Intimacy: Today, about 30 seconds into my first blowjob, my girlfriend... - FML

By fuck - Canada - Cowansville

Today, about 30 seconds into my first blowjob, my girlfriend threatened to cut my balls off if I didn't "just fucking cum already". FML

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Understandable

Taking stock

This Charming Man

By mama’s boy

Chuck E. Cheese awaits

Today, I realized just how spoiled and immature my boyfriend is when I asked him several times what he’d like for dinner. Getting no answer, I made steak, potatoes and salad. He then sulked and refused to eat it, since he wanted spaghetti and meatballs instead. FML

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By mel_bear_ - United Kingdom

Today, it was my wedding day. Midway through the ceremony, my visibly drunk uncle stood up and denounced the minister for "preaching yer god shite where it weren't never be welcome". FML

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By ash - United States

Today, was my boyfriends last night visiting my family. My dog decided to go through the trash, then ran up to my dad with one of our used condoms caught on her teeth. My parents didn't even know we were sleeping in the same room. They know a lot more now. FML

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By disaster... - United States

Today, my mom and my step dad decided they're getting a divorce. They've been married for 2 weeks and I paid for a quarter of the wedding. FML

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By owl + bungee cord - United States - Herndon

Today, my boyfriend and I were in the shower and things were getting heated. I tried to move position, but slipped and fell, bringing the shower curtain I'd grabbed onto down with me along its support rod. My ass hit the floor just as hard as the rod hit my head. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I realized the closest thing I've had to an intimate relationship with a female is the one I have with my cat. Even then, she ignores me. FML

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By hahatofunny - United States - Pensacola

Today, while at the gym, I started flirting with a hot doctor. I thought things were going well so I suggested we work out together sometime and maybe work our way up to dinner together, to which she replied, "Sorry but I've seen tumors bigger than your biceps," and then walked out. FML

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By fml_seriouslyfml - United States

Today, I left my wallet on top of my car when I filled up with gas. I drove away and didn't realize it until I got home. I went back and found it on the side of the road. Empty of my credit cards, pictures and checks. All that was left was my driver's license. FML

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By XxDiabolikalXx - France

Today, while having dinner, my boyfriend decided to tell everyone about our sex life. It wouldnt have been too bad except my father was sitting right next to me. My boyfriends excuse was that he wanted to make my dad laugh. He isn't laughing. FML

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By Username - Australia

Today, I was really stressed, so I tried to let it out by crying. It lasted about 30 seconds, and I was making fun of myself the whole time. Even my subconscious thinks I'm pathetic. FML

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By Jen - United States - Woodland Hills

Communication breakdown

Today, my new boyfriend asked why it takes me so long to reach orgasm. I didn't have the heart to tell him that he's never even given me one. FML

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By what the fuck - United Kingdom - Northolt

Today, my boyfriend and I were about to get intimate for the first time. He said he didn't want to use a condom, and that I should just give him one of my birth control pills instead, "so we can still be just as safe". What the hell? FML

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By MadMax - United States - Nashua

Today, I rode my motorcycle to an appointment and parked in the parking garage. When I got out, some ass had pushed my bike from the spot and had boxed it in between the wall and his car. Apparently, he felt he deserved the spot more than me and didn't care if I wanted to leave. FML

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By Ian Artis - United States

Today, I walked too close to a first-aid kit sticking out of a wall at work, and it cut my arm. Laughing at the irony, I opened it to get a band aid out. It was empty. FML

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By awhmaaan - United Kingdom

Today, after suffering with bad constipation and having to eat special bread to get me to go, I have practically just pooped out a week's worth of food in 15 minutes, and I'm still going. I've passed the ring of fire stage, now I just can't feel my asshole. FML

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By gengiskarn69 - United States

Today, I thought it would be funny to sneak up on my dad while he was rummaging through his briefcase. He must have heard me, because the moment I got up close, he whirled around and yelled "BOO!" causing me to scream like a little bitch. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Cairns

Wrong place, right time

Today, a co-worker came back from his honeymoon. He passed by my office to say hi, and mentioned, "I heard you're getting married next year?" I broke up with my boyfriend yesterday. He's taking his things out of the house as I write this. FML

