Intimacy: Today, I asked my girlfriend when she would give me a blowjob.... - FML

By Sal - United States

Today, I asked my girlfriend when she would give me a blowjob. She replied, "you know that won't happen, I'm a vegetarian." FML

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In my day…

Innocent

Whoop-di-scoop-di-poop

By Solemnwishing - United States

Today, while riding on the car with my family, I put on my headphones and pretended to be listening to music and when my parents talked to me, I pretended I couldn't hear them. They took this opportunity to discuss how fat I was and how I can't hold down a boyfriend. They were laughing as well. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I hit a patch of black ice and totaled my car. The car is a month old. For the next 5 years I'll be paying for a car I can't drive. FML

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By Failure2017 - United States

Today, my husband referred to me as his “favorite meat sock” in front of our son. FML

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By 1danzo1 - Australia

Today, I was getting a haircut. I had my foils in for about 10 minutes when the fire alarm went off. The building then started to fill with smoke and we evacuated. While outside watching the fire being put out, I forgot about my foils. I now have bright bleached yellow and orange hair. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/11/2020 14:01

Thanks Dad

Today, I was cleaning out my deceased father's closet and found 4 boxes of BDSM porn videos, magazines and DVDs. To save his dignity, I hid them in my room to throw away on garbage day. My mom found the boxes in my room and now wants me to go to therapy. I'm only 16. FML

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By ohdear. - United Kingdom - London

Today, while searching a woman for contraband as part of my job, she kept making sexual noises throughout. After I finished, she hugged me and went on her way. I really need a new job. FML

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By LoveYouTooMa - United States

Today, I wasn't feeling too well and consequently threw up. In an effort to get some sympathy, I told my mom about what happened. Rather than trying to make me feel better, she yelled at me because I threw up in the bathroom sink "when the damn toilet is two feet away." Thanks mom. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to get an ultrasound of my reproductive system done because I was having some abdominal pain. Everything was fine until the tech suddenly gasped and said, "Oh my God! You have two uteruses! Want me to print off a picture so you can show them off to your friends?" FML

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By yarenis - United States - Gardner

Today, like every day since I was born, my name is Yarenis, pronounced "ja-ra-nees. For some reason, everybody pronounce it "your anus". FML

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By rog3rli - United States

Today, I realized that even though I've taken three years of Spanish, the only words and phrases I can remember are from Dora the Explorer. FML

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By goodstudent - United States

Today, I was supposed to take a test, but the professor didn't have it ready because he went to a concert last night. I sold my own tickets to that very concert in order to study for the test. FML

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By Marissa Di Stefano - 5/1/2021 17:01

Leave me out of it

Today, my sister and mom were arguing. My sister was being really nasty to my mom, and decided to get nasty with me and drag me into the argument. Naturally, I got nasty back at her and we started fighting. My mom yelled at me for getting nasty with my sister, and kicked me out of the house for “being too nasty.” FML

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By smashyonewfloors - Canada - High River

Today, my crew and I were berated by a client for not installing her new hardwood floor on time. We were only halfway through the day, but apparently it should have only taken "like, an hour?" because "The guys on the TV shows do it that fast." FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Big brain bug

Today, my mother was leaving the house to attend her sister's funeral. Just as she was walking out the door, my brain experienced the most horrific shart imaginable, and I uttered through my reassuring smile, "Have a blast." FML

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By alealovespurple - Canada

Today, I went through my 15 year old daughter's internet history. On google she searched 'Excuses to get away from your dad' and 5 other variations of the same thing. We were supposed to be having a father daughter day tomorrow. FML

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By Anonymous

Cancel Student Debt

Today, I paid $800.00 towards my student loans. That was the minimum payment. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/7/2020 23:01

Like the beginning of a porno

Today, my girlfriends dared me to answer the door naked to the cute pizza delivery guy. He laughed it off and thanked me for the awesome tip. An hour later, police arrived because my nosy, frigid, couldn’t-get-laid-in-a-brothel neighbour reported me for public indecency. FML

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By helpme - United States - Annapolis

Today, I started dreaming about being at work. I already work more hours a week than I requested, and I live right across from my work and can see it out my window. I can never leave. FML

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By Mark - United States

Today, it was the last day of school, and I said goodbye to one of my students. She then told me how to correctly pronounce her name. I'd said it wrong all year. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Salem

Experimentation

Today, I walked in on my brother sticking his erect penis through a donut. I doubt I'll ever be able to unsee this. FML

