Today, I turned 35. I was given my first-ever orgasm by the best lover I've ever had: a massaging shower head from Wal-Mart. That I bought for myself. It was the only gift I received. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, it was my birthday, and my wife gave me a sex toy for self-masturbation. She even showed me how to properly use it so I can masturbate myself. FML
Today, as a 26 year-old woman, I had my first orgasm. I gave it to myself. None of my long-term relationships even came close. For almost 26 years I thought I would never have one. FML
Today, the only thing I got for my birthday was my boyfriend's offer to give me "the gift of anal". FML
Today, it's my birthday. I don't mind crappy gifts, but I have to wonder why the hell my boyfriend bought me a home enema kit. FML
Today, I got married. Tonight, I received the best orgasm of my life. Not from my husband; from the jacuzzi tub in our honeymoon suite, where he was passed out drunk. FML
Today, it's my birthday. My wife gave me a card that read, "You made it to 36!" It's my 35th birthday. FML
Today, at 26, I bought my first vibrator. I've never really masturbated before, because I've always been with a guy. I used it for the first time, and orgasmed in under 3 minutes. I guess this whole time the guys I've been with hadn’t in fact made me cum as much as I thought. FML
Today, it's my 35th birthday. My wife greeted me naked, and with an itemized list of what's off limits. A list of what was on the menu would've been much shorter and might have had better spelling. FML
Today, I received an early Christmas gift from my boyfriend of ten months. It was soap. In a few days he will be receiving his very expensive specialized car horn he has wanted for years, while I will be enjoying my new bar of Walmart brand soap, which has already begun to give me a rash. FML
Today, it's my birthday. My boyfriend took me to dinner and near the end, he pulled out a long, rectangular box. Thinking it was a necklace, I got very excited. It was a wand. FML
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Top comments
kate08_fml 0
that is a serious FML comment right there. F your life ... seriously
silkee_shiny 0
Happy Birthday hun :)
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Comments (197)
honeydew1000 0
sad panda :(
looking_glass 0
Ugh....lover is such a gross term! But FYL
CassandraBear93 0
I've been able to have orgasms since I was 6 .. you are sad
buzzair1001 0
wtf?
ThisPerson89 0
Susan Boyle?
chantille_fml 0
my ex of over a year could hardly ever give me orgasms, but we have a hand held shower head. so whenever im in the mood it takes me about 10 minutes to climax. and the orgasms i give myself are 100 times better than my boyfriend ever gave me. so im with ya!
biglizqotwf 0
you should have done that 20 years ago. how you did it, no clue. showerhead was my first intro to proper nastybation at 18. had my first O before that, though.
Joel_mama 0
By a vibrator. Or a gigalo. Or something.
CAITx4OH1xCORE 0
Aww. :/
i_r_so_silleh 0
DON'T FEEL BAD!! i'm 17 and not tooo bad looking, but i still think that shower heads are way better than men at giving orgasms. my life motto is practically "who needs a man when you have a shower head." people should stop being so cruel.
bella114 0
I always do that. But the mini massagers work way better.