Health: Today, I needed to buy Vagisil. I went to the grocery store so... - FML

By Anonymous - 31/07/2009 21:05 - United States

Today, I needed to buy Vagisil. I went to the grocery store so I could use the self check-out. My item rung up incorrectly, so a girl came to help. She was new and having trouble, so she called more people to help. I ended up having five people around me talking about my Vagisil purchase. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 156

You deserved it 4 541

You tried

Classic sting

This is war!

By Anonymous - 15/12/2009 14:49 - United States

Today, I went to a movie with a girl I went to high school with. There was a preview for an upcoming 3D movie. I asked her if she had ever seen a 3D movie before. She told me she couldn't because she is blind in one eye. Apparently it's a "sensitive subject." FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 466

You deserved it 4 851

By Anonymous - 09/03/2012 00:30 - Canada

Today, my husband and I got into a fight because I refused to let him use my finger nail to clean the plaque off his teeth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 745

You deserved it 2 940

By hatemyjob - 05/11/2009 09:44 - Australia

Today, I found out that the new receptionist earns more than I do. I'm an undergraduate accountant and I've been working there for 2 years. Oh and I started out as the receptionist before I got a "promotion". FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 681

You deserved it 2 473

By livay315 - 08/04/2009 20:08 - United States

Today, my daughter's school was putting on a fashion show for charity and all the kids were supposed to ask their mothers to be in it. I asked my daughter about it and she said "well I was going to ask you, but they said only to 'ask all of your BEAUTIFUL mommies." FML

I agree, your life sucks 74 796

You deserved it 4 103

By Anonymous - 29/01/2014 21:04 - United Kingdom - Wrexham

Spicy

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend, and I really started getting into it. I said, "Hang on tight, this is gonna get intense." She replied, "Doubt it" and yawned. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 163

You deserved it 18 873

By JacktheRussian - 08/04/2013 00:33 - United States

Today, I saw a very attractive young woman struggling with some boxes. The seduction attempt resulted in me carrying 60lbs of items for 30mins. When we got to her apartment, she thanked me and introduced me to her boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 930

You deserved it 42 288

By reginaphalange - 27/05/2010 14:06 - Australia

Today, I found out that my best friend was having a birthday party and I wasn't invited. I had just finished planning a surprise party for her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 749

You deserved it 3 309

By Insomnia - 16/02/2019 00:00

Today, while trying to sleep after a night shift, workers came to hook up city sewage service, firing up drills and shouting. An hour later, my child woke me up to tattle on her sister. Just as I was drifting to sleep yet again, the smoke alarm battery started chirping. I give up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 253

You deserved it 206

By JT - 12/04/2011 14:19 - Canada

Today, I saw my unemployed 29-year-old son, who still lives with us, reading the work section of the newspaper and prayed that he was looking for a job. He was looking for the comics. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 213

You deserved it 13 379

By Annie - 01/11/2018 22:15

Today, the CEO of my company told me the only reason I'm being sent to this huge tech conference is because the company will look better with a girl there. I'm expected to stay out until 4am with creepy rich business partners to stroke their egos. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 234

You deserved it 232

By Why Me? - 31/01/2013 09:07 - United States - Scranton

Today, I found out that I have a highly irrational fear of little people. I made this self discovery when my mother introduced the family to her new fiancé. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 462

You deserved it 5 263

By nimrod23 - 18/10/2009 09:28 - Australia

Today, as I was walking home late at night, some asshole threw a lit cigarette butt out of their balcony. It fell between my glasses and my eye and left a burn mark on my cheek. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 985

You deserved it 2 510

By Anonymous - 19/08/2011 04:11 - United States

Today, I took a taxi to my hotel. I specifically said that my destination was the Hilton resort. He took me to a bed and breakfast across town. When I finally got to my hotel, I cursed him out and didn't give him a tip. I then realized I'd left my phone in the taxi after he left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 466

You deserved it 26 183

By :| - 12/09/2013 22:27 - Sweden - V?llingby

Today, I realized that what I thought for years was my country's National Anthem, is actually the theme song of a TV show. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 142

You deserved it 57 555

By Susan - 28/02/2012 11:55 - Canada

Today, I farted in front of my husband. It somehow turned into a farting war. Then I realized this is the closest we've come to intimacy in a week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 895

You deserved it 6 809

I'm trying!

