Work: Today, at my job as a fast food manager, I saw one of my employees...

By mcmanager - United States - San Francisco

Today, at my job as a fast food manager, I saw one of my employees "trying to pick the bugs out" of our cookies. They were the raisins in them. FML

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Work

Sorry…

Some winners…

In-laws, in-fighting

By stupdude3 - United States

Today, I learned a valuable lesson: Make sure you learn to swim at a very young age, or else you might end up a in a swimming class with a bunch 3 and 4 year-olds, taught by your crush. FML

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By Lapis - United States

Today, I woke up to a quite frigid room, which wasn't out of the ordinary since my building's heat is broken. But I realized that the extra cold I was feeling was due to the snow piled up on my bed. It had snowed 20 inches last night. My mom had apparently opened my window. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I was having lunch with my sister and my mother. While my mom was busy ordering food, my sister said to me, "look at this face I can make!" and she grossly contorted her face so that she had a double chin. My mother looked over and said to her, "stop making fun of your sister!" FML

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By Username - France

Today, I found out that while getting your hair cut, you should say 'yes' or 'no', instead of nodding your head. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I went to check if my neighbours were home to return their dog, having looked after her for a few days. I looked in the window and the place was empty. They'd moved house and stuck us with their dog. FML

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By JinsNeck.exe - 19/1/2021 19:02 - United Kingdom - Blackpool

Toodles

Today, after knowing my friendship group for 9 years, who were like my family, I found out that they actually hate me and have been trying to get me to go away for 5 years. When I left, they laughed at me, argued with me and their exact last words were, "K bye" and then kicked me out. FML

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By whatthef - United States

Today, I found out that my fifty-five year old uncle had taken my phone and texted my girlfriend saying "I'm his uncle, send tit pics." She did. FML

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By needabettermirror - United States - Holland

Today, I spent twenty minutes looking in the mirror trying to remove a blackhead from my chin. It was a freckle. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Drunken antics

Today, after a 4 or 5 month-long dry spell, I woke up next to an amazing and beautiful woman. Neither of us were wearing pants. She looked me in the eyes and said, "Did I piss the bed?" FML

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By scarred

Today, I saw a naked woman for the first time. Too bad it was my 73-year-old grandmother, who was doing gymnastics in the nude. I can’t unsee this. FML

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By shittysituation - United States - Milpitas

Today, I came back from break to find that my roommate had been shitting in the bathtub for the entire 2 weeks I had been gone. FML

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By JRLJLS - United States - Lehigh Acres

Today, I had phone sex with my boyfriend. He had an asthma attack. FML

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By arse of fire :( - United Kingdom - Slough

Today, I was struck down with horrible diarrhea. With barely any toilet paper left, I texted my husband to buy some more and rush home. He replied, "Sorry babe, getting shitfaced with the lads. Get it? 'Shitfaced'. LOL!" and stopped replying to my desperate pleas. FML

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By ouchmyeye - United States

Today, as I was sleeping I heard something bang on my door. I walked on my balcony only to find my boyfriend throwing rocks trying to wake me. He didn't see me and threw a rock right into my eye. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend of over a year told me that he will never marry me because we are different ethnicities and his parents don't approve. I was of course very upset and crying. His way to comfort me was by saying, "Don't worry, I will always cheat on my wife with you." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Burnsville

Today, my son had to call me from his school's principal's office because he was disrupting his health class by laughing whenever the teacher said "sex". My son is 16. FML

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By homeless4Christmas - New Zealand

Today, I flew my wife, myself and three kids to pay a surprise visit to my parents who were going to be alone for Christmas. When we arrived, we found out they decided to go on vacation. We have nowhere to go. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, the manager that hired me and worked for years to inspire and connect her staff was laid to rest. Hours before the funeral, her replacement told me he wanted my 2 weeks notice on his desk tonight. I've been a model employee, he just doesn't like me. FML

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By luh8r - Canada

Today, while teaching swimming to a bunch of five year olds, one particularly bratty girl decided she didn't want to swim and lead the entire class to strike, leaving the pool empty and me without a job. Apparently I was teaching the next world tyrant to swim. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was out clubbing. My girlfriend went to get us drinks, so I danced alone while I waited. Some girl with hideous meth mouth, who was clearly tripping balls, started harassing and groping me and got all three of us kicked out when my girlfriend returned and beat the hell out of her. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Tempe

