Today, about 30 seconds into my first blowjob, my girlfriend... - FML

By fuck - 24/7/2015 16:44 - Canada - Cowansville

Today, about 30 seconds into my first blowjob, my girlfriend threatened to cut my balls off if I didn't "just fucking cum already". FML

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Body issues

Everyone's an expert

The opposite of a good idea

By Anonymous - 29/11/2009 23:10 - Australia

Today, I got fired. By my father. He wants me to drive him to work tomorrow. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/9/2015 20:50 - United Kingdom - Brentwood

Today, my boyfriend convinced me to face my fear of horror movies by promising to hold my hand through the entire flick. He fell asleep 10 minutes into it, farting and snoring in his sleep, whilst I was paralysed by fear. FML

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By Yippie - 2/5/2017 22:00 - Spain - Alcal? De Guadaira

Today, when I woke up, I quickly pulled the bed sheet with my right arm to get out of the bed. I failed to notice that a big portion of the sheet was pinned under my body. My arm dislocated and I fainted because of the pain. Great way to start the day. FML

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By K. - 7/5/2011 17:38 - United States

Today, my dad demonstrated just how incredibly illiterate he is. He sent me a chain email about the awful lives of people with "Asparagus syndrome". FML

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By nali1122 - 22/10/2019 12:00

Burned!

Today, I received a text forward from a good friend inviting me to his birthday party. Jokingly, I texted back, "No. I hate you and I don't want to go to your lame party." He replied with an apology for the mix-up, because he'd accidentally sent me the invite. FML

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By milked - 27/2/2015 05:28 - United States

Today, as I was about to have sex with my husband, I said I wanted to "spice things up." Apparently, our ideas weren't the same. He yanked my nipples as hard as he could and said, "Yeah, you like that?" FML

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By Anonymous - 10/7/2015 17:07 - United States

Today, as always, I have a type of eczema that flares up when I'm stressed out or anxious. And today, the girl I've been in love with for 4 years asked me out on a date. We meet up in a few hours, and right now I look like I have smallpox. FML

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By Crossy - 23/8/2009 06:54 - Australia

Today, a friend jokingly asked who in my relationship wears the pants. My girlfriend replied, "I'm not sure, but I've got photos to prove I don't wear the skirt." FML

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By Anonymous - 29/4/2011 06:29 - United States

Today, while being robbed, a man heroically chased down the robber and got my purse back. He then looked at the distance between us, turned the other way and ran off with it. FML

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By jarrettsorko - 23/8/2011 16:38 - Canada

Today, someone broke into my house. They stole my TV, DVD player and a few DVDs. However they only took about 2 out of 100 DVDs. Apparently that's how bad my taste is in movies. FML

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By friend loves a gay guy... - 23/9/2013 20:49 - United States - Cincinnati

Today, my best friend told me that she no longer wants to cut herself because now she's madly in love with a guy in our school. She doesn't know that he's gay. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/1/2015 18:11 - Australia - Perth

Today, I had to explain to my teenage daughter that The Interview wasn't a documentary and that Kim Jong-un wasn't actually assassinated by a pair of goofy reporters. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/8/2019 12:00

Today, I found out I'm starting to get varicose veins, typical in older people who don't move enough. I'm 34 and I get 9 hours of exercise a week. FML

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By ArtistBlock - 25/11/2016 05:10

Today, I was in charge of Thanksgiving dinner. I dressed and stuffed the turkey, popped it in the oven and sent a mass text out to my family about how amazing it would be. Everyone arrived, we began making plates of food when I checked the turkey, and realized I never even turned on the oven. FML

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By Foster_Em - 4/7/2009 04:38 - United States

Today, I was coming home from a date, I saw my ex standing in my drive-way. He had dumped me 2 months ago saying he couldn't talk me. To make him jealous, I made out with my new guy before greeting him. Turns out he couldn't talk to me because he had had cancer and had been afraid to tell me. FML

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By dk_2k16 - 12/4/2016 20:29 - United States - Hattiesburg

Today, I went to take my permit test. I had been studying for months and was familiar with the whole book. When I sat down to take my test, I didn't recognize any of the questions. I went home and found out the book I used to study was the book my mom used to take her test in 1970. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/3/2014 04:05 - Canada - Ottawa

Today, I learned that most teenagers would rather grab free candy from the broken vending machine than help the guy stuck underneath it get free. FML

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By Fml37 - 20/12/2009 05:13 - Canada

Today, I had to take a taxi to work, because I was pressed for time, and didn't have a ride there. When I got to work, I paid the cab driver, and realized I had spent more money on the cab than I was going to make at work. FML

