Sex, Phone calls and Intimacy: Kinky

Kinky

By 9gingerface66 - 15/01/2012 06:29 - United States

Today, after finally getting up the confidence, I started talking really dirty to my boyfriend on the phone. I was getting really onto it, and he seemed to enjoy it too. Then I stopped for a second to gauge his reaction. He was snoring. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 745

You deserved it 4 644

Sex Phone calls Intimacy

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

Mama's boy

Nice guy

By nikki - 04/08/2012 20:05 - Greece - K

Today, what I thought would be a romantic sleepover with the guy I like quickly turned into hell on earth when his girlfriend showed up. I had to scale the fire escape in my underwear so I could get back to my car in one piece. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 873

You deserved it 36 354

By Anonymous - 28/09/2013 21:40 - New Zealand - Hamilton

Today, we got my dad an iPad for his birthday. I had to repeatedly reassure him that he could in fact touch the screen without being shocked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 500

You deserved it 4 012

By Sad - 28/04/2009 22:13 - United States

Today, my house got broken into. My brand new laptop was stolen, along with my flatscreen TV, digital camera, external hard drive and some clothes. Wanting to drown my sorrows in the Ben and Jerry's Phish Food ice cream in the freezer, I opened the door to find that it too had been stolen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 218 018

You deserved it 15 278

By ClumsyKatey - 02/07/2017 22:00

Today, due to an incident with the dishwasher, a coatrack and my bathrobe, I ended up locked out of my house naked as a jaybird. I had to hide in the backyard for several hours until my family got home from their various activities to get back in. They still haven't stopped laughing at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 058

You deserved it 1 068

Worked out

By leigh - 18/06/2021 14:01

Today, three days after receiving the vaccine, I was finally able to lift weights again. At the beginning of the workout, I broke my finger. Lifting weights is the one thing that keeps me from being depressed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 782

You deserved it 138

Being multilingual sucks sometimes

By Anonymous - 08/02/2021 19:01 - Iraq - Baghdad

Today, in our microbiology lab, there's a machine called bacteria incubator, which translates to Arabic as "bacteria hugger." I envied the bacteria because it gets hugs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 630

You deserved it 201

By FlamedOut - 23/04/2017 22:00

Today, I discovered that my Tinder date is the roommate and best friend of a date from the previous week that went sour. He also hangs out with my former high school flame. What are the chances? FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 807

You deserved it 508

By Sir Davos of Shit Creek - 13/05/2016 20:00 - Canada - Frankford

Today, my boss asked if I'd finished my work for the day. I've been binge-watching Game of Thrones this week, and I accidentally replied "Yes, Your Grace," British accent and all. He told me to stow my "sarcasm" or I'd be looking for a new job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 985

You deserved it 11 111

By monkeywrench - 01/05/2012 05:14 - United States

Today, I got some spam stating that I'd have no love life in the coming 10 years if I didn't reply to it. So, no different to the last 10 years then. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 419

You deserved it 2 876

By Off to Canada - 16/03/2016 07:48 - Hong Kong - Kowloon

Today, my class was given the assignment to have an informal discussion, debating who would be the best fit for president of the US. The school's security guards were called in after the Trump supporters started fights with everyone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 468

You deserved it 2 221

Square eyes

By comedybreak - 30/10/2011 16:31 - United States

Today, my doctor told me that the reason I'm losing my eyesight is because I'm straining my eyes, and that the best thing for me to do is to limit my time in front of computers. I spent years in college to get my current job which involves sitting in front of computers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 181

You deserved it 2 738

By Barking Mad - 04/08/2013 11:21 - Australia - Revesby

Today, I got several noise complaints from various neighbours about my "dog that won't stop barking". I don't own a dog, my neighbour owns the noisy dog. She sent me a complaint as well. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 827

You deserved it 7 697

Gummy

By madeleine - 08/04/2021 05:00

Today, I caught my young daughter eating candy after brushing her teeth. Angry, I asked her if she wanted all her teeth to fall out. She smiled and said, “Yes!” FML

I agree, your life sucks 621

You deserved it 256

By ProExist - 15/03/2019 21:00 - United States

Today, MLK Jr. Day, I was told that since my other co workers are on vacation, I have to be at work Today. No one else is at work Today...or on any other holiday. Also I am the only black person at my office. The irony, FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 414

