Today, about 30 seconds into my first blowjob, my girlfriend... - FML

By fuck - 24/7/2015 16:44 - Canada - Cowansville

Today, about 30 seconds into my first blowjob, my girlfriend threatened to cut my balls off if I didn't "just fucking cum already". FML

I agree, your life sucks

31367

You deserved it

3069

Tweet

Share

Understandable

Bad news

Non-baby fever

By DefinitelyNotDogshit - 28/8/2013 04:06 - United States - Levittown

Today, I walked into my new office for the first time after receiving the promotion I've been trying for. Someone took a dump on my desk. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49566

You deserved it

3652

Tweet

Share

By anonymous - 24/9/2011 15:22 - United States

Today, I was badly sunburnt even after making it a point to apply a lot of sunscreen. My coworkers thought it amusing to slap me every chance they get. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28272

You deserved it

4687

Tweet

Share

By Megara - 15/3/2011 05:58 - United States

Today, I was telling my dad about how I emasculated my guy friends because I can drive a stick shift while they can't. He said, "And you wonder why people think you're a lesbian." FML

I agree, your life sucks

36095

You deserved it

13124

Tweet

Share

By ... - 2/10/2012 20:55 - Canada - Airdrie

Today, I fell down the stairs and landed heavily on my foot. Because I wasn't crying, my mom refused to take me to the hospital. It took me an hour of agony to convince her. It turned out to be broken in three different places. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30085

You deserved it

1773

Tweet

Share

By Jenn P - 22/4/2012 03:15 - United States - Wichita Falls

Today, my husband drew a penis on every one of my cigarettes. It's a new pack. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9925

You deserved it

70433

Tweet

Share

By DamnHippieSoap - 29/8/2018 17:30 - United States - Estero

Today, I discovered my washcloths smelled like mushrooms. As I'm allergic to mold, I panicked and spent all day washing every towel and sheet in the house. At last, I went to take a shower and discovered that the mushroom smell was actually emanating from my $5-a-bar organic soap. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1624

You deserved it

2115

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 19/5/2013 20:33 - United States

Today, the weather was beautiful, so I decided to go out skating. I guess I took a wrong turn into a bad neighborhood, because I ended up being chased several blocks by a group of jacked-up thugs wielding baseball bats and taunting, "Skate or die, homie!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

48565

You deserved it

6368

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 4/12/2013 21:15 - Sweden - Uppsala

Today, I just about managed to convince the judge to overlook my client's emotional outbursts in the courtroom, promising that he'd be on his best behavior from now on. An hour later, he screamed "FUCK YOU!" at the judge for telling him to quiet down. I hate my job. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46405

You deserved it

4218

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 28/5/2017 20:00

Today, my boyfriend and I were finally alone and things were starting to get intimate. I was on top of him trying to be sexy, when in my excitement I giggled and called him a "silly girl" by accident. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3776

You deserved it

1716

Tweet

Share

By notmyday - 25/2/2009 23:26 - United States

Today, we were fooling around and I was just about to orgasm when she looks at my clock and says "I have to go LOST is on in 20 minutes." FML

I agree, your life sucks

69864

You deserved it

8919

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 6/1/2012 20:36 - Mexico

Today, my blanket got caught on my nose ring and it took my boyfriend over an hour to get it free. Afterwards, he admitted he was trying not to laugh because it reminded him of a bullfight. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13521

You deserved it

30796

Tweet

Share

By deadinavan - 13/10/2010 12:57 - Germany

Today, I found out the man I'm getting a ride from drives a windowless van and is "excited to see me". My friends had encouraged me to sign up for the cheap-ride program because it was less expensive than taking a train. If I never come back, look for a windowless van somewhere in Europe. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27116

You deserved it

5143

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 15/3/2015 17:54 - United States - Brandon

Today, at Walmart, I overheard a lady telling a teenage girl that the secret to keeping a guy for life is giving him anal, but that it's important to clean your "shitter" beforehand. I can't believe these kinds of sick freaks actually exist. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34937