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By Forgetable - 21/4/2011 05:27 - United States

Today, a coworker introduced herself to me and told me she hopes I enjoy my new job. We've worked in the same building for two years. I say hello every time I see her. FML

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By Lililaloose - 24/12/2008 04:11 - France

Today, while I was looking for a file on my boyfriend's hard drive, I came across photos of a half-naked woman wearing my clothes, but whose head wasn't really visible. When I demanded an explanation, I realised that it wasn't another girl - it was him. FML

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By anonymous - 29/8/2011 18:47 - United States

Today, my mother-in-law told my husband that I cannot stay in her house unless I can bring proof from a doctor that my allergy to cats is not contagious. FML

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By nonbelieber - 26/11/2012 00:55 - United States - Keenesburg

Today, my girlfriend started bawling, saying that our relationship wouldn't work. Why? Because if Justin and Selena can't do it, no one can. FML

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By redneckpunk - 16/3/2015 19:15 - United States - Schaumburg

Today, during a date with my girlfriend, I found out you can hiccup hard enough to convince someone that you're having a seizure. FML

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By smalltownkid - 1/3/2015 23:22 - United States - Houston

Today, I moved to a big city, alone, from a small town. After convincing myself it wasn't that scary, I hailed my first cab. The driver spent the 30 minute ride from the airport telling me about how "sometimes, you just gotta shoot a guy" because if they steal your shoes, they deserve it. FML

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By ashily24 - 7/2/2018 15:00

Today, I went and had my first ultrasound done. My husband said he had a meeting at work, and couldn't come. As I was leaving, I saw him at the doctor's office with another heavily pregnant woman. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/10/2009 02:38 - United States

Today, I walked into work, and the first question my boss asks me is "Are those your pajamas?" I was wearing my favorite outfit. FML

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By stephiexbabexx - 15/1/2010 21:27 - United States

Today, I was with my friends at Burger King. While we were eating, I placed my cellphone on the tray, not realising that I'd left it there until after I emptied my tray into the bin. When I got it out of the trash, it was covered in soggy, sticky garbage. FML

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By LadySteveMartin - 2/4/2013 00:18 - United States - Woonsocket

Today, I finally had the best sex I've ever had with this really hot guy I've been hanging out with lately. I thought everything was all well and good until he turned to me and said, "You know, your orgasm face kinda reminds me of Steve Martin, but in a good way." FML

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By (///▽///) - 18/2/2017 21:00 - United States - Austin

Today, I learned that "prima donna" was not in fact "pre-Madonna" like I'd always thought. My family won't stop laughing at me. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/3/2020 03:00

Too much of a good thing

Today, I finally found a job as a secretary for a small film studio. The sets are in a soundproofed part of the building, but not for the typical reasons. Right through the wall is a pornography studio. It's all I'll hear from 8 to 5 every day. FML

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By AbhorrentApplication - 28/4/2013 23:40 - United States - Reston

Today, my ten-year-old sister had to write out my job application because no one can read my terrible handwriting. FML

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By air - 13/7/2009 09:17 - United States

Today, I found out I was pregnant. When I told my boyfriend that I couldn't believe this happened he said, "I'm not going to lie, I didn't always pull out fast." FML

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By Anonymous - 26/9/2009 20:28 - United States

Today, my sister bought my five year old son a giant ant farm for his birthday. We set it in the living room on a table. I went into the kitchen for a minute, and when I walked back in to the living room, my son was holding the empty case over his head, smiling. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/7/2018 01:30

Today, I got a once-in-a-lifetime chance to see Hamilton. My friend kept complaining and asking very loudly why it was "just about that one guy". We got kicked out. FML

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By walkingdictionary - 18/1/2013 02:31 - Canada - Toronto

Today, a four-year-old said a word that I didn't know the meaning of. I had to look up the definition. FML

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By anonamous - 17/7/2009 16:59 - United States

Today, I found out that my wife gave me head lice on purpose so I would have to cut off the ponytail that I've been growing since '99. FML

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By Monster-in-law - 9/8/2017 16:30 - United States - Sherwood

Today, I got a call from my brother-in-law's doctor. Apparently he's made threats and fantasizes about killing me. "Notifying you is the protocol for things like this" he said, and ended the conversation with, "have a nice day." FML

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By Anonymous - 21/6/2012 14:52 - United States - Medway

Today, when I told my family I was a vegetarian, I expected them to make fun of me because that's just my family. But what I wasn't expecting was my dad to use raw meat as a puppet and make it say, "Eat me! Eat me!" then throw it at my face. FML

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By Elizabeth Ann - 19/11/2018 12:00

Today, I no longer need an alarm clock. My cat has learned to jump on my boobs at precisely 7:30 every morning. If I don't get up immediately, she just keeps jumping on my boobs. I'm an E cup. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/4/2013 09:17 - United States

Today, I was lost in a foreign city so I asked a girl for directions. She replied, "Directions? ONE DIRECTION!" and started screaming in my face and jumping around. FML

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Top comments

By dramaelf | 37

#6360533 - Saturday 25 July 2015 7:16

No pressure, then.

