Intimacy: Today, I asked my girlfriend when she would give me a blowjob.... - FML

By Sal - United States

Today, I asked my girlfriend when she would give me a blowjob. She replied, "you know that won't happen, I'm a vegetarian." FML

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Out of it

Long story short

Ghosted

By Anonymous - United States - Franklin

Today, I finally got the balls to ask the girl of my dreams out, but all I could talk about was my two cats. FML

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By a - United States - Clarksville

Today, as my friend was rudely rummaging through my phone, she saw a picture of the pottery I've painted her for Christmas. Not only did she see it, but she also declared it ugly. That's probably the present I'm the most proud of this Christmas. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I fell and impaled my leg on a steel rod at work. The first guy to respond to my agonised cry for help must’ve been a total moron because he thought it was a prank and yanked on the rod to see how it worked. Then he asked if I did it on purpose to get a day off. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, my boss stopped me mid-sentence, scowling and telling me to zip up my fly. It wouldn't have been so embarrassing if I hadn't been in the middle of giving a presentation to not only him, but his own boss and a company executive as well. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, my boyfriend out of the blue told me I wasn't fat, that my stomach was flat and it was only my butt that was big. I thought that this was a compliment. His response? "Not at all". FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Middletown

Today, during a soccer game, some utter moron got the bright idea of trying to score a goal from his side of the field. I sarcastically made a big show of just barely stopping the ball, and nailed it off to the side. The ball hit a kid so hard in the head that he had to go to the hospital. FML

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By piece of shed - United States

Today, I walked into my shed to find my daughter's boyfriend asleep and completely duct-taped to the ceiling, with his face painted like a clown. FML

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By Lucille

Pants on fire

Today, while going through my daughter’s room, I found a pair of pants with the security tag still attached. My daughter is a thief. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/2/2020 01:00 - Canada - Toronto

Just a dream

Today, at midnight, I heard my son calling for his mom. I stopped by his room and asked him what was wrong? He didn't tell me. Instead, he said: "Oh, I don't need you." FML

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By Cannachick

Today, I found out how messed up I am when a guy held a knife to my throat and it turned me on. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I told my supervisor how awful my coworker was at her job. I then got fired. FML

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By Tireddddddd - United States

Today, I got back from camp. My camp-mates? A girl who refused to shower the entire week, a girl who threatened to hurt me several times, a snorer, my princess of a sister who took forever in the mornings, and a counselor who watched us sleep. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, at my engagement party, I overheard my future father-in-law saying he was happy his son was marrying "the dumb, pretty one" because all the "smart ones" he dated at university were "nerds with small tits." FML

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By jake - Australia - Sydney

Today, I dropped my kid into a crowded wishing fountain instead of a coin. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, my younger brother and I got into a fight over who the favorite child is. My mom overheard, came in the living room and said, "It's your little brother, now shut up." She was serious. FML

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By demix_fml

Cat vs. pancakes

Today, it's my birthday, I knew I would be on my own, so I brought some pancakes, only to come down and find that not only had my cat eaten them, but also that I’d have to clean his barf up. Happy birthday to me. FML

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By twitch01 - United States

Today, as a joke, my friends and I decided to put me in a dress and makeup, to creep out a friend. I'm a guy. I'm not sure which is worse, the fact that I so willingly volunteered to wear the dress and the makeup, or the fact that I thought it was comfy and made me look slim. FML

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By scooter922 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I got home from the hospital after I burned my hand. Why? I dropped my phone in the pot while stirring hot soup, and I reached in to get it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, me, a coworker, and my manager were looking at random advertisements. One ad was a picture of three fishes. My coworker named the three fishes what I thought were completely random names. I said "those are stupid names." Turns out those are my manager's kid's names. FML

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By insignificant - United States

Today, I was getting on a bus, the driver shut the door on me while I was half way inside. Instead of apologizing to me, he criticized me for getting in the way. FML

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By brhorton02 - United States

Today, I was waitering at the restaurant that I work at when I collected a credit card bill that was worth $120 and a big zero on the tip line. Angered, I turned to a co-worker and said "I knew this asshole wasn't going to tip me." The guy was standing right behind me with $30 in his hand. FML

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By DriveMeNot - United States

Today, I reached into my pocket and found my mom's car keys. I'm a four hour drive away, and she obviously can't come to pick them up. FML

