Today, I turned 35. I was given my first-ever orgasm by the best lover I've ever had: a massaging shower head from Wal-Mart. That I bought for myself. It was the only gift I received. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, it was my birthday, and my wife gave me a sex toy for self-masturbation. She even showed me how to properly use it so I can masturbate myself. FML
Today, as a 26 year-old woman, I had my first orgasm. I gave it to myself. None of my long-term relationships even came close. For almost 26 years I thought I would never have one. FML
Today, the only thing I got for my birthday was my boyfriend's offer to give me "the gift of anal". FML
Today, it's my birthday. I don't mind crappy gifts, but I have to wonder why the hell my boyfriend bought me a home enema kit. FML
Today, I got married. Tonight, I received the best orgasm of my life. Not from my husband; from the jacuzzi tub in our honeymoon suite, where he was passed out drunk. FML
Today, it's my birthday. My wife gave me a card that read, "You made it to 36!" It's my 35th birthday. FML
Today, at 26, I bought my first vibrator. I've never really masturbated before, because I've always been with a guy. I used it for the first time, and orgasmed in under 3 minutes. I guess this whole time the guys I've been with hadn’t in fact made me cum as much as I thought. FML
Today, it's my 35th birthday. My wife greeted me naked, and with an itemized list of what's off limits. A list of what was on the menu would've been much shorter and might have had better spelling. FML
Today, I received an early Christmas gift from my boyfriend of ten months. It was soap. In a few days he will be receiving his very expensive specialized car horn he has wanted for years, while I will be enjoying my new bar of Walmart brand soap, which has already begun to give me a rash. FML
Today, it's my birthday. My boyfriend took me to dinner and near the end, he pulled out a long, rectangular box. Thinking it was a necklace, I got very excited. It was a wand. FML
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Top comments
kate08_fml 0
that is a serious FML comment right there. F your life ... seriously
silkee_shiny 0
Happy Birthday hun :)
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Comments (197)
itzdashit 0
Ill give you one send me a pic
PAPYAIX 0
YDI for buying stuff at Wal-Mart
yuyo_fml 0
hey babe i dont suck at sex ;) come and try
jdave21 0
if you ever come to nc lets get together
jen_kay 0
Dudee, thats a serious FML. ever try that e-harmony, or eharmony stuff?
thisismylifetoda 0
This is the SAME PERSON! THESE THINGS DON'T HAPPEN TO 'ANONYMOUS' BECAUSE THIS PERSON LEAVES MULTIPLE STORIES EVERY DAY AS A GUY AND A GIRL AND HE/SHE USES 'PROCEEDS TO' WAY TOO MUCH WHICH GETS ON MY NERVES AND SHORT SENTENCES AT THE END....LEARN TO WRITE!
IllegalLight 0
I feel so bad for you. First ****** at 35?
Pearson_fml 0
sorry to hear that.....but if you want an ****** from a person, I'm usually around
thnxfrthvenom 0
wow.. 35?! really?!
funnymonkey_fml 0
#163...no offense but u must be really desperate to want to hook up with someone who had their first ****** at age 35