Love: Today, when my mother-in-law told me I was losing weight, my... - FML

By brittrod - 05/12/2011 01:13 - United States

Today, when my mother-in-law told me I was losing weight, my husband started laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 951

You deserved it 3 367

Weird reason to leave, but OK

Are you sure?

These people never learn

By BigToe - 26/04/2011 16:00 - United States

Today, I broke my toe. My mom didn't think it was necessary to take me to hospital, opting to give me some painkillers instead. They were so strong that I fell asleep for an hour during my exam. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 468

You deserved it 4 067

By school issues - 28/03/2013 14:26 - United States

Today, I found out I'm failing school. Why am I failing? Because I work 60 hours a week. Why do I work 60 hours a week? To pay for school. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 558

You deserved it 5 168

By mrteacher - 21/08/2009 22:15 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was driving to work and I had to pee really badly. I am a teacher and my school was another 20 miles so I stopped on the side of the road. About halfway through, a bus full of laughing kids went by. They were all my students. My pants were down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 167

You deserved it 47 141

I did not see that coming

By Anonymous - 23/08/2015 16:46 - United States - San Francisco

Today, at my sister's wedding, I got my 15 month-old son to 'sign' the big guest book. I gave him a pen and was hoping for a cute little squiggle or something. But no, he managed to draw something that looked uncannily like a big swastika. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 922

You deserved it 13 620

By jan420 - 09/11/2012 22:03 - Norway - Moss

Today, I paid a surprise visit to my parents, after having moved out for university last year. My room had been stripped bare and all the family photos featuring me were missing from the wall. When I asked why, my mom asked me in return why I was asking stupid questions. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 675

You deserved it 2 234

By dani0810 - 22/01/2013 11:39 - Canada - Sudbury

Today, I caught my 4 year old son yet again trying to drink out of the toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 141

You deserved it 5 472

You wish!

By Anonymous - 22/04/2012 02:22 - United States

Today, on my first day of a new factory job, I discovered that my new boss had lied to me about my hours. I found this out when my coworkers burst out laughing when I mentioned having the weekends off, and talking about my recreational plans. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 735

You deserved it 2 461

By Sugao - 10/12/2008 07:48 - France

Spicy

Today, during foreplay with my boyfriend, I put my legs around his neck. He pushed them away violently, shouting, "Bloody hell, it's prickling me!" I'd shaved the day before. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 914

You deserved it 7 579

By Son of a Bitch - 01/08/2015 17:17 - United States

Today, an hour into a family road trip, my mother informed me that she didn't put my suitcase in the car because it "didn't fit". FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 766

You deserved it 2 069

By Anonymous - 19/02/2013 15:46 - United States

Today, I got a new roommate after having a horrible relationship with the previous one. She seemed nice at first, until our first night together. She got completely wasted, spilled beer all over my bed and blew chunks into my fish tank. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 511

You deserved it 2 964

By catastrophy - 19/11/2016 09:20

Today, a guy I've been seeing called me really drunk again to talk about his and his cat's angst. He put me on speaker so I could have a meowing-conversation with his cat to soothe her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 776

You deserved it 1 309

By Bloop - 14/05/2016 00:58 - United States - Ayer

Today, my girlfriend changed our cable subscription to include MTV. This made us lose the only channel I care about: HBO. Goodbye Game of Thrones, hello Teen Mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 297

You deserved it 1 240

Always check for tits

By Anistoncole - 13/03/2021 20:01

Today, I was showing why we picked the colour in our posters and ads for my department. I used a video to explain; I hadn't watched the full video. I skipped to halfway through and there was a picture of a naked woman with starfish on her tits. Everyone kinda went silent. FML

I agree, your life sucks 246

You deserved it 1 157

By toiletgirl - 14/12/2009 23:26 - United States

Today, I was on AIM talking to a really cute guy, whom I've had a crush on for forever, when he asked me to video chat. I got so excited and immediately pressed accept, without thinking. Not until he started screaming and cursing did I realize that I was still using my laptop on the toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 926

