Today, I asked my girlfriend when she would give me a blowjob. She replied, "you know that won't happen, I'm a vegetarian." FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my vegan girlfriend refused to give me a blowjob because, apparently, blowjobs aren't vegan. FML
Today, I told my girlfriend that I'm a vegan. She replied, "So, you're allergic to meat?" FML
Today, I took my girlfriend out to a vegetarian-friendly restaurant. She ordered shrimp fettuccine, and I asked why. She slowly explained to me that vegetarians can eat shrimp, then muttered that she now knows who has the brains in our relationship. FML
Today, my girlfriend, who's on a diet, refused to give me a blow job because my sperm would "add useless calories" to her day. FML
Today, I tried to get my girlfriend of nine months to have oral sex with me. She was eating a hot dog. She then said, "If you ask me again, this is what I'll do to you." She then bit the hot dog in half. FML
Today, my girlfriend woke me up by saying, "Good morning! We're going to be vegans from now on." FML
Today, my girlfriend was giving me a blowjob. All of a sudden, she stopped and said, "What's that thing at the back of your throat called?" FML
Today, I asked my boyfriend if he could finally go down on me. He said, "No, that's disgusting" and then asked me for a blowjob. FML
Today, I asked my girlfriend to talk dirty to me. Her response was to impersonate a saxophone. FML
Today, I asked my girlfriend of a year and a half to give me a blow job. She replied okay and bent down and blew on my penis. Then she looked up at me and said, "Was that good?" She was serious. FML
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Top comments
Tehalon 0
If she ever expects you to go down on her then just reply with sorry you know that won't happen, I'm not a cannibal.
drybamboo 0
I didn't know consuming bodily fluids was a carnivore activity. Does that mean she doesn't condone french kissing? Unless she equates a ******* to actually biting off a piece off your whatwhat. In that case, you should probably be grateful that she is a vegetarian.
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Comments (246)
nametags 0
Semen is vegan...
liveitlearnit 0
Okay. Semen is both vegetarian and vegan approved, because it is a human fluid being given to another human consensually. The vegan problem with cow's milk is that it is being taken from the cow and its calf without consent (because animals can't consent).... so the excuse of being vegetarian or vegan is completely void. How about just saying, "Sorry babe, I really don't feel comfortable with oral sex." People are so dumb.
rachelforgot2 0
#11 is totally right............. and thats sad she could have just said no if she didnt want to! thats just annoying she cant be honest!
wafflemonger 0
I'm a vegetarian and I'm calling bullshit. Semen isn't meat, it's a zygote, like eating chicken eggs. If your girlfriend is a vegan, maybe this holds up, but I'm assuming that she's not and is just using it as an excuse to get out of something she doesn't want to do. I recommend having a serious conversation and asking her (without accusing her of anything) if that's really the reason. If she's lying, there must be a reason, and you need to find out whether it's just embarrassment or something more serious. If it's not an excuse and she's genuinely uncomfortable, use a condom during oral sex. You won't get as much sensation, unfortunately, but at least you'll get what you want in a way that doesn't compromise her principles. And 14, I totally agree, screw vegetarians. We're fantastic in bed. ;-)
baseline 0
@ #11 got it in one. @ #32 **** off you prude. Do you think that someone is slutty because they give their partner head? They're probably slutty if they wear dresses that come above their knees too.
dight_fml 4
Sucks (har har har) to be you, but at least she's funny.
ohgodohgodohgod 0
This isn't an FML moment, this is just a bad joke. If you want a ******* that bad, cheat on her. Be ready for the repercussions, but you'll have your pole spit-shined. What is more important?
MissFae 0
Well, is she vegan? If so, tell her to spit. Otherwise, she'd better swallow that shit cause it isn't meat.
ohmygolly 0
#32, don't you find it strange how the definition of "****" has been slowly shifting from "a woman who has multiple sex partners over a short span of time" to "a monogamous woman in a heterosexual relationship who is aware of her significant other's needs and is happy to satisfy them because she loves and respects him"? I know I do. Too bad radical feminism (or that entitlement complex) makes it impossible for you to have a normal, mutually gratifying relationship because it's convinced you that ever, ever doing anything nice for someone of the opposite sex is "degrading".
genius_man16 1
You deserve a gold star. Or a ********. But not from me, lol.
cimcr8zee 0
#44: Semen is vegan-approved, but it is not vegan. A vegan that is doing it for moral reasons probably will not have a moral problem with tasting/swallowing semen. However, people who are vegan are might get sick from this because their bodies are not used to consuming things that come from animals.