Today, I asked my girlfriend when she would give me a blowjob.... - FML

By Sal - 3/3/2009 18:29 - United States

Today, I asked my girlfriend when she would give me a blowjob. She replied, "you know that won't happen, I'm a vegetarian." FML

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Season finale

Tense

A beautiful truck decoration

By Anonymous - 14/9/2020 08:01

Sliced and diced

Today, our sons, who we thought were asleep, came barging into our room in the middle of the first blowjob my wife has given me in weeks. She was so shocked, she bit down and pulled away at the same time, tearing the big vein on the top of my cock. I had to go to hospital for blood loss and stitches. FML

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By stupidapperently - 1/2/2013 04:06 - United States

Today, while checking out a couple at work, I handed them their receipt and wished them a good day. The woman promptly pulled her husband to the side, and whispered to him about how much of a "fucking idiot" I was for making the prices so high. I work at McDonald's. FML

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By john r.t. - 10/11/2012 00:30 - United States - Eagle Pass

Today, I walked in on my son teabagging his sister over a video game. FML

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By bieberyoulittleSHIT - 31/8/2012 19:20 - United Kingdom - Goole

Today, I was playing some CoD online, when I realised I'd started humming an annoyingly catchy Bieber tune. Before I could come to my senses and pull out my mic, a bunch of my teammates started sarcastically singing along. FML

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By benjavel71 - 10/1/2017 11:13 - United States - Prairie Grove

Today, I thought about going to visit an old girlfriend of mine with hopes of getting a little head. Unfortunately, I didn't know it would be head lice I'd get. FML

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By rnw - 21/7/2016 05:34 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I thought my knee hurt because of over exercising in the gym. Then I remembered it was because I smacked it against my chair so hard I crumbled down and couldn't move for 5 minutes. And how I remembered? I did it again. FML

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By jasminejzhu - 14/4/2013 09:58 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, after an exhausting weekend of work, I decided to take a nap. I was awoken several hours later by my mother-in-law knocking on my door. Apparently my 11-year-old called up grandma to complain that she was hungry and that mum was sleeping instead of cooking dinner. FML

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By anonymous - 17/5/2011 17:34 - United States

Today, I won the lottery. My ex-girlfriend has the ticket. I just broke up with her. FML

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By 123roomielover - 26/1/2011 17:40 - United States

Today, I woke up to my new roommate staring at me, just a few inches from my face. She then told me how easy I would be to kill in my sleep. Then she stood up, naked from head to toe. FML

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By elisimo - 24/1/2012 08:50 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were watching a movie and eating a burger. Feeling frisky, I sat up and took off my shirt. He looked at my chest, at his burger, then back at me and said, "Give me a minute, I don't want my food to get cold." FML

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By anonymous - 29/7/2012 13:34 - Australia - Queanbeyan

Today, my OCD boyfriend stopped mid-way through sex just to crack all ten of his knuckles after accidentally cracking one. FML

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By bleue - 23/4/2015 12:27 - France - Montberon

Today, in a crowded doctor's waiting room, my two-year-old daughter let a loud fart rip. I asked her, "What do we say?" She replied, "IT'S ME!" FML

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By Anonymous - 23/6/2012 14:23 - Canada

Today, I told my girlfriend I love her for the first time. She said, "Thanks." FML

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By Fwick - 19/3/2009 04:42 - United States

Today, I saw my boyfriend for the last time for two years. When we got back from dinner, we sat in his truck for a little while to talk. A few minutes later, my mom comes flying out of my house screaming, "Satan is here, and he is tempting you!" That is the last memory he will have of me. FML

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By ptwm - 25/1/2010 20:10 - United States

Today, while vainly running a comb through my balding hair, I noticed a hair sticking out of my nose. I yanked it out, and the pain made me tear up a little. It was an inch long. I'm 24 and beginning to have more hair in my nose than on my head. FML

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By Oh Cock - 10/10/2015 15:15 - United Kingdom - Watford

Today, I realised just how much my favourite pornstar looks like my sister. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/5/2016 21:47 - United States - Eugene

Today, I got off work early to go home and surprise my girlfriend with lunch, only to come home to her in the middle of packing up all of her stuff. FML

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By cockalicious - 1/3/2011 05:29

Today, my boyfriend let me know he wanted me to leave by repeatedly jabbing me with my car keys. FML

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By NAT - 3/1/2016 16:15 - United States - Gaffney

Today, I found out that the reason my soda always tastes funny is because my fiancé likes to mix different flavors together to see if I'll notice. FML

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By fencernick - 22/4/2009 10:40 - United States

Today, I was eating a hamburger on the street when a pigeon came down to take a bite. I ran and got 30 birds or so chasing me. My legs were burning, half of my burger was gone, and an entire office building was laughing at me. FML

