By 9gingerface66 - United States

Kinky

Today, after finally getting up the confidence, I started talking really dirty to my boyfriend on the phone. I was getting really onto it, and he seemed to enjoy it too. Then I stopped for a second to gauge his reaction. He was snoring. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29703

4640

Sex

Proactive

BO Central

OK, well, goodbye

By Anonymous

That escalated quickly

Today, I chipped my front tooth trying to pick up my cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1229

You deserved it

279

Favorite

By Cress

Today, my dad asked what I wanted for my birthday. The only thing I wanted was the complete series of Dragon Ball Z on DVD. He just sighed, shook his head, and asked me to pick something normal. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4214

You deserved it

1964

Favorite

By loser - United Kingdom

Today, I told a friend that he looked smarter with his glasses on. He took them off and said "oh, and now you look more handsome". FML

I agree, your life sucks

16315

You deserved it

41953

Favorite

By thatsmejl - United States

Today, I had to fire an employee because she constantly calls in, or is late to work. She became very emotional and I felt kind of bad, so I walked her out myself. We then got stuck in the company elevator. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31075

You deserved it

3934

Favorite

By Anonymous - 23/2/2021 17:01

Desperate man

Today, I have been married for nearly 16 years. I've not had sex in over three years. My wife spends all hours chatting and gaming online with friends, and when she finally crashes into bed, she just goes to sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1231

You deserved it

166

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

She's right, you know

Today, I was babysitting some kids and helping them make a poster about insects. They couldn't think of any more insects to add so I suggested a spider, and got told to "not be a dumbass, spiders aren't insects they're arachnids." The girl is six. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19892

You deserved it

55865

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was about to lose my virginity with my girlfriend of 2 years, when I got an urgent phone call from my 9-year-old sister, telling me I had to come home immediately. My grandma fell off the toilet and got stuck between the bowl and the wall. I'm not making this up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

306095

You deserved it

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By UnexpectedMom - 31/12/2020 02:01

The fertility dance worked

Today, I'm currently 9 months pregnant with my second child within 3 years. I was told by 4 different doctors over the course of the past 5 years that I'm incapable of having kids, due to a medical condition that affects my reproductive system. FML

I agree, your life sucks

636

You deserved it

304

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By JStein - United States - Hampshire

Today my boyfriend and my best friend had a very lengthy, detailed conversation about Lord of the Rings and the Hobbit, of which I know nothing about. Once they stopped, I looked at him and smiled, and he responded with, "Why can't you be more like her?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

32263

You deserved it

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Favorite

By mrboston - United States

Today, my college roommate whom I've never met moved in. Good thing I wasn't completely naked, playing with myself on the couch when he walked in. That would've been awkward. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11594

You deserved it

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By LonelyAngel22

Today, out of curiosity, I took an online test to see if I have ADHD. Halfway through, I got so distracted and bored that I gave up. Guess I know the answer. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8365

You deserved it

1528

Favorite

By capcha - United States

Today, I was holding a yard sale. A man came up to me and asked if he could buy a pair of red and white sneakers that I'd found in my attic and had never worn. Five bucks later, he was walking away with what I now realize was the pair of shoes signed by Michael Jordan given to me by my uncle. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15033

You deserved it

78452

Favorite

By not helping - 17/9/2020 17:02 - United States

Co-parenting

Today, I confiscated my daughter’s tablet, phone and laptop after I caught her exchanging nudes with boys. My ex then called me in a rage, threatening to take me to court over “stealing his belongings” since he purchased them. No concern for our daughter’s behavior, just him wanting the stuff. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1231

You deserved it

112

Favorite

By barman - Australia

Today, while working at the bar, I was having a flawless night. Every pour was perfect, every shot expertly measured. I saw my manager for the first time that night, turned to greet him, and knocked over a tray of 30 or so glasses. Two remained unbroken. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37636

You deserved it

5319

Favorite

By nickorion12 - United States - Shawnee

Today, it's my birthday. My children decided to make me "breakfast in bed", only to end up catching the kitchen on fire. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11538

