Intimacy: Today, I almost got a blowjob for the first time. Except I came... - FML

By Rumpkis - 05/12/2011 01:30 - United States

Spicy

Today, I almost got a blowjob for the first time. Except I came before I even got in her mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 817

You deserved it 18 601

Weird reason to leave, but OK

It never rains…

I didn't mean to hurt you, I'm sorry that I made you cry

By WrongPlaceWrongTime - 25/06/2016 18:51 - France

Today, my girlfriend came to my workplace to tell me she was breaking up with me. My boss, who was passing by, fired me for "chatting with friends" during work hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 234

You deserved it 809

By Anonymous - 07/09/2012 05:08 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I had to go into the school for the third time this week because my son is claiming he's on bath salts and biting all his classmates. My son is 16. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 662

You deserved it 3 314

By elrjay - 20/06/2017 02:00 - Spain - Madrid

Spicy

Today, I'm laying in my holiday apartment with the patio doors open, listening to the german man next door take dirty pics of his wife on the balcony. I'm too scared to get up and shut the door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 949

You deserved it 1 026

Spooked

By Anonymous - 18/03/2021 08:01

Today, I found out that the loud "firecrackers" I heard the night before were actually shotgun blasts by my neighbor murdering his girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 540

You deserved it 60

By Anonymous - 15/05/2017 20:00

Today, the person who bullied me throughout my childhood eventually resulting in me going to therapy and switching schools became my boss. On top of that, he refers to me by the insulting nickname he called me during childhood. It's good to see that growing up hasn't changed him at all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 054

You deserved it 382

So, it is not immoral ?

By Anonymous - 17/11/2019 01:00 - United States - Chicago

Today, my parents were arguing about their relationship. My mom, who is very Christian, yells at my dad for watching porn. My dad responds, "Of course I watch porn, I've told you! I have shown you!" He is also the one who stressed to me at a very young age that porn is immoral. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 823

You deserved it 157

By Something I said? - 05/11/2013 15:26 - United States - Bronx

Spicy

Today, as my wife and I were getting intimate, I thought I would try a little "dirty talk". I whispered in her ear that I would "dick her down good". She couldn't stop laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 987

You deserved it 58 887

By lizzie - 27/07/2011 13:30 - United States

Today, I was going to a talent show. On the way there, my car broke down, I lost my keys and managed to slam my hand in a window. I got there and waited in the theater for an hour before a janitor came by and said, "Show is tomorrow, lady." FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 596

You deserved it 9 549

By damnedbydurberg - 22/11/2011 00:35 - United States

Today, after years of torment and relentless harassment, I finally built up the courage to stand up to a bully. I got a detention for swearing at him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 765

You deserved it 3 367

By anoynomous - 02/02/2010 05:47 - France

Today, I got a ticket. The officer's daughter is my ex. He gave me a ticket for 31 in a 30 mph zone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 643

You deserved it 5 778

By uhmwow - 25/10/2016 00:50

Today, I got fired from my job. A coworker that strongly dislikes me convinced my boss I took a day off because I was going to a Trump rally. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 702

You deserved it 955

By Anonymous - 05/01/2010 07:16 - United States

Spicy

Today, I learned that my boyfriend waits 'til I am asleep to wack off to porn on the internet. We haven't had sex in months because he doesn't want to. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 960

You deserved it 3 810

Free healthcare, now!

By Anonymous - 13/08/2021 10:02

Today, I flew to America for my dad's funeral. I broke my vials of insulin and went to a pharmacy for a refill. No one told me they charge for insulin in America. One vial cost 270 dollars, the funeral is three days away and after booking a hotel, I have 6 dollars to feed myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 705

You deserved it 194

By tiredofbullshit - 08/01/2016 06:06 - United States - Littleton

Today, my dad took my car keys off my keychain and hid them from me. His reasoning was, "I don't want you to be driving during the winter." Guess who has to walk ten miles a day to work, through the New England snow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 589

You deserved it 1 634

By f my lifw - 07/04/2015 15:43 - United States - King Of Prussia

Today, I went to buy some makeup. As I was checking out, the cashier said, "You're going to need more than that to cover up that face." FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 188

You deserved it 3 014

By Anonymous - 02/02/2016 10:06 - Ireland - Cork

Today, I got to work and saw a new desk had been setup on stilts. 'Oh, who got the standing desk?' I asked. Turns out it's for the guy in the wheelchair who was right behind me. It needs to be high so the controls of his wheelchair can fit under the desk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 571

You deserved it 3 821

Pranked!

