Today, I asked my girlfriend when she would give me a blowjob. She replied, "you know that won't happen, I'm a vegetarian." FML
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Today, my vegan girlfriend refused to give me a blowjob because, apparently, blowjobs aren't vegan. FML
Today, I told my girlfriend that I'm a vegan. She replied, "So, you're allergic to meat?" FML
Today, I took my girlfriend out to a vegetarian-friendly restaurant. She ordered shrimp fettuccine, and I asked why. She slowly explained to me that vegetarians can eat shrimp, then muttered that she now knows who has the brains in our relationship. FML
Today, my girlfriend, who's on a diet, refused to give me a blow job because my sperm would "add useless calories" to her day. FML
Today, I tried to get my girlfriend of nine months to have oral sex with me. She was eating a hot dog. She then said, "If you ask me again, this is what I'll do to you." She then bit the hot dog in half. FML
Today, my girlfriend woke me up by saying, "Good morning! We're going to be vegans from now on." FML
Today, my girlfriend was giving me a blowjob. All of a sudden, she stopped and said, "What's that thing at the back of your throat called?" FML
Today, I asked my boyfriend if he could finally go down on me. He said, "No, that's disgusting" and then asked me for a blowjob. FML
Today, I asked my girlfriend to talk dirty to me. Her response was to impersonate a saxophone. FML
Today, I asked my girlfriend of a year and a half to give me a blow job. She replied okay and bent down and blew on my penis. Then she looked up at me and said, "Was that good?" She was serious. FML
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Top comments
Tehalon 0
If she ever expects you to go down on her then just reply with sorry you know that won't happen, I'm not a cannibal.
drybamboo 0
I didn't know consuming bodily fluids was a carnivore activity. Does that mean she doesn't condone french kissing? Unless she equates a ******* to actually biting off a piece off your whatwhat. In that case, you should probably be grateful that she is a vegetarian.
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Comments (246)
Golden_fml 1
#18, you just called yourself an asshole? Hahahha.
LaskovyjZajchik 0
That's so wtf.
silentfirefly 0
I don't really understand how that violates vegetarian rules....
EIDS 0
The punchline wasn't that she wasn't going to eat his cockmeat sandwich. It was the fact that he is dating a vegetarian. A damn shame. FYL, buddy.
burdenofaday 0
lmao If she was joking, she's a keeper. If not, I feel sorry for you. :[
ohmygolly 0
P.S. OP, have you tried telling your girlfriend that every sperm is sacred, and that every sperm is great? :)
luckyyyme 0
Why does a girlfriend HAVE to give her boyfriend blow jobs? Just because she won't doesn't mean you should dump her. I am hoping you are dating her for more serious reasons, than sex. BTW I love her reason, I think it is hilarious.
sillypun 0
#52 hit the nail on the head. Don't be afraid ladies. Its only a dick. Gentlemen -- don't eat out your girlfriends if y'all don't want to. If they are cute I'd be happy to satisfy them if they return the favor.
nobody_special 0
wang; the other white meat. You're gf is hilarious, btw
Amkii 0
#48 - Well, that wasn't very nice of you, now, was it? Yes, I think someone's slutty if they are having a sexual relationship with their significant other, if they're not married. Call me old-fashioned. Maybe 'slutty' isn't the right word, since I don't know that she had multiple sexual partners (but if she's willing to give a guy a ******** before they're married, I'm guessing she's a ****), but what word would be better? I guess just downright 'disgusting' would work too. Like I said, I'm old-fashioned. I believe in sex after marriage, not before.