Intimacy: Today, I tried to get my girlfriend of nine months to have oral...

By Dontworryaboutit - 28/12/2009 10:16 - United States

Today, I tried to get my girlfriend of nine months to have oral sex with me. She was eating a hot dog. She then said, "If you ask me again, this is what I'll do to you." She then bit the hot dog in half. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 384

You deserved it 38 719

Intimacy

This Charming Man

Late term

Leave us alone

By Anonymous - 24/07/2015 17:59 - Northern Mariana Islands - Saipan

Today, I was telling 3 classmates on Whatsapp about my depression. One of them told me to "nut up n grow a pear." Two hours after we mocked him for being an illiterate jackass, one of us has had our car tires knifed and another's house has been egged. I'm terrified of what will happen to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 715

You deserved it 5 308

By Perpetually F-ed. - 17/01/2009 14:25 - United States

Today, my younger brother and my parents were in my dorm room. When I wasn't looking, my brother opened the top drawer of my dresser (where I had a tube of half-used lube) and asked out loud: "What's Astroglide?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 247

You deserved it 9 276

By baddormgirl - 19/02/2009 05:22 - United States

Today, I walked through my college dorm and a freshman was watching some overly dramatic show on her laptop. I smiled and asked if it was a new episode of 'Gossip Girl.' She was on a video chat with her boyfriend. They were about to break up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 312

You deserved it 47 645

By Zephyric - 02/02/2010 06:57 - United States

Today, I made a friend on an online chat. We got along fairly well and even traded Facebook accounts. I found out that the two of us had a lot of very surprising things in common. We were the same age, we were from the same school, and we even had the same boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 364

You deserved it 3 463

By WishesWasDeaf - 31/01/2010 01:35 - United States

Today, I was stuck sitting at a cafeteria table next to the girl who broke my heart and her boyfriend. I got to overhear the conversation, which included "I want to go to the car" followed by "Me too, but I don't have a condom." FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 746

You deserved it 3 352

By CJ - 12/08/2016 01:02 - Canada - Lethbridge

Today, I was looking for a moustache comb, couldn't find it anywhere. Then I noticed it in a basket by the toilet with scissors. My wife's been using it to trim her pubes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 120

You deserved it 2 289

By Thanks Fred - 18/05/2019 00:05

Today, I discovered why there was such a horrible stench in my bedroom. My cat had a secret stash of shit under my dresser. Along with the carcass of a rat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 777

You deserved it 292

By chunkymonkey - 23/11/2011 23:54

Today, my boyfriend used a laser pointer to show me where I needed to lose weight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 744

You deserved it 6 257

Get out of there!

By Anonymous - 21/04/2021 15:30 - United States - Durham

Today, after I can't count how many times, my boyfriend of 5 years decided to break MORE things in our home, because I asked him not to let our son speak to me rudely. His response, "He said 'OK' so you should have shut up." Basically, he's raising my kid to treat me like he does. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 020

You deserved it 543

By DrakeScott - 02/11/2011 18:14 - United States

Today, I completed the arduous, nearly hour-long process of answering the eHarmony dating questionnaire, only to be told my answers were too "unique" for them to match me with anyone. I had chosen "the world" as my distance range. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 929

You deserved it 5 824

By Anonymous - 23/11/2015 05:44 - United States

Today, my one-year-old son threw up on the man sitting next to us on a plane. I felt bad and apologized profusely. When I tried to give him money for dry cleaning, he slapped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 819

You deserved it 3 611

By Anonymous - 21/08/2019 14:00 - United Kingdom - Bradford

Today, I got run over. Not by a car, but by a lady in a wheelchair. Am I really that invisible? FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 546

You deserved it 145

By mindlost - 07/01/2010 02:58 - United States

Today, I had an argument over whether or not I should buy some flowers. With myself. Out loud. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 239

You deserved it 29 391

Time out

By sadandmad - 20/01/2016 16:09 - United States - Bonita Springs

Today, my husband took a pill to make him last longer in bed. He did last longer. He went from 5 minutes to 7. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 028

You deserved it 2 882

By Yellow an - 26/01/2015 22:19 - United States

Today, all day, in a huge blizzard, I've been stuck with a very nice, but very ugly, toothless and rather large and somewhat smelly woman, who has been continuously saying, "It feels like we're dating. Doesn't it feel like we're dating?" Ugh. No, no it doesn't. And please don't kill me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 782

You deserved it 2 925

By sexisntfun - 30/03/2015 02:13 - United States

Today, I was about to lose my virginity to my girlfriend, with whom I am genuinely in love. Right after I'd got the condom on, she said, "You do know this is break-up sex, right?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 098

You deserved it 3 142

By Confused lesbian - 16/07/2018 13:30 - United States - Lynchburg

Today, I found a used condom in my bed. I haven't had sex in months and now I'm terrified. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 400

You deserved it 281

By Randall - 25/01/2011 07:28 - United States

Today, my uncle had a flashback to Vietnam. I'm now missing a tooth and have a cracked rib. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 568

You deserved it 3 423

By badmom - 06/11/2015 17:02 - Canada - Saint Catharines

Today, I did such a bad job explaining the recent change from daylight savings time, that my 5-year-old son is now convinced that we're time travellers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 156

You deserved it 4 738

By spougeineye1 - 03/04/2012 16:37 - United States - Tacoma

Today, I realized that due to my obsession with House MD, I seem to have subconsciously developed a limp in my right leg. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 303

You deserved it 29 848

By Anonymous - 05/05/2013 19:35 - United States - Bellevue

Today, my girlfriend and I were at the river. She threw mud on me, so I playfully threw some on her, and we got into a mud fight. Apparently, she took the "fight" seriously, because I'm now single. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 840

You deserved it 6 003

Boundaries please!