You deserved it

1273

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By wtf - United Kingdom

Today, my parents staged a family intervention and gave me the grandest bollocking I've ever experienced in all my 22 years of life. They did this because my sister showed them a photo of me jokingly posing with three bottles of Bud Light at a party. Apparently, I'm an alcoholic in denial. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28968

You deserved it

4936

Favorite

By well then... - Canada - London

Today, as I was crossing to the US, I got pulled over by border patrol for looking "suspicious". The female cop searched my purse and found a condom. She smirked and said, "I doubt you'd ever need that." FML

I agree, your life sucks

52321

You deserved it

4770

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By Anonymous - 14/8/2020 02:01

Medicare for all, please

Today, I'm sitting in the ER with my 6 ovarian cyst rupture. The pain meds have already worn off and my vag hurts. I also had my gallbladder removed last June, and my right ovary removed last January. The staff here remember me. Most expensive friends I've ever had. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1640

You deserved it

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By lebanesewoman - Hong Kong

Today, I went to my 7 year old son's school for a conference with his teacher. When I got there, the teacher said "she adored me for who and what I am". I was puzzled. Turns out my son told his class that I am a "lesbian American." Wrong. I'm Lebanese-American. FML

I agree, your life sucks

59912

You deserved it

3914

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, after being yelled at by our boss because the office computer server has yet another virus, my co-worker and I did a bit of investigating. Apparently, the viruses aren't coming from client emails as we previously assumed. It seems that the problem is really our boss's porn addiction. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37102

You deserved it

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Favorite

By Lor - Canada - Toronto

Perfume Allergy Man strikes again!

Today, a woman got on the bus wearing extremely strong perfume and sat in the seat in front of me. The gentleman I was sitting next to began violently sneezing, so much so that he eventually sneeze-vomited all over my lap and backpack. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1743

You deserved it

147

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By anonymous - United States

Today, my 9 month old son realized he is just as tired as I am. His solution is to cry loudly. My solution was to cry along with him. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35366

You deserved it

5155

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By elsaza - France

Today, I was on a date with my new boyfriend. I acted very flirty and laughed very loudly to show him how funny he was. I laughed so loudly that I farted. FML

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32953

You deserved it

22402

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By mad dude

Today, I realized I'm pussy whipped by a chick I'm not even dating. FML

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14795

You deserved it

41394

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while making a move in a board game that helped my boyfriend win, he got all excited and said "I love you, babe." I smiled until I realized this was the first time he told me that other than when he wants a blow-job. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31716

You deserved it

6276

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By seriously wtf - United States - Saint Petersburg

Today, in my architecture class, my professor's lecture consisted of a list of movies and books which feature characters who are architects. I couldn't leave because I needed the attendance points, and it lasted 45 minutes. I paid out of state tuition for this. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27426

You deserved it

4080

Favorite

By andrew

Today, I broke a world record on third-wheeling with my friend and his girlfriend. As we were driving back from the beach, I took a nap and woke up to my friend receiving head in the front seat. They knew I was awake, but they continued and finished. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6161

You deserved it

911

Favorite

By Misc. - United States

Today, me and my boyfriend were just about to have sex and I was so excited to do it just like the movies. He carried me up and just as he was about to lay me on the bed he sneezed, dropping me at the same time. I hit my head. Now I have 12 stitches where my eyebrow used to be. FML

I agree, your life sucks

85840

You deserved it

8152

Favorite

By welp24

Today, at the age of 25, for the first time in my life, I was lying mostly naked in front of a man while he was inserting something in my body. Too bad that man was a doctor and that thing was a colonoscopy. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3121

You deserved it

348

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By imscrewed - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me he was going out tonight to celebrate his ex-but-still-friends-girlfriend's birthday at a local club and hopes I wasn't offended that I wasn't invited. I sure am offended; we have the same birthday. FML

I agree, your life sucks

83236

You deserved it

4108

Favorite

By honeymoonisover - United States

Today, my husband of one week lost his wedding ring while we were preparing for a dinner party. After a thorough search and no luck, I started to cry. He told me to quit being a drama queen because we had guests. He then got drunk with his friends, puked on the patio, and called me a bitch. FML

