Miscellaneous: Today, I went to Walgreen's for a tub of Vaseline. The old guy...

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to Walgreen's for a tub of Vaseline. The old guy at the counter looked at me, winked, and said, "Not having too much luck with the ladies, eh?" He was right. FML

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Miscellaneous

Taking stock

Lockdown is driving us down

TMI

By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I queued up for few hours in torrential rain to see the Harry Potter premiere. After just four hours sleep and waking at 3am, I fell asleep during film and missed the whole thing. FML

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By e.middlechild - United States

Today, I finally got enough courage to ask out this girl that I've liked for a year. While we were out at lunch, she ran into her ex that she had just broken up with. They then had a long conversation about their relationship, and ended up getting back together. She was my ride home. FML

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By skanula414 - Sweden - Malm?

Today, I found out my 7-year-old daughter really did lie about my husband's "other girlfriend" as revenge for being grounded, and that he never cheated on me at all. We're well into our divorce proceedings and he won't forgive me for not believing him when he denied it. FML

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By nolongerengaged - United States

Today, my fiance told me that he no longer loves me, that he still has feelings for an ex. The wedding is off and he needs the ring back to give to the right woman. FML

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By familydisaster - United States

OK Shaggy

Today, I was fired from my job at a local family-ran restaurant. The Reason? The owner's daughter has been stealing money from the register little by little and has blamed me for all the lost money. The boss is still convinced it's me, though, because his daughter would "never tell a lie". FML

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By Grevling - Norway

Today, I found out that the guy I've been dating for the past 7 months, who insisted on keeping us a secret because it was "too soon", is proudly showing off his new 19 year old girlfriend he met a month ago. FML

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By stinker - United States

Today, my mother told me she was going out of town this weekend. I re-assured her that I would not throw a party. She replied "Oh, like you have enough friends to do that." FML

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By Cult - United States - Glenside

Today, I found out that my favorite band logo is no longer being used by said band because of copyright issues. I have this logo tattooed on my body. FML

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By skinny dipper - United States

Today, I was caught skinny dipping by the police. With the arresting officer's daughter. FML

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By mk - Canada

Today, I had a big craving for a popsicle so I went to a convenience store and bought one. On my first bite, my upper lip got stuck to it. I ripped it off and spent the next 10 minutes trying to stop the bleeding from the giant cut I'd put in my lip. It hurt too much to finish the popsicle. FML

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By dolceconfuoco - United States

Today, I have an ear infection, and everything I hear echoes inside my head. I'm an orchestra teacher, and we have our first concert next week. FML

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By screwedwoman27 - United States

Today, I told my five year old daughter that no, she could not have ice cream for breakfast. She retaliated by pooping in the living room and smearing it on the walls. My in-laws, whom I've been trying to impress for ages, are visiting today. FML

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By Entheatus - Canada

Today, I polished off the delicious iced gingerbread cookies in the pantry. I'd assumed the little flecks on them were speckles of broken icing, but as I went to throw the cookie bag away, a larva crawled out. The hundreds of flecks were moth eggs. I've been eating the cookies for three days. FML

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By jami898 - United States - Medford

Today, I passed out. I fell to the hardwood floor, cut my chin, and bit through my lip. Fortunately, my brother was there to help stop the bleeding and get me some water. All I had to do was wait until he finished his game of Call of Duty. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, my girlfriend left me. I have no clue what to do with the holiday we have booked or the ring I was going to propose to her with on Valentine's Day. FML

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By forever single, I guess - United States

Today, at college, I finally talked myself into confessing my feelings to a girl I really like. Her response was to threaten to sue me. For what, exactly? I have no goddamned idea. I just don't understand people anymore. FML

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By didntknowyoucouldbreakit - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I was fiddling around with the thermostat at my new place. For a laugh, I twisted the knob all the way to 40° celsius, when it snapped off. I don't have a clue how to fix it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my cousin and his fiancée took me to my first strip club experience. One of the strippers came over and danced for me. She pulled her thong string out and I tried to place the dollar in it with my mouth. I missed, to which she said "Put it in there, retard." FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I went to get a tattoo of my girlfriend's name to surprise her. Halfway through the tattooing, she called and broke up with me. FML

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By Maiar - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, my husband confessed that when he's angry with me, he uses my makeup sponge to apply his hemorrhoid cream. FML

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By Amy - United States

Today, I caught my boyfriend wearing yoga pants and taking pictures of his butt to post on a "Girls in yoga pants" site. He saw my expression and said, "Nah, it's cool, I hid my junk so they'll think it's a chick!" FML

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By WhyMe

Today, at work, a customer was staring at me for a long time. Hoping to break the awkwardness, I asked him what brought him to the store today. He complimented me on my friendly demeanor and then followed up with: "Since you're so friendly, how about coming in the bathroom with me and giving me a hand?" FML

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By anon - United States - Arlington

Today, I decided I would actually make use of my apartment complex's exercise equipment. My routine consisted of one mile on the treadmill, and 15 minutes on the toilet followed by 10 minutes of lying in the fetal position on my bath mat. Great core workout. FML

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By coyote - Japan

Today, I'm recovering from abdominal surgery. In addition to pain, I'm having trouble peeing and haven't pooped since Sunday, so my surgeon prescribed a laxative. Turns out I'm allergic to it. Now I'm covered in hives, even in my ears, incisions, and lady parts. I also still haven't pooped. FML