By RetroDayDreamer - 10/09/2011 15:46 - United States

Spicy

Today, my parents overheard me having sex with my girlfriend. They thought it would be funny to barge in with nothing but underwear on. This has happened twice now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 340

You deserved it 28 788

By Anonymous - 17/08/2009 22:11 - Canada

Today, I asked my aunt to pluck my eyebrows since hers are perfectly done. What I didn't know is she gets hers professionally shaped and she doesn't know how to shape eyebrows. I now look like a surprised Vulcan. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 742

You deserved it 22 627

By youknowyoureoptimisticwhen - 08/11/2015 16:45 - Canada - Montr?al

Today, I went to McDonald's. I was unaware of the Monopoly contest that they were holding. I was also unaware that you have to get 3 stickers of the same colour to claim your prize, and that it's not that easy to win a Jeep Cherokee. Taking down my Facebook post was awkward. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 627

You deserved it 20 067

By segal1010 - 28/02/2013 00:27 - United States - Potomac

Today, I found out that my mom has linked my iPhone with her iPad and has been secretly reading my texts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 805

You deserved it 4 283

By fhe - 16/04/2012 15:52 - Puerto Rico - San Juan

Today, I was fixing a leak in the roof. When I was climbing down the ladder, it fell, but I managed to grab the ledge of the roof. The ladder hit my wife's car, then I fell on top of the ladder. My wife came running out to ask what happened to the car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 583

You deserved it 2 669

By loveloves154 - 30/03/2018 15:00

Today, our toilet overflowed during the night. Over 50 gallons worth leaked through the floor and the ceiling to the room below. I am now covered in poop water. What a way to start the day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 897

You deserved it 245

By Anonymous - 13/09/2012 22:29 - United States

Today, I stumbled across "Here Comes Honey Boo Boo" on TV and realized that these awful freaks are going to make more money than I ever will. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 220

You deserved it 3 131

By mannnnn - 08/07/2009 05:21

Today, I went into work to change a shift I was unable to work. I phone the first person on the employee sheet and they promptly answer by saying "You still work here? I thought the manager fired you..." I was fired last week and have been showing up for shifts without anybody noticing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 652

You deserved it 6 045

By Anonymous - 26/03/2009 23:39 - United States

Today, I was at QuickTrip. As I was leaving, I passed a woman who was saying "stay" very sternly through her open driver's side door. I smiled as I passed, saying "Your dog wants to follow you huh? I've been there." She glared at me and said "No. That's my son. He's mentally challenged." FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 796

You deserved it 26 001

By Bearwaitressities - 15/02/2017 21:00 - South Africa - Durban

Today, whilst working my waitressing job, I had a patron lose his rag at me because there was too much "green stuff" in his salad. What did he expect? Chicken? FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 200

You deserved it 419

By beno - 07/01/2009 15:25 - United States

Today, I found out that my wife sent nudie pics to her ex-husband. My wife's excuse for the pics? "I needed a compliment because I thought you didn't love me." FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 326

You deserved it 6 050

The big C

By Anonymous - 10/12/2021 19:01 - United Kingdom

Today, I had an offer for a job, and was going to receive the offer letter… only if I would postpone my oncologist appointments. FML

I agree, your life sucks 871

You deserved it 75

By Anonymous - 26/02/2016 20:22 - South Africa - Port Elizabeth

Today, my mum wants me to see a psychologist because I've been acting strange lately. If by "strange" she means "not wanting to die any more", then sure. But thanks, I could've used that psychologist 3 years ago when I asked for one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 043

You deserved it 1 368

By Anonymous - 30/03/2014 18:45 - United Kingdom - Redditch

Today, it was my first ever live piano performance. It went all great until the end, when I stood up, slipped, and smashed face-first into the keys. I've lost half a tooth and all my dignity. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 788

You deserved it 3 862

By ??? - 26/01/2017 04:00

Today, I finally had the guts to tell my mom about her boyfriend hitting on me. Not only did she not care, but she got mad at me. I'm 15. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 689

You deserved it 470

By Username - 18/03/2010 08:21 - France

Spicy

Today, my wife told me she was very horny as we have not had sex in about two weeks, so I told her to do something for me to get me in the mood. She sighed and then went upstairs to get ready for work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 501

You deserved it 49 354

By Anonymous - 11/04/2015 07:56 - United States

Today, I found out that my family and friends all laugh and compare me to Spongebob behind my back. Why? Because I'm 37 and still can't pass my driver's test. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 175

You deserved it 18 533

By ilovechickens - 15/04/2012 03:46 - United States

Today, I tried to be kind to animals and get my dad to buy cage-free eggs. When I told him it was dollar more, he started yelling and making a scene in the middle of the store, saying that chickens are ugly and they deserve to suffer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 689