You deserved it 63 700

By motherlover - 05/08/2014 04:40 - United States - Hoffman Estates

Today, my boyfriend laid his head on my bare chest and said, "You're like my mother." FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 205

You deserved it 4 339

Everyday sexism

By nerdywaitress - 18/10/2013 05:14 - United States - Greensboro

Spicy

Today, I started training as a bartender. My very first client told me how his wife is sleeping with her sister's husband. He then told me that all the women he knows only want sex, and asked me why "we" were like that. He could be my dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 445

You deserved it 4 991

By Itstheapocalypse - 26/11/2017 19:00

Today, while performing a therapeutic massage, I dropped my clients head, shuddered, and jumped away. Why? I watch too much Walking Dead and when I lifted her head to stretch her neck, her soft breathing sounded like a zombie. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 341

You deserved it 3 008

By Voice29 - 26/03/2009 21:11 - United States

Today, I bought my girlfriend two tickets to a Broadway show that was coming through town she really wanted to see. I couldn't attend with her due to work so she said she would take her mom. I found out later she took her ex. Now they're back together, and I paid for the date that made it happen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 179 722

You deserved it 24 790

By middleagednurse - 04/10/2017 23:37

Today, I spent 5 hours in the emergency room for what I thought was heavy bloody diarrhea. After having various implements and doctors' fingers shoved up my ass, it turns out I was only shitting out the family-sized bag of red spicy cheese curls I had eaten for lunch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 529

You deserved it 3 781

By Anonymous - 20/11/2013 03:42 - United States - Brooklyn

Spicy

Today, I learned that no matter how much of a nerd a girl claims to be, she is not ready for you to speak Klingon during sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 729

You deserved it 71 607

By AirOne - 12/11/2008 14:39 - United States

Spicy

Today, right after sex, my girlfriend apologized to the neighbor for the screaming. He thanked her for the entertainment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 558

You deserved it 10 770

By juliestrawsky - 05/08/2019 04:00

Today, I was paid to be in a commercial, playing a hiker, camping and grilling by a tent with my pretend boyfriend. To make our on-camera interaction more believable, I suggested to him, "Hey, I'm gonna feed you some food, into your mouth." His answer, "Naaah, I'm good." I got rejected on a FAKE date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 376

You deserved it 544

By Anonymous - 05/12/2015 05:44 - United States

Spicy

Today, after about a year of keeping it a secret from my girlfriend, I told her about my foot fetish. She said "EWWWWWWWW!" and left. She's ignoring my calls and has changed her relationship status to single on Facebook. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 421

You deserved it 6 495

By gdog10122 - 12/01/2013 09:52 - United States

Today, I found out that my dad, thinking it was an advertisement, threw away a letter from the college I applied to. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 132

You deserved it 2 658

By windsoffate - 09/06/2016 16:46 - United States - Portland

Today, as I was getting ready for work, I heard a noise almost like someone was puking all over the bathroom floor. When I went to check, my 14-year-old son was puking all over the bathroom floor. The toilet, however, was pristine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 581

You deserved it 943

By Pakundo - 17/01/2009 11:31 - France

Today, I went to an underwear shop, and an employee recommended me a push-up bra. I was wearing one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 011

You deserved it 2 556

By fistpumpin4life - 10/10/2010 00:51 - France

Today, at work I asked a woman how she was doing. When she replied, I didn't understand her, and instead of asking her what she said, I just replied with, "oh that's good." What she told me that I didn't understand was that her husband had just died. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 565

You deserved it 33 280

By Nurse - 31/08/2018 15:00

Today, a pregnant woman asked me to give her a demonstration on how to push when having a baby. I agreed and pushed, but I may have pushed a little too hard because I shat myself. The pregnant woman laughed and said she was hoping that would happen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 808

