Intimacy: Today, about 30 seconds into my first blowjob, my girlfriend... - FML

By fuck - Canada - Cowansville

Today, about 30 seconds into my first blowjob, my girlfriend threatened to cut my balls off if I didn't "just fucking cum already". FML

I agree, your life sucks

31391

You deserved it

3074

Tweet

Share

Family values

Every little helps

Extreme cooking

By divingconfidence - United States - Maple Grove

Today, it was my first time at the club. I saw a really cute girl. I finally worked up the courage to ask her to dance. Before I even got within five feet of her, she looked me in the eyes and vehemently shook her head. I did a 180. My friends saw everything. They are still laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41474

You deserved it

4733

Tweet

Share

By LaLa

One nation, under rod

Today, I was fooling around with my partner after his shower. He moved my hands up to push me against the wall. Instead of hitting the wall, my hands hit the shower rod. It fell on my face and I got a bloody nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1364

You deserved it

180

Tweet

Share

By sparkynobe - Australia - Melbourne

Today, a co-worker asked me what meat we use for the drumsticks. We work in a chicken factory. This co-worker also thought that spreading out the chicken wings more evenly in the tray would increase the overall weight of the product. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3872

You deserved it

248

Tweet

Share

By MakeMyDay_27 - United States

Today, my daughter told me that my head is shaped like a kidney bean and that I'm lucky she even talks to me in public. She's 6. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43864

You deserved it

5605

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was on my way to work and someone cut me off. I then switched lanes and sped past the person as I flipped them off. What I didn't notice was that the person that cut me off was my boss. He's been shooting me dirty looks from across the room all morning. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7919

You deserved it

5709

Tweet

Share

By Crazyyyymomentsss - United States

Today, I found why exactly my clothes always seemed more stretched out after about a week of owning them. My mom steals and wears them when she goes clubbing. My mom is 46, twice my size, and gets out more than me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45905

You deserved it

3811

Tweet

Share

By fUcKOAHdSAjl - United States - Manchester

Today, my dog was riding my car's passenger seat. He clambered over onto my lap, causing me to lose control of the wheel for a few seconds. As I tried to knock him off me, I lost track of my speed, and ended up being pulled over for reckless driving. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26449

You deserved it

44276

Tweet

Share

By Brittanyy_leigh - Australia

Today, my boyfriend and I went to the beach. I though he was being really sweet by putting sunscreen on my back as I layed on my stomach. I got home later, and felt that my back was sore. Then I saw the giant penis on my back that been burnt in. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38779

You deserved it

5958

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I discovered that the wintergreen breath mints I've been taking for a week now, are actually circular, flavored, white and green laxatives. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10203

You deserved it

28351

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I had organised to go for an all day fishing trip, but had forgotten to book a day off. I called my boss and told him that I had to stay with my mum in hospital after a car crash that she had last night. He called me a liar and fired me. Turns out my mum is having an affair with my boss. FML

I agree, your life sucks

67862

You deserved it

21370

Tweet

Share

By fearofzombies - United States

Today, before I went to bed, I watched a terrifying movie with zombies. I woke up with a headache, a bloody nose, and my mom standing over me frantically asking me what was wrong. Apparently I had been "fighting the zombies off" in my sleep and had been punching myself in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50202

You deserved it

13195

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous

What was the point?

Today, four years after my husband passed away, my mother in law thought it was the right time to tell me my husband was cheating on me, and that they had met her and everything. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2715

You deserved it

88

Tweet

Share

By John W. - United States

Today, I was driving my eight year-old son to school when a guy cut me off, prompting me to yell "douche bag" as a reflex out of the window. Realizing my mistake, I turned to my son and told him to never, ever talk like that. His response was, "Too late, douche bag." FML

I agree, your life sucks

14613

You deserved it

46900

Tweet

Share

By Ahlph

Today, I made it my life goal to own a towel heater. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11084

You deserved it

28095

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at the store when I saw two extremely hot girls. I walked into their aisle and they looked at me and smiled. I stopped and pretended to look at something so I could listen to what they were saying. They started laughing and walked away. It turned out I was reading a box of tampons. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11496

You deserved it

51470

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was chatting with the girl of my dreams, a real heart-to-heart. Everything was going great, and I asked her if she'd like to get coffee together sometime. She immediately backed away and excused herself, mumbling something about not dating left-handed people. Huh? FML

I agree, your life sucks

35295

You deserved it

2678

Tweet

Share

By hockey - United Kingdom

Today, I left my new iphone in a taxi I was sharing with a friend. Apparently when I got out she looked at it, told the driver some one had left it and gave it to him. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32824

