Intimacy: Today, I turned 35. I was given my first-ever orgasm by the best...

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I turned 35. I was given my first-ever orgasm by the best lover I've ever had: a massaging shower head from Wal-Mart. That I bought for myself. It was the only gift I received. FML

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Intimacy

Understandable

Trust

Fairytale ending

By fmlimoverit - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 6 months broke up with me because he felt "our religious differences kept us apart." We've never talked about anything religious. Ever. FML

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30161

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By Anonymous - Australia - Sydney

The customer is always an ass

Today, I was yelled at by a customer, who was upset over having waited twenty minutes for a waiter to come take her order. Maybe it would be understandable, if she was sitting in an actual restaurant, and not a serve-yourself coffee house. FML

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By Steiner - United States - Troy

Today, my relatives won't acknowledge my existence unless I'm posting a picture of my cat. They only talk about the cat. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got a root canal. It wouldn't have been that bad if the dentist hadn't performed it on the wrong tooth. FML

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30943

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By kittyfiddlernono - Bulgaria - Pernik

Today, I went on a date with a seemingly really awesome guy. It went quite well, until dessert came and he started telling me why bestiality "isn't really so wrong, you know?" Riiiggghhttt. Looks like I'm still single. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke up from a nap and thought I felt somebody's arm in my bed. I frantically start hitting it and start screaming. I soon realized it was my own arm. I had fallen asleep on it, and it was completely numb, I couldn't feel a thing. FML

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By that girl - United States - Bessemer

Today, I was feeling horny, so I told my boyfriend, who lives 30 minutes away, that "I really needed him". He replied, "Did you fall in the toilet again?" FML

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By Anonymous - Sweden - Storfors

Today, my brother tried to convince me to get a clitoris piercing at his recently opened piercing studio. FML

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By Oddy - 17/11/2020 05:02 - Italy

Keep your distance

Today, I travelled by myself for the first time. I was seated next to a middle-aged man who was trying to convince me that I was his soulmate, kept touching my face and sniffing me. I'm 19 and it was a 6 hour flight. FML

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By yessir - United States

Today, my boyfriend rear ended a cop car because he was texting me. I was sitting next to him. FML

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18281

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By Anonymous - Netherlands - Amsterdam

Today, my new boyfriend and I really wanted to have sex, but he went soft as soon as he entered me. This happens every time we try. I feel cursed by my year-long dry spell. FML

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36692

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my very good friend ratted me out to my boss because I used the photocopier for personal use. He said he will always be my friend, but "rules are rules." FML

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By lee - Netherlands

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me over breakfast. In the afternoon I got to smile at him prettily for hours because he was the photographer in a session neither of us could get out of. FML

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By ekoblick - United States

Today, I got food poisoning from my wedding food. FML

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By John Brown

Today, my roommate told me that I have to find a new place to live because I make his new girlfriend uncomfortable. I just had surgery and am bedridden. FML

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3622

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By ice ice baby - United States - Monterey Park

Two Scoops

Today, it'd been so long since I last had sex, I was jolted out of my sleep by a body shaking orgasm. I was sweaty and breathless, and it took me a moment to realize it had been a dream. It would've been great except the subject of my nocturnal ecstasy was Vanilla Ice. FML

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By E_G_G_S_O_U_P

Today whilst riding my brand new dirt bike for the first time, the chain broke and slashed me down the back of the left leg with such force that it chipped the bone. FML

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9888

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By Med - Netherlands - Groningen

Today, after clubbing with my girlfriend, we went to her place. She then threw up on the floor, and went to clean herself up. When she came back, she'd forgotten that she'd just thrown up. She blamed me for puking, and kicked me out. It was 4:00 am and a 3-hour walk home. FML

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30639

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By dysfunctional_ravenclaw - United States - Houston

Today, I made the egregious mistake of going on RateMyTeachers. My students think that, while I'm a good teacher, I have constant "wardrobe malfunctions" and spill my "bloody ass tampons all over the place like a bitch". I teach 6th graders. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Dollard-des-ormeaux