You deserved it 712

By mairelys - 26/01/2010 06:56 - Canada

Spicy

Today, I tried talking to my boyfriend about our sex life. I was trying to express that I feel like we don't do it enough, but he wasn't very responsive. I ended up saying, "I wish you had a bigger sex drive" to which he answered, "I wish you had bigger boobs." FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 793

You deserved it 10 104

By sucksforme - 12/09/2009 00:40 - United States

Today, I parked in front of a grocery store and took the portable GPS system off the mount on the dashboard and put it in my pocket so no one would break into my car and steal it. When I got back, the window was smashed and someone had stolen the plastic mount. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 496

You deserved it 3 506

By Anonymous - 24/07/2013 16:05 - Canada - Neustadt

Today, I went to a dance and saw a really cute guy. Glow sticks were everywhere, so trying to be cute, I took a broken one and dripped some of the glowing liquid on my chest. It made him notice me, but only for him to point out that I'd managed to cut myself and was bleeding badly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 917

You deserved it 51 897

By Ballshurt - 07/09/2009 04:57 - United States

Today, I learned that you can pierce your balls. However, sitting on a thumbtack is not the best way to find this out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 415

You deserved it 7 006

Two states of matter

By Anonymous - 15/09/2020 05:02 - Germany

Today, I learned that is it possible to be constipated and have diarrhea at the same time. You run to the toilet every half-hour, but almost nothing comes out and you feel so bloated you could burst, while eating almost nothing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 311

You deserved it 124

By Anonymous - 02/07/2012 15:45 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I went to the airport to pick up my long distance boyfriend. Having waited six months for this, I was stoked. After waiting for three hours and sending numerous messages, I was eventually informed I was a week early. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 763

You deserved it 14 233

By ....... - 23/06/2009 17:56 - United States

Today, my five year old daughter was watching cartoons on TV. Then a Barbie commercial came on. My daughter sang along with the theme song "Be who you want to be, B-A-R-B-I-E." She then turned to me and said "Mom, I want to be a hooker." FML

I agree, your life sucks 258 396

You deserved it 42 699

Nice try

By UncleRory - 16/05/2009 09:13 - United States

Today, I was shopping at a supermarket. As I was about to pay for my items, I noticed the cashier was very cute. Trying to be nice, I smiled. She smiled back and said, "Hello, how are you?" Instead of saying, "I'm good" or, "I'm okay", I said, "I'm gay". FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 238

You deserved it 25 488

By yourwifelovesme - 04/06/2019 12:00

Today, my dad was folding laundry. He came across a pair of jeans and asked who they belonged to. My mom said, “Those are definitely mine. The knees are worn out.” Thanks for that mental image mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 494

You deserved it 359

By muffinmen1022 - 20/02/2009 05:27 - United States

Today, I went to Macy's to go shopping, I was wearing a shirt and tie and dressed nicely. Customers came up to me with questions, but I just ignored them. Minutes later, thinking I was an employee, the manager came and yelled at me, and threatened to fire me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 354

You deserved it 11 796

By Fish - 07/04/2017 02:00

Today, following the advice of not putting my wallet in my back pocket, I put my wallet in my jacket's chest pocket. I lost my jacket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 510

You deserved it 1 478

By tittyboomboom - 24/03/2016 13:16 - Australia

Today, I was taking the train home from another unsuccessful job interview. As I was sitting there, I felt the urge to yawn, but before I could raise my hand to cover my mouth some guy stuck his finger in it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 872

You deserved it 2 032

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Top comments

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Monday 5 December 2011 8:39

How rude. ( full house: stephanie tanner voice )

flockz 19

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Monday 5 December 2011 8:49

sit on him and eat a double bacon cheeseburger.

Comments

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Monday 5 December 2011 8:37

I'm sorry OP..

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Monday 5 December 2011 8:51

So punish him with no sex.... For a month. That'll change him.

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Monday 5 December 2011 9:04

just keep making him all kinds of fattening dinners, and work out alot. then 3months later you'll get the last laugh ;)

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Monday 5 December 2011 9:48

10 won't work... he's already married.