You deserved it

5457

Tweet

Share

By a fat fucking shit and proud of it - United Kingdom - Camberley

Today, it's been less than a week since I finally got a job, after over a year of searching. I just found out that there's about to be a wave of layoffs. I haven't even gotten my first paycheck, and already I'm going to lose my job. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45301

You deserved it

3761

Tweet

Share

By daenerys stromboli - Ireland - Navan

Today, my parents started fighting at a restaurant. Embarrassed, I went to the restroom to get away and stayed in there for about 15 minutes, knowing how long their fights can last. When I came back, they were gone. They'd ditched me, and left me to walk several miles back home. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44896

You deserved it

4662

Tweet

Share

By skipperpop - United States - Ames

Today, after work, I was saying goodbye to my last remaining friend I worked with because she was going to be leaving for college. My manager saw me talking and made me clock back in and work because "If you have time to talk, you have time to work." FML.

I agree, your life sucks

14530

You deserved it

1227

Tweet

Share

By nomwar - United States

Today, I went to a new bar with friends. After arriving I became extremely gassy; I planned a smooth release during the loud music. Little did I know the bar occasionally dips its music to hear the guests singing. When the music turned off all eyes turned to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46041

You deserved it

14832

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous

Today, I had to follow a diversion route home due to roadworks. It took me an hour longer than usual to get home. Too bad it turns out that the diversion was only for traffic, not people walking. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3743

You deserved it

6211

Tweet

Share

By WhatTheFaf - United Kingdom

Today, my mum yelled at me for wanting to apply to university courses that she doesn't approve of. I'm applying for Biomedical Sciences and Microbiology, she's an unemployed Jehovah's Witness. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39917

You deserved it

2957

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to the gynecologist. In the waiting room they had decorative words that spelled out "Relax" and "Enjoy". FML

I agree, your life sucks

39976

You deserved it

4061

Tweet

Share

By ugamayne - United States

Today, I had to X-ray an 81 year old lady. The clothes she was wearing would show up on the X-ray so I had to make her change into a gown. I found out the hard way that 81 year olds still go commando. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26577

You deserved it

3082

Tweet

Share

By sick - United States

Today, I went to the coffee shop for my usual morning latte before class. When I got my drink, I asked again to make sure it was soy. The barista assured me it was. It wasn't. I'm ridiculously lactose intolerant and just spent six hours throwing up because she was too lazy to correct her mistake. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46333

You deserved it

3845

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Royersford

Today, my very conservative mom met my girlfriend, who recently shaved her head in support of her best friend, who has cancer. My girlfriend looks beautiful and feminine even with her still very short hair. My mom, however, keeps insisting that I'm dating "a confused transgender". FML

I agree, your life sucks

40174

You deserved it

2656

Tweet

Share

By wtf - United States - Oxford

Today, it's been 2 weeks since I ordered a printer so I could print schoolwork, that way I don't have to sit on campus so long to print it all out. It just got delivered in Arizona today. I live in New York. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12310

You deserved it

1241

Tweet

Share

By anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend was about to sneeze. To avoid getting his new tablet wet, he chose to sneeze right into my face instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38901

You deserved it

3874

Tweet

Share

By needsnewshorts - United States - San Clemente

Today, my girlfriend was sitting on my lap at a birthday party. She thought it would be funny to fart. I came instantly. FML

I agree, your life sucks

66289

You deserved it

23525

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous

Today, to get my mind off being single, I texted some friends. The first one was going out tonight to work things out with her ex, the second told me about his amazing new girlfriend, and the third replied an hour later with, "Sorry, I was having sex when you texted me." FML

I agree, your life sucks

2004

You deserved it

220

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Pompton Plains

Today, I got home from work and found my girlfriend waiting for me in some skimpy lingerie. She ended up pushing me onto the bed, and as I lay there, expecting to be pleasured, she pulled out a pair of adult-sized footsie pajamas and dressed me in them. FML

I agree, your life sucks

64794

You deserved it

8387

Tweet

Share

By b.fritz - United States - Saint Louis

Today, I'm sitting in the emergency room because my girlfriend thought it would be funny to superglue my penis to my thigh while I was sleeping. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15622

You deserved it

1166

Tweet

Share

By wordmalfunction - United Kingdom

Today, I was preparing a dinner for some business associates, in hopes of closing the deal on a promotion. I emailed them with the menu, in case there were any allergies. Hours later, I checked the email again to find that instead of serving the Roast Duck I would be serving the Roast Fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23077

You deserved it

44689

Tweet

Share

By shouldhavecheckedthelock - United States

Today, after having not used my laptop since January because I thought it was broken, I found out that the key lock has been on the whole time. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11859

You deserved it

51846

Tweet

Share

By joy - United States

Today, while I was going to the bathroom, my engagement ring fell off into the toilet, which then automatically flushed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38346