You deserved it

9850

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 5/7/2019 02:00

Today, I realized the cute guy in my Spanish class only talks to me so he can steal my answers. He asked if I'd give him the answers for the final as well. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1503

You deserved it

210

Tweet

Share

By Geemeisters - 8/11/2015 10:03 - United Kingdom - Studley

Today, after several months desperately searching for a job and feeling pretty insecure and unimportant, I drove 15 miles to a job interview. On parking my car at the destination, I found that during my drive a spider had been making a cobweb between the car and my hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21971

You deserved it

1815

Tweet

Share

By nosebleeder - 13/2/2013 20:31 - Sweden

Today, I was terribly late for class, so I rushed to the classroom door, thinking it was unlocked. I smacked face-first into the glass, and awkwardly fell to the floor. Once I got back up, I peeked through the glass, only to realise it wasn't even my class. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31556

You deserved it

8742

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 19/6/2014 08:24 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I shouldn't have told my boss that I was interested in management. She now throws any problem she doesn't want to solve at me and either gets mad when I can't work it out or takes credit when I do. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44291

You deserved it

6578

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 15/6/2013 04:28 - Canada - Calgary

Today, my husband of 3 years learned that he's going to be a father. No, I'm not pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks

68428

You deserved it

4216

Tweet

Share

By omgitserika - 18/11/2009 15:09 - United States

Today, I thought my online boyfriend was calling me, so the first line I said was "Hey, Baby." His wife answered with, "This is Jenny. Who's this?" After speaking for thirty minutes, I found out he's married, fifty-eight, and has two kids. I'm seventeen. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15916

You deserved it

70940

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 23/7/2019 06:00 - United States

Today, as I was putting groceries away, I went to open my freezer door which randomly gets stuck by giving it a good tug, and a frozen hamburger fell on my right foot. My right foot, which is currently healing from a sprain I got a couple days ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1088

You deserved it

169

Tweet

Share

By Cantbreath94 - 13/11/2010 06:07 - Canada

Today, while at work, I got a call. They left a voicemail. It was a 7 minute voicemail of the mattress squeaking and my mom screaming my dad's name. I am going to their house for supper tonight. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37431

You deserved it

3102

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 3/8/2020 14:02

Mr. Robot

Today, our computer system has irretrievably broken down due to viruses. My boss is the one who refused to get new antivirus software, but he’s still blaming me because I’m the computer guy and should be able to protect us from stupidly complicated viruses, "like the hackers in the movies." FML

I agree, your life sucks

1532

You deserved it

106

Tweet

Share

By anonymous - 23/1/2016 01:56 - United States - Indiana

Today, my boyfriend picked his nose and tried to stick his booger up my nose, claiming that it was time to plant his "seed." FML

I agree, your life sucks

24372

You deserved it

2885

Tweet

Share

By nickyy - 29/11/2009 02:11 - United States

Today, I learned it is best not to let your cordless mouse die while secretly watching porn right when your mom walks in. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11412

You deserved it

31229

Tweet

Share

By AnAngryyGiraffe - 6/12/2016 04:46 - United States - Chatsworth

Today, after dropping my phone in the toilet, I left it dismantled outside in my backyard to dry hoping it could be saved. I forgot about the phone as well as the sprinklers that were scheduled to go off. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6564

You deserved it

3898

Tweet

Share

By Typidiot - 25/10/2017 01:37

Today, I spent ages writing a draft press release as part of a copywriting job application. I worked really hard and read it through several times before submitting. They emailed me to point out that I'd misspelled the name of the company. Twice. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1706

You deserved it

2552

Tweet

Share

By TheVagabond_SRG - 2/8/2016 06:46 - United States - Grand Prairie

Today, I started my first day at a job. First thing my manager does is ask me if I knew the fastest way to kill someone there, then told me with a straight face all of what would occur when dumping a person's head into the deep fryer. Then the psycho assigned me to the fry station. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14426

