Love: Today, my friend told the cute waiter it was my birthday. He... - FML

By Hotsauce887 - United States

Today, my friend told the cute waiter it was my birthday. He brought out a dessert with a candle and put a huge sombrero on my head. Everyone at the restaurant started singing me happy birthday. I got embarrassed and put my head down. My sombrero caught on fire. FML

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BO Central

Not having a good time, really

Your cooking, dude

By elcee1987 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I took my niece to the zoo. She was crying so I pointed out the chimpanzee to distract her. At the same time, he sat down and began to jack off. My niece won't stop making the same motion. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I had to catch a coach to London at 4 in the morning. I was late so I had to take any free seat, so sat down next to a seemingly sweet old man. Within ten minutes, the sweet old man was trying to kiss me and trying to pull me on top of him. Nobody said anything. The journey was 4 hours long. FML

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By killmenow - United States - Seattle

Today, I was out shopping, when I noticed a teenage girl with a double stroller picking up a pack of condoms. I couldn't help but mutter that it was a little late for those. A guy who must have been her boyfriend then stormed over and beat the shit out of me. FML

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By stuckonrepeat - United Kingdom

Today, I received the results of the exams that I re-took in order to improve my grades. I got exactly the same grades as before in all four exams. Point for point identical. FML

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By letdown - 19/7/2020 14:01

Great timing

Today, I finally had sex with a coworker I’d been flirting with for nearly 2 and half years. The sex lasted less than 2 and a half minutes. FML

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By CrappyValentine - Netherlands

Today, I tried convincing my Valentine-hating boyfriend to send me a card, by explaining how important it is to me. He finally agreed and sent me a card. I opened it up, and it wished me 'harmony and well-being on Lupercalia'. What is Lupercalia? It's an ancient Roman festival where men run down the street naked, whipping people with goat skins to encourage fertility. FML

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By JessThompson - Canada - Hamilton

Today, after telling my young kids all about Santa, his reindeer and his sleigh, we saw him. Smoking a cigarette in the beat-up car next to ours at a red light. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I dreamt I had a secret admirer whom I met in person. She had red hair, a plus size body and a beautiful smile. This would've been great if it weren't for the fact I was a straight woman. FML

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By Kramer - Canada

Today, I found out that driving for 2 weeks on 3/4 of a tank doesn't mean my truck magically got more efficient, it means my gas gauge is broken. FML

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By uh huh sure - 9/7/2020 05:01

Subtle

Today, my mother-in-law, who isn't southern, who’s family isn’t southern, and has never even mentioned any interest in anything even remotely southern, decided to give us a baby gift: a hand-crocheted confederate flag blanket. We’re an interracial couple. I think she’s trying to tell me something. FML

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By carl_carl_ - United States - Wichita

Today, I was on a roller coaster behind a boy who vomited in front of me as the cart shot down. It splattered all over my arm, and a little on my cheek. FML

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By john doe - United States - Portland

Today, my 6-year-old daughter got mad at me for not buying her yet another expensive doll. I had to pull her away, and she started screaming for help. The next thing I know, another shopper puts me in a chokehold and calls for security, all while my daughter smirks. FML

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By Embarrassed

Today, I managed to give myself a blowjob and it was great. The only problem is that I got stuck between the wall and my bed while I was doing it. I had to call for help and my whole family came to see what was wrong. They all knew what I was doing. FML

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By Sandra - 21/1/2021 11:01

Proud dad

Today, my husband, who is proud of his 155 IQ, is depressed our son is becoming a typical football jock with an IQ only just into the triple digits. He even thinks I must have had an affair, because no way could someone as smart as him have produced such a blockhead with tattoos. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Denver

Decisions, decisions

Today my boyfriend, whom I haven't seen all summer, blew off our date to attend a local chili eating contest. FML

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By madeline9322 - Canada

Today, the lack of heating in my room has gotten to the point where I have to cuddle my clothes for the next day at night so they're not freezing when I wake up. FML

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By Yeah - United States - El Paso

Today, I got approached by a lady while eating at a fast-food restaurant who asked if I could spare five dollars. Confidently, I pulled out my wallet to show her that I had no cash, only to reveal a perfectly crisp five dollar bill that I had completely forgotten about. FML

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By drama king? - United States - Bolivar

Today, I had a friend "dump" me over Facebook. She apparently thought we were dating. I'm a gay man who's lived with his partner for 5 years. She says I have commitment issues. FML

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By TheComedyAudio

Today, I surprised my girlfriend of 3 years with Stone Sour and Korn tickets, since I knew how badly she wanted to go. She responded by asking if we could go as just friends. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found my fiancé is cheating on me. Our wedding is in 26 days and everything is already paid for. FML

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By bilol - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend that I'd be going on a trip to Europe. I assured him that I would never cheat on him with any European guys. He replied with, "Why would I be worried? You're not very pretty." FML

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By sisterly love - United States - Santa Clara

Today, my sister admitted to selling pages of my diary to my old boyfriends. FML

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By Sorrymom

Today, I had to watch as my deeply religious mother broke out in tears of joy, as she said how happy she was that I was waiting until marriage to have sex. I didn't have the heart to tell her that my fiancé and I fucked on the first date. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Canton

Today, I'm now able to put my acne cream on my face without having to look in the mirror, because I've memorized the crater and trench-filled war zone that is my acne-riddled face. FML