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Monday 5 December 2011 8:39

How rude. ( full house: stephanie tanner voice )

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Monday 10 September 2012 12:36

I'd go with Michelle, personally

ninjuh_wingman 29

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Monday 5 December 2011 8:45

Shouldnt it be your mother-in-law laughing at you rather than your husband?

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Monday 5 December 2011 9:24

Why would she compliment OP then laugh at her?

shannonreneee 11

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Monday 5 December 2011 10:54

Not all mother-in-laws are rude to the wives. Lots have fantastic relationships.

crazy_whitechick 6

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Tuesday 6 December 2011 0:52

29- agreed

StoryOfTheYear 13

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Monday 5 December 2011 8:46

Be sure and tell your mother-in-law that she's really not very funny. Your husband was just being nice.

KunoKanashimi 3

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Monday 5 December 2011 8:52

...What? You DO realize that it was the husband that laughed at the thought of OP losing weight and the mother-in-law was the one being nice, right?

StoryOfTheYear 13

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Monday 5 December 2011 9:02

Oh no! Dear me, I guess I should've read the FML a little more thoroughly and thought it all through before posting. Good thing I didn't post it like that on purpose, otherwise your comment would be rather unnecessary.

RuCheezBurger 10

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Monday 5 December 2011 14:05

Hey does anyone here like turtles?

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Monday 5 December 2011 22:27

34- love 'em.

2dog 15

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Tuesday 6 December 2011 0:23

Me to!!!!

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Tuesday 6 December 2011 1:03

You probably

419 0

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Tuesday 6 December 2011 3:29

I like turtles.

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Monday 5 December 2011 8:46

Messed up

elliottemoose 1

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Monday 5 December 2011 8:46

Oooh damn, probs just the muscle your gaining compare to fat ;) hahaha

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Monday 5 December 2011 8:48

What a jerk . You should deprive him of sex that'll teach'em a lesson

vincentmacmanus 8

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Wednesday 7 December 2011 12:32

lol i agree hes a complete dick, but that doesnt work on everyone. xD thats more of a stereotype. like saying women should be chained to the stove, with just enough slack to reach the bedroom because those are the only two places their rib stealing gender are worth a damn. *said in tucker max voice* xD however, i do think she needs to find someone new, cause she probably doesnt deserve that.

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Monday 5 December 2011 8:48

He's just jealous.

flockz 19

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Monday 5 December 2011 8:49

sit on him and eat a double bacon cheeseburger.

Send a private message

Monday 5 December 2011 8:54

bad idea flockz, I think face sitting will only make him laugh harder when he finds she tastes like a cheeseburger

flockz 19

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Monday 5 December 2011 9:06

i meant sit on his skinny ass and suffocate him, but a cheeseburger vagina sounds rather delightful. makes me hungry.

herpitydurteedur 0

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Monday 5 December 2011 9:29

I'm straight and that would make me wanna nom some vagina XD

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Monday 5 December 2011 8:54

Wow. What an A-S-S.

Nearly

Today, it has been 7 years of me submitting FML’s. I don’t know what worse, that I’ve submitted so many of that none have never been featured. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21

You deserved it 13

Today, I spent my 25th birthday crying alone in my room with my baby, because no else seemed to care it was my birthday. My partner and I had a fight the night before and we haven’t spoken or seen each other since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59

You deserved it 17

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend has spent all morning claiming there’s nothing to do when it’s raining outside. Sex is always an option, but he’s missed all my hints, including stripping naked and kissing him, because he thought I was on my way to get a shower instead of trying to fuck him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64

You deserved it 30

Today, I found out I’m going to be a father, twice over, with two different women. Sisters, in fact. Only one of those sisters is my wife. Should I flee abroad, or walk calmly towards the firing squad straight away? FML

I agree, your life sucks 126

You deserved it 2 428