Today, I went with my boyfriend to his church youth group for the first time. I found out a girl there likes him, when she decided to pull me off him while we were hugging, and take my place. FML

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48465

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I learned that scorpions can apparently hold their breath for hours, and that doing so makes them angry. I found this out when I removed a scorpion from the bottom of my pool and found that it was not entirely drowned. FML

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28547

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By twinkie2 - United States

Today, I treated myself to a cheeseburger. I left it on my coffee table while I grabbed a napkin from the kitchen. While I was gone my dog ate it. Then puked it up all over my carpet. Which I then had to clean up. FML

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24942

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By Ryanissaur - Australia

Today, being a music student, a professional orchestra performed a symphony that I wrote and dedicated to my girlfriend. It took months to compose and it the first and only time it was ever going to be played. My girlfriend forgot to come. FML

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51382

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By Alex - United States

Today, I noticed that my wife changed her status on Facebook to "widow" and a lot of strange guys commented saying stuff like "Finally." Last I checked, I'm not dead. FML

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By emergency - Canada

Today, I discovered that my mom and her disgusting mess of a boyfriend refer to his penis as "the monkey." And she says that I hate him because I'M immature. FML

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22183

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By Michele - United States

Today, while babysitting a six year old boy, he asked me if I could show him my "boobies." I said no, that wouldn't be very appropriate. Suddenly, he pulled down his pants/undies and pointed to his package while exclaiming, "Look, my penis is on again!" It was pointing RIGHT at me. FML

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By itwasathtebottomofmycoffeemug - United States - Santa Cruz

Today, I found out my son has a new hobby after seeing a picture on the internet: putting realistic-looking stickers of spiders at the bottom of my coffee mugs. My wife was scared half to death this morning after downing a cup of coffee and then glancing the cup's bottom. FML

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By dumb4$$0rz - United States

Today, the grades for one of my courses were released. The class average was higher than that which the department allowed, so the professor had to scale everyone's marks down to meet the policy. I ended up failing because my class was too smart. FML

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37119

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By rastamerican - United States - San Jose

Today, at a red light, my mom started to tell me that she and my dad hadn't had sex in months, that they "probably won't bounce back from this one," and are most likely getting a divorce. FML

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25720

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By Anonymous

Today, after many, many years of desperate bodily insecurity and therapy, I woke up next to the man of my dreams, who told me the sex was wonderful. Apparently, gin plays wonders with my memory. I don't remember a thing. And that was my first time. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2498

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I played Taboo with my boyfriend and my conservative family. It was my boyfriend's turn and his word was "cherry". His only clue to me was, "I popped your..." He was the only one who found it funny. FML

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By Username

Today, I got mugged. But luckily I had on my keyring the pepper spray that my husband had insisted I keep with me. Unlucky for me, my husband's co-worker, who borrowed my keys, emptied my pepper by spraying it on a brick wall one day when he was bored. FML

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36300

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By Venus - United States - La Crescenta

Today, upon being asked to name all the planets, I had to sing along to a Lady Gaga song in my head to remember them. FML

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32176

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By lulabell - United States

Today, I waved at a cute guy when I was leaving Wendy's. I then ran into a curb, spilled my frosty, and hit my head on the steering wheel. I turned around and both the cute guy and his dad were in hysterics. FML

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16219

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I am taking a 16 hour flight. Five minutes in, the lady on one side has clipped her toenails onto me and the guy on the other side has the most horrific gas I have ever smelled. To help this problem he bought a cheese plate from the stewardess. 15 hours and 55 minutes to go. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40360

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By RhuLynette - United Kingdom

Today, I managed to get locked inside a caravan toilet. My relatives heard me having a panic attack and instead of unlocking the door, they called the neighbours over to enjoy my anguish and embarrassment. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26590

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By MAC - France

Today, like every other day, I turn up at work at the security guard's gate to show my ID badge. Except that my brother had stuck a huge "FBI" sticker on it. My co-workers now all call me Mulder. FML

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20318

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By sleepy

Today, I was trying to fall asleep. Unfortunately, my next-door neighbor's baby began to cry. I closed the window and rolled over, unable to hear the crying anymore. My dog's hearing is better than mine, and so he started barking. Goodbye, good night's sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1526

