Intimacy: Today, before my girlfriend gave me a blow job, she put on goggles....

By hitintheeye - 26/11/2011 15:09 - Canada

Today, before my girlfriend gave me a blow job, she put on goggles. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 515

You deserved it 17 089

Intimacy

Mama's boy

Stop talking!

No end in sight

By kat - 21/02/2012 09:53 - Reserved

Today, a client stared at me in disbelief after I mentioned that I had a boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 666

You deserved it 3 045

Nice guys

By Anonymous - 13/06/2021 19:59

Today, having split up with my husband, I tried to plan visitation so he could visit my sons, his stepkids, only to be told he has no intention of visiting kids that aren’t actually his, and that now we’re divorced they're entirely my problem and good riddance. FML

I agree, your life sucks 629

You deserved it 989

The ruling class wins again

By jcrb - 03/09/2021 10:59

Today, someone had been stealing my brownie at work every day, so I sprinkled cocolax on one and waited to find out who the culprit was. Turns out it was my manager. Needless to say, I'm fired. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 197

You deserved it 157

A Dog's Love = Priceless

By Sudokori - 29/08/2017 20:00

Today, I bought a lottery ticket. Two hours ago, I found out that the ticket was worth $100. Five minutes ago, I found my dog eating it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 317

You deserved it 625

Anti Joke

By Anonymous - 14/02/2014 21:39 - United States - Daytona Beach

Today, a guy called customer support, claiming his internet wasn't working. I asked for his customer details, and he gave his name as Mike Hunt. I recognized the old joke, called him an idiot, and hung up on him. It turned out that was his real name. I'm now on suspension. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 762

You deserved it 36 250

By AnonymousCow - 20/09/2016 13:04 - Australia - Perth

Today, I told my daughter that she wasn't allowed to eat in her room, so she sat at the table and glared at me for 10 minutes while she ate. She's 15. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 755

You deserved it 1 860

By unwed - 11/12/2010 06:56 - United States

Today, I found out that my fiancé is going to be deployed on our wedding day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 404

You deserved it 4 385

By Disappointed - 30/05/2015 20:05 - United States - Lexington

Today, my boyfriend and I celebrated our 5 year anniversary. All I got was him stopping by for a quickie before he went into work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 500

You deserved it 4 470

By kengu - 23/10/2011 21:02 - Norway

Today, I mopped all the floors in my house. When I was finally done, I accidentally knocked over an open bottle of soda. My cats took this as a perfect opportunity to chase each other around, step in the soda, and track sticky paw prints everywhere. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 563

You deserved it 7 106

By Anonymous - 27/01/2016 13:30 - United States - Boston

Today, my friends and I were goofing off playing tag behind the local church, when I heard a banshee-like wail behind me. Assuming it was one of my friends, I wailed right back and ran. Turned out there was actually a funeral going on, and the wail was from one of the bereaved. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 264

You deserved it 7 856

By SadDad - 06/03/2009 01:51 - United States

Today, in a very crowded public restroom at a sporting arena, after looking to the man using the urinal to his right, my 6 year old son turns to address me on his left and exclaims, "Daddy, that man's wiener is a lot bigger than yours!" The whole bathroom heard and looked immediately at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 72 163

You deserved it 4 334

By deranged - 25/05/2017 19:00 - Ukraine - Pirogov

Today, my girlfriend and I went to the bank to get her new ATM card. As the bank teller gave her the card, he said that the PIN remained the same. Indignant, she cried out, "How do you possibly know my PIN code?" She's 27. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 940

You deserved it 509

By Anonymous - 22/07/2009 22:05 - United States

Today, I went over to my girlfriend's house for dinner. Her parents seemed upset, so I tried to lighten the mood by saying, "Hey, at least the weekend is coming up and you guys won't have to go in for work." Apparently, they were upset because they both got laid off from their jobs today. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 458

You deserved it 8 418

By FrOsTy25 - 13/04/2011 22:57

Today, I ran a red light in front of a cop and got pulled over. My friend thought it would be funny to throw a knife in my lap and scream "Help me officer, he has a knife!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 689

You deserved it 7 626

By Jim - 25/01/2011 08:27

Today, during PE I got hit in the face with the ball. Everyone cheered because we got 5 extra points. No one asked if I was okay. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 339

You deserved it 4 282

By hudd357mag - 06/02/2012 05:35 - United States

Today, the girl I have a crush on texted me to go out tonight. When I got to her house, she peered at me quizzically and asked, "What do you want? Did I text you?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 104