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By zinka - United States

Today, I took the bus to Boston. My bike is in Boston. My bike lock is in Boston. The key is in New York. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, a cute guy in a bar came up to me, and we started chatting. I'm a natural blonde, and he commented on how nice my hair was. He then followed this up with, "Does the carpet match the curtains?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend was throwing a birthday party and got very drunk. She needed help getting to the bathroom so I picked her up and walked her to the toilet. Assuming she needed to throw up, she instead takes a huge, monstrous crap right in front of me. I can't look at her the same ever again. FML

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By Username - Romania

Today, I was running late for school because I had a huge stomach ache. To save on time, I took a taxi. When the taxi driver hit a bump, I lost control of my bowels and shit myself. Not only do I have to wash my underwear in the sink at school now, but I had to pay the driver extra to remove the smell from his car. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, at my wedding, my brother decided it would be funny to trip me as I was walking down the aisle, in front of hundreds of people. FML

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By danny

Today, while working at a chain restaurant, I forgot to charge someone a few dollars for extra toppings on the side. My stingy boss took the time to take that money out of my paycheck. FML

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By :( - Japan - Tokyo

Today, in a public restroom, an elderly lady started bitching me out for not washing my hands. I was so intimidated that I did so under her accusing watch. I'm quite intolerant to many soaps, and I now have a horrible rash on my left hand because I was too frightened to explain. FML

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By NotYourTracy

Today, while on the bus, I started a conversation with the person next to me. After a little back and forth, she finally said, "Do you think people will stop talking to me if I say I have aids?" FML

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By apologetic - United States - Latonia

Today, I got yelled at by a customer while working at a bank call center. He was furious I apologized for a mistake that someone else had made. I again apologized for apologizing. FML

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By frankkathy - United States

Today, I saved a honey bee from drowning in our pool. It promptly stung me and died. FML

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By ari - United States

Today, I started at my new job. The woman who I'll be working right next to 40 hours a week introduced herself with, "I know what your name is. I know what you're planning, and I've been sent to destroy you." FML

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By disfordiploma - United States

Today, I found out that I'm failing this semester because I've missed too many classes. I've missed the classes because I've been having panic attacks, a symptom of my anxiety disorder. I got the anxiety disorder because I was so afraid of failing school. FML

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By notestojenn - United States - Manchester

Today, I walked into my roommate's room to ask him a question, only to see a pitcher with over a pint of urine in it sitting on his bookcase. This is at least the fifth conversation in a year I've had with him about not peeing in containers in his room. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Houston

Today, my mom started getting ready for the Rapture. FML

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By Puzzlepiece - Australia - Lakemba

Today, I spent the whole day doing a 500 piece puzzle. The last piece didn't fit. FML

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By Anonymous

Et tu, Brute?

Today, I applied for a new job as a maintenance technician. About 10 minutes after submitting my resume, I received a rejection letter. My girlfriend is their HR person. FML

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Top comments

By pb_fml | 0

#68549 - Monday 30 March 2009 1:24

Obviousy he hasn't either because he knows exactly what to do with that.

By jennaleigh | 0

#68541 - Monday 30 March 2009 1:23

This is gross, but pretty amusing.

COMMENTS

By jennaleigh | 0

#68541 - Monday 30 March 2009 1:23

This is gross, but pretty amusing.

quent10 | 0

#1065662 - Monday 5 July 2010 20:03

you shoulda said...
no ur mom asked me to buy it

pohkerfayce | 0

#1320229 - Monday 30 August 2010 4:14

maybe you should go with him.

ninjacapo | 2

#3822640 - Tuesday 3 January 2012 3:39

Haha 97 he shoulda said "nah ur moms ass is so tight we need all the lube we can get

By Effekt | 0

#68548 - Monday 30 March 2009 1:24

HAHAHAHAH

By pb_fml | 0

#68549 - Monday 30 March 2009 1:24

Obviousy he hasn't either because he knows exactly what to do with that.

nosedive1994 | 0

#980703 - Saturday 17 April 2010 1:46

true lol

nickliu1211 | 0

#1240968 - Saturday 14 August 2010 16:13

haha

Erik_Holmgren | 0

#1832394 - Sunday 12 December 2010 9:11

lol

rydin10 | 18

#5866238 - Sunday 23 February 2014 7:14

He's an old man...

By happinessNmisery | 0

#68550 - Monday 30 March 2009 1:24

people take things way too seriously, i'm sure he was just kidding.

newmxr | 0

#1729144 - Sunday 21 November 2010 1:28

agreed

im_emile | 4

#4594293 - Thursday 21 June 2012 7:31

I'm sure OP knows that, but the fact that he was right is the FML part, I'm guessing.

By zbots | 0

#68571 - Monday 30 March 2009 1:28

If you really have to lube yourself, I'm not sure an oil based one is the right way to go...

By xMooMoox | 0

#68581 - Monday 30 March 2009 1:30

Vaseline is pretty messy. I'm not a guy but I think I would prefer something else!

tpm45 | 25

#5771506 - Thursday 28 November 2013 21:20

I can assure you it's perfectly fine. Especially when you don't want to go buying "proper" stuff in public.

By rebockaa | 0

#68583 - Monday 30 March 2009 1:30

hahahaaa.
that sucks dude!

By chelseybuns | 0

#68596 - Monday 30 March 2009 1:32

Wow. Was that in public. if other people heard!!! OUCH!!!!!!
Well at least you'll always have your vaseline!!

By Synthetic42 | 0

#68604 - Monday 30 March 2009 1:35

eesh not exactly the way you hoped it would go

By rinaldy | 0

#68605 - Monday 30 March 2009 1:35

haha #2
thats really funny