You deserved it 235

By Anonymous - 06/12/2010 19:11 - United States

Today, I was smoking while driving. A cop pulled me over and asked if I knew what I did wrong. I thought he could smell the tobacco, so I decided to just admit it. As it turns out, I was going well over the speed limit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 299

You deserved it 39 681

By unemployed - 10/03/2009 02:00 - United States

Today, as I was bagging groceries, I looked down to see a 6-year-old urinating on my shoes and the floor next to me. I told his mother that he should take her kid to the restroom, only to be told to "mind my own goddamn business." I was later fired for arguing with the customer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 155 609

You deserved it 7 442

By NoTalkAllGame - 27/01/2015 16:12 - United States - Horsham

Today, it's been five days since my roommate last talked to me. Although she's not communicating with me verbally, she's excelling at non-verbal communication: slamming doors and drawers, and watching loud videos, all while I desperately try to study. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 871

You deserved it 2 915

By Summer Loving Happened So Fast - 02/12/2014 17:59 - United States - Cookeville

Today, after two years, my girlfriend finally got over her intimacy and commitment problems, with a guy she met over the summer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 093

You deserved it 3 268

Unexpected item

By Highschoolsucks - 18/03/2020 23:00 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I was hit in the head with a football during class. Spanish class. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 537

You deserved it 124

By sillybrohos - 15/02/2009 06:06 - United States

Today, I spent 2 minutes struggling to cork a wine bottle for one of my tables only to have them eventually point out to me that the bottle was a twist-off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 291

You deserved it 33 722

Ouch, ouch, ouch

By Teh_Moo_fml - 13/03/2021 00:30

Today, I learned that you can actually sprain your groin for real. It hurts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 778

You deserved it 101

By SoVeryMonday - 30/11/2009 18:01 - Canada

Today, we rearranged the bedroom and my boyfriend and I switched sides of the bed. When the alarm went off, he got confused as to which side the clock was on. Instead of hitting the snooze button like he normally does, he hit me in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 087

You deserved it 9 508

By annoyed - 23/09/2010 09:59 - United States

Today, I went to my parents' place to visit. My ex-boyfriend's photo is on the fridge, but there aren't any photos of my husband or any of our wedding photos. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 274

You deserved it 2 974

By Court - 22/02/2010 02:12 - United States

Today, my best friend had set me up on a blind date. The guy demonstrated at length that he could do different cartoon voices such as Donald Duck, Droopy and many others the entire time. Oh, and he also kept wanting to talk about his farts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 474

You deserved it 3 542

By my gran is a cuntwaffle - 26/09/2013 20:36 - United Kingdom

Today, my gran came over for dinner, for which I had to go grab some supplies from the supermarket. I guess I should have locked my laptop, because when I came back, I found my gran had used my Facebook account to propose to my now-ecstatic girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 473

You deserved it 6 393

By ApparentlyIFail - 20/11/2009 09:30 - France

Today, my girlfriend of two years broke up with me so she could "let her life flow in the direction she wants." Apparently that includes smoking, stealing and making out with other girls at parties. The best part? She wants to get back together "after she matures and gets it out of her system." FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 680

You deserved it 3 190

By kal - 23/02/2010 16:28 - United Kingdom

Today, on Facebook, I joined a group called "I want our relationship to last." My boyfriend commented "I don't." FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 633

You deserved it 6 765

By I know nothing - 05/02/2017 07:00 - Canada - Surrey

Today, I start my second shift at my new job. Apparently, I'm closing by myself. I have no idea what I'm supposed to do. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 871

You deserved it 508

By Anonymous - 30/09/2012 06:29 - Norway - Oslo

Today, I was really impressed with the man I've been in a relationship with for over 2 years. He had finally really cleaned his apartment. Everything was washed and fixed, even my stuff was cleared from open surfaces. All so his lover would not find out about me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 878

You deserved it 2 458

By Deborah - 27/10/2011 06:41 - United States

Today, I saw my upstairs neighbor outside getting the mail. She asked how my day was, and then apologized that the sound of her baby's crying through the walls kept me up last night. Apparently she heard me when I yelled at 2am for her fucking demon spawn to shut up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 786

You deserved it 40 383

By Sam - 01/11/2009 23:10 - Canada

Today, I bought an iTunes giftcard worth $50. I tried to scratch off the little silver thing covering the code with a pair of scissors. I scratched so much that it's now unreadable. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 759