You deserved it 2 438

By Anonymous - 30/03/2012 23:05 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I was holding our weekly poker game with a few work buddies. My psychotic, live-in mother-in-law wasted no time jumping into the game, cheating me out of $150, my new wristwatch, and what little pride I had left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 067

You deserved it 10 518

By Anonymous - 19/01/2011 06:27 - United States

Today, I drove to buy new sneakers to work out and lose weight. Coming out of the store, I saw someone had parked too close to me. I had to beg a stranger to back my car out for me, because no matter how I tried, I couldn't get into the driver's seat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 385

You deserved it 10 178

Alexa, play "I Won't Share You" by The Smiths

By Shawn Bennight - 10/06/2020 08:07

Today, my wife of 23 years said she wanted a divorce, that she didn't love me anymore and is moving out. Why? I told her I didn't want us to date and have sex with other people. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 028

You deserved it 201

By Anonymous - 14/01/2015 07:18 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, I had to explain to my grandmother why, "What a nice singing voice! He doesn't sound black at all!" is not a compliment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 991

You deserved it 3 031

By Noname - 16/02/2009 00:33 - United States

Today, I was giving my boyfriend a blow job, he was twitching and moving around and saying "oh yeah" then he said "take that bitch". I looked up to see he was only excited about how he is domination in Call of Duty 4. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 918

You deserved it 10 564

The miracle of barf

By EvictingItSoon - 08/03/2020 23:07

Today, what I thought was food poisoning is actually a baby. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 673

You deserved it 657

By Anonymous - 31/07/2009 21:05 - United States

Today, I needed to buy Vagisil. I went to the grocery store so I could use the self check-out. My item rung up incorrectly, so a girl came to help. She was new and having trouble, so she called more people to help. I ended up having five people around me talking about my Vagisil purchase. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 163

You deserved it 4 543

By ohh jeez. - 21/02/2009 02:49 - United States

Today, I handed in an assignment in health class that had to calculate my BMI. Embarassed by my weight I put it 15 pounds less. I got the assignment back and lost credit for something. Circled in red pen on the top was you must put your "EXACT" weight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 600

You deserved it 18 862

By Criminal - 13/07/2010 23:15 - United States

Today, I got a speeding ticket. I wrote a check, and on the way to deposit my fine, I got another one. I put both fines in a box down town, and I turned around to see a cop putting a parking ticket under my wind-shield wiper. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 908

You deserved it 49 234

By Ouch - 25/04/2011 19:31 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend and I were getting intimate and planning on having sex for the first time. I picked her up off the couch, and in so doing, accidentally lifted her too high, putting her head through the ceiling. She had a mild concussion. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 652

You deserved it 20 612

Great handle!

By I'll Make You FartCum - 02/01/2015 21:53 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend for the first time in over a month. When I came, I thrust one last time and let out a huge fart. She couldn't keep her mouth shut about it, and now all our friends keep calling me "CumFart". FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 320

You deserved it 9 094

By Anonymous - 17/01/2010 15:18 - United States

Today, my mother woke me up at 4:30 A.M. to tell me our dog was running down the street. I ran for an hour, chasing after her. Turns out it was our new neighbor's dog. Ours was in our basement. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 837

You deserved it 4 117

By MoneyMoneyMoneyMonayMONAY - 21/03/2012 20:13 - United States

Today, I found a $10 bill on the ground. I got so excited and felt like I was the richest person alive. That was, until the wind blew it out of my hand, never to be seen again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 115

You deserved it 7 879

By hayah - 21/02/2010 06:08 - France

Today, I decided to not go to a strip club for the second Saturday in a row, because I didn't want to appear desperate in front of the strippers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 347

You deserved it 23 285

By RosaMaravillosa - 27/06/2016 18:09 - Netherlands - Amsterdam

Today, after being constipated a few days, I used the restroom at a bar. It took a loooong time before I got out. As I went to exit the bar, only the employees were still there, waiting for me because they had closed 30 minutes ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 635

You deserved it 2 702

By Anonymous - 22/03/2009 01:41 - United States

Today, I went to withdraw 200 dollars. At the ATM, I noticed a suspicious man standing really close to me. I was nervous about entering my pin number, and worrying he was looking at my account information. In my panic, I got all the way home before realizing that I left the cash in the machine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 547

You deserved it 83 248

By Anonymous - 04/11/2009 21:42 - United States

Today, I drove three and a half hours to surprise my long distance boyfriend for our anniversary. He was out of town. Where was he? Three and a half hours away trying to surprise me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 519