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By Username - France

Today, I was driving to my company picnic with 85 lbs of meat in the back seat, and 1 gallon of homemade BBQ sauce and mustard in large pans riding shotgun. As I drove down a steep hill, the BBQ sauce pan slid forward, hit the glove box and exploded in my front seat. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/8/2020 05:02

Bored

Today, I'm considering working as an escort again, to get some human closeness, have interesting conversations and feel wanted and appreciated. I'm actually in a steady relationship; I guess it’s not a very good one. FML

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By miss tomato - United States

Today, I was really badly sunburnt, so I put on some after-sun. The only type we have has glitter in it, and now I look like a sparkling tomato. FML

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By peallow - Puerto Rico - San Juan

Today, I asked my father if he was proud that I have never done drugs, never drank alcohol, never had sex, never had psychological problems, never been to the hospital for something serious, never been in a fight and maintain good grades. He told me I was a boring daughter. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, the only person to wish me a happy birthday was a survey website. I took their stupid survey out of appreciation. FML

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By good_aim - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I returned from a long business trip a day early to surprise my wife. She was sleeping, so I climbed into bed and started spooning her. Thinking I was an intruder, she simultaneously kicked me in the groin, elbowed me in the ribs, and smacked the back of her head into my jaw. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I accidentally dropped my phone while I was crossing the road. Luckily, it survived the fall. Not so luckily, an oncoming bus steamrolled it into oblivion. FML

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By NoComparison - United States

Today, I was accepted to Harvard's law program. Prestigious right? After hearing the good news the only thing my parents talked about over dinner was who they wanted to win American Idol: Adam, Kris or Danny. FML

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By sickofthisshit - United States - Oceanside

Today, I nearly got written up for "publicly humiliating" a coworker. All because I left a note in the restroom asking whoever keeps peeing all over the floor to please be considerate of other people. FML

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By knuckleheadknock

Today, my rather large boss told me how the company needs to save money, how we are going downhill fast, even suggesting that we might go bankrupt very soon. He then went on to ask me to go get him some very expensive scotch using the company credit card to, "help him cope with the stress." FML

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By faye - United States

Today, I got my license renewed and the woman behind the desk looked at me and said "guess we need to update the weight, huh?". FML

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By dog_day - United States

Today, I was asked by my mom if I could have a joint-birthday party with her dog because it would be the dog's "big 1-0." She was completely serious. FML

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By crazycat - Canada

Today, in the early hours of the morning, my cat started scratching at my legs. I got out of bed and he raced me to the stairs, tripping me. I fell all the way down and landed in cat poop. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Diego

Today, I caught my parents having sex. It wouldn't have been as mortifying if they weren't doing it in my room. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/12/2020 07:58 - United States - Redmond

Denied

Today, my girlfriend, who live 30 minutes away, asked me over late at night. When I got there, she turned me around and kicked me out because she "wasn’t feeling it." I’m 29 and still a virgin. FML

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By harry - France

Today, my brand new and very expensive laser printer does actually print 10 times faster than my old one. Except there's nothing printed on the paper. Never mind, at least it makes a cool sound. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I'd just finished cleaning the bathrooms at work when I saw a young boy go in. Of course, I thought nothing of it until I had to use the bathroom myself ten minutes later. The kid had taken a shit and missed the toilet completely. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was walking down the street, wearing nothing offensive, minding my own business, when a car drove past and threw something that hit me really hard in the back of my head. It was a Bible. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I yelled at my spouse in front of 20 guests for not coming to blow out his birthday cake candles. Turns out he was in the other room, quietly changing his disabled friend's diaper. FML

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By Anonymous - Ireland

Today, I was pouring boiling water into a cup, and I accidentally spilled it all over my hand. My mother responded by slapping me for getting water everywhere. My hand is scorched red, but thanks, I love you too, mother. FML

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By sister sister - United States - Rhinebeck

Today, after having some drinks at the club, I went home with this awesome girl. When I woke up, I thought the house looked really familiar. It belonged to my ex's younger sister. FML

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By amiezingme - United States - Swansboro

Today, my boyfriend's dream came true; he had always wanted to break a bed during sex. The bed he broke was a heirloom in my family for 150 years. The best part: he was by himself. FML

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By How? - United States - Glasford

Today, a bird crashed into my face. I didn't think that actually happened to people outside of cartoons. FML

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Top comments

By dramaelf | 37

#6360533 - Saturday 25 July 2015 7:16

No pressure, then.