You deserved it 6 516

By floff - 19/09/2017 04:30

Today, I broke a toe. It was not too bad and I can still walk, but the doctors had to tape it to the next toe to help it heal. Turns out I am allergic to the glue on the tape. The pain of the blisters covering two toes and the itch is worst than the break. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 461

You deserved it 217

By Typicalwhitechick - 18/06/2017 00:00

Today, I finally have a day to go to the library and read for hours. Today is also a playday event for toddlers. In the library. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 648

You deserved it 511

By Anonymous - 29/06/2016 01:51

Today, I received a notification that someone opened a fraudulent credit card in my name. I'm not sure what's worse: that they were approved at all with my terrible credit, or that I was denied for this exact card when I applied out of desperation last month to pay for my service dog's surgery. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 451

You deserved it 896

By nicooolea - 03/03/2009 08:26 - United States

Today, the 75 year old blinding owner of the bar I work at called me over and told me to fire "Rachel, the stupid c**t after the next wrong thing she does". My name is Rachel. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 199

You deserved it 3 915

By FianceFlaw? - 25/11/2018 14:00

Today, I went to the courthouse to apply for my marriage license and had my mother tag along with me. When I asked one of five security guards where to go, my mom looked at him and said,"You’re suppose to talk her out of it." Thanks, Mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 820

You deserved it 258

By insomniac - 19/06/2009 06:41 - United States

Today, I was finally going to fall asleep at a decent hour. Having insomnia, I generally get about 2 hours of sleep. Right as I'm about to fall asleep, 5 firetrucks decide to drive right in front of my house with the sirens/lights on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 250

You deserved it 4 724

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Monday 5 December 2011 8:38

Wipe up, and start again.

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Monday 5 December 2011 8:36

Well, better luck next time haha!

Comments

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Monday 5 December 2011 8:36

Well, better luck next time haha!

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Monday 5 December 2011 9:00

Axe made A commercial about this, except the tv version had to show their armpits.

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Monday 5 December 2011 9:02

hahaha coming in for the suck then BLAM! all over her face LMfAO! very funny!

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Monday 5 December 2011 9:02

Someone got overly excited

StoryOfTheYear 13

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Monday 5 December 2011 9:04

Jumping the gun will never get you a head start here.

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Monday 5 December 2011 10:04

Or head for that matter

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Monday 5 December 2011 12:52

Haha! I can just imagine the look on her face as you jizzed all over it! Next time try to think about unsexy things. Totally worth the effort, blowjobs are amazing.

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Monday 5 December 2011 15:41

The money shot is supposed to happen at the end.....

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Monday 5 December 2011 21:46

Sucks that you didn't get the full experience. Would have been hilarious to see though, BLAM all over her face before she's ready haha

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Tuesday 6 December 2011 0:39

She must have had mad skills. That'd be my excuse. "Sorry baby, you were just too talented."

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Tuesday 6 December 2011 3:37

There was a FML post a while back where, from the view of a girl, a guy came before she took her pants off.

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Tuesday 6 December 2011 4:00

I like your picture lol

scottybhoymad 0

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Thursday 2 August 2012 2:03

Or better fuck next time

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Monday 5 December 2011 8:36

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

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Monday 5 December 2011 9:27

A little too excited.. ^^

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Monday 5 December 2011 10:53

Well.. The idea of getting one.. Made you so "happy" .. Now think about how it gonna feel to get a real one! Good luck next time

thisisafunnyname 12

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Monday 5 December 2011 13:22

gotta learn not to blow the oppurtunity

StormfrontX33_fml 24

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Monday 5 December 2011 14:45

Think about something that keeps you excited but not too excited next time.

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Tuesday 6 December 2011 0:04

Love that song!

Soviet_American 29

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Thursday 4 February 2016 2:57

Rookie mistake

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Monday 5 December 2011 8:37

That's happens sometimes, but the more experience you get the less often that will happen.

volley4eva1698 0

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Monday 5 December 2011 13:55

Op should jack off more

friedchickenpie 14

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Wednesday 21 December 2011 6:09

No, OP should have said: "BOOM! HEADSHOT!"

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Friday 7 June 2013 5:22

I've literally never had that happen in my life. Or wet dreams. And I'm 21. I never understood how someone could cum without having had anything touch them. Have lots of sex and you probably won't suck so bad. Just saying.

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Monday 5 December 2011 8:38

Wipe up, and start again.

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Monday 5 December 2011 11:48

You don't want her to get the easy one... Make her work for it.

22cute 17

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Tuesday 6 December 2011 4:35

I'd say your life sucks - but clearly it doesn't quite yet.