You deserved it 8 128

By Anonymous - 19/06/2009 05:26 - United States

Today, I went through the drive through at Dunkin Donuts and asked for an iced coffee. After no response I start frantically screaming about bad service. After a while, the woman comes out to my car and says, "Please pull up to the speaker." I yelled at a garbage bin for 5 minutes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 459

You deserved it 124 695

By Anonymous - 03/10/2014 22:14 - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, I horribly lost a game of basketball against my dad. It wouldn't have been so humiliating if he hadn't been piss drunk at the time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 129

You deserved it 5 982

By Broken - 03/11/2015 18:13 - United States - Billerica

Today, I took my nephew to the roller rink and I broke not one arm but both. Now I can't even wipe. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 439

You deserved it 1 776

By Anonymous - 14/06/2019 00:01

Today, I gave my name for a lunch order, I even spelled it out for the cashier. When my food was ready, they screamed "Labia," in the restaurant full of people. My name is Nadia. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 765

You deserved it 137

By tina247 - 24/01/2011 15:50

Today, I realised that my husband's vows were actually the love speech from 'When Harry Met Sally'. This was made even more humiliating when I discovered that he hadn't even come up with the idea himself, he had seen it in an episode of Scrubs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 787

You deserved it 5 090

By Ren - 30/01/2009 15:50 - United States

Today, I received a text message from my older brother. It said, "Ah... I want you". I hope to god it was intended for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 400

You deserved it 2 135

By Anonymous - 04/01/2013 22:52 - United States - Elgin

Today, my boyfriend showed up at my grandmother's wake in torn jeans and a Family Guy t-shirt. When I took him aside asked him what the hell he was thinking, he lost his temper and stormed out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 210

You deserved it 4 274

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Top comments

Mr25_fml 14

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Saturday 26 November 2011 18:54

come prepared

LeoF_fml 0

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Saturday 26 November 2011 18:55

Haha, too big of a load to handle?

Mr25_fml 14

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Saturday 26 November 2011 18:54

come prepared

thissucksfmll 0

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Saturday 26 November 2011 19:01

Cumm prepared*

brunogtz 4

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Saturday 26 November 2011 19:02

doesn't matter, had sex

Orion1434 5

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Saturday 26 November 2011 19:07

Still counts

skatepunk96 0

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Saturday 26 November 2011 19:09

It was just incase he stuck it in the wrong hole...

TheDeadlyTurtle 7

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Saturday 26 November 2011 19:27

Safety first!

Iskaria 0

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Saturday 26 November 2011 20:03

Not an FML - probable facial.

tweetypie 18

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Saturday 26 November 2011 21:02

Is this the guy that called his gf "dickeye" after he poked her in the eye? If so she has every right to be afraid.

xoconnie 8

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Saturday 26 November 2011 21:15

hah thats funny. did u just continue on withou saying anything?

Kolby27 1

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Saturday 26 November 2011 23:23

thats a win in my books

number0 8

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Sunday 27 November 2011 2:06

As a scientist, I wouldn't like foreign chemicals in my eyes either.

IVIikey_312 0

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Sunday 27 November 2011 4:07

that made no sense.

Eaglestrike117 29

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Sunday 27 November 2011 4:18

That's pretty much a compliment...

zurisbloodyrose 0

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Sunday 27 November 2011 5:27

.....you're not supposed to do that?

pyromania21 0

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Sunday 27 November 2011 16:25

guess hancocks gf figured out proper bj techniques on super heroes

blackheart24 10

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Monday 28 November 2011 6:40

Makes sense since the username is hitintheeye...

greenpixi 10

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Monday 28 November 2011 18:25

Major props to this girl, honestly. Sounds to me like this guy needs to learn to aim a bit better

weeshnaw 0

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Tuesday 29 November 2011 16:04

BeachBoi_Alex 7

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Sunday 4 December 2011 2:31

She just didnt want OP to burn her eyes out with his acid semen.

LeoF_fml 0

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Saturday 26 November 2011 18:55

Haha, too big of a load to handle?

JustinComments 3

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Saturday 26 November 2011 20:01

He's small. Prescription goggles ;)

npnptracking 7

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Saturday 26 November 2011 20:58

She's smart! She had to "come" prepared

brown4lifejot 1

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Saturday 26 November 2011 23:19

She needs protection everywhere.lol

Ha1r1nY0S0up 15

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Sunday 27 November 2011 5:24

It's fine just put on a gas mask before you eat her out

Meowingtons500 18

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Sunday 27 November 2011 7:44

Careful guys! This ones a gusher! ^_^

Caramelox 3

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Saturday 26 November 2011 18:55

Well.. That's nice.