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By effingdoucher - United States

Today, I was having sex with a guy I met at my friend's party. He stopped mid-thrust, climbed off, and started talking about how nervous he is about buying his first car next week. FML

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By rock'n roller

Today, my bandmate and I decided to propose to our girlfriends, who are also in the band, at the same time in the middle of a concert. His girlfriend said yes. Mine ran off the stage crying. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I was playing Apples to Apples with my girlfriend and a few others. The card that was drawn was labeled "pathetic". Among other cards that were laid down in attempts to be similar to "pathetic" was my girlfriend's card. She won with a create-a-card labeled "my sex life". FML

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By chapstick - United States - San Dimas

Today, my lips were dry and chapped, so I asked if I could use some of my friend's chapstick. She didn't mind, so I quickly put some on. Only later did I notice that my lips were sparkly. Turns out it was glitter balm. Now everyone calls me "princess." FML

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By Brad - Canada

Today, my girlfriend dumped me for someone else. An hour earlier I had just gotten permission from her dad to propose. FML

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By monochromatic - United States

Today, I found out that the 20% pay cut that the "management team" took at my job really only applied to... me. I also found out that my closest friend at work has been lying to me about it, and telling my boss everything I say. His pay was never cut. I guess it pays to be the boss's snitch. FML

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By Anonymous - Ukraine - Kiev

Live chat

Today, I found the girlfriend of my best friend on a webcam site. I then told him that and his only response was, "Yeah, I know, that's where we met." FML

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By NoNotCats =^._.^= - United States - Mesa

Today, I was at the doctor's getting a check up. He asked me if I was allergic to anything, to which I blurted out, "Cats." He gave me a weird look and said, "Don't worry, I won't give you cats." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Hobart

Today, while mowing the lawn, I was attacked by an underground hornet nest. I now have many stings, two scared dogs, and a mower still running outside. The hornets are swarming it and some are sitting on the lever, as if to turn it off. It's like they know. FML

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By [email protected] - France

Today, I decided to spend a night of love with my darling, so I arranged to meet him in a very classy hotel, gave him the room number and waited in a super-sexy outfit. There was a knock at the door, so I opened it enticingly, convinced it was him. It was room service. FML

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By Profucktardor - United Kingdom - Derby

Today, my university professor admitted to sometimes just winging it when she's teaching. "Yeah," she said, "sometimes I just don't get this stuff either." No wonder I'm failing. 5ML

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By fuck you, Odin, FUCK YOU - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I was finally all set to lose my virginity. My girlfriend pushed me onto the bed and pulled off my underwear. She then made a face as if she'd just sucked on a lemon, and got up and left without a word. I haven't heard from her since. FML

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By Almostlovedchild

Today, my father made a post on Facebook with an old baby picture, saying how proud he was that I got into college. This would have been sweet if the baby picture was actually of me. FML

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By CallmeTokey

Today, as I was laying on the bottom part of my bunk bed, I noticed a beam on the underside of the top bunk that seemed to have no place being there, so I tried to find out what it was. I soon discovered it was to support the bed after it promptly collapsed on me. FML

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By churchgoer - United States

Today, I went to confession. I told the priest that I had an intimate relationship with a woman that I'm not married to. He chuckled and said, "You know, lying is a sin too." I wasn't lying. FML

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By kinkyapparently - United States - San Juan Capistrano

Today, my husband broke his toe after tripping over a dog toy. Instead of telling the doctors what happened, he said it was "sex related". I had to sit there, beet red with embarrassment, getting weird looks while he giggled to himself. FML

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By TordNorski - United States - Rancho Santa Margarita

Today, I started a new job at a family owned business. About ten minutes in to training, the mother and father started an argument that ended in each of them storming off, demanding a divorce. FML

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By anonymous - Canada - Airdrie

Today, I found out that my parents don't know the difference between a foreign person and a deaf person. They've been yelling at our exchange student for the past 2 days. FML

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Top comments

By Tehalon | 0

#13193 - Tuesday 3 March 2009 23:18

If she ever expects you to go down on her then just reply with sorry you know that won't happen, I'm not a cannibal.

By drybamboo | 0

#13205 - Tuesday 3 March 2009 23:21

I didn't know consuming bodily fluids was a carnivore activity. Does that mean she doesn't condone french kissing?

