Miscellaneous: Today, the only thing I got for my birthday was my boyfriend's...

By Anonymous - 30/04/2014 21:51 - United States

Today, the only thing I got for my birthday was my boyfriend's offer to give me "the gift of anal". FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 481

You deserved it 5 495

Miscellaneous

This Charming Man

Dysfunctional

Shot from both sides

By Anonymous - 17/06/2015 12:14

Today, my pregnant girlfriend and I moved into our first home together, signing a 1-year lease. Less than 12 hours later, we've discovered that the place is infested with cockroaches and we have a mouse. The landlord won't let us out of the contract. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 307

You deserved it 5 228

By IDPlease - 07/12/2018 03:00

Today my job started requiring all transactions regarding cigarettes or alcohol to have the ID scanned before proceeding. There is no way yo bypass this function. I carded a 60 year old man and his 40 year old son who both yelled at me for 10 minutes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 868

You deserved it 172

By Anonymous - 10/06/2019 05:19 - United Kingdom - Oldbury

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I was too tired for sex, which she interpreted as me confessing to not wanting to have sex with her because I’m having sex with other women. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 265

You deserved it 263

By I need cuddles - 26/08/2019 20:00

Today, I realized that the only time my boyfriend is physically affectionate with me is when he wants to have sex. When I suggested we just cuddle, he looked at me and said, "What’s the point in that?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 960

You deserved it 312

By ckatia - 30/08/2016 09:29 - France - Paris

Today, my eyesight is getting terrible. I saw a white cat in front of my house, so I went up to it. To my delight it didn’t move, so I bent down to stroke it. Wrong call, it was a plastic bag. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 711

You deserved it 2 199

By Anonymous - 11/10/2015 04:20 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, my son told me that he doesn't need to go to school because he doesn't need a job. It turns out he plans to get a life sentence in prison and live the rest of his life at the taxpayers' expense. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 190

You deserved it 3 757

By WhatTheBleep - 09/04/2011 04:02 - United States

Today, I found out that my now-ex slept with his not-so-ex the day before our wedding. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 360

You deserved it 3 522

Fire in the hole!

By CarrieBerrie - 14/08/2020 17:01

Today, after being woken up with the intense urge to go to the bathroom, and having gone to the bathroom three times in the last hour, I finally realized I took two laxatives instead of two Midol. My ass is on fire. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 260

You deserved it 493

By stupidupid - 06/02/2010 12:35 - Philippines

Today, we had a NAT for our preparation for college. I did quite well and knew most of the answers. When I turned mine in, I realised I forgot to write my name. The proctor doesn't allow giving back test papers after it is turned in. And no, I can't retake it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 482

You deserved it 30 235

By _whyy_mee - 02/07/2015 18:00 - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, my neighbor yelled at me for driving recklessly. I was going 35 mph, and she was stopped in the middle of a road around a blind curve. My "reckless driving" was slamming on the brakes so I wouldn't hit her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 684

You deserved it 1 945

By anonymous - 15/10/2017 01:30

Today, my dad's face flushed when I introduced him to my new boyfriend. I live in a small town, and it turns out my dad recognized him. He's the secret child from an affair two decades ago. He's my half-brother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 053

You deserved it 308

By I shaved my legs for this - 02/08/2018 01:30

Today, I prepared for my first date in two years. I shaved my legs, did my hair and nails, painted my face, found the perfect outfit, then waited for hours for a man who never came. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 180

You deserved it 306

By Chelsea - 27/02/2013 22:39 - United States - Aurora

Today, I walked outside to this guy attempting to steal my bike. When I asked him what he was doing he calmly replied, "I'm a bike inspector. You hooked your chain all wrong! This time is a warning; next time it'll be a ticket!" He then threw his full, opened Pepsi can at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 898

You deserved it 2 653

By whitey - 09/01/2011 11:11 - Australia

Today, I went to the beach. After applying sunscreen liberally and doing my best to stay out of the sun, I came home with the worst sunburn I have ever had. I almost needed to go to the hospital. I am officially too pale to be allowed outside in summer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 309

