Today, I turned 35. I was given my first-ever orgasm by the best lover I've ever had: a massaging shower head from Wal-Mart. That I bought for myself. It was the only gift I received. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, it was my birthday, and my wife gave me a sex toy for self-masturbation. She even showed me how to properly use it so I can masturbate myself. FML
Today, as a 26 year-old woman, I had my first orgasm. I gave it to myself. None of my long-term relationships even came close. For almost 26 years I thought I would never have one. FML
Today, the only thing I got for my birthday was my boyfriend's offer to give me "the gift of anal". FML
Today, it's my birthday. I don't mind crappy gifts, but I have to wonder why the hell my boyfriend bought me a home enema kit. FML
Today, I got married. Tonight, I received the best orgasm of my life. Not from my husband; from the jacuzzi tub in our honeymoon suite, where he was passed out drunk. FML
Today, it's my birthday. My wife gave me a card that read, "You made it to 36!" It's my 35th birthday. FML
Today, at 26, I bought my first vibrator. I've never really masturbated before, because I've always been with a guy. I used it for the first time, and orgasmed in under 3 minutes. I guess this whole time the guys I've been with hadn’t in fact made me cum as much as I thought. FML
Today, it's my 35th birthday. My wife greeted me naked, and with an itemized list of what's off limits. A list of what was on the menu would've been much shorter and might have had better spelling. FML
Today, I received an early Christmas gift from my boyfriend of ten months. It was soap. In a few days he will be receiving his very expensive specialized car horn he has wanted for years, while I will be enjoying my new bar of Walmart brand soap, which has already begun to give me a rash. FML
Today, it's my birthday. My boyfriend took me to dinner and near the end, he pulled out a long, rectangular box. Thinking it was a necklace, I got very excited. It was a wand. FML
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Top comments
kate08_fml 0
that is a serious FML comment right there. F your life ... seriously
silkee_shiny 0
Happy Birthday hun :)
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Comments (197)
ASSRAPE 3
You poor soul.
UsingLogic 0
#86: Let me quote you here: "It's a preference for a particular gender and there's no shame in choosing to be homosexual just like there's no shame in choosing to be heterosexual." How the hell do you manage to choose your preferences? You say this like you just wake up in the morning and decide "Oh, today I want to like girls/football/chocolate". Other than that, why does saying that homosexuality is biological make it look like a disease? It's just different. The same way blond hair is different from brown hair. Do you think brown hair is a disease because it is due to biological causes? And what if in fact homosexuality is actually biological? So far studies show that the theory that is most likely to be true is the theory that says sexuality is determined by genes AND life events. If this theory turns out to be true, are you saying we should pretend it's not true just because it might make it seem like being gay is a disease?
lunchmeat317 0
Hey....look, I know this is cruel and I kind of hate to say this, but you have made me feel a hell of a lot better about myself. Thank you.
dripinwet 0
I have the same shower head... it is amazing... BF travels alot.. so at times.. it is my best friend... Can give you a mind blowing ****** for real........... happy birthday~!!!
24788 7
Lol, #119!
Turn1211 0
I've read a lot of FMLs but damn.....35 years with an ******? damn
isabella12195 0
#3, FYL!
esushi 0
#7 disgusts me. As a gay man, I am not this way because I decided to "try" it, I had no choice over it. There is nothing "homophobic" (#89) about believing homosexuality isn't a choice--really, it's entirely the opposite. Stop spreading your messages of hate against people who were born this way (which is all of us).
rt523 0
well, for those of you who didn't pay attention in sex ed a lot of women don't reach their sexual climax until they're like 30, whereas guys reach theirs at 18. theres nothing wrong with you. and sometimes those showerheads are way better than any guy can do. heh.
johnnyramone 0
i feel for you. if i knew you i would have given you something