By FalloutScrolls | 25

#6360543 - Saturday 25 July 2015 7:20

Sounds like real keeper to me. Totally not crazy. Nope. Not one bit.

COMMENTS

By dramaelf | 37

#6360533 - Saturday 25 July 2015 7:16

No pressure, then.

Reply

PhinIt2WinIt | 24

#6362604 - Monday 27 July 2015 3:57

she seems impatient.

By AirBusDriver | 23

#6360539 - Saturday 25 July 2015 7:18

"Check please"...

Reply

vikky538 | 28

#6360837 - Saturday 25 July 2015 14:27

For every 30 seconds

Reply

BlueXephos | 10

#6362112 - Sunday 26 July 2015 19:02

Is this from Goodness Gracious Me?

By WellThatWasRude | 27

#6360541 - Saturday 25 July 2015 7:18

That must have been a real mood-killer. Next time you perform oral on her, you should say the same thing as pay-back.

Reply

tehman117 | 21

#6360544 - Saturday 25 July 2015 7:21

Op will cut her balls off?

Reply

kurodansei | 16

#6360546 - Saturday 25 July 2015 7:21

He'll carve out her ovaries.

Reply

WellThatWasRude | 27

#6360548 - Saturday 25 July 2015 7:22

Sorry, I forgot about that part. Maybe cut off her boobs then.

Reply

TheJasonLi | 13

#6360587 - Saturday 25 July 2015 7:52

Your username fits perfectly with the FML lol

Reply

THEDUDE1553566 | 24

#6360896 - Saturday 25 July 2015 15:45

Or threaten to cut her clit off lol

Reply

Redgy22 | 26

#6361126 - Saturday 25 July 2015 20:08

Why would there even be a next time? RUN OP, RUN!!!!

Reply

burristhethird | 16

#6361324 - Saturday 25 July 2015 23:50

I swear to fucking God if you don't hurry up and cum I will strangle you with your own fillopian tubes.

By FalloutScrolls | 25

#6360543 - Saturday 25 July 2015 7:20

Sounds like real keeper to me. Totally not crazy. Nope. Not one bit.

By RitRit | 20

#6360547 - Saturday 25 July 2015 7:21

She's got quite the explosive personality.

Reply

laden_swallow09 | 34

#6360595 - Saturday 25 July 2015 8:06

Apparently, not explosive enough for him.

Reply

VoldooPed | 20

#6360615 - Saturday 25 July 2015 8:29

sounds like he's not explosive to her.

By Capitan | 15

#6360550 - Saturday 25 July 2015 7:22

Maybe she wasn't as good as she thought she was? Congratulations by the way!

Reply

Hunter_the_Ninja | 22

#6360568 - Saturday 25 July 2015 7:35

No matter how good the girl is, nobody can make a dude cum with a blowjob in 30 seconds.

Reply

keyofdestiny13 | 24

#6360703 - Saturday 25 July 2015 9:59

I can, 21

Reply

a1_z9 | 10

#6360726 - Saturday 25 July 2015 10:29

I think, more often than not, if a man comes that quickly it's more about him than the skill of the person fellating him.

Reply

VideoGameGangsta | 5

#6361484 - Sunday 26 July 2015 2:52

#47 okay then prove it

By Mcstud1y | 30

#6360551 - Saturday 25 July 2015 7:23

Still got a blowjob. Maybe you should explain good things take time. Lol good luck OP

By 1221jamw | 11

#6360553 - Saturday 25 July 2015 7:23

I don't know what to tell you I've never had this problem, OP....

By BossManBryan | 12

#6360554 - Saturday 25 July 2015 7:24

That kinda SUCKED. x)

By Rynow | 7

#6360555 - Saturday 25 July 2015 7:24

Little bit kinky