You deserved it

4996

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, after searching for a job for over a year now, I finally got an interview. The pressure made me so nervous that I passed out in the middle of it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33240

You deserved it

5655

Tweet

Share

By illuminatzi - United States - Temple

Today, I was running late for work. I forgot my name tag and work hat at home, but my boss is pretty laid back, so I wasn't worried about it. Five minutes into my shift, the district supervisor walked in for a surprise employee inspection. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24359

You deserved it

5982

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I accidentally dropped a sculpture at college, and it broke. Some weirdo wearing a pink cape and a fake moustache bitched me out and told me not to be such an attention-seeking drama queen. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28932

You deserved it

3470

Tweet

Share

By hendrix1 - United States

Today, my boyfriend wrote me a break-up letter, using Comic Sans. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36517

You deserved it

4499

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By dramaelf | 37

#6360533 - Saturday 25 July 2015 7:16

No pressure, then.

By FalloutScrolls | 25

#6360543 - Saturday 25 July 2015 7:20

Sounds like real keeper to me. Totally not crazy. Nope. Not one bit.

COMMENTS

By dramaelf | 37

#6360533 - Saturday 25 July 2015 7:16

No pressure, then.

Reply

PhinIt2WinIt | 24

#6362604 - Monday 27 July 2015 3:57

she seems impatient.

By AirBusDriver | 23

#6360539 - Saturday 25 July 2015 7:18

"Check please"...

Reply

vikky538 | 28

#6360837 - Saturday 25 July 2015 14:27

For every 30 seconds

Reply

BlueXephos | 10

#6362112 - Sunday 26 July 2015 19:02

Is this from Goodness Gracious Me?

By WellThatWasRude | 27

#6360541 - Saturday 25 July 2015 7:18

That must have been a real mood-killer. Next time you perform oral on her, you should say the same thing as pay-back.

Reply

tehman117 | 21

#6360544 - Saturday 25 July 2015 7:21

Op will cut her balls off?

Reply

kurodansei | 16

#6360546 - Saturday 25 July 2015 7:21

He'll carve out her ovaries.

Reply

WellThatWasRude | 27

#6360548 - Saturday 25 July 2015 7:22

Sorry, I forgot about that part. Maybe cut off her boobs then.

Reply

TheJasonLi | 13

#6360587 - Saturday 25 July 2015 7:52

Your username fits perfectly with the FML lol

Reply

THEDUDE1553566 | 24

#6360896 - Saturday 25 July 2015 15:45

Or threaten to cut her clit off lol

Reply

Redgy22 | 26

#6361126 - Saturday 25 July 2015 20:08

Why would there even be a next time? RUN OP, RUN!!!!

Reply

burristhethird | 16

#6361324 - Saturday 25 July 2015 23:50

I swear to fucking God if you don't hurry up and cum I will strangle you with your own fillopian tubes.

By FalloutScrolls | 25

#6360543 - Saturday 25 July 2015 7:20

Sounds like real keeper to me. Totally not crazy. Nope. Not one bit.

By RitRit | 20

#6360547 - Saturday 25 July 2015 7:21

She's got quite the explosive personality.

Reply

laden_swallow09 | 34

#6360595 - Saturday 25 July 2015 8:06

Apparently, not explosive enough for him.

Reply

VoldooPed | 20

#6360615 - Saturday 25 July 2015 8:29

sounds like he's not explosive to her.

By Capitan | 15

#6360550 - Saturday 25 July 2015 7:22

Maybe she wasn't as good as she thought she was? Congratulations by the way!

Reply

Hunter_the_Ninja | 22

#6360568 - Saturday 25 July 2015 7:35

No matter how good the girl is, nobody can make a dude cum with a blowjob in 30 seconds.

Reply

keyofdestiny13 | 24

#6360703 - Saturday 25 July 2015 9:59

I can, 21

Reply

a1_z9 | 10

#6360726 - Saturday 25 July 2015 10:29

I think, more often than not, if a man comes that quickly it's more about him than the skill of the person fellating him.

Reply

VideoGameGangsta | 5

#6361484 - Sunday 26 July 2015 2:52

#47 okay then prove it

By Mcstud1y | 30

#6360551 - Saturday 25 July 2015 7:23

Still got a blowjob. Maybe you should explain good things take time. Lol good luck OP

By 1221jamw | 11

#6360553 - Saturday 25 July 2015 7:23

I don't know what to tell you I've never had this problem, OP....

By BossManBryan | 12

#6360554 - Saturday 25 July 2015 7:24

That kinda SUCKED. x)

By Rynow | 7

#6360555 - Saturday 25 July 2015 7:24

Little bit kinky