You deserved it

1054

Tweet

Share

By babygurl69 - 20/1/2009 21:38 - Canada

Today, I woke up with a hangover, but went to school anyway without showering, applying makeup, and still wearing my pajama bottoms. While taking the subway, I bumped into my ex-boyfriend who I hadn't seen a year. His new girlfriend looked at me and said, "You look... tired." FML

I agree, your life sucks

12748

You deserved it

23860

Tweet

Share

By JustSayNo - 11/8/2013 23:23 - United Kingdom - Guildford

Today, I found out why my doctor told me not to mix pain killers with alcohol when I was told that last night I tried to convince a group of teenage tourists that I was one of the nitwits from One Direction, and then got miffed when they laughed at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19206

You deserved it

39832

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 5/8/2009 15:21 - United Kingdom

Today, I learned that a spontaneous romantic gesture of arriving home early with flowers and wine is not welcome when your wife is busy having sex with your brother. FML

I agree, your life sucks

129755

You deserved it

5427

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 20/6/2020 14:02

Smash capitalism

Today, I was basically treated to, "Hey, you're laid off by the end of the month. Oh, and would you mind training your replacement? We have budget cuts, and he works for less." FML

I agree, your life sucks

1509

You deserved it

86

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 11/4/2017 08:00 - Australia - Camberwell

Today, the framed memorabilia that I spent $195 on last week came crashing to the floor. It was on my wall for less than 2 hours. The picture is torn and the glass is shattered, but at least the frame is alright. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3835

You deserved it

577

Tweet

Share

By ouchieouch - 7/1/2011 18:14 - United States

Today, I burned myself while cooking, so I asked my mom to get the burn cream while I waited in the kitchen. While I was waiting, I absentmindedly set my hand on the hot stove, earning myself a second burn. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9338

You deserved it

42692

Tweet

Share

By lonelygal69 - 19/8/2015 05:54 - United States - Stafford

Today, my husband decided he'd rather jerk off to the Wii Fit trainer than have sex with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29941

You deserved it

3744

Tweet

Share

By OTZ - 26/1/2010 11:30 - France

Today, I went on a date with the hottest guy I've ever met. He is also rich and successful, and would probably be perfect for me, if only he could stop bragging about it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30917

You deserved it

14026

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 28/6/2017 01:44

Do you have an evil twin?

Today, my wife's parents came over, insisting they saw me at the bar at 1:30 p.m., talked to me, and that I left with another woman. I was at work all day. I have no idea what they are talking about, I've never done this. My wife doesn't believe me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6809

You deserved it

347

Tweet

Share

By dontpanic - 21/9/2009 19:08 - United States

Today, my girlfriend was getting up to leave and I, trying to be romantic, got up behind her and tried to swing her back down onto the bed and kiss her simultaneously, misjudged the distance and threw her into the wall, her head then bounced off the wall and into my forehead, spraining her nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11443

You deserved it

26727

Tweet

Share

By tsardaukar - 1/4/2009 16:51 - United States

Today, bouncing at a local bar. I I.D.'d a girl with a group of people. I told her that next time she used a fake I.D., she at least should get one with a picture that looked like her. She started crying and ran off. A guy told me that she had been in a car wreck, and had been badly disfigured. FML

I agree, your life sucks

57442

You deserved it

72429

Tweet

Share

By - 28/1/2020 18:00

So romantic!

Today, I was going to propose to my girlfriend on my boat at the lake. As we were looking at the mountains all around us, she playfully pushed me off the side into the water. As I got back on the boat, I realized that not only was my cellphone dead, but the ring had fallen into the deep water. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3128

You deserved it

248

Tweet

Share

By ok cool - 13/10/2015 01:53 - United States - Fayetteville

Today, while I was in the bathroom my mom walked in and tried to have a conversation with me about my bowel movements. I'm 23, and this is a regular thing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24006

You deserved it

2860

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By dramaelf | 37

#6360533 - Saturday 25 July 2015 7:16

No pressure, then.