You deserved it 4 225

By Anonymous - 25/08/2015 07:32 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was undressing for my girlfriend. I thought I was being all smooth and sexy, until I went to sit on the side of the bed and beckon her over. Instead, I sat heavily on my balls, screamed, then fell off the bed sobbing like a girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 237

You deserved it 7 084

By Anonymous - 16/11/2010 15:35 - Romania

Today, in my journalism class, after trying hard to find some actual news to comment, we ended up talking about gay porn and fashion designers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 420

You deserved it 21 009

By Alex - 05/02/2016 22:55 - United States - Elizabethtown

Today, my fiancée woke up from a nightmare where I cheated on her. She has so far successfully gotten into my personal and work e-mails, and all my social media. I'm not sure if I'm worse at picking a wife or at picking passwords. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 025

You deserved it 2 952

By Noname - 02/02/2009 04:31 - United States

Today, I was looking after my parents house and their wiener dog, and fell asleep on the couch. The dog climbed onto my shoulders and rested behind my head like a doggie neck pillow. All was great until she farted right in my left ear. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 753

You deserved it 7 024

By N - 27/11/2012 03:13 - Denmark - Copenhagen

Today, after being single for a while now, I unwillingly went on a blind date with a guy my friend convinced me would be perfect for me. He took me to McDonald's; his father was with him the whole entire time. He is 27. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 201

You deserved it 2 339

By Weddingbelles - 12/09/2016 15:52 - United States - Saint Louis

Today, at the end of my 10-hour shift, my manager made me count exactly how many business cards were left in inventory before I could leave. She didn't believe me when the number came to exactly 3000. She made me count them all again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 199

You deserved it 769

By Anonymous - 23/09/2009 12:08 - Australia

Today, my husband blew all the candles on his birthday cake while I was taking a photo in front of him. I will probably never use cocoa powder to decorate a birthday cake anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 885

You deserved it 39 379

By Anonymous - 07/06/2009 23:15 - United States

Today, I found out my mom paid my best friend $20 to be my friend when we were 10. FML

I agree, your life sucks 143 230

You deserved it 8 147

Saturday Night Fever-ish

By lonely - 15/09/2019 04:05 - Canada - Granby

Today, I invited a bunch of friends over to hang out and watch a movie. It's been two hours since everyone was supposed to turn up, and no one has showed. Thanks, friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 779

You deserved it 125

Get out while you still can

By Bullet dodged - 20/02/2021 00:59 - United Kingdom

Today, my fiancée called off our wedding out of the blue. After a long discussion about it, it turns out that last week I voiced an opinion about the wedding she didn’t agree with, and doesn’t want to spend her life married to someone who’s going to argue with her every five minutes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 116

You deserved it 120

By mylifeisamovie - 28/02/2009 06:39 - United States

Today, I woke up to a tap on my shoulder and had no idea where I was. I quickly discovered It was 11 am and I was still at the bar I had been drinking at the night before. My shoes were gone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 617

You deserved it 58 611

Thanks, I hate it

By Anonymous - 08/05/2021 03:59

Today, my husband excitedly came home from the gun show with a new lower receiver. I, however, had to go back out and get my own birthday cake. FML

I agree, your life sucks 901

You deserved it 102

Terminology

By yummy - 30/05/2011 03:34 - United States

Today, I learned that "eating someone out" didn't actually involve food. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 520

You deserved it 84 037

By Text - 25/04/2011 16:27 - United States

Today, I asked my friend to stop texting me, because I'm on a limited plan and didn't want to go over my limit. She responded by getting a group of her friends to text bomb me. I got well over a hundred one-word texts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 168

You deserved it 8 349

By Anonymous - 28/06/2013 19:41 - United States - Chicago Ridge

Today, a girl from my college, who's been following me around for months, finally asked me out. Not being interested, I politely declined. Now she's convinced everyone that we hooked up and that I have an incredibly small penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 678

You deserved it 7 441

Thermoregulation wars

By NoCirculation - 24/11/2020 14:03 - Netherlands - Utrecht

Today, my boyfriend is wearing a t-shirt and shorts. I'm wearing leggings, sweatpants, a vest, t-shirt, jumper and hoodie. If we turn the heating any higher, he starts overheating and sweating. At the current level, I'm still shivering. FML