By FalloutScrolls | 25

#6360543 - Saturday 25 July 2015 7:20

Sounds like real keeper to me. Totally not crazy. Nope. Not one bit.

Comments

By dramaelf | 37

#6360533 - Saturday 25 July 2015 7:16

No pressure, then.

Reply

PhinIt2WinIt | 24

#6362604 - Monday 27 July 2015 3:57

she seems impatient.

By AirBusDriver | 23

#6360539 - Saturday 25 July 2015 7:18

"Check please"...

Reply

vikky538 | 28

#6360837 - Saturday 25 July 2015 14:27

For every 30 seconds

Reply

BlueXephos | 10

#6362112 - Sunday 26 July 2015 19:02

Is this from Goodness Gracious Me?

By WellThatWasRude | 27

#6360541 - Saturday 25 July 2015 7:18

That must have been a real mood-killer. Next time you perform oral on her, you should say the same thing as pay-back.

Reply

tehman117 | 21

#6360544 - Saturday 25 July 2015 7:21

Op will cut her balls off?

Reply

kurodansei | 16

#6360546 - Saturday 25 July 2015 7:21

He'll carve out her ovaries.

Reply

WellThatWasRude | 27

#6360548 - Saturday 25 July 2015 7:22

Sorry, I forgot about that part. Maybe cut off her boobs then.

Reply

TheJasonLi | 13

#6360587 - Saturday 25 July 2015 7:52

Your username fits perfectly with the FML lol

Reply

THEDUDE1553566 | 24

#6360896 - Saturday 25 July 2015 15:45

Or threaten to cut her clit off lol

Reply

Redgy22 | 25

#6361126 - Saturday 25 July 2015 20:08

Why would there even be a next time? RUN OP, RUN!!!!

Reply

burristhethird | 16

#6361324 - Saturday 25 July 2015 23:50

I swear to fucking God if you don't hurry up and cum I will strangle you with your own fillopian tubes.

Reply

Ifuckedthefeartu | 30

#6512533 - Sunday 17 January 2016 7:01

The weird thing is one of my fronds says the exact same thing, to pretty much anyone who agitates her (of course it's playful, but strange nonetheless)

By FalloutScrolls | 25

#6360543 - Saturday 25 July 2015 7:20

Sounds like real keeper to me. Totally not crazy. Nope. Not one bit.

By RitRit | 20

#6360547 - Saturday 25 July 2015 7:21

She's got quite the explosive personality.

Reply

laden_swallow09 | 34

#6360595 - Saturday 25 July 2015 8:06

Apparently, not explosive enough for him.

Reply

VoldooPed | 20

#6360615 - Saturday 25 July 2015 8:29

sounds like he's not explosive to her.

By Capitan | 15

#6360550 - Saturday 25 July 2015 7:22

Maybe she wasn't as good as she thought she was? Congratulations by the way!

Reply

Hunter_the_Ninja | 22

#6360568 - Saturday 25 July 2015 7:35

No matter how good the girl is, nobody can make a dude cum with a blowjob in 30 seconds.

Reply

keyofdestiny13 | 24

#6360703 - Saturday 25 July 2015 9:59

I can, 21

Reply

a1_z9 | 10

#6360726 - Saturday 25 July 2015 10:29

I think, more often than not, if a man comes that quickly it's more about him than the skill of the person fellating him.

Reply

VideoGameGangsta | 5

#6361484 - Sunday 26 July 2015 2:52

#47 okay then prove it

By Mcstud1y | 30

#6360551 - Saturday 25 July 2015 7:23

Still got a blowjob. Maybe you should explain good things take time. Lol good luck OP

By 1221jamw | 11

#6360553 - Saturday 25 July 2015 7:23

I don't know what to tell you I've never had this problem, OP....

By BossManBryan | 12

#6360554 - Saturday 25 July 2015 7:24

That kinda SUCKED. x)

By Rynow | 7

#6360555 - Saturday 25 July 2015 7:24

Little bit kinky