Today, I overheard my brother telling his friend that having sex with a girl who's on the pill gives the guy female hormones and "turns you into like, half-chick, half-dude." He was serious. How am I related to this moron? FML

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By Kimel - France - Vincent

Today, my eldest daughter announced she was getting divorced. She never even told me she was married. FML

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By yankeebelle - United States

OK Stephanie, whatever

Today, a co-worker superior to me called me "Stephanie" yet again. My name is Ashley. I politely informed her that my name is Ashley and subtly pointed to my work ID. Later, I get called into my supervisor's office. I got written up for correcting someone of higher status than me. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Regina

Today, my older brother managed to convince my younger sister that she's actually a boy, and that she'll soon be getting a penis in the mail, which she excitedly told everyone she could. He convinced me of the exact same thing as well several years ago. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, at the mall my brother and I went to look at a vendor's items when my mom said not to touch anything. Thinking my brother was standing next to me, I saw him touching stuff so I smacked him in the arm and told him to stop. I turn to see that the old lady to my side was giving me a mean look. FML

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By ShylaMarie - Canada

Today, I had to chase my naked brothers around my house for twenty minutes, trying to get them to take a bath, all while they were chasing my best friend around yelling, "IT'S WIENER TIME!" FML

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By anon - United States

Today, when my boyfriend and I were getting intimate, I got a nose bleed. He gave me a shirt to plug it with and kept going. FML

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By milkymoo - Cyprus

Today, I was catching the bus to my new job. While waiting at the lights, I decided to play the staring game and ended up staring at a woman in the car next to the bus for ages, really creeping her out. It turns out she's my new boss. FML

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By sting

Winds of change

Today, I stepped on a glue trap for scorpions. Bare foot. There was a scorpion already caught on it. It wasn't dead. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Las Vegas

Today, for the first time in a while I decided to wear a skirt. Everytime I sit down my thighs trap air and make a farting sound. FML

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By notsohot - United States

Today, I was walking when I heard a car horn honk. I looked up to see a hot guy giving me a thumbs up. As he got a better look at me, he made a disgusted face and flipped his hand so he was giving me a thumbs down. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while working the drive-through, a woman ordered a large coffee with four creams. I handed her the coffee, and she took a sip. She then hurled it at me, screaming, "I said four creams, not five!" and sped off, leaving me drenched in hot coffee. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/2/2021 23:01

One each

Today, my girlfriend was in the back seat of a car with one of my friends when she got sick and puked all over one of his dress shoes. My friend then asked me to replace his shoes, since she is technically unemployed and couldn't pay him back. We eventually agreed that I would pay for one shoe. FML

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By theflasher - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, a woman who works in the clinic across the road told me that my glass isn't frosted enough and she and all her patients can see me when I shower. FML

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By Ren - United States

Today, I was at work, the Disney Store. A little boy was crying so I went over to him. After talking to him for a little while I found out he couldn't find his mother. When he became comfortable I went to help him stand up, he choked back his tears and then puked all over me from the waist down. FML

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By Just..why

Today, I ran a mile for my gym class. While I managed to cut two minutes off my time, a few minutes later I felt dizzy and nauseous, which I thought was because I pushed myself too hard. I collapsed and vomited in front of everyone. Not a single person moved to help me. Not even the teacher. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I forgot to bring my lunch to work. I got so hungry, I resorted to eating antacid tablets from the medicine cabinet for lunch. FML

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By Awkward - United States

Today, my boyfriend took me to meet his friends at one of his exclusive "clubs." Expecting it to be his old friends from college, I agreed to go. Apparently, I've been dating a member of the Ku Klux Klan for 2 years. FML

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By poor excuse for a father

Today, my wife is out of the country so my daughter asked me for help. She'd tried waxing her "private bits" but it hurt too much so she left the strip stuck down there for nearly two days. I was so unable to handle the situation, I called my wife crying and begging her to come home and deal with it. FML

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By burrrito_ - United States - Crystal Lake

Today, I found out why you depressurize your espresso maker before changing out the coffee grinds. FML

