Today, two really hot guys pulled up in a car next to mine. They...

By flattire - 30/3/2009 01:14 - Canada

Today, two really hot guys pulled up in a car next to mine. They were waving at me and pointing down, I figured they were being pigs so I flipped them off. Turns out they were trying to warn me of the flat tire I had. FML

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Transportation

Instadrama

My body, my choice

Lockdown is driving us down

By Anonymous - 30/9/2012 06:29 - Norway - Oslo

Today, I was really impressed with the man I've been in a relationship with for over 2 years. He had finally really cleaned his apartment. Everything was washed and fixed, even my stuff was cleared from open surfaces. All so his lover would not find out about me. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/8/2020 14:01

The Hulk

Today, I was diagnosed with intermittent explosive disorder, meaning that I involuntarily fly into a rage without provocation. It's only controlled by healthy eating and sleeping. I work too much to get any sleep, I don't make enough money to eat well, and my disorder limits my ability to find a job that pays more. FML

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By Me - 20/12/2010 06:22

Today, I went horseback riding with this guy I like. I asked him to help me get on the horse. I slipped, and while trying to keep my balance, I kicked him in the face. FML

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By Judiee - 28/2/2009 10:52 - United States

Today, I was introduced to my boyfriend's family at their family reunion for the first time. As I sat on the couch, his 4-year old sister comes in and jumps onto my lap. For a moment I was happy to think his sister liked me, only to hear her say "You're fat! I like fat things." FML

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By I quit - 19/11/2011 00:48 - United States

Today, MS Word kept crashing with a memory error, so I called tech support. Instead of actually fixing the problem, their tech wasted over an hour of my time defragmenting the hard drive, disabling the anti-virus, and downloading new video card drivers from some shady site, before giving up. FML

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By Random Person - 21/11/2010 05:31 - United States

Today, I was eating out at a restaurant downtown with my brother in-law when I told him I couldn't eat any more. He then told me, "You better, or you're walking home." He wasn't kidding. FML

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By -.- - 19/1/2015 01:18 - United States - Ellwood City

Today, my mother told me how long it took for her to have me. Not how long she carried me in her womb - how long it took her and my dad to have sex. FML

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By julian1 - 19/8/2015 11:34 - United States - Orlando

Today, I decided to sunbathe in my backyard in an attempt to be healthy. The result? Insect bites over my body. Somehow, despite being fully clothed the entire time, my scrotum also received several bites. FML

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By WIno - 1/9/2010 02:46 - United States

Today, I have discovered things not to do while drunk. Like shaving my legs. FML

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By GettingNone - 25/6/2009 03:05 - France

Today, my wife asked me to pop an ingrown hair near her crotch. We haven't had sex since last September. Popping her ingrown hair was the closest I've gotten to my wife's vagina in nearly nine months. FML

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By weldingmachine217 - 16/11/2015 21:47 - United States - Blanchard

Today, I went to the bowling alley. I have short, stubby fingers, and as I looked for a bowling ball that would fit my hand properly, an old man watched me searching, and approached asking, "Is that how you are with women? Fingering them, tossing them in the gutter, and looking for another?" FML

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By Anonymous - 28/8/2012 04:29 - Canada - Montreal

Today, my son, who seems to think that he is a "gangsta" despite being a white boy from the suburbs, cried because I accidentally burned his grilled cheese. He's 28. FML

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By ...loud noises...urgh... - 2/11/2011 16:39 - United Kingdom

Today, I have my first university lecture on lab safety. Having gone out the night before with my house-mates, I have the worst hangover of my life, and have to listen for an hour and a half while they loudly demonstrate the types of alarms we'll hear in different kinds of emergencies. FML

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By Sack - 10/11/2011 11:16 - United Kingdom

Today, I sat on the toilet and fell off as the broken toilet seat slid off. As I fell, I grabbed the light cord in an effort to stop myself, and pulled it out of the ceiling. Now I can't use the toilet, and have to shower in the dark. FML

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By sting - 6/12/2014 01:32 - United States - Valencia

Today, I broke a glass case containing my pet scorpions. I still can't find them. FML

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By mildver - 20/4/2009 04:51 - Costa Rica

Today, I went to a date with a girl I thought liked me. We sat down at a restaurant, ordered some food and started talking. After 30 minutes she said with a sigh of relief "THANK GOD! There's my dad. Now I can leave. Bye, thanks for the dinner." The food hadn't even arrived yet. FML

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By fird - 25/11/2017 15:00

Today, my boss made sure to do one last thing before he retired. Fire me. FML

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3937

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283

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By murphy - 2/2/2009 10:49 - United States