By Anonymous - 15/06/2021 02:01

Today, I was trying to exercise to lose weight but I got terrible bloating. Turns out that’s a common response, because the body thinks it’s being stressed. This is right after being diagnosed with allergies to some vegetables. I’m trying to be healthy, I swear. My body won’t let me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 790

You deserved it 82

By Anonymous - 11/01/2013 19:47 - United States - Simi Valley

Today, one of my paintings was accepted into a local art gallery. It would've been a dream come true, had my "best friend" not submitted it under her own name and taken all the credit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 271

You deserved it 3 015

By 117halo12345 - 17/12/2015 21:37 - United States - Sedgewickville

Today, I was showing my 4 year old some of my fire magic tricks. I ended up getting 2nd degree burns on my left hand and burnt off half of her hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 261

You deserved it 21 631

What? Why? How?

By naas1201 - 03/03/2021 02:01

Today, a girl told me, "You're so cute, like a monkey." I seriously don't know if it's a compliment or if I'm being insulted. FML

I agree, your life sucks 733

You deserved it 81

By kallens - 17/01/2009 20:57 - United States

Today, I was putting a wristband on a little boy's wrist so he could swim in the waterpark. Just before I finished, he coughed all over my hands and arms. I finished and looked up at the boy just in time for us to make eye contact and for him to cough directly into my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 717

You deserved it 2 508

By shitberries - 25/12/2015 16:00 - United States - Jefferson City

Today, I tried dying my hair blonde. I put my hair in a bun and waited for it to dye. I guess I did something wrong, because my hair is now 4 different shades of blonde/orange, along with patches of my natural black hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 053

You deserved it 11 899

By 19kwhatever - 09/05/2013 01:22 - United States - Mount Vernon

Today, I told my family I'm going shopping with my friend "Emma". My sister's been teasing me about this saying, "Emma can't exist! She's not real! You don't have any friends." She's right. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 750

You deserved it 14 428

By Tom - 25/11/2010 13:28

Today, a car hit me. I didn't get hurt, but someone called 911. The old woman who had hit me got out of the car with no problem to look at me, and gets back into the car. When the police arrive, she pulls out crutches and said I made strange faces and made her hit me. I got blamed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 094

You deserved it 2 566

By that was mine - 15/05/2015 22:26 - United States - Cherry Hill

Today, my mom cleaned out my bank account, saying my "no-good dad" owes her child support and that she'll get it one way or another. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 778

You deserved it 2 316

By Jordan - 30/04/2011 19:52 - United States

Today, my favorite song came on and I started playing the air guitar and head banging to it. I didn't realize just how close I was to the chair next to me and went face first into the metal back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 273

You deserved it 37 350

By t2t2sync - 03/08/2011 01:47 - United States

Today, while leaving work, I noticed a woman struggling with her wheelchair. Trying to be kind, I grabbed the handles and began to push her. A few moments later, the front wheels caught on something and I ended up dumping her onto the ground. Now my coworkers all think I'm a huge douche. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 477

You deserved it 5 683

By cargaljen - 07/08/2011 05:29 - United States

Today, while watching tv at my mother's house, a tornado warning came across the screen. After being in the dark nasty basement for half an hour, my mom realizes she was watching a recorded show, and that tornado warning was for 2 weeks ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 091

You deserved it 5 033

By Anonymous - 21/05/2015 20:41 - United States

Today, I waited tables for the first time at my new restaurant job. I asked a group of older men what they would like. One replied, "A slice of that ass". I'm 19 and a guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 917

You deserved it 3 241

By fffemaleee - 31/05/2015 18:21 - United States - Waterford

Today, my phone got stolen at church. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 195

You deserved it 3 938

By fatteningmeup - 26/05/2011 14:24 - United States

Today, I found out my mom intentionally puts extra butter and oil in the food she cooks for me because she wants me to be fatter than her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 330

You deserved it 3 781

By suspended - 31/07/2016 15:39 - United States - Grand Blanc

Today, I had to give an important presentation, so I checked it over one last time before taking a shower and heading out. I found out too late that my brother used that window of opportunity to replace the entire document with the N-word repeating over and over again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 943

You deserved it 2 057

By Unlucky - 25/07/2012 13:03 - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, I went on a fifth date with a guy, and he asked me if we could be boyfriend and girlfriend. Just after I said yes, he pulled out a contract and asked me to sign on the dotted line. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 797