TashaRuber 0

Saturday 26 November 2011 18:55

Ewwww whats hiding under there? Lmao

TashaRuber 0

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Saturday 26 November 2011 19:19

Lool

KiddNYC1O 20

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Saturday 26 November 2011 21:36

#4 meant what's under op's forest nutsack.

builditbetter09 3

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Sunday 27 November 2011 3:39

Underwear? Haaahaaahaaaa -_-

ProjeKtSC2 8

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Sunday 27 November 2011 4:35

I hope every comment you ever post gets at least 40 dislikes... Just speakin the truth

TashaRuber 0

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Sunday 27 November 2011 17:15

I hope u shut the f up little ass

GarrettRice 3

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Monday 28 November 2011 1:06

Haha 69 dislikes

TashaRuber 0

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Monday 28 November 2011 1:34

Ha idc i have like 100 likes on another one

jess_isamess 5

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Monday 28 November 2011 3:16

You're cool

pablopoo 7

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Monday 28 November 2011 6:43

U look lika porn star

ImFrackinBored 13

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Monday 28 November 2011 7:47

You know something went wrong when you biggest sense of accomplishment is getting over 100 likes on a comment...

TashaRuber 0

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Monday 28 November 2011 13:59

Gtfoo like did anyone ask u?

chels1994 11

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Monday 28 November 2011 16:21

no offence to anyone on this thread, but this made me crack up for a good 3 minutes

The_Troller 14

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Monday 28 November 2011 21:42

I would've said the same but I was afraid I would be told to "GTFO"

TashaRuber 0

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Monday 28 November 2011 23:11

Its honestly so stupid...

chels1994 11

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Tuesday 29 November 2011 21:23

the thing to understand is if you tell someone on the net to shut the hell up or whatever, theyre just gonna keep poking at your frustration :-

GarrettRice 3

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Monday 26 December 2011 4:20

Your addicted to Justin bieber

GarrettRice 3

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Monday 26 December 2011 4:41

Wow nobody's gonna read this

huggs15 0

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Friday 22 June 2012 5:44

Hey girl... There's something wrong with my phone... Your number seems to be missing?

bossman57 2

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Wednesday 4 July 2012 20:51

Wow ur hot

TwentyFourXXIV 13

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Monday 26 November 2012 5:01

Jujubilee 1

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Saturday 26 November 2011 18:55

You must shoot quite a load...

Jirekianu2 19

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Sunday 27 November 2011 1:41

That picture combined with that comment. Awesome.

G0v3nat0r 7

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Sunday 27 November 2011 5:54

*fap fap fap* lol jk, but still funny

hubla 0

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Saturday 26 November 2011 18:57

Well the guy says when handling a spitting cobra you should always wear safety goggles. I'm just waiting for the gloves haha

Stealthed 8

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Saturday 26 November 2011 19:12

And splash mat!

zyth 4

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Saturday 26 November 2011 18:57

I'd take it as a compliment.

cheer21moose 13

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Sunday 27 November 2011 4:46

That's one very weird compliment

instnt1nfction 17

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Saturday 26 November 2011 18:57

~fashion~

dhardesty23 8

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Saturday 26 November 2011 18:57

I'm not sure what I think of that..

brown4lifejot 1

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Saturday 26 November 2011 23:21

I'm not sure what I think of this.

Justforlolz 14

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Saturday 26 November 2011 23:51

I'm sure that 9 and 114 didn't need to comment in the first place.

keeks46 12

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Sunday 27 November 2011 14:44

Neither are you 124

1JDub 6

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Saturday 26 November 2011 18:58

That my friend is the OK for a facial! Enjoy OP

Nearly

Today, I feel like I'm going crazy as I'm in a 2-year relationship with a guy who's 17 years older than me (I'm 23). He's a wonderful partner and I'm totally in love, but the age gap causes monthly, sometimes daily, shifts between wanting to have it all with him, and wanting to leave him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7

You deserved it 46

Today, it has been 7 years of me submitting FML’s. I don’t know what worse, that I’ve submitted so many of that none have never been featured. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48

You deserved it 26

Spicy

Today, I found out on Facebook that my mom and step-dad have an open marriage. To make matters worse, my step-dad shamed me for not being more sex positive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 413

You deserved it 104

Today, I found out why my husband faked being sick on Thanksgiving. He was invited to Thanksgiving dinner by to the coworker he’s seeing. She was planning to introduce him to her family. He never told her he was married, so knowing I would tag along if he came, he faked having a “fever” so he couldn’t go out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 732

You deserved it 38