You deserved it

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By ouchers - United States

Today, I was at the mall with my mom. She was pissing me off, so I started screaming at her and causing a scene. I ended up falling all the way down the up escalator. Everyone saw and people clapped. FML

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38243

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By Anonymous - United States - Pasadena

In a zoo

Today, I learned that I am referred to as the girl who has "the ass like Beyoncé, but a face like a gorilla". FML

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Top comments

By kate08_fml | 0

#156433 - Thursday 30 April 2009 16:14

that is a serious FML comment right there.
F your life ... seriously

By silkee_shiny | 0

#156448 - Thursday 30 April 2009 16:19

Happy Birthday hun :)

COMMENTS

By kate08_fml | 0

#156433 - Thursday 30 April 2009 16:14

that is a serious FML comment right there.
F your life ... seriously

MadeOfAwesome | 1

#987802 - Monday 3 May 2010 4:46

Why would a showerhead need to massage?O.o

*threadjacks shamelessly*

Dmars444 | 4

#2488771 - Tuesday 10 May 2011 15:15

it's not a massaging showerhead as such, I'm guessing it's the streams that apply pressure so it would feel like a massage on your head/back/other.

iBiteRoses | 22

#3449190 - Tuesday 18 October 2011 8:32

"Other" is right! YEAH

Scarlettx7 | 0

#3713172 - Sunday 11 December 2011 1:58

Go on a dating website , your probably too shy

By BannedDistress78 | 0

#156444 - Thursday 30 April 2009 16:17

maybe you should call me xD

By greenman_fml | 0

#156445 - Thursday 30 April 2009 16:18

Reenact that display in public and maybe you'll get some action

By EmbalmingTheatre | 0

#156447 - Thursday 30 April 2009 16:19

FYL indeed, I sincerely feel sorry for you.

By silkee_shiny | 0

#156448 - Thursday 30 April 2009 16:19

Happy Birthday hun :)

By rosetintedglassz | 0

#156450 - Thursday 30 April 2009 16:20

You could try batting for the other team. Some times I feel sorry for straight women and what they are missing out on. All of these stories about women never reaching climax during sex and I just wonder why lesbianism isn't more popular. While the shower head has a 100% success rate, I can say with confidence that my GF has about a 95% success rate and they are a thousand times better than what the shower head can do. Good luck to you.

srammer99 | 0

#842669 - Thursday 11 February 2010 0:39

shutup

xJaypex | 0

#1847078 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 10:05

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

PenultimateTaco | 14

#5749262 - Sunday 10 November 2013 10:28

#190 What the hell? I'm not even sure if you're serious, but what she's saying is completely true.

joeyl2008 | 29

#6536674 - Sunday 14 February 2016 15:26

If she didn't have her first orgasm until 35 I think it's fairly obvious it isn't any guys fault.

By _no_fyourlife | 0

#156454 - Thursday 30 April 2009 16:23

Technically its not a gift if you bought it for yourself. If you had have given it to somebody to give to you that would have been ok though.

bartholemew4life | 0

#427255 - Saturday 25 July 2009 8:04

haha to technicalities.

SpicyMaduros | 4

#3036703 - Thursday 4 August 2011 11:11

Nonsense, she may have given herself the gift, but the gift gave her orgasm! Now I know what to get when someone asks for the gift that keeps on giving...

By mylifeisFML56 | 0

#156468 - Thursday 30 April 2009 16:27

you need to buy yourself a rabbit or a form6... more $ than a shower head, but less drama than a boyfriend, (or a girlfriend)...

By hayley320 | 0

#156470 - Thursday 30 April 2009 16:28

MAKE YOUR DAY AN AWESOME DAY BY CHECKING OUT MY VIDEOS

www.youtube.com/user/hayleyisino320

GO ON IT!!!

By oldskool_fml | 0

#156474 - Thursday 30 April 2009 16:29

Well..happy birthday..and look on the bright side..Your VERY self-sufficient..Put THAT on your resume', lol!!!!!