I agree, your life sucks

74338

You deserved it

11735

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke 2 hours before my alarm was supposed to go off, feeling incredibly sick. I then ran downstairs and had diarrhea while I threw up. I spent Valentine's Day having diarrhea every time I coughed or sneezed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31810

You deserved it

2933

Favorite

By lahiros - Australia - Bentleigh East

Today, I woke up in the middle of the night to my wife muttering "God, I want you so bad". Figuring she was either talking to me or longing for the second cumming of Christ, I turned over to see which. Turned out she was rubbing one out to some guy's Facebook photos on her phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

68434

You deserved it

7505

Favorite

By gjh - Australia

Today, my girlfriend offered a blow job, but my hair got stuck in her braces so instead we tried to pull them all out. And no, I didn't get any. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32758

You deserved it

13297

Favorite

By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I saw a real, erect penis for the first time. My brother's, while he was jerking off. He doesn't know I saw, because he was holding a pair of panties over his face with his other hand. I'm trying like hell to act like I'm not mentally scarred. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37982

You deserved it

3998

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Jacksonville

Today, I'm grieving over the death of my best friend of 9 years. My mom wasted no time arriving at the conclusion that I must be hormonal and pregnant with his child. Apparently it's not normal for a woman to cry so much over a man, unless they've been fucking. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32906

You deserved it

1942

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Greeley

Today, I got threatened with a gun at the drive-thru, all because my coworker forgot to include extra fries in the guy's order. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14051

Phew, glad it wasn't me

1591

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was riding the train home, and I sat in the row in front of a homeless woman. I noticed an old man staring at me. I got off the train after a long 6 stops, and the old man who had been staring at me walks up to me and says "The lady behind you was flicking lice onto you the whole time." FML

I agree, your life sucks

44762

You deserved it

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By damnit. - United States - Saint Louis

Today, I was training a new girl at work. We're always told to find "common interests" with the people we are training to make it less awkward for them. Little did I know that our "common interest" would turn out to be my boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32820

You deserved it

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By Jordan - 12/11/2020 05:02 - United States - Herndon

Luck of the draw

Today, I waited 3 hours and paid $360 to have a routine tuneup done on my old car. As I pulled into my driveway, about to turn off the engine, one of my headlights blew. FML

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582

You deserved it

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Top comments

By SwiftFaux | 0

#3887341 - Sunday 15 January 2012 12:23

That heavy breathing wasn't snoring.

By CalCommando | 6

#3887423 - Sunday 15 January 2012 12:47

"Oh baby, never bathe again... your hair is so greasy... rub that cupcake on my ankle!"

Oh, not that dirty?

COMMENTS

By teyyoshi | 19

#3887307 - Sunday 15 January 2012 12:18

what did you say?

BlindyMcGee | 2

#3887317 - Sunday 15 January 2012 12:19

So many fail 1st comments.

RaggleFrock | 13

#3887375 - Sunday 15 January 2012 12:34

What does it matter, he was snoring?

GoW_Chick | 14

#3887393 - Sunday 15 January 2012 12:38

I bet she sang him a sexy lullaby, but it didn't have the desired affect.

CalCommando | 6

#3887423 - Sunday 15 January 2012 12:47

"Oh baby, never bathe again... your hair is so greasy... rub that cupcake on my ankle!"

Oh, not that dirty?

Pentium_4 | 26

#3887463 - Sunday 15 January 2012 12:58

i got a strange tingling in my pants

Savra_fml | 17

#3887599 - Sunday 15 January 2012 13:55

She said "Baby, I've been told I'm amazing in bed. It's when somebody joins me that it all goes wrong"

fcukU30to1 | 2

#3887627 - Sunday 15 January 2012 14:09

F*** yo couch!

By scampman | 5

#3887310 - Sunday 15 January 2012 12:18

Aww.. there, there it's ok.. You'll get better ;)

samfenton89 | 0

#3887519 - Sunday 15 January 2012 13:22

I doubt she will try again soon.

Confidence levels gone

girl112891 | 7

#3887629 - Sunday 15 January 2012 14:10

Don't worry, I am one of the worst dirty talker you can find. It just gets so awkward. What do I say next? It all means the same!
Best way to practice though is in person. Lay on the bed together and ask him what he likes to hear. Baby steps.