I agree, your life sucks 884

You deserved it 263

Great help

By got got - 30/01/2020 14:00

Today, I just moved in with my friend and had my brother help with the move. Later that night both my brother and my friend wouldn't let me sleep because of how loud the sex was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 239

You deserved it 287

By Anonymous - 31/10/2010 15:34 - United States

Today, I was running a marathon for my school. Two hot girls started talking to me, so I glanced at them and smiled. I turned back, just in time to knee a little boy in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 072

You deserved it 7 770

By SODbeatlesMCRlp - 19/11/2010 16:54 - United States

Today, I came home and found a can of body spray. My parents get me a new scent whenever they go shopping, which is usually at least twice a week. They left a note: "Do you get it yet?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 732

You deserved it 34 980

By PerturbedStudent - 09/12/2015 23:42 - United States - Keller

Today, I finally received my first love letter. Too bad it was from the boy who lit me on fire two months ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 565

You deserved it 1 635

By cartrouble - 25/11/2010 03:52 - United States

Today, my car broke down. My boyfriend, who is not too handy, insisted on fixing it. He called me outside and said he was done and started the engine. Moments after rejoicing, it burst into flames. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 531

You deserved it 6 746

By Anonymous - 24/01/2017 22:00

Today, I got reverse suspended for correcting my teacher. Now my mom has to go to all my high school classes with me for a week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 985

You deserved it 617

By Anonymous - 25/09/2014 12:18 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, we had a meeting at my job and we had to introduce new ideas to our boss. Earlier, I was talking to one of my close friends who also attended the meeting about my idea. As we start the meeting, she decides to steal my idea and take complete credit for it. My boss loves "her" idea. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 301

You deserved it 6 810

By wowimdumb - 30/01/2011 00:35 - United States

Today, I was at a power lifting meet when a girl I really liked walked in. Trying to impress her, I increased my bench to 350, when I have only done 300 before. She then watched me drop it on my chest, breaking my breast bone, and also crying in the process. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 436

You deserved it 70 039

By Anonymous - 06/12/2010 19:11 - United States

Today, I was smoking while driving. A cop pulled me over and asked if I knew what I did wrong. I thought he could smell the tobacco, so I decided to just admit it. As it turns out, I was going well over the speed limit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 298

You deserved it 39 675

By dumped and dusted - 13/07/2016 17:35 - United States

Today, 3 weeks after my girlfriend told me she was pregnant, she admitted it was a lie. Turned out it was just a test to see if I'd break up with her or not. I didn't, but I did just break the bank buying all the things we'd need for an actual kid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 206

You deserved it 1 939

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Top comments

TaiReiSi 12

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Thursday 1 May 2014 5:20

Wait, whose birthday does he think it is?

tygerarmy 35

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Thursday 1 May 2014 5:25

So, what did he say when you told him to bend over?

TaiReiSi 12

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Thursday 1 May 2014 5:20

Wait, whose birthday does he think it is?

iBanana 17

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Thursday 1 May 2014 5:22

Yeah I heard anal hurts. Birthdays aren't supposed to be painful.

kangx1 28

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Thursday 1 May 2014 5:25

Birthdays are always painful birthday beats

gjikvtj 18

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Thursday 1 May 2014 5:36

I'm new here, are we going the break up with him way, file a lawsuit way or don't worry OP it'll get better way?

fmlgiraffe 23

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Thursday 1 May 2014 5:41

#3 - not painful if you do it right, and take it slowly!

incoherentrmblr 21

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Thursday 1 May 2014 5:51

Says the giraffe that's really a cat...

fortune789 17

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Thursday 1 May 2014 6:35

I don't think I'll ever be using nature's condom.

1dvs_bstd 41

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Thursday 1 May 2014 10:41

yup that pretty much sums FML comments. The one I hate most is "you mean ex, right?!"

PageantGirlXOXO 16

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Thursday 1 May 2014 14:17

Who needs abstinence when you can just do anal???

ibanghellokitty 8

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Saturday 3 May 2014 23:19

Then it'll be alright 8) -#28

klovemachine 24

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Thursday 1 May 2014 5:20

That is a crappy gift :O

unjustlychicken 10

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Thursday 1 May 2014 5:38

you had to do it, didnt you?