By mary - 08/06/2018 05:00

Today, my boyfriend threatened to break up with me because I still close the door when I go to the bathroom. He pees and poops with the door wide open and expects me to do the same. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 735

You deserved it 403

By LetMeOut - 11/11/2013 18:02 - United States - Richmond

Today, my husband got mad at me for not helping take out the groceries from the car. He yelled that I'm lazy, and that he regrets our marriage. I guess he forgot that the door handle on that side is broken and he had to let me out of the car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 901

You deserved it 4 605

Industrial logs

By wow - 19/02/2009 21:44 - United States

Today, I took a massive dump at work and clogged the industrial toilet. Since I used the unisex one at the end of the hall, I watched my super hot coworker walk in after me. And then she ran out immediately. Everyone had seen me walk out before her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 494

You deserved it 36 853

By hailey - 10/12/2012 05:10 - United States - Bethesda

Today, "The Phantom of the Opera" soundtrack blasted me awake at 4 am. Not knowing how it got on my iPod, I checked and found I had bought the whole $17.00 album in my sleep. This is the second time this month; the first time I downloaded the soundtrack from "The Wizard of Oz". FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 754

You deserved it 6 713

By Anonymous - 24/06/2013 20:26 - United States - Houston

Today, I took my girlfriend of nearly 2 years out to dinner so I could propose. When the waiter brought the check, I caused a bit of a scene to get everyone's attention. When I got on my knee and proposed, she said no and asked if I could hurry up and pay, because she was embarrassed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 659

You deserved it 18 218

Cuties

By Anonymous - 07/12/2020 02:02

Today, I shaved my penis and balls. When my girlfriend saw, she said, "You look like my little brother." He's 6 years old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 787

You deserved it 399

By Anonymous - 08/02/2011 23:29 - United States

Today, I went to get an ultrasound of my reproductive system done because I was having some abdominal pain. Everything was fine until the tech suddenly gasped and said, "Oh my God! You have two uteruses! Want me to print off a picture so you can show them off to your friends?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 755

You deserved it 3 561

By bregaja - 25/02/2016 18:59 - United States - Brandon

Today, my boyfriend introduced me to his mom for the very first time. After shaking my hand and looking me up and down, she loudly proclaimed, "She doesn't have the right hips to have kids." FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 788

You deserved it 1 611

By Jbs4lf - 27/12/2011 03:15 - Belgium

Today, I got punched in the face by a drunk because I couldn't give him any cigarettes. I don't smoke. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 512

You deserved it 2 682

By Anonymous - 06/04/2017 02:00

Today, they played Nickelback at our school dance. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 309

You deserved it 1 445

By GotGasNotLuck - 05/05/2015 10:50 - Australia - Girraween

Today, at my job in a gas station, a customer who had previously driven off without paying came in to shout abuse at me because I had said in the police statement, "He looks about 60." He is apparently 55. He didn't come in to pay, he came in to swear at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 166

You deserved it 2 234

By Anonymous - 08/09/2009 20:48 - Canada

Today, my boss fired me because a coworker had seen me reading magazines on the job. That same coworker was the one who offered me the magazine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 041

You deserved it 7 905

By Anonymous - 15/09/2011 20:03 - United States

Today, I lost my virginity to my boyfriend. Not only did he last just 2 minutes, he also sat there for a while afterwards, smacking his semi-erect penis in awe and saying, "Look, it's still hard! How crazy is that?!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 602

You deserved it 6 061

By :// - 05/11/2013 21:01 - United States - Romulus

Today, I woke up and went to the bathroom, only to find my dad sitting on the toilet, blind drunk. He screamed "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!" at me. I just wanted to shave. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 681

You deserved it 3 731

By Serum - 05/08/2013 16:41 - United States - Wichita

Today, I walked in on my husband putting my anti-wrinkle cream on his balls. He said, "I thought it'd help." FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 538

You deserved it 5 507

Right in the snowglobes

By Anonymous - 29/09/2020 13:02 - United Kingdom - Tilehurst

Today, my sister kicked me in the balls just before I went into the bathroom, as she wanted to use the shower first. Later, when I came out of the bathroom, she kneed me this time in the same spot because apparently I always make a mess in the bathroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 123

You deserved it 157

By notyouraverageteenager - 10/06/2010 07:06 - Australia

Today, I bought an expensive dress because it was me and my boyfriend's one year anniversary, and he was taking me somewhere nice. When he saw me in the dress, he looked at me, laughed and said, "Seriously, what are you wearing?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 237

