Today, I turned 35. I was given my first-ever orgasm by the best lover I've ever had: a massaging shower head from Wal-Mart. That I bought for myself. It was the only gift I received. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, it was my birthday, and my wife gave me a sex toy for self-masturbation. She even showed me how to properly use it so I can masturbate myself. FML
Today, as a 26 year-old woman, I had my first orgasm. I gave it to myself. None of my long-term relationships even came close. For almost 26 years I thought I would never have one. FML
Today, the only thing I got for my birthday was my boyfriend's offer to give me "the gift of anal". FML
Today, it's my birthday. I don't mind crappy gifts, but I have to wonder why the hell my boyfriend bought me a home enema kit. FML
Today, I got married. Tonight, I received the best orgasm of my life. Not from my husband; from the jacuzzi tub in our honeymoon suite, where he was passed out drunk. FML
Today, it's my birthday. My wife gave me a card that read, "You made it to 36!" It's my 35th birthday. FML
Today, at 26, I bought my first vibrator. I've never really masturbated before, because I've always been with a guy. I used it for the first time, and orgasmed in under 3 minutes. I guess this whole time the guys I've been with hadn’t in fact made me cum as much as I thought. FML
Today, it's my 35th birthday. My wife greeted me naked, and with an itemized list of what's off limits. A list of what was on the menu would've been much shorter and might have had better spelling. FML
Today, I received an early Christmas gift from my boyfriend of ten months. It was soap. In a few days he will be receiving his very expensive specialized car horn he has wanted for years, while I will be enjoying my new bar of Walmart brand soap, which has already begun to give me a rash. FML
Today, it's my birthday. My boyfriend took me to dinner and near the end, he pulled out a long, rectangular box. Thinking it was a necklace, I got very excited. It was a wand. FML
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Top comments
kate08_fml 0
that is a serious FML comment right there. F your life ... seriously
silkee_shiny 0
Happy Birthday hun :)
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Comments (197)
mrbuddy 0
You're either not good at sex (it takes WORK on BOTH people's end) to get there. Or you are one of those few women who have a very difficult time of it. But seeing as the shower head was your only gift, no friends, nothing..... You must suck. Try taking responsibility for your life, it's not anyone else's fault. If no man can last long enough, go get gang banged.
missus_butter 0
Plus side? Now you can have an ****** any time you shower. Sounds like your life just got better. Those showerheads are AWESOME.
mustlovemarvin 0
I know exactly how you feel *sigh*
jmbizzle32 0
crap i mean like crap i feel so sorry for you i mean like why did this happen your probaly a really good person i sure your friends had something planed for you maybe they were going 2 get you a blind date you never know but i didn't even know they had massaging shower heads but yeah if not your friends then maybe your family had something so dont feel bad i mean your not alone in the world :-) don't give up hope
PurplishRainbow 0
Umm lmaoo first ******(;
salamander_fml 0
WOOOOOOOOOW Youre ******* retarded if you couldn't figure that one out before you were 35
AmarilloFML 0
Don't worry. After the first one, it gets much easier to climax after that.
ifeelasif 0
im sorry, i mean they made a move about steve carrel or whatever.. make a movie get famous.. youll be fine:/
Caidoz_fml 0
wow thats pretty sad
AB_fml 0
I say fake. Otherwise you wouldn't be posting this