Today, I needed to buy Vagisil. I went to the grocery store so... - FML

By Anonymous - 31/7/2009 21:05 - United States

Today, I needed to buy Vagisil. I went to the grocery store so I could use the self check-out. My item rung up incorrectly, so a girl came to help. She was new and having trouble, so she called more people to help. I ended up having five people around me talking about my Vagisil purchase. FML

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Work name

Does it taste good?

Business savvy

By pinkjade - 25/10/2011 07:17 - Canada

Today, I was napping. I woke up to my pillow making some sounds. Thinking it was my head shifting my pillow, I went back to sleep. Later on I woke up to the sounds again, and a mouse staring at my face. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/3/2011 18:52 - Macedonia

Today, my boyfriend tried to cure me of my snake phobia by buying one. When he took it out of the cage, it bit him. Now he's terrified of them too. Even worse, he dropped the snake, so it's now loose in our house. FML

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By Eric Forrest - 24/2/2011 08:27 - United States

Today, while at a work meeting, I finally summoned up the courage to share and express my opinions about unprofessionalism in the office. After the meeting, I went to clean up, only to notice in the bathroom mirror that I'd had a booger pasted across my forehead throughout the meeting. FML

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By ineedsleep - 30/10/2014 14:15 - Finland - J?rvenp

Today, I found out that there's a very loud and frisky couple living above my bedroom, and a family with a crying baby living above my living room. At this rate, I'll end up sleeping in the bathtub in my own home. FML

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By browngirl - 29/9/2013 04:16 - Canada - Vernon

Today, at work, a lady came in to have her glasses fixed. When she opened her case, an earwig crawled out. Instead of trying to kill it, she just left it and watched as it crawled over my desk and behind my computer. I later found the earwig in my hair. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/12/2010 05:43 - United States

Today, as I was walking into my apartment building, a douchebag leaned out his truck window and yelled, "HOW MUCH FOR A BJ?" He then pulled into a spot near my car. Apparently I have a charming new neighbor. FML

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By bender - 10/2/2010 05:03 - Canada

Today, I decided that it would be good exercise to shovel the ice on the backyard patio. Now I can't stand up. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/1/2014 01:29 - United States - Petaluma

Today, I'm a 34 year old male who just got given the sex talk on my Facebook timeline by my senile mother. 5ML

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By randomgirl - 7/1/2012 14:12 - United Kingdom

Today, I accidentally called my teacher "Babe". FML

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By strongjon60 - 7/2/2012 15:07 - United States

Today, at my internship, I was told we were going to do something fun. I was excited, until I found out that this "fun" thing was labeling 500 folders. FML

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By mortified - 30/10/2010 04:12 - Canada

Today, at work, I was caught picking my nose, on camera, in an elevator. The security guard stopped me on my way out of the building to tell me how funny it was. FML

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By Grad Student - 13/1/2018 15:00

Today, I found out that I have to take a weekly workshop outside of class time all semester, and it's only offered on the day I have the most work hours. I barely make ends meet as it is, but the professor said to figure it out or fail. FML

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By veggiedude - 8/5/2014 03:01 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my girlfriend suggested we try something new and spontaneous. Excited to find out first-hand what she had in mind, and ready to fool around, I hurried over to her place. Turns out she's just taken up vegan cooking. FML

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By liLbob6598 - 10/1/2012 02:34 - United States

Today, I received a string of blank texts from an unknown number. When I asked who it was, I got a list of every place I've been over the last three days. I'm scared to leave the house. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/6/2014 16:34 - United States - Syosset

Today, I came back home after a year studying abroad. Imagine my surprise when I found out my mom had gotten breast implants while I was away. All through dinner, I kept catching myself staring at them. No wonder my dad was so much happier than when I left. FML

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By swiggityswooty - 23/7/2014 04:09 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I got the, "It's not you, it's me" speech for the third breakup in a row. I'm beginning to think that they may not be entirely telling me the truth. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/3/2012 20:23 - Ireland

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting heated, and he started to go down on me. In excitement, I accidentally drove a knee into his face. No amount of fondling his diddlestick made him forgive me for his bloody nose and swollen eye. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/6/2013 16:41 - Belgium

Today, I was feeding some ducks. One of them choked to death on the old bread. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/4/2014 07:17 - United States - Rapid City