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Top comments

By Hunthas | 17

#6034198 - Monday 11 August 2014 19:08

I think I would rather have bugs in my food than raisins :D

By Marie54321 | 19

#6034204 - Monday 11 August 2014 19:09

Raisins in cookies are the reasons why I have trust issues

COMMENTS

By Hunthas | 17

#6034198 - Monday 11 August 2014 19:08

I think I would rather have bugs in my food than raisins :D

orphanclubber | 8

#6034215 - Monday 11 August 2014 19:18

You don't just let it slide if someone Is attractive I hope you are joking

PsychoOtaku | 7

#6034219 - Monday 11 August 2014 19:20

I actually love oatmeal raisin cookies, but they are no match for chocolate chip.

King_Nero | 15

#6034220 - Monday 11 August 2014 19:21

14- I really hope you're joking... Looks do not excuse being stupid or a bad employee.

pjsr | 32

#6034244 - Monday 11 August 2014 19:36

Even if it was a joke, it wasn't funny

zarosian | 17

#6034280 - Monday 11 August 2014 20:11

Lmfao this is the type of person that votes for a person if they are attractive or not.

By MaddyLannister | 8

#6034199 - Monday 11 August 2014 19:08

aham, you just spotted an alien.

1dvs_bstd | 41

#6034235 - Monday 11 August 2014 19:28

what?

mallu86 | 9

#6034256 - Monday 11 August 2014 19:52

Ok, man in black.

I_cant_think | 10

#6034456 - Tuesday 12 August 2014 0:12

Who's ham?

By soulreaper12296 | 28

#6034201 - Monday 11 August 2014 19:09

Wouldn't blame him. I hate raisins in cookies. Although I probably wouldn't be calling them "bugs".

By ladoom | 23

#6034202 - Monday 11 August 2014 19:09

He wanted raisins.

False_Stupidity | 41

#6034949 - Tuesday 12 August 2014 8:46

He was probably after a raise-in.

By Demonface54 | 20

#6034203 - Monday 11 August 2014 19:09

Raisin cookies taste awful anyway

By Marie54321 | 19

#6034204 - Monday 11 August 2014 19:09

Raisins in cookies are the reasons why I have trust issues

AnyaS | 19

#6034329 - Monday 11 August 2014 21:59

That would be awesome on a button or a shirt.

Cas88 | 8

#6034621 - Tuesday 12 August 2014 2:47

You're so clever using a quote probably read from a meme off Memedroid...

paigexox0 | 37

#6034674 - Tuesday 12 August 2014 3:46

Its straight from tumblr haha

shay_serendipity | 29

#6034712 - Tuesday 12 August 2014 4:26

While your comment is funny and relevant, no points for lack of originality. Honestly though, I've seen that on Tumblr at least a million times :/

Marie54321 | 19

#6034804 - Tuesday 12 August 2014 5:20

Good for you #78 and #80, you figured out the internet

By vikky538 | 28

#6034205 - Monday 11 August 2014 19:10

wow.. you have got great employees working for you..

vikky538 | 28

#6034742 - Tuesday 12 August 2014 4:34

lol i totally forget that...

By Zanelle | 2

#6034206 - Monday 11 August 2014 19:10

gracehi | 31

#6034255 - Monday 11 August 2014 19:48

What a creative, interesting, and well thought out comment.

rosheno | 4

#6034299 - Monday 11 August 2014 20:43

41, the irony in that comment isn't going unnoticed.

By Pleonasm | 34

#6034207 - Monday 11 August 2014 19:10

The employee shouldn't need an excuse for riding the world of the atrocity that is raisin cookies. Fuck raisins.

Pleonasm | 34

#6034243 - Monday 11 August 2014 19:34

ridding*

Shit.

asnakelovinbabe | 16

#6034337 - Monday 11 August 2014 22:06

Am I the only one who freaking LOVES oatmeal raising cookies...?

Xquisite1 | 28

#6034638 - Tuesday 12 August 2014 3:01

#66 Well once oatmeal is done "raising" cookies, I hope oatmeal can afford to send them to college.

By silveronica5 | 12

#6034208 - Monday 11 August 2014 19:12

It might've been a joke? I'm not sure but I'm hoping it was