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By kaileekat517 - United States

Today, instead of going to a romantic dinner with my boyfriend like I'd planned, I ended up babysitting his queasy little sister. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Leandro

Today, I had to share my room with my cousin while she stayed over. I let her take my bed while I slept on the floor. Not only do my back and neck hurt, but I had to clean vomit out of my hair. Apparently, she "wasn't feeling well" last night. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that my lovely amazing boyfriend likes to pee in everything other than the toilet. This includes: Hawaiian punch jugs, the sink, empty cans/bottles and out of my window. FML

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By stupidprankster - United States

Today, I thought it would be funny to scare my dad for once, since he has scared me for fun dozens of times. It would have been funny, had he not punched me in the face. FML

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By Not Mrs Soprano - United States - Irvington

Today, my husband's recent obsession with The Sopranos since James Gandolfini died went a step further into the ridiculous, when he tried to encourage some ducks to land in our swimming pool by throwing loaves of bread into it, while bellowing at them with a 'Noo Joisey' Wise Guy accent. FML

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By wowjuststop - United States

Today, I got offered a ride to go home for the weekend. I go to college six hours away from home and haven't seen my family for almost two months. When I called my mom with the good news, she told me not to come. FML

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By Pita - United States

Today, I learned that the cute pet name my boyfriend has been calling me for the past month is actually an acronym for "pain in the a**". FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Pittsford

Today, my cat jumped on my shoulders, but stepped in my hood and choked me and when I panicked she dug her claws into my shoulders. FML

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By dontbuysamsung - United Kingdom - London

Today, my mobile phone wouldn't turn on. I took it in to the phone store, but they won't fix or replace it because the account is in my dad's name, not mine. He's abroad for the next month, and the only way to get a hold of him is on a number I only stored on my phone. FML

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By Billie - 4/2/2021 00:01 - Bulgaria

Can't win

Today, my boyfriend was tidying up around the room. I asked him if he'd like me to help, to which he responded, "No, I don't need any help," then added, "Wish you weren't so lazy." FML

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By Dirty_Mind_69 - United States - Shreveport

Today, I came home from work to my hot roommate cooking and wearing nothing but an apron. She pulled me into her room and things went great. At least, they did before I woke up in the break room with my coworkers and boss all gathered around, listening to me talking in my sleep. FML

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By Nicky13Na

Today, I hit the six-year mark for daily vomiting. All the doctor can say is that it's psychological. FML

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By rawr

Losing my mind

Today, I managed to lose a 3XL fleece jacket in my house, which had my wallet and car keys in it. I had the pleasure of explaining this to my boss when I had to call in, after everyone I called did not respond. FML

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By Photos - United States

Today, after I got home from school I went to my room to find the maid had cleaned it, also to find a bag labeled "trash" it was all the sketches and paintings I had done in art class, which is my major plan for college. FML

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By dine and DASH our friendship

Today, I served my good friend and his girlfriend at the restaurant where I work. They did a "dine and dash". FML

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By Maiar - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, my husband confessed that when he's angry with me, he uses my makeup sponge to apply his hemorrhoid cream. FML

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Top comments

By missclash | 0

#68563 - Monday 30 March 2009 1:26

smart.

By jennaleigh | 0

#68574 - Monday 30 March 2009 1:28

I look forward to hearing about your Darwin Award.

COMMENTS

By Sunako_fml | 9

#68544 - Monday 30 March 2009 1:23

Ouch..

Reply

vollyball921 | 0

#980406 - Friday 16 April 2010 16:57

HAHA nothin says happy birthday better then tht!

By missclash | 0

#68563 - Monday 30 March 2009 1:26

smart.

By Meow34 | 0

#68569 - Monday 30 March 2009 1:27

...no comment.

Reply

GrammarNazi722 | 0

#1059175 - Saturday 3 July 2010 20:03

By saying "...no comment," you are commenting. Way to go!

Reply

chetchatter | 5

#1852231 - Thursday 16 December 2010 7:53

#3.... u fail

Reply

DaDezza244 | 31

#4994420 - Tuesday 2 October 2012 4:56

#3 Oh the Irony of your comment!

By jennaleigh | 0

#68574 - Monday 30 March 2009 1:28

I look forward to hearing about your Darwin Award.

Reply

Radon210 | 1

#426785 - Saturday 25 July 2009 3:07

Agree completely

By xMooMoox | 0

#68575 - Monday 30 March 2009 1:28

I moderated this one because it was either crazy or someone put some though into it!

Lol

By pb_fml | 0

#68578 - Monday 30 March 2009 1:29

Ahaha fuego!

Double FYL, being embarassed, AND your hat catching on fire.

Hopefully the dessert was good.

By dancin303 | 0

#68582 - Monday 30 March 2009 1:30

were you okay?...i hope your hair didnt catch on fire

fyl-ouch thats embarresing

ydi-because never lean forward wiht somethng large on your head (or even with your hair down) into a table that has a flame idiot

and #3, that is a comment

By Amkii | 0

#68584 - Monday 30 March 2009 1:30

LOL!!

#4 - I love you! That comment is WIN.

By woofer_fml | 0

#68585 - Monday 30 March 2009 1:30

hey, now here's the positive side to it.

everyone knows that your the flamer of the group.

By may_cause_fail | 0

#68591 - Monday 30 March 2009 1:31

Rofl at 9.

At least you got free stuff! :D