Today, my teen son gave me the completed manuscript of the novel he's been working on for 4 years. Surprised and excited that he showed so much dedication to something, I volunteered to read it. I'm only on page 16 and it's absolute drivel, with grammar that makes my eyes bleed. Only 281 pages to go. FML

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By ohmygod582 - 14/4/2014 01:32 - United States - Gilbert

Today, I was walking around school alone and felt someone tap my back. I laughed and turned around to find no one was there. I felt confused when I felt the tapping again, which is when I chose to yell at the nearest person, "What?!" I later found out it was a bottle in my backpack tapping me. FML

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By gettinghotinhere - 17/10/2014 18:29 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I climbed onto my boyfriend's lap and sexily told him "It's getting hot in here," and started unbuttoning my shirt. He said "Oh," pushed me off him, and went to turn the ceiling fan on. FML

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By AussieG75 - 7/5/2013 14:18 - United States - Lakewood

Today, I was making tea when I smelled something burning. My very fluffy cat had put his tail right next to the open flame and burnt his fur. Now I have a semi-hairless cat and a very smelly apartment. FML

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By hollysofly - 15/1/2011 07:38 - United States

Today, I went on the first date of my life. I also burped during my first kiss. FML

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By fonsui - 2/2/2009 00:11 - United States

Today, I was standing on a desk at work to run wiring in a suspended ceiling, since we have no ladder. My phone rang, I rushed to answer it, tripping and smashing my leg. It was my boss, calling to tell me he was bringing over a ladder. FML

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By Lyn - 6/7/2012 22:14 - France

Today, I discovered that I'm adopted. How? After a great lunch, I asked my uncle how he'd made the salad dressing. He replied, "Haha! It's a secret family recipe, my dear!" I wouldn't have thought twice about it, were it not for my parents' shocked expressions, and the long, awkward silence. FML

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By nottililgirl - 4/9/2009 03:24 - United States

Today, after taking a shower, I noticed a weird noise and asked my husband about it. "I think it's in the walls," I told him. After careful inspection, he simply turned off the electric razor I had just used to shave my legs and gave me 'that' look. I had beaten him in an IQ test not 24 hours prior. FML

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By oh, shit...... - 2/2/2016 20:27 - Denmark - Bagsv?rd

Today, I was at the gym. At the end of my workout, I realised I lost the bundle of keys I had in my pocket that contained the key to my locker with all my stuff. I panic and start looking for them. After an hour of desperate searching, I find them thrown in the bottom of the public toilet. Thanks. FML

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By Alisterine - 24/8/2014 17:31 - United States - Chesterfield

Today, I had to flush someone else's shit in the public washroom at work. It was so vile, I didn't want to get anywhere near it, so flushed it with my foot, only for it to slip off the handle and into the toilet. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/8/2016 16:10 - United States - Richmond

Today, my ex-husband introduced our daughter to her "new mommy". That's the third time this year. FML

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By Poowee - 18/9/2009 04:29 - United States

Today, I urgently needed to use the bathroom at my boyfriend's house. When I went to flush, it would not go down the pipes. After about ten panic filled minutes, I notice the cat litter box. I carefully scoop out my logs, and bury them in the cat litter. FML

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By Forgetfull - 2/2/2010 17:07 - United States

Today, I thought it would be romantic to take my girlfriend to the beach. It was raining so we left our shoes and phones in the car so we wouldn't be bothered. Apparently, I left my keys in the car too. The car was locked. FML

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By madessalarouge - 20/10/2018 23:00 - United States

Today, my 4 year old son excitedly asked me if he'd get to see drones at the zoo. He apparently thinks drones are living creatures. I guess I can go ahead and spend his college savings on shoes. FML

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By BadStuden - 5/10/2009 01:47 - Canada

Today, I did a 3 hour long assignment for school. I was bored so I gave it the title "F***ing Assignment for a F***ing Teacher." I went downstairs only to discover that the printer was out of ink. So I sent it to her email, then I realized that I didn't change the title. FML

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By nadalada - 18/2/2009 08:06 - United States

Today, My boyfriend gave me a gift card for $32 to a local salon. I thought the amount was kind of random, but when I went in I saw that the bikini wax was $32. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/6/2020 17:00