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By T-Shain - 31/5/2009 05:45 - United States

Today, I rear-ended a car. While we were waiting for the police, we made small talk, at which time I learned he was an attorney. FML

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By thanksma - 29/1/2017 07:00 - United States - Stilwell

Today, at his request, I met up with my brother for lunch so we could catch up. Apparently, our mother put him up to it so he could tell me our parents are getting a divorce. They didn't want to tell me themselves because I'm "too emotional." FML

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By Anonymous - 21/8/2011 19:48 - United States

Today, a fight broke out between my 21 year old sister and our 6 year old brother. I tried to intervene, only to end up getting battered to shit in the process. According to my sister, he's going to hell for eating her candy. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/5/2009 15:50 - United States

Today, I had to mow the lawn with a weedwacker because it rained a lot the past week and the push mower was broken. I started "mowing", and forgetting that I am mowing where the dogs go to the restroom, I absent-mindedly weedwack over dog poop. Which got flung into my face. FML

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By ripmylife - 10/10/2016 17:53 - Germany - Herford

Today, my boyfriend heard me confessing my undying love to someone while we were skyping. He's now convinced that I was talking to some other guy and had forgotten to mute my phone. I was talking to my cat. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/5/2020 14:00

Big up retail workers

Today, an old guy got nose to nose with me, threatened me, and spit in my face, just because I politely reminded him he needed to be wearing a mask. He had been coughing on multiple food items in my store. FML

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By screwed - 30/7/2009 03:20 - United States

Today, my mom asked me if I was crying because my boyfriend cheated on me with my best friend. That wasn't why I was crying. My mom knows things before I do. FML

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By iVaughtTV - 28/2/2012 22:44 - United States

Today, I learned that lemonade and urine look very similar to one another. I also learned that they taste very different. FML

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By - 2/3/2019 14:00

Today, I went to pick up a pizza with my kids for an easy dinner. As soon as I opened my mouth to order, the 2-year-old in my arms vomited into it. FML

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By crazygirl - 15/12/2010 02:18 - Canada

Today, I went to a work party where we had a Secret Santa. I gave a nice set of beer bottles with glasses. When my name was called I naturally picked the biggest gift. I got groceries. I now have dog food and men's body spray. I don't have a boyfriend or a dog. FML

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By Indoraptor - 14/11/2009 12:59 - United States

Today, I went to see the cast list for the new musical I'm in. I didn't get the part I wanted, and instead I got the part of one of the suitors. Interestingly, they made me the suitor to my ex. And the guy she leaves me for at the end of the musical is the guy she left me for in real life. FML

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By I should have kept my mouth shut - 23/1/2013 01:35 - United States - Davis

Today, I was talking to my grandma and I mentioned the fact that tomatoes are technically fruit. It's been an hour and she's still yelling, accusing me of lying to her. FML

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By x - 12/11/2012 02:16 - United States - Lake Placid

Today, I finally met the girl I've been talking to on phone for a while and found her charming in person as well. There's just one problem: she has more facial hair than I do. FML

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By WasntMe - 28/5/2018 20:30

In the words of Shaggy...

Today, my husband went through my phone and computer, accusing me of cheating. Baffled and hurt by the untrue accusation, I asked what he found that made him think that. He replied, "Nothing! Absolutely nothing!" Apparently, no evidence IS evidence. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/10/2013 18:57 - Zimbabwe

Today, I rushed to a dentist's appointment. Once in the chair, I apologized for not having had the time to brush my teeth beforehand. He responded with, "Ah that's alright, I just took a piss and forgot to wash my hands." FML

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By skidmark - 8/12/2011 14:48 - United States

Today, while standing completely still at Walmart, I was hit by a drunk man on a Jazzy Scooter. He laughed, said it was an accident, gunned the scooter and took out two more people. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/8/2019 02:00 - Brazil

Today, I was riding my bike down a hill and noticed a pretty girl sitting at the bus stop. I guess I was staring pretty hard, because the next thing I knew, I was swerving off the road and smashing into a tree. She laughed at me. FML

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By chamberpottime - 16/12/2015 08:58 - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, my perfectly healthy grandmother came to stay for Christmas. First, she persuaded my family to give her my bedroom. That would have been fine, until she demanded she should also have a bucket to piss in under my bed too. FML

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By terrible kenny - 30/1/2011 09:24 - United States

Today, as I went into my calculus class, the teacher announced that someone had received a negative grade on the test we were getting back. I laughed and said, "Which f*cker managed to get a negative?" Turns out I'm the dumbass. FML

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By Dear Lord Save Me - 4/1/2015 03:56 - United Kingdom - Merthyr Tydfil

Today, I was shopping with my dad and I saw one of my guy friends, so we waved and smiled at each other. My dad clearly thought his wave was too "romantic", because he shouted at him, "Touch her, and I'll kill you." FML

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Top comments

By Tehalon | 0

#13193 - Tuesday 3 March 2009 23:18

If she ever expects you to go down on her then just reply with sorry you know that won't happen, I'm not a cannibal.