95DeVille 13

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Thursday 1 May 2014 5:52

I'm going to start getting anal about these shitty puns, no ifs, ands, or butts about it.

incoherentrmblr 21

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Thursday 1 May 2014 6:09

...Sphincter...

95DeVille 13

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Thursday 1 May 2014 7:25

@39, glad you got my Family Guy reference.

hotbutthurttoast 13

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Friday 2 May 2014 5:16

I'd be pretty pissed off

tzemmy 25

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Thursday 1 May 2014 5:23

Well, ehat did you say?

lambda_fml 40

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Thursday 1 May 2014 6:27

I think she asked for e Hat as a present instead. See what I did there (;

Rob3062 3

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Thursday 1 May 2014 5:23

Offer him back the gift of singleness

xlord 27

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Thursday 1 May 2014 5:25

....or offer him back the gift of anal ;)

eyepuppy 31

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Thursday 1 May 2014 5:33

So much win in this thread :D

cakefete2 30

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Thursday 1 May 2014 5:38

I like the way you think, Xlord. When OP gives her bf the "gift of anal", she should be sure to hide the receipt so he can't return the gift.

Pussycat86 18

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Friday 2 May 2014 3:33

My ex once asked to give me the same gift, I said I would if he would let me give him the same gift first! He agreed! My sex life was shitty!

tygerarmy 35

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Thursday 1 May 2014 5:25

So, what did he say when you told him to bend over?

Puffytruffles 18

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Thursday 1 May 2014 11:10

"It's ok. Come in dry."

SunTzu2 9

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Thursday 1 May 2014 20:56

I love it!!! Hahaha... I mean tygerarmys classic sense of humor! Good one

driftlobster 10

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Thursday 1 May 2014 5:26

He sounds like a pain in the ass.

GirlGamer12345 22

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Thursday 1 May 2014 18:15

I think she's being to butthurt

L2U7A_E5I9A2E8H 20

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Thursday 1 May 2014 5:26

I would give him the gift of a good slap across the face

BexBaby86 21

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Thursday 1 May 2014 5:27

Spankings sure! Anal.. Not so much. Unless trying something new on your birthday is something you're willing to do. Happy birthday anyways!

onlychildFTW 33

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Thursday 1 May 2014 11:07

If he wants anal she should put on a strap on and give him anal.

mcrblackred 8

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Thursday 1 May 2014 5:28

At first I read brother instead of boyfriend... at least it wasn't that awkward!

RedPillSucks 31

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Thursday 1 May 2014 5:28

You should have told him bend over so you can receive his anal gift with the end of your foot

TheDrifter 23

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Thursday 1 May 2014 19:18

Ouch RPS, straight to extreme insertions? I'd say she should at least break him in with a fist or something first.

AlwaysWatching 27

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Thursday 1 May 2014 22:22

I think maybe they meant OP would be kicking her boyfriend's butt.

Nearly

Today, I feel like I'm going crazy as I'm in a 2-year relationship with a guy who's 17 years older than me (I'm 23). He's a wonderful partner and I'm totally in love, but the age gap causes monthly, sometimes daily, shifts between wanting to have it all with him, and wanting to leave him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5

You deserved it 39

Today, it has been 7 years of me submitting FML’s. I don’t know what worse, that I’ve submitted so many of that none have never been featured. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44

You deserved it 23

Spicy

Today, I found out on Facebook that my mom and step-dad have an open marriage. To make matters worse, my step-dad shamed me for not being more sex positive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 100

You deserved it 25

Today, I found out why my husband faked being sick on Thanksgiving. He was invited to Thanksgiving dinner by to the coworker he’s seeing. She was planning to introduce him to her family. He never told her he was married, so knowing I would tag along if he came, he faked having a “fever” so he couldn’t go out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 415

You deserved it 23

Fire in the hole!

Saturday Night Fever-ish

Get out while you still can

Thanks, I hate it

Terminology

Thermoregulation wars

Great help

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