Last dates

Today, a guy I've been dating for a year asked me to meet him for dinner and a couple of drinks. After dinner, he confessed that he's been seeing another woman and has decided he wants to seek a relationship with her. He then told me how sex with me is great, but he didn't want me to continue being "the other woman." FML

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By mokki - 31/3/2015 12:56 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I am seven months pregnant with my third child. I woke up to my two-and-a-half year old trying to "pop the balloon" in my tummy. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/12/2012 08:08 - United States - Redding

Today, my daughter had the words "Always classy, never trashy" tattooed across her lower back in crappy cursive lettering. She doesn't understand the irony. FML

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By Tipless - 7/11/2009 05:36 - United States

Today, I was working as a Valet driver. After getting no customers for 5 hours in the pouring rain, a woman driving by stops and asks me for directions. Before leaving, she said, "I should probably tip you for that, since that's probably the only money you'd get all night." She didn't. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/12/2010 14:50 - Egypt

Today, I was working on a 12-page report. After 5 hours on it, I go over to YouTube to change background music. My boss decides to pick this time to walk by, look at my screen, and grunt "hard at work, huh?" FML

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By mrWrong - 25/3/2009 01:20 - United States

Today, my rescue squad unit responded to a 911 call from a woman who felt she was going to pass out. We knocked on her locked door a couple times with no answer. Fearing she might be unconscious, I kicked in the door. She was about to open it and only passed out from the concussion I gave her. FML

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Top comments

By Krittick | 0

#446368 - Saturday 1 August 2009 2:24

Hank: "'Vagiclean', huh? What's the matter, honey? Little extra cheese on the taco?"
Mrs. Bittman: "Excuse me?"
Hank: "No, excuse me. There's no tag on this. Price check on Vagiclean, aisle five. I repeat: price check on Vagiclean, aisle five. That's Vagiclean. We've got a customer down here with a full-on fallopian fungus. She's baking a loaf of bread and I think it's sourdough. [SNIFF] Put a rush on that."

By papillonrouge_fml | 0

#446335 - Saturday 1 August 2009 2:14

Wow. Now THIS is a true FML. You being careful, and the universe just being against you.

COMMENTS

By FFPianoDude | 2

#446305 - Saturday 1 August 2009 2:06

Hahaha, I gave a girl the herp once. :D

Reply

teesha_fml | 0

#446401 - Saturday 1 August 2009 2:36

sigh, will people never learn

Reply

bloodthorn | 4

#446639 - Saturday 1 August 2009 4:16

WAAA YOU WERE EMBARRASSED AT SOME PURCHASE WAAAA

YDI for having an itchy vagina, btw

Reply

im_in_love | 0

#446895 - Saturday 1 August 2009 6:40

messed up..

Reply

kevinwestonjonah | 0

#910109 - Wednesday 3 March 2010 6:08

FAGGAT

Reply

lolkaela | 6

#5272486 - Sunday 23 December 2012 6:00

congrats, asshole

Reply

Vagitarian1 | 10

#5910176 - Thursday 10 April 2014 8:29

After I die, I want to come back as a tube of Vagisil.

By fairasfables | 0

#446312 - Saturday 1 August 2009 2:07

"Move your...Vagisil...to the belt!"

Reply

ImaBmyLonurTees | 0

#446388 - Saturday 1 August 2009 2:31

I don't get it. What belt?
"Got a little extra sour cream on your taco? Someboy's baking bread and I think it's sourdough!"

Reply

fairasfables | 0

#446439 - Saturday 1 August 2009 2:49

Haha, I work in a supermarket, so my joke isn't really something most people would understand at first. The selfscan machine usually announces: "Move your...bananas....to the belt!" after they're weighed. Since she was trying to be discreet about her purchase and everyone gathered around to help instead, it was as if the machine blurted out her product to the world. ;p

Reply

quackquackquac | 0

#446497 - Saturday 1 August 2009 3:15

your supermarket has a belt on the self checkout? wow, here I was always thinking they had those spinny bag holders.

Reply

fairasfables | 0

#446853 - Saturday 1 August 2009 6:11

Haha, yeah. I guess we're fancy! The belt causes major problems, though.

Reply

dvd175 | 5

#449272 - Sunday 2 August 2009 3:39

An odd purchase:

Move your......nuts.....to the belt!