Unless she equates a blowjob to actually biting off a piece off your whatwhat. In that case, you should probably be grateful that she is a vegetarian.

COMMENTS

By Kyothine | 0

#13192 - Tuesday 3 March 2009 23:17

Pwnd.

Reply

chyeahbro | 0

#964754 - Saturday 20 March 2010 6:36

tell her that if she wants you to go to tuna town then she better get used to your beef bus

Reply

b182link | 0

#1033079 - Thursday 17 June 2010 2:31

aghh that sucks

Reply

vsnuggs | 0

#2334598 - Tuesday 12 April 2011 4:09

win!!!!^

Reply

GeorgeForPm | 5

#2449062 - Tuesday 3 May 2011 3:12

she'd have to be vegan for this to make sense.

Reply

theubersauceness | 0

#2638008 - Tuesday 7 June 2011 17:16

epic win

Reply

ViQValentine | 3

#4993715 - Tuesday 2 October 2012 1:07

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

DenBriZel | 31

#5693088 - Saturday 28 September 2013 11:35

245- or she's just making excuses so she doesn't have to suck his dick.

By Tehalon | 0

#13193 - Tuesday 3 March 2009 23:18

If she ever expects you to go down on her then just reply with sorry you know that won't happen, I'm not a cannibal.

Reply

amrik | 11

#2807950 - Saturday 2 July 2011 20:09

no say it's against my religion :)

Reply

kjklopu | 1

#4834644 - Sunday 19 August 2012 17:43

Or I'm not asian I don't eat cats

By JOEYPIZAZ | 0

#13199 - Tuesday 3 March 2009 23:20

boy that sure does fucking suck. DITCH THAT SHIT. VEGETARIANS ARE GAY.

By broken_heart_fml | 0

#13200 - Tuesday 3 March 2009 23:20

ummmm wowww imm sloww and a little on the retarteddd side for common sence but i meannn seriousllyy nowww? she cnt be that retared can shee?

By Cormophyte | 0

#13203 - Tuesday 3 March 2009 23:21

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

goodtimesx2 | 0

#473264 - Monday 10 August 2009 4:23

and ydi for dating a dumb piece of shit

Reply

lissa922 | 6

#974544 - Monday 5 April 2010 16:54

don't judge all vegetarians because of her and maybe she just wasn't ready!

Reply

Whoopdiedoe | 0

#1502450 - Tuesday 5 October 2010 14:19

Amen brother and op fyi be glad she disn't blow you if dhr thinks this onvolves the actual EATING of meat...

By drybamboo | 0

#13205 - Tuesday 3 March 2009 23:21

I didn't know consuming bodily fluids was a carnivore activity. Does that mean she doesn't condone french kissing?

Unless she equates a blowjob to actually biting off a piece off your whatwhat. In that case, you should probably be grateful that she is a vegetarian.

Reply

nahgemsoohc | 0

#3107704 - Sunday 14 August 2011 16:29

it'll be a cockmeat sandwich!!!

Reply

Ali_From_Texas | 1

#3717658 - Monday 12 December 2011 2:07

A whatwhat.. :P

By DaftBrian | 0

#13206 - Tuesday 3 March 2009 23:21

thats what you get for dating a fucking hippie.

By HebrewHammer | 0

#13216 - Tuesday 3 March 2009 23:24

She's probably not comfortable with it then and you shouldn't be pressuring her...

Reply

beatleschick1940 | 9

#1805975 - Tuesday 7 December 2010 4:10

I agree

Reply

dudeman1212 | 22

#3823058 - Tuesday 3 January 2012 6:12

Or she thinks she has to bite off some of his cock...
... And eat it...

Reply

cocainewhore | 30

#6076272 - Sunday 28 September 2014 21:09

#8 I feel like an asshole, accidentally down voted you. I wholeheartedly agree with what you are saying, if the OPs girlfriend doesn't want to give him a blowjob then she doesn't have to do it, the OP sounds like he expects it or thinks he deserved it.

By courtneyissofuck | 0

#13217 - Tuesday 3 March 2009 23:24

#2 - that wasn't funny. at all.
#3 - YOU are gay.

By McLaughlane | 0

#13218 - Tuesday 3 March 2009 23:24

That's really not such a big deal. lol. Don't pressure her, if she doesn't want to do it then that's her choice, regardless of her reasoning.