By drybamboo | 0

#13205 - Tuesday 3 March 2009 23:21

I didn't know consuming bodily fluids was a carnivore activity. Does that mean she doesn't condone french kissing?

Unless she equates a blowjob to actually biting off a piece off your whatwhat. In that case, you should probably be grateful that she is a vegetarian.

COMMENTS

By Kyothine | 0

#13192 - Tuesday 3 March 2009 23:17

Pwnd.

Reply

chyeahbro | 0

#964754 - Saturday 20 March 2010 6:36

tell her that if she wants you to go to tuna town then she better get used to your beef bus

Reply

b182link | 0

#1033079 - Thursday 17 June 2010 2:31

aghh that sucks

Reply

vsnuggs | 0

#2334598 - Tuesday 12 April 2011 4:09

win!!!!^

Reply

GeorgeForPm | 5

#2449062 - Tuesday 3 May 2011 3:12

she'd have to be vegan for this to make sense.

Reply

theubersauceness | 0

#2638008 - Tuesday 7 June 2011 17:16

epic win

Reply

ViQValentine | 3

#4993715 - Tuesday 2 October 2012 1:07

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

DenBriZel | 31

#5693088 - Saturday 28 September 2013 11:35

245- or she's just making excuses so she doesn't have to suck his dick.

By Tehalon | 0

#13193 - Tuesday 3 March 2009 23:18

If she ever expects you to go down on her then just reply with sorry you know that won't happen, I'm not a cannibal.

Reply

amrik | 11

#2807950 - Saturday 2 July 2011 20:09

no say it's against my religion :)

Reply

kjklopu | 1

#4834644 - Sunday 19 August 2012 17:43

Or I'm not asian I don't eat cats

By JOEYPIZAZ | 0

#13199 - Tuesday 3 March 2009 23:20

boy that sure does fucking suck. DITCH THAT SHIT. VEGETARIANS ARE GAY.

By broken_heart_fml | 0

#13200 - Tuesday 3 March 2009 23:20

ummmm wowww imm sloww and a little on the retarteddd side for common sence but i meannn seriousllyy nowww? she cnt be that retared can shee?

By Cormophyte | 0

#13203 - Tuesday 3 March 2009 23:21

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

goodtimesx2 | 0

#473264 - Monday 10 August 2009 4:23

and ydi for dating a dumb piece of shit

Reply

lissa922 | 6

#974544 - Monday 5 April 2010 16:54

don't judge all vegetarians because of her and maybe she just wasn't ready!

Reply

Whoopdiedoe | 0

#1502450 - Tuesday 5 October 2010 14:19

Amen brother and op fyi be glad she disn't blow you if dhr thinks this onvolves the actual EATING of meat...

By drybamboo | 0

#13205 - Tuesday 3 March 2009 23:21

I didn't know consuming bodily fluids was a carnivore activity. Does that mean she doesn't condone french kissing?

Unless she equates a blowjob to actually biting off a piece off your whatwhat. In that case, you should probably be grateful that she is a vegetarian.

Reply

nahgemsoohc | 0

#3107704 - Sunday 14 August 2011 16:29

it'll be a cockmeat sandwich!!!

Reply

Ali_From_Texas | 1

#3717658 - Monday 12 December 2011 2:07

A whatwhat.. :P

By DaftBrian | 0

#13206 - Tuesday 3 March 2009 23:21

thats what you get for dating a fucking hippie.

By HebrewHammer | 0

#13216 - Tuesday 3 March 2009 23:24

She's probably not comfortable with it then and you shouldn't be pressuring her...

Reply

beatleschick1940 | 9

#1805975 - Tuesday 7 December 2010 4:10

I agree

Reply

dudeman1212 | 22

#3823058 - Tuesday 3 January 2012 6:12

Or she thinks she has to bite off some of his cock...
... And eat it...

Reply

cocainewhore | 30

#6076272 - Sunday 28 September 2014 21:09

#8 I feel like an asshole, accidentally down voted you. I wholeheartedly agree with what you are saying, if the OPs girlfriend doesn't want to give him a blowjob then she doesn't have to do it, the OP sounds like he expects it or thinks he deserved it.

By courtneyissofuck | 0

#13217 - Tuesday 3 March 2009 23:24

#2 - that wasn't funny. at all.
#3 - YOU are gay.

By McLaughlane | 0

#13218 - Tuesday 3 March 2009 23:24

That's really not such a big deal. lol. Don't pressure her, if she doesn't want to do it then that's her choice, regardless of her reasoning.