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By bthms - France

Today, I was standing in a queue when an old lady turned, looked straight at me, and asked me to hold her bag. Confused, I took a hold of it. She started screaming for help claiming I was stealing her shopping. Turns out, she was talking to her husband behind me. FML

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By NotTalented - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, I played in a high school concert. Some alumni of the band were sitting in the audience and were brought to tears. Not because it was beautiful, but because they were sad to see how much the music program had declined since they left. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Mississauga

Today, I went on Facebook. The third post down was a selfie of my mom looking sad, with the caption, "God I need a good dicking." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was on the phone with my best guy friend, who I have loved for years. I was talking about school and all of a sudden he said "I love you." I flipped out saying "Oh my god, oh my god. I love you, too!" He responded with "what?" He was talking to his mom, who was walking out the door. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I got my first acting part. I played the role of a bad boy who has to grab the leading lady's ass, who then slaps me in the face. The ass grab was done in one take. The slap required 14 takes. FML

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By hushed - Canada - Leduc

Everyone's A Critic

Today, I was hushed in a theatre during a play. I would normally appreciate a discreet silencing in the audience, but I was saying my lines. FML

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By Anonymous - South Africa

Today, I woke up to a blood-curdling scream from the bathroom. I jumped out of bed in panic and rushed into the bathroom, only to see my sister limping around in the nude. She'd just jumped out of the shower because someone had flushed the toilet downstairs. FML

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By Brummsta - Australia

Today, I woke up with a cordless drill on my bed. The one I lent my neighbour last week. FML

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By hé merde - France - Paris

Today, I was pushing my wheelchair-bound grandpa back home, when a pretty girl walked past us in the opposite direction. He made me stop and turn him around, just so he could check her ass out as she walked away. FML

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By shinymcface

Today, I went to the bathroom at work and there was a reed diffuser placed on the tank of the toilet. As I sat down, my hair knocked it off and the reed diffuser landed behind me, spilling the scented oil into my butt crack and vagina, burning me completely. I only had to work 6 more hours. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Eugene

Today, I knocked an old-school slide carousel off my desk, scattering nearly 100 individual slides everywhere, including the specific slides my professor asked me to digitally scan, which were placed carefully on top. None of them are numbered. FML

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By welptbh - United States - San Pablo

Today, I came out to my parents as trans. They immediately took my remaining college savings, canceled my credit card, and began plotting to abduct me and "wean me off hormones, like a heroin addict." FML

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By sam - United States

Today, I got a text just before class that my partner didn't finish their half of our 30 page research paper because "That class is stupid". FML

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By has-evil-friends - United Kingdom

Today, I had six friends round for pizza. When I went to answer the door to the delivery, my friends turned off the lights and pretended they weren't there when I shouted for help carrying all the food. Not only does the cute delivery guy think I'm greedy, but also that I have imaginary friends. FML

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By nomorexbox - United States

Today, I actually heard my 14 year old son muse to himself, "If I can drive drunk in Grand Theft Auto, how hard could it be in real life?" FML

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By gotta_respond - United States - Piscataway

Today, I went to the supermarket with my husband and kids. A crazy old man started yelling at us and challenged us to fight him outside. Security had to escort us to our car. Why was he so mad? Our cart momentarily blocked his path to the beef jerky samples. FML

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By Adalia - United Kingdom

Today, I wore a beautiful new dress that I got for £5 only in a sale. I've been turning heads in it all day. When I got home, my mum pulled the massive red £5 tag off of the back. FML

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By SapphireRaven - United States

Today, I found out that I was denied for work study eligibility by my college. I went to my financial advisor to ask why. It wasn't my grades or attendance. Apparently my father makes too much money for me to get a job at the school. My dad was fired 3 months ago and has been out of work since. FML

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By Blueshock08 - United States

Today, I learned that it doesn't matter how good you've screwed a satellite dish onto the side of your house, it won't stop the wind the ripping it off and taking half the wall with it. FML

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By ouch - Australia - Collaroy

Today, my psychiatrist asked me if I felt bad about my weight. When I said no, he looked surprised and said, "Why not?" FML

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Top comments

By Tehalon | 0

#13193 - Tuesday 3 March 2009 23:18

If she ever expects you to go down on her then just reply with sorry you know that won't happen, I'm not a cannibal.

By drybamboo | 0

#13205 - Tuesday 3 March 2009 23:21

I didn't know consuming bodily fluids was a carnivore activity. Does that mean she doesn't condone french kissing?