Today, though I'm normally unperturbed by my single-ness, I walked by some squirrels engaged in mating rituals and felt a pang of jealousy. FML

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By BrokeInLove - 30/6/2009 19:55 - France

Today, I was shopping for rings with my fiancée. We spent over 2 hours selecting the perfect ring and diamond to match. When filling out the paperwork I discovered I left my wallet at home. She had to pay the 20% down payment for the ring. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/11/2010 14:48 - United States

Today, while making love to my boyfriend, my sister called my cell phone. Not wanting to face the consequences of not answering, I had a long conversation with her. My boyfriend kept going. FML

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10222

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By stranded - 27/9/2010 05:56 - United States

Today, my friend's van ran out of gas on an expressway off-ramp. After pushing it to the shoulder, we walked to a gas station and got a can of gas. We got back to the van to find that the battery had died from leaving on the lights and hazards to avoid an accident. FML

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25589

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By bigmozwoman - 18/9/2015 02:18 - United States - Phoenix

Today, I was driving students home on my school bus. I looked up in time to see a student wipe what would be one of many boogers across the window. As I'm cleaning the window, I tell her, "This is disgusting." Her reply? "No, it's not. It's PERFECT!" FML

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21969

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By nolongerengaged - 3/2/2009 17:08 - United States

Today, my fiance told me that he no longer loves me, that he still has feelings for an ex. The wedding is off and he needs the ring back to give to the right woman. FML

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By ishoweredincorpsewater - 6/4/2018 19:00

Today, our hot water tank got replaced because all our hot water had been smelling old and musty for a month now. There was a dead seagull in the tank. FML

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By HR - 16/12/2011 21:13 - United States

Today, I had two of my wisdom teeth removed. One side of my face is completely swollen, and the other is normal. I feel like the elephant man. FML

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By Alex - 8/5/2016 19:12 - United States

Today, after spending $120 to have a bouquet of flowers delivered to my mom, she called to complain that I had forgotten about her for Mother's day, but also praise my sister for apparently receiving my flowers I sent at the door and passing them off as hers. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/1/2015 21:16 - United States - Newark

Today, as I left the supermarket, I found someone had hit my car in the parking lot. There was a note tucked under the wipers. Insurance details? Nope. It just said "Sorry dude. I fucked up. Good luck with the car." Great. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/9/2010 19:20 - United States

Today, I went to pour myself a cup of coffee and noticed our kittens were playing in the living room. Transfixed by the cuteness, I didn't notice I started pouring hot coffee on my hand and foot. FML

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By unemployedaussie - 23/6/2016 12:35 - Australia - Perth

Today, I was fired because my boss found out I had been looking for a new job. Then, I got a call from my only job prospect, saying I was overqualified and too young to work there as a waitress. FML

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14074

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By Coley - 29/1/2009 22:46 - Canada

Today, I went to the doctor to talk about my depression and low self-esteem. He told me that I shouldn't think of myself as a fat pig for being overweight. I don't think that and I'm NOT overweight. FML

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By Beard - 8/11/2016 11:14

Today, I shaved my beard that I wanted to grow for winter, into a goatee for a Skype interview. On the day, the interviewer only used audio. FML

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10218

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By arse of fire :( - 23/2/2013 00:31 - United Kingdom - Slough

Today, I was struck down with horrible diarrhea. With barely any toilet paper left, I texted my husband to buy some more and rush home. He replied, "Sorry babe, getting shitfaced with the lads. Get it? 'Shitfaced'. LOL!" and stopped replying to my desperate pleas. FML

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33993

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By Vac - 5/4/2009 14:12 - United States

Today, I went to my boyfriend's house to meet his parents. They informed me they were lawyers throughout the meal, which explained the gorgeous house. My boyfriend excitedly told them I was promoted manager at my job. They asked where I work. I work at Burger King. FML

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By carboat - 28/1/2009 09:24 - United States

Today, I woke up and I'm still in the Marine Corps. FML

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19313

You deserved it

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By wellesleybanana - 17/4/2009 18:43 - United States

Today, I finally got some sleep after an exterminator came yesterday and took care of our roach problem. I woke up and kissed my boyfriend good morning. Frowning, he told me I had something stuck on the corner of my mouth. It was a roach leg. Where is the rest of the roach? FML

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By Nylo - 29/1/2018 01:30

Today, I made my first ever chocolate fudge, which turned out really nice. I had a bite and left it on the counter with plastic wrap covering, only to come back later to find my sister's cat pissing on it. FML

