Intimate moments: Self harm

Self harm

By Embarrassed - 06/12/2018 03:00

Today, I managed to give myself a blowjob and it was great. The only problem is that I got stuck between the wall and my bed while I was doing it. I had to call for help and my whole family came to see what was wrong. They all knew what I was doing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 392

You deserved it 6 229

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Same thing different taste

By pleasedie - 07/05/2015 18:00 - United States - Fort Lauderdale

Today, I took a shower with my boyfriend. I tried to be adventurous and went to give him a blowjob, only to end up slipping and head-butting him in the balls. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 040

You deserved it 6 802

Caught

By Boredom - 26/01/2009 21:09 - United States

Today, I tried to suck my own penis. Autofellatio. My mother walked in on me and I flipped backwards off the bed. ER and 10 stiches above my eyebrow later, I asked her not to ever bring it up again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 845

You deserved it 76 244

By fungettingdressed - 12/10/2010 12:57 - United States

Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, my fingers got stuck between the wall and headboard. Screaming, he thought I was enjoying the sex and kept going even harder. I have 3 broken fingers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 944

You deserved it 9 090

Lock your doors

By Anonymous - 27/05/2019 00:14

Today, I was touching myself in my room. Just as I hit the climax, my mom walked in because she heard me making noises and thought I was having a nightmare. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 477

You deserved it 764

By canucks_chick - 23/10/2011 05:45 - Canada

Today, I dislocated my jaw while giving my boyfriend a blowjob. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 658

You deserved it 21 052

By Anonymous - 30/12/2015 15:21 - Canada - Aurora

Today, my girlfriend gave me my first ever blowjob. It felt like she was skinning my dick alive with her teeth. I had to pretend to finish myself off in the bathroom and tell her it was because I didn't want her to have to swallow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 162

You deserved it 5 569

By Rumpkis - 05/12/2011 01:30 - United States

Today, I almost got a blowjob for the first time. Except I came before I even got in her mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 971

You deserved it 18 672

Come again

By Anonymous - 09/07/2009 07:35

Today, I gave my boyfriend a spontaneous blowjob while we were watching TV. After he finished, I tried to pull a sexy move I'd seen in a porno by zipping his pants back up with my teeth. His foreskin got caught in the zipper and we spent the next few hours in the emergency room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 994

You deserved it 62 531

How very dare you?

By Anonymous - 04/05/2021 02:01

Today, I caught my wife trying to give herself oral sex. It was sexy and also kinda funny, so I offered to do it to her properly. She got explosively mad for some reason and actually threw me out. I’m writing this from my brother's spare room, wondering where I went wrong. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 774

You deserved it 357

Handy

By Anonymous - 06/03/2011 18:15 - Sweden

Today, my girlfriend was giving me a handjob in the shower. As I was reaching climax, my mom walked by the bathroom door and started talking to me. My girlfriend didn't stop, and in order to distract from the situation at hand, I had to carry on the conversation with my mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 907

You deserved it 11 994

Phillycheeze 20

Thursday 6 December 2018 4:43

Well look on the bright side. At least they didn't find you with your head up your ass..

Chewy1 18

Thursday 6 December 2018 3:02

Reach for the stars , not your own ankles.

Comments

Devon Knoles 10

Wednesday 5 December 2018 4:51

You never know if you can do this, till you try. But that is hell of a feat for any man to attempt.

Chewy1 18

Thursday 6 December 2018 3:02

Reach for the stars , not your own ankles.

RichardPencil 30

Thursday 6 December 2018 3:17

That sucks.

manlove38 23

Thursday 6 December 2018 4:15

User see what you done there

blahblabbity 19

Thursday 6 December 2018 3:58

did you tell them you said “no ****” first?

fjvitt 14

Thursday 6 December 2018 3:59

Gives new meaning to “eat a dick”...

Jennifer Michelle Julietta 4

Thursday 6 December 2018 4:06

I thought it wasn't even possible. unless you're long in the right places & more flexible than anything...

Stan_The_Man 7

Thursday 6 December 2018 4:23

Congratulations bro, that’s an incredible accomplishment.

Phillycheeze 20

Thursday 6 December 2018 4:43

Well look on the bright side. At least they didn't find you with your head up your ass..

manb91uk 22

Thursday 6 December 2018 4:52

Next time, just hop onto Grindr... It's easier

PhoenixChick 26

Thursday 6 December 2018 5:04

Your parents should be proud. And think of how much money they'll save on kleenex and lotion!

Keywords

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The Top

Today, on my first day as a community support officer, a 7-foot meathead in the middle of a domestic argument told me to “piss off shorty”, and when I asked him not to swear at me, he picked me up one-handed and threw me in a builder's skip full of mud and wet cement. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 559

You deserved it 351

Today, my wife dragged me to the bathroom, promising to "show something hot." Not that I was in the mood, but okay. She took off her pants, sat on a toilet, and demanded that I tell her about my day. She wanted me to entertain her while she was taking a dump. FML

I agree, your life sucks 508

You deserved it 84

The Top

Today, the couple I've been housesitting for returned. Apparently, I kept the place too clean, and they don't believe that I actually stayed here. They're refusing to pay me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 610

You deserved it 1 657

Today, while lying in bed with my girlfriend, she was grabbing the fat on my stomach. I said to her, "Quit touching my fat!" She replied, "So don't touch you at all?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 899

You deserved it 24 992

Today, I found out that my son told my daughter at some point that "real" name for Hershey's Kisses is "blowjobs." I found this out because at kindergarten she was asked what her favorite food was. The teacher wasn't happy when she called me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 764

You deserved it 3 111

Today, a little girl at work was coloring a picture that said "Best Dad" on it. Wanting to be nice I asked her if she was making it for her dad for father's day. She looked at me with a sad face and said, "I don't have a dad..." FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 952

You deserved it 6 874

Today, after dealing with infidelity in my marriage, I found myself looking for advice. This led me to the comments section of a tabloid article talking about Kristen Stewart and Rob Pattinson. I'm a 30-year-old man taking marriage advice from a bunch of vampire-obsessed tweens. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 583

You deserved it 6 016

Today, my dog started barking very aggressively. Thinking she'd started another gruesome fight with my older dog, I jumped up from the couch, spilling my coffee all over my laptop and dress, and knocked over a vase my grandmother gave me. She was barking at her own shadow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 914

You deserved it 13 718