Unless she equates a blowjob to actually biting off a piece off your whatwhat. In that case, you should probably be grateful that she is a vegetarian.

COMMENTS

By Kyothine | 0

#13192 - Tuesday 3 March 2009 23:17

Pwnd.

Reply

chyeahbro | 0

#964754 - Saturday 20 March 2010 6:36

tell her that if she wants you to go to tuna town then she better get used to your beef bus

Reply

b182link | 0

#1033079 - Thursday 17 June 2010 2:31

aghh that sucks

Reply

vsnuggs | 0

#2334598 - Tuesday 12 April 2011 4:09

win!!!!^

Reply

GeorgeForPm | 5

#2449062 - Tuesday 3 May 2011 3:12

she'd have to be vegan for this to make sense.

Reply

theubersauceness | 0

#2638008 - Tuesday 7 June 2011 17:16

epic win

Reply

ViQValentine | 3

#4993715 - Tuesday 2 October 2012 1:07

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Reply

DenBriZel | 31

#5693088 - Saturday 28 September 2013 11:35

245- or she's just making excuses so she doesn't have to suck his dick.

By Tehalon | 0

#13193 - Tuesday 3 March 2009 23:18

If she ever expects you to go down on her then just reply with sorry you know that won't happen, I'm not a cannibal.

Reply

amrik | 11

#2807950 - Saturday 2 July 2011 20:09

no say it's against my religion :)

Reply

kjklopu | 1

#4834644 - Sunday 19 August 2012 17:43

Or I'm not asian I don't eat cats

By JOEYPIZAZ | 0

#13199 - Tuesday 3 March 2009 23:20

boy that sure does fucking suck. DITCH THAT SHIT. VEGETARIANS ARE GAY.

By broken_heart_fml | 0

#13200 - Tuesday 3 March 2009 23:20

ummmm wowww imm sloww and a little on the retarteddd side for common sence but i meannn seriousllyy nowww? she cnt be that retared can shee?

By Cormophyte | 0

#13203 - Tuesday 3 March 2009 23:21

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Reply

goodtimesx2 | 0

#473264 - Monday 10 August 2009 4:23

and ydi for dating a dumb piece of shit

Reply

lissa922 | 6

#974544 - Monday 5 April 2010 16:54

don't judge all vegetarians because of her and maybe she just wasn't ready!

Reply

Whoopdiedoe | 0

#1502450 - Tuesday 5 October 2010 14:19

Amen brother and op fyi be glad she disn't blow you if dhr thinks this onvolves the actual EATING of meat...

By drybamboo | 0

#13205 - Tuesday 3 March 2009 23:21

I didn't know consuming bodily fluids was a carnivore activity. Does that mean she doesn't condone french kissing?

Unless she equates a blowjob to actually biting off a piece off your whatwhat. In that case, you should probably be grateful that she is a vegetarian.

Reply

nahgemsoohc | 0

#3107704 - Sunday 14 August 2011 16:29

it'll be a cockmeat sandwich!!!

Reply

Ali_From_Texas | 1

#3717658 - Monday 12 December 2011 2:07

A whatwhat.. :P

By DaftBrian | 0

#13206 - Tuesday 3 March 2009 23:21

thats what you get for dating a fucking hippie.

By HebrewHammer | 0

#13216 - Tuesday 3 March 2009 23:24

She's probably not comfortable with it then and you shouldn't be pressuring her...

Reply

beatleschick1940 | 9

#1805975 - Tuesday 7 December 2010 4:10

I agree

Reply

dudeman1212 | 22

#3823058 - Tuesday 3 January 2012 6:12

Or she thinks she has to bite off some of his cock...
... And eat it...

Reply

cocainewhore | 30

#6076272 - Sunday 28 September 2014 21:09

#8 I feel like an asshole, accidentally down voted you. I wholeheartedly agree with what you are saying, if the OPs girlfriend doesn't want to give him a blowjob then she doesn't have to do it, the OP sounds like he expects it or thinks he deserved it.

By courtneyissofuck | 0

#13217 - Tuesday 3 March 2009 23:24

#2 - that wasn't funny. at all.
#3 - YOU are gay.

By McLaughlane | 0

#13218 - Tuesday 3 March 2009 23:24

That's really not such a big deal. lol. Don't pressure her, if she doesn't want to do it then that's her choice, regardless of her reasoning.