You deserved it 3 609

By Money Shot - 15/07/2018 06:00

Spicy

Today, I was sunbathing by my pool, totally naked. After a while I got a boner and decided to jerk off. As I was about to finish, I rolled over to cum on the deck, but when I rolled back, my elderly neighbor yelled, "Don't do that in the open if you won’t give up the money shot." FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 261

You deserved it 8 905

By ismerf19 - 22/12/2010 00:05

Today, I was working in a restaurant. On the receipt under "tip" someone actually took the time to write out "$0.00." FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 387

You deserved it 7 345

By riddick0846 - 12/12/2010 07:29 - United States

Today, I accidentally ran over a squirrel on the road. I was late for work so I didn't stop. Later, someone keyed the word PETA into the side of my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 716

You deserved it 13 160

By Anonymous - 18/04/2015 16:45 - United States - Oakland

Today, I went to the dentist for the first time in years. His first comment upon inspecting my teeth: "Meth. Hell of a drug." FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 944

You deserved it 11 556

By Sugar - 22/11/2008 11:51 - United Kingdom

Today, British Telecom disconnected my landline by mistake. Their call centre in India tried to reach me. Result, they spoke to an unknown gentleman, who told them he didn't need a phone line at my address. Reconnection in 2 business days. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 531

You deserved it 2 255

By Anonymous - 12/04/2013 21:35 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, for the first time, I told my girlfriend of two months that I love her. She broke down in laughter and mockingly asked, "What are you, some kind of queer?" I could've sworn she was mentally older than a 5-year-old when I asked her out. I guess not. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 264

You deserved it 12 150

GHOSTS!

By Anonymous - 06/07/2021 05:01 - United States - Gladwyne

Today, my mother interrogated me about the duct tape, that I'd put on my foot for a wart, having fallen off. I tried to explain that my foot was just sweaty. She responded by arguing that the duct tape falling off was a "supernatural event". I really wish I could afford my own place. FML

I agree, your life sucks 807

You deserved it 59

By Anonymous - 24/05/2016 10:30 - Ukraine

Today, I took my 9-year-old sister to an ice cream shop. There we met a boy about her age, who started a conversation with her, told her she was pretty and they ended up exchanging numbers. I'm 24 and so far I've never succeeded at getting a girl's number like this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 666

You deserved it 1 304

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Saturday 1 August 2009 2:24

Hank: "'Vagiclean', huh? What's the matter, honey? Little extra cheese on the taco?" Mrs. Bittman: "Excuse me?" Hank: "No, excuse me. There's no tag on this. Price check on Vagiclean, aisle five. I repeat: price check on Vagiclean, aisle five. That's Vagiclean. We've got a customer down here with a full-on fallopian fungus. She's baking a loaf of bread and I think it's sourdough. [SNIFF] Put a rush on that."

papillonrouge_fml 0

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Saturday 1 August 2009 2:14

Wow. Now THIS is a true FML. You being careful, and the universe just being against you.

Comments

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Saturday 1 August 2009 2:06

Hahaha, I gave a girl the herp once. :D

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Saturday 1 August 2009 2:36

sigh, will people never learn

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Saturday 1 August 2009 4:16

WAAA YOU WERE EMBARRASSED AT SOME PURCHASE WAAAA YDI for having an itchy vagina, btw

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Saturday 1 August 2009 6:40

messed up..

kevinwestonjonah 0

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Wednesday 3 March 2010 6:08

FAGGAT

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Sunday 23 December 2012 6:00

congrats, asshole

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Thursday 10 April 2014 8:29

After I die, I want to come back as a tube of Vagisil.

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Saturday 1 August 2009 2:07

"Move your...Vagisil...to the belt!"

ImaBmyLonurTees 0

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Saturday 1 August 2009 2:31

I don't get it. What belt? "Got a little extra sour cream on your taco? Someboy's baking bread and I think it's sourdough!"

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Saturday 1 August 2009 2:49

Haha, I work in a supermarket, so my joke isn't really something most people would understand at first. The selfscan machine usually announces: "Move your...bananas....to the belt!" after they're weighed. Since she was trying to be discreet about her purchase and everyone gathered around to help instead, it was as if the machine blurted out her product to the world. ;p

quackquackquac 0

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Saturday 1 August 2009 3:15

your supermarket has a belt on the self checkout? wow, here I was always thinking they had those spinny bag holders.