You deserved it 7 301

By Stupid - 22/04/2013 06:58 - United States - Post Falls

Today, after a few weeks of my friends pestering me to spend time with a mutual friend, I realized we had a lot in common. We both love shoes, peanut butter, and it appears that my boyfriend of three years is her boyfriend of four years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 74 011

You deserved it 5 235

By megan - 01/04/2015 17:56 - United States - Lutz

Today, it's April Fool's day. I had to take a CPR class, and everything was going well. We took a break and I went to get a drink of water and started choking. They thought I was making fun of the class, and made me leave. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 137

You deserved it 2 455

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Top comments

KrystleLynn 0

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Monday 28 December 2009 17:25

your girlfriend rules dude. don't fuck with her.

g3rusz 6

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Monday 28 December 2009 16:47

On one hand, your life sucks because your GF doesn't. On the other hand, her reaction was absolutely hilarious...

sparkey0127 0

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Monday 28 December 2009 16:24

be like if ur willing to bite it why can't u jus suck it?

oceanrain 4

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Friday 19 October 2012 18:04

Because it strains your face.

christttinaaaxo 0

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Monday 28 December 2009 16:27

whoa haha

matineesuxxx 1

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Monday 28 December 2009 16:33

dann She a kinky One!

bkullas 0

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Monday 28 December 2009 16:36

damn 9 months and she won't have oral with you. FYL.

HanzoMain 5

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Tuesday 20 June 2017 1:20

for real she ain't about that life

g3rusz 6

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Monday 28 December 2009 16:47

On one hand, your life sucks because your GF doesn't. On the other hand, her reaction was absolutely hilarious...

White667 0

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Wednesday 30 December 2009 5:53

'Eh, nine months and she won't even do oral? Something is definitely wrong with that relationship.

J0gby 0

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Saturday 10 April 2010 1:27

damn op.... be a man and deal with it... maybe shes not ready.... jackass

michelleJ11 25

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Monday 26 August 2013 7:39

83, something is definitely wrong with your brain.

legendofdon 0

Monday 28 December 2009 16:52

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

Show it anyway

Whateveerrr 0

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Monday 28 December 2009 17:09

#6 thats not very nice!

blland 0

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Monday 28 December 2009 17:11

#6 thats very true!

spermonyourface 0

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Tuesday 29 December 2009 4:09

agreed fact = head is fun for us all

monster_tamer 11

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Tuesday 29 December 2009 4:50

Maybe she doesn't like the idea of oral sex because she's simply not ready for it? I know I would think twice before putting something like that in my mouth without fully embracing the idea with enthusiam. And perhaps OP doesn't- or is unwilling- to reciprocate. You, #6, are an insensitive toerag.

Spac3Ghost 0

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Tuesday 29 December 2009 15:31

its really cute how girls are like, "shame, she wont eat your junk, doesnt mean you must dump her" and all the guys are like "if she wont suck, she wont fuck, theres no luck, shaaaaaaame" lol =)

Youser 0

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Friday 26 March 2010 2:41

77 () wins.

liberal_spice 0

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Friday 28 May 2010 23:09

To be fair, I kind of understand where you're coming from. Sexual gratification is an important part of a relationship and if two people aren't on the same page and one wants something that the other's unwilling to provide then it probably won't work out.

kappaaa 12

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Friday 10 September 2010 13:37

 your an idiot.

pickles2b2 4

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Sunday 29 January 2012 4:52

Not all girls want penis in their mouth, ya know.

EffyFails 18

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Sunday 2 February 2014 2:20

not really

rachiestarr 0

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Monday 28 December 2009 17:16

i guess thats a no? haha

KrystleLynn 0

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Monday 28 December 2009 17:25

your girlfriend rules dude. don't fuck with her.

PePziNL 20

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Sunday 16 June 2013 18:05

He probably wont.

YoullLoveMe 6

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Monday 28 December 2009 17:29

forget about her. ill help u out.

Maverick5762 0

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Saturday 23 January 2010 3:27

I love people who post things like this. I'm tired of ignorant stuck up bible-thumpers saying YDI for being a slut or some stupid shit.

AntiTroll17 0

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Friday 12 February 2010 20:13

O.o Well, that's just wrong. You're sick.

ilysfm09 1

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Friday 4 June 2010 6:22

Wow, whore.

ninja_9881 0

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Saturday 25 September 2010 17:53

ill help him out and suck his dick hard

RavenBurga 0

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Friday 4 March 2011 5:53

woah yes please

buune 0

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Wednesday 14 March 2012 10:54

Problem solved op

science_nerd 5

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Thursday 11 October 2012 3:24

You do realize its a fake account, it's not really a girl whose account it is,

perdix 29

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Monday 28 December 2009 17:37

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

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darkgodxvx 4

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Thursday 27 January 2011 1:53

Agreed. while her response was totally awesome; girls that don't give head aren't worth it, nevermind ones who don't swallow. As a great philosophiser once said: "Swallow b$&@%, people are starving in Africa"