Reply

snowflake19 | 0

#449399 - Sunday 2 August 2009 4:49

Now everytime I go to a grocery store, I'm going to look at everything and hear that phrase in my mind.
"Move your _________ to the belt!"

thanks... :D

By NGM_47 | 0

#446313 - Saturday 1 August 2009 2:08

That must have been some interesting Vagisil....

By kawa_fml | 0

#446317 - Saturday 1 August 2009 2:09

that's just unlucky, right there.

By SaintJimmy | 0

#446326 - Saturday 1 August 2009 2:11

HAHAHA TROLLING!!!
YDI for having tentacles instead of arms and legs!! HAHA!

Reply

leahlovesya121 | 0

#446336 - Saturday 1 August 2009 2:14

you suck at life. and breathing.

Reply

RESTAREA | 0

#446399 - Saturday 1 August 2009 2:36

He is reverse trolling, and it worked, you are both morons for thinking trolling has rules

Reply

Greendarthpotato | 0

#446571 - Saturday 1 August 2009 3:45

#6 and #8, ur sarcasm detector isn't going off today. Of course he's not actually trolling, just making fun of ppl who do....

Reply

eatmydust | 0

#446600 - Saturday 1 August 2009 3:56

whats a troll? sorry, i tried to figure it out and couldn't...

Reply

soulonfire928 | 0

#446733 - Saturday 1 August 2009 5:10

A troll is someone who deliberately posts something complety asinine to get attention. Hence, "don't feed the trolls".

By papillonrouge_fml | 0

#446335 - Saturday 1 August 2009 2:14

Wow. Now THIS is a true FML. You being careful, and the universe just being against you.

Reply

SiLveRStaRLIGHT | 0

#446362 - Saturday 1 August 2009 2:22

My thoughts exactly.
Irony is knocking at the door.

By kitkatkelly | 0

#446339 - Saturday 1 August 2009 2:14

Just go through the regular checkout, no one cares.

Reply

live_my_life245 | 0

#446355 - Saturday 1 August 2009 2:20

maybe she does....

Reply

ieatFMLforbreakf | 0

#1367465 - Wednesday 8 September 2010 2:25

agreed

By waterynuggets | 0

#446363 - Saturday 1 August 2009 2:22

Embarrassing but it's ok. We really need to get over the stigma of these things.

By Krittick | 0

#446368 - Saturday 1 August 2009 2:24

Hank: "'Vagiclean', huh? What's the matter, honey? Little extra cheese on the taco?"
Mrs. Bittman: "Excuse me?"
Hank: "No, excuse me. There's no tag on this. Price check on Vagiclean, aisle five. I repeat: price check on Vagiclean, aisle five. That's Vagiclean. We've got a customer down here with a full-on fallopian fungus. She's baking a loaf of bread and I think it's sourdough. [SNIFF] Put a rush on that."

Reply

waterynuggets | 0

#446371 - Saturday 1 August 2009 2:25

Me, Myself and Irene FTW

Reply

sixroses | 0

#446380 - Saturday 1 August 2009 2:29

LOL!

Reply

BikerMike | 0

#446651 - Saturday 1 August 2009 4:23

I thought of that movie also

Reply

dacman48 | 0

#446734 - Saturday 1 August 2009 5:10

DUDE THATS FUNNY AS HELL!!! FTW!!

Reply

liyahh23 | 0

#2421581 - Thursday 28 April 2011 5:14

LMFAO(:

Reply

sk8rchick97 | 0

#2888653 - Thursday 14 July 2011 7:53

LMAO I LOL'd at this!! I love that movie!!(: u made my day(:

Reply

dryuminoru576 | 16

#5802980 - Tuesday 24 December 2013 0:31

What movie is it from

By caligurrl | 0

#446376 - Saturday 1 August 2009 2:28

haha u should b proud of great sex!!
3rd

Reply

Manutdfan539 | 0

#446434 - Saturday 1 August 2009 2:48

3rd? I think not.
And I never use the self checkout because every time you put something on the belt an alarm thing goes off and you can't continue until you take it off. Plus it's just annoying.

Reply

bexox | 0

#446545 - Saturday 1 August 2009 3:34

Because having a lot of sex is the only reason a woman would need Vagisil.