mottephobe - 6/11/2015 06:19 - United States - Carlsbad

Today, after days of cleaning out pantry cabinets and throwing away infested food, I thought I had finally gotten rid of my moth problem. Then I vacuumed, and saw several dozen larvae coming out of my carpet. FML

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By TKPhai - 5/4/2015 03:06 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my parents, my aunt and her husband went out to dinner. There, my aunt told us that she was pregnant, and out of instinct, I asked her who the father is. FML

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By FlatFoot - 5/10/2017 07:00 - United States - New York

Move, bitch! Get out the way!

Today, my dad ran over my foot with his work truck. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/5/2019 00:14

Today, I was touching myself in my room. Just as I hit the climax, my mom walked in because she heard me making noises and thought I was having a nightmare. FML

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By Keira - 27/3/2019 22:00

Today, the modeling program I'm required to use for school started inexplicably crashing. Reinstalling doesn't even fix it. The company that owns the software doesn't provide students with tech support, and my teacher just told me I won't pass if I can't fix it. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/6/2009 18:57 - Canada

Today, I saw a drunk guy hitting on a girl sitting alone at the bar. She insisted that her boyfriend was there, but he didn't relent. So I went over and put my arm around her and asked "Who's this guy?" He walked away, but then I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was her boyfriend. He broke my arm. FML

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By lame - 31/12/2010 05:02 - Canada

Today, I ate a chocolate bar before getting my morning coffee. While waiting for it, a good looking guy starts talking to me, then suddenly loses interest. Afterwards, I see the chocolate on my face in my car mirror. FML

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By peevedMcGee - 23/11/2018 17:30

Today, my cat pooped on the floor. After cleaning it up, I’m fairly certain it was not my cat but instead my roommate, who I also suspect is pooping in the litter box. FML

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By tm - 18/7/2012 05:06 - United States - Madisonville

Today, I went to the emergency room with chest pain. I didn't have a heart attack, but I now have a broken nose after passing out and face-planting in the waiting room. FML

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By ILTali - 3/3/2009 23:00 - United States

Today, I was at a party and we were all playing Seven Minutes in Heaven. It was my crush's turn to spin the bottle so my heart started pounding. The bottle pointed towards me! Then my crush said, "With her it'd be 'Seven Minutes in Hell'. Just skip me." FML

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By wish.was.single - 25/1/2012 18:33 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend kept whining at me, asking why I wouldn't have sex with him, seemingly not caring that my parents were in the room. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/3/2009 13:05 - Austria

Today, I was outside searching for "treasures" with my son using small plastic shovels. All of a sudden he starts screaming. He dug up the bones of our old dog. I told him that we had sent him away to live on a farm, I even helped my son write letters to the farm owners. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/9/2011 13:55 - Australia

Today, I was expecting my period. To avoid the embarrassment of everyone in the office finding out, instead of putting tampons in my bag, I hid one in my bra. It fell out while I was coming back from lunch. I am now known to all as "The Tampon Dispenser". FML

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Top comments

By Hunthas | 17

#6034198 - Monday 11 August 2014 19:08

I think I would rather have bugs in my food than raisins :D

By Marie54321 | 19

#6034204 - Monday 11 August 2014 19:09

Raisins in cookies are the reasons why I have trust issues

COMMENTS

By Hunthas | 17

#6034198 - Monday 11 August 2014 19:08

I think I would rather have bugs in my food than raisins :D

orphanclubber | 8

#6034215 - Monday 11 August 2014 19:18

You don't just let it slide if someone Is attractive I hope you are joking

PsychoOtaku | 7

#6034219 - Monday 11 August 2014 19:20

I actually love oatmeal raisin cookies, but they are no match for chocolate chip.

King_Nero | 15

#6034220 - Monday 11 August 2014 19:21

14- I really hope you're joking... Looks do not excuse being stupid or a bad employee.

pjsr | 32

#6034244 - Monday 11 August 2014 19:36

Even if it was a joke, it wasn't funny

zarosian | 17

#6034280 - Monday 11 August 2014 20:11

Lmfao this is the type of person that votes for a person if they are attractive or not.

By MaddyLannister | 8

#6034199 - Monday 11 August 2014 19:08

aham, you just spotted an alien.

1dvs_bstd | 41

#6034235 - Monday 11 August 2014 19:28

what?

mallu86 | 9

#6034256 - Monday 11 August 2014 19:52

Ok, man in black.

I_cant_think | 10

#6034456 - Tuesday 12 August 2014 0:12

Who's ham?

By soulreaper12296 | 28

#6034201 - Monday 11 August 2014 19:09

Wouldn't blame him. I hate raisins in cookies. Although I probably wouldn't be calling them "bugs".

By ladoom | 23

#6034202 - Monday 11 August 2014 19:09

He wanted raisins.

False_Stupidity | 41

#6034949 - Tuesday 12 August 2014 8:46

He was probably after a raise-in.

By Demonface54 | 20

#6034203 - Monday 11 August 2014 19:09

Raisin cookies taste awful anyway

By Marie54321 | 19

#6034204 - Monday 11 August 2014 19:09

Raisins in cookies are the reasons why I have trust issues

AnyaS | 19

#6034329 - Monday 11 August 2014 21:59

That would be awesome on a button or a shirt.

Cas88 | 8

#6034621 - Tuesday 12 August 2014 2:47

You're so clever using a quote probably read from a meme off Memedroid...

paigexox0 | 37

#6034674 - Tuesday 12 August 2014 3:46

Its straight from tumblr haha

shay_serendipity | 29

#6034712 - Tuesday 12 August 2014 4:26

While your comment is funny and relevant, no points for lack of originality. Honestly though, I've seen that on Tumblr at least a million times :/

Marie54321 | 19

#6034804 - Tuesday 12 August 2014 5:20

Good for you #78 and #80, you figured out the internet

By vikky538 | 28

#6034205 - Monday 11 August 2014 19:10

wow.. you have got great employees working for you..

vikky538 | 28

#6034742 - Tuesday 12 August 2014 4:34

lol i totally forget that...

By Zanelle | 2

#6034206 - Monday 11 August 2014 19:10

gracehi | 31

#6034255 - Monday 11 August 2014 19:48

What a creative, interesting, and well thought out comment.

rosheno | 4

#6034299 - Monday 11 August 2014 20:43

41, the irony in that comment isn't going unnoticed.

By Pleonasm | 34

#6034207 - Monday 11 August 2014 19:10

The employee shouldn't need an excuse for riding the world of the atrocity that is raisin cookies. Fuck raisins.

Pleonasm | 34

#6034243 - Monday 11 August 2014 19:34

ridding*

Shit.

asnakelovinbabe | 16

#6034337 - Monday 11 August 2014 22:06

Am I the only one who freaking LOVES oatmeal raising cookies...?

Xquisite1 | 28

#6034638 - Tuesday 12 August 2014 3:01

#66 Well once oatmeal is done "raising" cookies, I hope oatmeal can afford to send them to college.

By silveronica5 | 12

#6034208 - Monday 11 August 2014 19:12

It might've been a joke? I'm not sure but I'm hoping it was