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4068

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By lionhead14 - 20/5/2011 19:05 - United Kingdom

Today, I woke up needing to wee. I was at my boyfriend's and didn't want to wake him, so I sat on the edge of the toilet and peed as quietly as possible. I realised after that I'd sat too far over and had peed on the floor. There was no loo paper. FML

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By Clogged Nose - 19/3/2020 02:32

Smells like teen spirit of America

Today, I had to train a new guy whose body odor was killing me. After he'd left, I had to run two industry size fans to blow the stench out of my office. FML

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1545

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By Anonymous - 20/11/2015 14:43 - United States - Tyler

Today, I found out my fiancé is already married when his wife showed up at my door. That's about the same time she found her husband is gay, and that Ashley can be a man's name. FML

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30011

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By ihatemyjob - 3/9/2015 03:37 - United States - Ridgeland

Today, my boss found me on a dating app. He found it perfectly acceptable to message me and didn't understand why I wasn't comfortable with it. He now wants to have a meeting with me about inappropriate behavior outside of work. FML

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Top comments

By Templemind47 | 0

#69422 - Monday 30 March 2009 9:55

Not everyone are pigs. Lesson learned.

By McLaughlane | 0

#69440 - Monday 30 March 2009 10:10

Uh...yeah, YDI. :/ Don't always assume the worst, the cliche "makes an ass of u and me" exists for a reason.

COMMENTS

By f__kY_urLif__ | 0

#69412 - Monday 30 March 2009 9:50

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

agentibe | 0

#935192 - Thursday 11 March 2010 6:43

Maybe you shouldn't be such a stuck up bitch?

amen14 | 0

#966419 - Monday 22 March 2010 23:27

maybe you should chill.

amen14 | 0

#979686 - Wednesday 14 April 2010 6:56

yeah i hate bitches but im hot so ican be one (:

Zx_MaSsAcRe_xZ | 13

#6127233 - Monday 24 November 2014 20:32

@86, Your probably a physically appealing person, but according to your comment your a stuck up fucking cunt. No, beauty doesn't give you the right to be a bitch. Nothing gives you the right to be a bitch.

By Templemind47 | 0

#69422 - Monday 30 March 2009 9:55

Not everyone are pigs. Lesson learned.

schrodingersdog | 4

#3548047 - Sunday 6 November 2011 2:39

Unfortunately there are pigs. I've had guys hold balls in a sack outside their car window and shout at me to look at their balls. I've had guys whistle at me and say, "damn girl." It can be kind of scary.

MrPlopper | 9

#5157015 - Saturday 17 November 2012 4:26

*is a

Zx_MaSsAcRe_xZ | 13

#6127231 - Monday 24 November 2014 20:30

@99, although I appreciate your name, your comment makes me want to shit in your fucking cereal, because you are an overdramatic ass.

By KPACOTKA | 0

#69437 - Monday 30 March 2009 10:08

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

By lpaul49 | 0

#69439 - Monday 30 March 2009 10:09

This is what you get for being a cunt.

By McLaughlane | 0

#69440 - Monday 30 March 2009 10:10

Uh...yeah, YDI. :/ Don't always assume the worst, the cliche "makes an ass of u and me" exists for a reason.

JD134 | 24

#6335106 - Monday 29 June 2015 3:01

In this case she's just making an ass out of herself.

By lololol_fml | 0

#69445 - Monday 30 March 2009 10:14

YDI

By lpaul49 | 0

#69450 - Monday 30 March 2009 10:17

Honestly, if one more person mentions the fucking 'assume' cliche I'm going to flip a shit. It happens to people because they're morons and don't fucking think shit through. Enough said.

ThatFunnyDude | 3

#3051504 - Saturday 6 August 2011 15:50

flip a shit?

Scarshadow101 | 6

#5063103 - Saturday 20 October 2012 19:50

You seem very passionate about what you're saying. Whether you're right or not, I'm sure there's a less profane way of stating what you feel.

By genius_man16 | 0

#69452 - Monday 30 March 2009 10:18

wouldn't you be able to feel your tire going flat? I mean, it's pretty easy to feel when a tire is going down... unless i'm just a freak of nature or something... >.>

By SgtSchadenfreude | 0

#69459 - Monday 30 March 2009 10:22

Nice guys do exist, and contrary to popular belief, are actually the majority.

By Curtieeeez | 0

#69465 - Monday 30 March 2009 10:26

Thankful women, ahhh, I love 'em (:

YDI ._.