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Monday 5 December 2011 8:38

Happens to the best of us...

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Monday 5 December 2011 8:49

No. It really doesn't.

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Monday 5 December 2011 9:09

Eh 14 if it's your first time and you're really anxious and excited it's totally understandable. OP you'll be getting a lot more chances. Don't worry about it.

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Monday 5 December 2011 9:49

"Eh 14 if it's your first time and you're really anxious and excited it's totally understandable." Yeah, but it still doesn't happen to everyone (I think that's 14's point). The first blowjobs I gave to my boyfriend lasted more than an hour, so now I'm wondering, what's the less enjoyable for both partners...

Schizomaniac 24

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Monday 5 December 2011 9:52

An HOUR? Goodness..

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Monday 5 December 2011 10:38

42, were you wearing that gas mask or something? An hour, wow o.O

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Monday 5 December 2011 10:42

42 just can't get enough.

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Monday 5 December 2011 16:01

I can't get enough? Good heaven, do you know how numb my mouth and how devastated my body felt afterwards? *bad memories*

TruthBeTold36 3

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Monday 5 December 2011 16:12

Did he take you to see broadway?

slushpup9696 12

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Monday 5 December 2011 16:13

As a guy, I'd be bored after an hour, so I have no idea how you managed to keep that up.

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Monday 5 December 2011 19:40

More than sn hour? Jesus

sinking_fish 12

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Monday 5 December 2011 21:26

105- ...no idea how you did that for an hour. 20 minutes, okay. 30 minutes, ehhhh. An hour? My husband would be so incredibly bored, not to mention my mouth probablyyyy would hate me forever.

fredrikleijon 4

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Tuesday 6 December 2011 0:22

107, i just love how everyone always quotes something from southpark

lmgk 0

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Tuesday 6 December 2011 6:26

Bullshit!

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Wednesday 7 December 2011 5:40

That's probably average time in Belguim. Lol

PeteyPablo12308 20

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Monday 5 December 2011 8:40

You gotta start somewhere.

AngryCanadian 0

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Tuesday 6 December 2011 9:12

What, no "that blows" guy?

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Monday 15 October 2012 4:10

Yea I would have sucked it anyway.

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Monday 5 December 2011 8:40

kinda defeats the purpose of a bj :(

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Monday 5 December 2011 14:27

That's the point of the FML....

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Tuesday 6 December 2011 1:26

Hahaha

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Tuesday 6 December 2011 5:38

No duh dumb shit!!!

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Monday 5 December 2011 8:41

The first time is usually the shortest.. Try again.

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Monday 5 December 2011 21:49

Well, I hope that that is the shortest...

ty1992_farmlife 12

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Tuesday 6 December 2011 1:00

Yeah, it jus takes a couple of times. I'm sure you'll get better dude, everyone does lol

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Tuesday 6 December 2011 6:58

First time's the shortest??? I lasted an hour-and-a-half, holy crap XD

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Friday 9 December 2011 3:17

Not for me hehehe

onlychildFTW 33

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Monday 5 December 2011 8:42

It happens. Don't worry. Next time you will last twice as long!

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Monday 5 December 2011 11:05

Um...twice the length of nothing is still nothing. But we get what ur sayin. OP next time just relax. Hell thats the whole appeal of a bj over sex is the relaxation.

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Monday 5 December 2011 20:50

So soon as her lips touch is twice as long still not to much of a bj

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Tuesday 6 December 2011 0:58

So about a minute :)

abc123cimsmart 3

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Tuesday 6 December 2011 5:15

It's still longer than Justin bieber lasted!

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 18:20

Trick comment 176, because Bieber is a girl

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Wednesday 28 March 2012 23:18

But 0*2=0, so twice as long is still nothing

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Monday 5 December 2011 8:45

Rofl that's classic

Nearly

Today I ripped my lovely £50 coat on barbed wire, what I only worn a hand full of times, ended up having to spend £10 to get it repaired, have to wait till Friday to pick it up, it’s only Tuesday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 2

Today, a tech came to repair my cracked phone screen. He told me to remove my case and took it to his van in my driveway to fix it. Thirty minutes later, he rings my doorbell and hands me my phone back. He says he fixed the screen but tripped and dropped it walking back to my house, and completely shattered the back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59

You deserved it 4

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I spent all day waiting for an unlikely follow up text from the girl from Tinder I let peg me on the first date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 254

You deserved it 682

Today, I swear I'm off men for good after my latest dud date wanted me to pee on his chest to turn him on, and we were only 20 minutes into the first date. The entire male gender are disgusting pigs, no matter how nice they pretend to be. FML

I agree, your life sucks 637

You deserved it 805