By FalloutScrolls | 25

#6360543 - Saturday 25 July 2015 7:20

Sounds like real keeper to me. Totally not crazy. Nope. Not one bit.

COMMENTS

By dramaelf | 37

#6360533 - Saturday 25 July 2015 7:16

No pressure, then.

Reply

PhinIt2WinIt | 24

#6362604 - Monday 27 July 2015 3:57

she seems impatient.

By AirBusDriver | 23

#6360539 - Saturday 25 July 2015 7:18

"Check please"...

Reply

vikky538 | 28

#6360837 - Saturday 25 July 2015 14:27

For every 30 seconds

Reply

BlueXephos | 10

#6362112 - Sunday 26 July 2015 19:02

Is this from Goodness Gracious Me?

By WellThatWasRude | 27

#6360541 - Saturday 25 July 2015 7:18

That must have been a real mood-killer. Next time you perform oral on her, you should say the same thing as pay-back.

Reply

tehman117 | 21

#6360544 - Saturday 25 July 2015 7:21

Op will cut her balls off?

Reply

kurodansei | 16

#6360546 - Saturday 25 July 2015 7:21

He'll carve out her ovaries.

Reply

WellThatWasRude | 27

#6360548 - Saturday 25 July 2015 7:22

Sorry, I forgot about that part. Maybe cut off her boobs then.

Reply

TheJasonLi | 13

#6360587 - Saturday 25 July 2015 7:52

Your username fits perfectly with the FML lol

Reply

THEDUDE1553566 | 24

#6360896 - Saturday 25 July 2015 15:45

Or threaten to cut her clit off lol

Reply

Redgy22 | 25

#6361126 - Saturday 25 July 2015 20:08

Why would there even be a next time? RUN OP, RUN!!!!

Reply

burristhethird | 16

#6361324 - Saturday 25 July 2015 23:50

I swear to fucking God if you don't hurry up and cum I will strangle you with your own fillopian tubes.

By FalloutScrolls | 25

#6360543 - Saturday 25 July 2015 7:20

Sounds like real keeper to me. Totally not crazy. Nope. Not one bit.

By RitRit | 20

#6360547 - Saturday 25 July 2015 7:21

She's got quite the explosive personality.

Reply

laden_swallow09 | 34

#6360595 - Saturday 25 July 2015 8:06

Apparently, not explosive enough for him.

Reply

VoldooPed | 20

#6360615 - Saturday 25 July 2015 8:29

sounds like he's not explosive to her.

By Capitan | 15

#6360550 - Saturday 25 July 2015 7:22

Maybe she wasn't as good as she thought she was? Congratulations by the way!

Reply

Hunter_the_Ninja | 22

#6360568 - Saturday 25 July 2015 7:35

No matter how good the girl is, nobody can make a dude cum with a blowjob in 30 seconds.

Reply

keyofdestiny13 | 24

#6360703 - Saturday 25 July 2015 9:59

I can, 21

Reply

a1_z9 | 10

#6360726 - Saturday 25 July 2015 10:29

I think, more often than not, if a man comes that quickly it's more about him than the skill of the person fellating him.

Reply

VideoGameGangsta | 5

#6361484 - Sunday 26 July 2015 2:52

#47 okay then prove it

By Mcstud1y | 30

#6360551 - Saturday 25 July 2015 7:23

Still got a blowjob. Maybe you should explain good things take time. Lol good luck OP

By 1221jamw | 11

#6360553 - Saturday 25 July 2015 7:23

I don't know what to tell you I've never had this problem, OP....

By BossManBryan | 12

#6360554 - Saturday 25 July 2015 7:24

That kinda SUCKED. x)

By Rynow | 7

#6360555 - Saturday 25 July 2015 7:24

Little bit kinky