Today, I turned 35. I was given my first-ever orgasm by the best lover I've ever had: a massaging shower head from Wal-Mart. That I bought for myself. It was the only gift I received. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, it was my birthday, and my wife gave me a sex toy for self-masturbation. She even showed me how to properly use it so I can masturbate myself. FML
Today, as a 26 year-old woman, I had my first orgasm. I gave it to myself. None of my long-term relationships even came close. For almost 26 years I thought I would never have one. FML
Today, the only thing I got for my birthday was my boyfriend's offer to give me "the gift of anal". FML
Today, it's my birthday. I don't mind crappy gifts, but I have to wonder why the hell my boyfriend bought me a home enema kit. FML
Today, I got married. Tonight, I received the best orgasm of my life. Not from my husband; from the jacuzzi tub in our honeymoon suite, where he was passed out drunk. FML
Today, it's my birthday. My wife gave me a card that read, "You made it to 36!" It's my 35th birthday. FML
Today, at 26, I bought my first vibrator. I've never really masturbated before, because I've always been with a guy. I used it for the first time, and orgasmed in under 3 minutes. I guess this whole time the guys I've been with hadn’t in fact made me cum as much as I thought. FML
Today, it's my 35th birthday. My wife greeted me naked, and with an itemized list of what's off limits. A list of what was on the menu would've been much shorter and might have had better spelling. FML
Today, I received an early Christmas gift from my boyfriend of ten months. It was soap. In a few days he will be receiving his very expensive specialized car horn he has wanted for years, while I will be enjoying my new bar of Walmart brand soap, which has already begun to give me a rash. FML
Today, it's my birthday. My boyfriend took me to dinner and near the end, he pulled out a long, rectangular box. Thinking it was a necklace, I got very excited. It was a wand. FML
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Top comments
kate08_fml 0
that is a serious FML comment right there. F your life ... seriously
silkee_shiny 0
Happy Birthday hun :)
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Comments (197)
A_Guy 0
Are you also a virgin?
kasha_fml 0
I don't know why everyone is being so unsympathetic about not having had an ******. For some people it can be extremely difficult for some women, for countless reasons, and NOT for lack of trying!
rachelbrianna25 0
I so agree with # 8. next year u should mail it to yourself. wow though. u are 35 & just now got an ******. damn u have been missing out for awhile... I mean Happy Birthday.
kasha_fml 0
112 - Couldn't you buy one online, assuming you have your own debit card? That was my strategy when I was 17, anyway.. :P
exthalion 0
You deserved it because it took you 35 years. Really, I'm happy for you, you deserved one
codyl 0
I'm with # 42. There is absolutely a man, or even multiple men, that will have sex with any one woman at any time during the day. It's a fact.
Woosh 0
Erm, I'm guessing if that was her first ****** it isn't as easy as saying 'oh get yourself a man'. I've had very good lovers, and I still haven't had an ******. For some girls it's just biologically impossible, or at least extremely diffcult to achieve. Vibrator, no help. Sex therapist, no help. I'll probably consider myself lucky if I can get there by 35 to be honest, starting to lose hope. Happy Birthday!
PianoManGidley 0
This is what you get for your abstinence-only programs.
ShadowMystika 0
Wow your life sounds depressing. FYL indeed. You need to get out more.
cinella 0
oh... i think this is one of the genuinely saddest FMLs I've ever read. ...Hire a prostitute?