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Saturday 1 August 2009 6:11

Haha, yeah. I guess we're fancy! The belt causes major problems, though.

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Sunday 2 August 2009 3:39

An odd purchase: Move your......nuts.....to the belt!

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Sunday 2 August 2009 4:49

Now everytime I go to a grocery store, I'm going to look at everything and hear that phrase in my mind. "Move your _________ to the belt!" thanks... :D

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Saturday 1 August 2009 2:08

That must have been some interesting Vagisil....

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Saturday 1 August 2009 2:09

that's just unlucky, right there.

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Saturday 1 August 2009 2:11

HAHAHA TROLLING!!! YDI for having tentacles instead of arms and legs!! HAHA!

leahlovesya121 0

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Saturday 1 August 2009 2:14

you suck at life. and breathing.

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Saturday 1 August 2009 2:36

He is reverse trolling, and it worked, you are both morons for thinking trolling has rules

Greendarthpotato 0

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Saturday 1 August 2009 3:45

#6 and #8, ur sarcasm detector isn't going off today. Of course he's not actually trolling, just making fun of ppl who do....

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Saturday 1 August 2009 3:56

whats a troll? sorry, i tried to figure it out and couldn't...

soulonfire928 0

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Saturday 1 August 2009 5:10

A troll is someone who deliberately posts something complety asinine to get attention. Hence, "don't feed the trolls".

papillonrouge_fml 0

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Saturday 1 August 2009 2:14

Wow. Now THIS is a true FML. You being careful, and the universe just being against you.

SiLveRStaRLIGHT 0

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Saturday 1 August 2009 2:22

My thoughts exactly. Irony is knocking at the door.

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Saturday 1 August 2009 2:14

Just go through the regular checkout, no one cares.

live_my_life245 0

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Saturday 1 August 2009 2:20

maybe she does....

ieatFMLforbreakf 0

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Wednesday 8 September 2010 2:25

agreed

waterynuggets 0

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Saturday 1 August 2009 2:22

Embarrassing but it's ok. We really need to get over the stigma of these things.

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Saturday 1 August 2009 2:24

Hank: "'Vagiclean', huh? What's the matter, honey? Little extra cheese on the taco?" Mrs. Bittman: "Excuse me?" Hank: "No, excuse me. There's no tag on this. Price check on Vagiclean, aisle five. I repeat: price check on Vagiclean, aisle five. That's Vagiclean. We've got a customer down here with a full-on fallopian fungus. She's baking a loaf of bread and I think it's sourdough. [SNIFF] Put a rush on that."

waterynuggets 0

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Saturday 1 August 2009 2:25

Me, Myself and Irene FTW

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Saturday 1 August 2009 2:29

LOL!

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Saturday 1 August 2009 4:23

I thought of that movie also

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Saturday 1 August 2009 5:10

DUDE THATS FUNNY AS HELL!!! FTW!!

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Thursday 28 April 2011 5:14

LMFAO(:

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Thursday 14 July 2011 7:53

LMAO I LOL'd at this!! I love that movie!!(: u made my day(:

dryuminoru576 16

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Tuesday 24 December 2013 0:31

What movie is it from

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Saturday 1 August 2009 2:28

haha u should b proud of great sex!! 3rd

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Saturday 1 August 2009 2:48

3rd? I think not. And I never use the self checkout because every time you put something on the belt an alarm thing goes off and you can't continue until you take it off. Plus it's just annoying.

bexox 0

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Saturday 1 August 2009 3:34

Because having a lot of sex is the only reason a woman would need Vagisil.

Nearly

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14

You deserved it 3

Today, I found out my mother listens to my therapy sessions. She’s the reason I need therapy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13

You deserved it 1

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my college fuck buddy started sending my wife our dirty chat logs. Not only have I not spoken to her in years, but the logs are time/date stamped from when Obama was still President. She's never met my wife and I have no idea what she hopes to get out of this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 626

You deserved it 88

Today, I’d been bicurious for years but always much too shy to seek out a woman to attempt intimacy. Well, I finally hooked up with a girl I’ve had a crush on for a while. Not only was it an amazing, mind-blowing experience, she also left me with a crotch searing yeast infection from hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 173

You deserved it 286