You deserved it 58 818

Perv

By Anonymous - 08/05/2009 14:53 - Canada

Today, while working as a makeup artist in the mall, I was approached by a man who wanted to try lipstick, which isn't unusual we do a lot of drag. While I was applying it, he started to make gross noises and, after a quick glance, I realized he had a massive erection. He then whispered, "Mmmm don't stop now." FML

I agree, your life sucks 82 593

You deserved it 4 498

The long goodbye

By fml9124 - 14/11/2020 11:02

Today, my 79-year-old mom who has Alzheimer's fondly remembered all the wild sex she had with me back in the 1960s. I wasn't born then. She thinks I'm my dad, who died 15 years ago. In all of our conversations now, she talks to me as if she is talking to her husband and some of the talks turn racy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 394

You deserved it 74

By ghgfd - 06/03/2013 14:53 - Canada - Barrie

Today, I went to the store to pick up some feminine products. As I was paying, the male cashier looked at me sympathetically and asked if it was my girlfriend's time of the month. I'm a girl and was buying them for myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 795

You deserved it 4 411

By DL06 - 08/04/2009 07:19 - United States

Today, I met a guy online. We talked all night long and hit it off amazingly. He told me he'd never felt that way about anyone else, and I agreed. He sent me a picture and he was gorgeous. I sent him one after he assured me he didn't care what I looked like. I haven't heard from him since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 74 404

You deserved it 12 526

By Anonymous - 05/09/2009 23:41 - United States

Today, knowing that the girl I broke up with last night goes crazy after breakups, I threw away my hair products, thinking she switched them with Nair. She didn't... but she did use the key I keep under a flowerpot to take all of my clothes and burn them on my lawn while I was at work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 560

You deserved it 8 974

By tootles - 22/05/2009 20:08 - United States

Today, I was kicked out of my parents house. I was sleeping in my truck bed because I had nowhere to go. I awoke to a "beep beep beep" noise. I was being towed while sleeping in the truck bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 831

You deserved it 6 223

Such a rewarding career

By DirtyNurse - 05/12/2020 07:01 - United States - Center Point

Today, I got projectile-vomited on while trying to administer meds to a patient. Twenty minutes later, a patient with schizophrenia threw his shitty diaper at my face. All this happened in the first hour of my 12-hour shift. I didn't bring any extra scrubs and I live an hour away from work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 937

You deserved it 144

By DarkDolly - 04/02/2012 16:39 - France

Today, at around 2am, I was walking through a parking lot to my car when a man walking behind me told me not to be scared. I turned around to tell him there was no problem. He was naked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 963

You deserved it 3 158

By Albert - 27/08/2012 22:16 - United States - Dover

Today, I went to see my orthodontist. He informed me that I have an underbite and I will probably need braces again. I just had them taken off last year, after five and a half years of oral hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 441

You deserved it 2 062

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Top comments

SwiftFaux 0

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Sunday 15 January 2012 12:23

That heavy breathing wasn't snoring.

CalCommando 6

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Sunday 15 January 2012 12:47

"Oh baby, never bathe again... your hair is so greasy... rub that cupcake on my ankle!" Oh, not that dirty?

teyyoshi 19

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Sunday 15 January 2012 12:18

what did you say?

BlindyMcGee 2

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Sunday 15 January 2012 12:19

So many fail 1st comments.

RaggleFrock 13

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Sunday 15 January 2012 12:34

What does it matter, he was snoring?

GoW_Chick 14

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Sunday 15 January 2012 12:38

I bet she sang him a sexy lullaby, but it didn't have the desired affect.

CalCommando 6

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Sunday 15 January 2012 12:47

"Oh baby, never bathe again... your hair is so greasy... rub that cupcake on my ankle!" Oh, not that dirty?

Pentium_4 27

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Sunday 15 January 2012 12:58

i got a strange tingling in my pants

Savra_fml 17

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Sunday 15 January 2012 13:55

She said "Baby, I've been told I'm amazing in bed. It's when somebody joins me that it all goes wrong"

fcukU30to1 2

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Sunday 15 January 2012 14:09

F*** yo couch!

scampman 5

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Sunday 15 January 2012 12:18

Aww.. there, there it's ok.. You'll get better ;)

samfenton89 0

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Sunday 15 January 2012 13:22

I doubt she will try again soon. Confidence levels gone

girl112891 7

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Sunday 15 January 2012 14:10

Don't worry, I am one of the worst dirty talker you can find. It just gets so awkward. What do I say next? It all means the same! Best way to practice though is in person. Lay on the bed together and ask him what he likes to hear. Baby steps.