Today, I went to Walgreen's for a tub of Vaseline. The old guy...

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to Walgreen's for a tub of Vaseline. The old guy at the counter looked at me, winked, and said, "Not having too much luck with the ladies, eh?" He was right. FML

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Miscellaneous

Understanding

Near the knuckle

Wise kid

By Kilania

Today, my boyfriend was talking about video games. Bored of the subject, I started kissing his neck and chest in hopes of him to stop talking and getting some action. He did stop, only for him to say about a minute later, "You're lucky my games can't do this." FML

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By Larz - Canada

Today, I woke up to a pile of hair on my floor. I looked in the mirror and realized the hair was from my head. I had a dream about cutting my hair and I guess it came true. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Seattle

Today, I pretended to be deaf to a door to door salesman. He knew sign language. FML

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By Paul - United States

Today, my boss called me into his office. After yelling and firing me, his assistant comes in telling him he had mistaken me for someone else. He did not give me my job back, as he claimed it would make an awkward work environment. FML

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By "smonds13"

Doggone It

Today, my 3-year-old pooped on the floor and blamed it on the dog. How do I know? We don't have a dog. FML

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By MAC - France

Today, like every other day, I turn up at work at the security guard's gate to show my ID badge. Except that my brother had stuck a huge "FBI" sticker on it. My co-workers now all call me Mulder. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I talked to my crush for twenty minutes at Wal-mart. Then I realized I forgot to take off my Weight Watchers meeting nametag. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was working as a paramedic when my patient's colostomy bag exploded all over me. I was covered in fecal matter, with 5 hours left on my shift. FML

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By I write sins not other people's essays - United States - King George

Today, my mom woke me up in the middle of the night to make me help my brother write an essay. I read what he wrote so far, gave him my suggestions, and went back to bed. She woke me up 30 mins later because he just sat and stared at his paper instead of fixing anything. Somehow that's my fault. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Kettering

Today, my roommate wants to kick me out because I can't afford to pay my share of the rent this month. I couldn't afford to, because I had to pay for repairs to my car after my roommate got drunk, stole my keys, and crashed it into a street light. FML

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By dogproblems - United States - Charlotte

Today, I shaved my beard in preparation for an important work conference. Now my dog won't stop growling and barking at me. FML

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By okseñoryoucrazy - United States - Tacoma

Today, I found out that my 2-year-old brother is afraid of his own penis. Whenever he doesn't have a diaper on, he screams, cries and yells, "Ew". FML

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By smellsgood - United States

Today, after finishing the laundry, I took clothes out of the dryer and took a big whiff of their delicious clean scent. That was when I noticed that my mom was watching me, and I had just smelled my dad's still-stained underwear that was on top. FML

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By a - United Kingdom

Today, I got a call saying that my son was chasing all the girls in the class with his "Sword of Death", otherwise known as my dildo. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I left my dog alone in the house for ten minutes while I took a shower. When I got out I found a mess of dust all over the floor and her ripping up a package that was supposed to be sent to my aunt. It contained my grandmother's ashes. FML

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By icarlypoop - 11/4/2020 23:00

Good impressions last

Today, I threw up on my crush's lawn. FML

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By Poopyhead - Ireland

Today, I was at a petting zoo with my boyfriend. A guy that worked there said he'd take a picture of me with a mouse on my head. He reassured me that this mouse was trained. I agreed. Once the mouse got on my head, it peed. Turns out the guy didn't work there after all. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/3/2020 09:30

I don't like to move it, move it

Today, I realized just how sedentary both my work and home lives are after I went to the doctor with a rash on my butt and he diagnosed it as bedsores from near constant sitting. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Ramon

Today, my leadership class was trying to decide who would run the kissing booth in our local carnival. Someone suggested me, to which the director replied, "We'd never make any profit with her." FML

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By lameows - United States

Today, things got heated with my boyfriend for the first time. Turns out he's even more inexperienced than I thought; when I started grinding against him, he frowned and said, "Um... why're you doing that? We've still got clothes on..." FML

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By walken away - 25/6/2020 23:00

Nice choice

Today I had the dirtiest, kinkiest, most vividly realistic sex dream of my life. I was getting it on with Christopher Walken. FML

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By letsloseweight - Korea Republic of

Today, it started raining unexpectedly. My daughter and I didn't have an umbrella, so my daughter raised one of my big flabby arms and put it over her head to protect her from the rain. It worked. FML

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By Anonymous - Sweden - Floda

Today, after nearly six weeks of seeing a nice girl, we finally decided to make it official. Two hours later, she pulled out a bridal magazine and not-so-casually asked me which wedding location I thought was the nicest. FML

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By alexander - United States - Longmont

Today, my girlfriend really needed to take a pee while we were fishing in my boat. Rather than go to shore, she decided to she could just go into a Snapple bottle. I watched as all her pee went straight onto the floor of my boat, soon realizing she had never even taken the bottle's cap off. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I spent two hours making a cake that I'd promised my class for weeks. I boarded the train to school, but soon dozed off. A few minutes later, I awoke with a start and noticed a chunk of the cake missing and a homeless man next to me with frosting around his mouth. FML

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By alone in ND

Today, it's my 25th birthday. I closed at work, not one person wished me happy birthday, no calls or letters from my family. Even my boyfriend of 3 years didn’t remember. FML

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By ice4eva

Today, I was eating pizza and I started bitching about how our campus doesn't have any healthy food choices, and that I was forced to eat this disgusting, greasy pizza. My friend then pointed out that I was standing next to the salad bar. FML

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By jelrid - United States - Holt

Today, my worst fears were realized as an insect pinged off the back of my mouth while I was singing along to the radio on my motorcycle. FML

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By Bee - Canada

Today, I was mistaken for a prostitute. Twice. While in my work uniform. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was on the subway head bobbing to my favorite track when the guy across from me gets up, punches me in the face and says, "Don't nod at my wife like that." FML

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By brerj09 - United States - Saint Paul

Today, at work, I served a group of three teens. Their tab was $75 and they tipped me nothing. They wrote a thank you on a piece of receipt paper, put it in a glass of water and used a coaster to turn the glass of water upside down on the table, spilling water everywhere. They also stole my pen. FML

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By sassman - United States

Today, I was in class. I am an older student going back for my PhD. I was kicked out of class for "sassing" my instructor for telling him he was wrong about what took place at an event I was actually present at. My instructor is a 22 year old TA. FML

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By Satan - United States

Today, I lost my phone. I tried to call it using my husband's phone, but couldn't figure out which of the three Kates in the contact list was me. Turns out, two are co-workers and one is his aunt. I was listed under Satan. FML

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By Squeak - United States - Bremerton

It means us! Look at us!

Today, at work I put myself squarely in the lame / old people category when I foolishly asked out loud what FML meant. FML

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By Thanks Honey - United States

Today, I found my husband farting on my pillows, bare ass. His only words were, "This isn't what it looks like." FML

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By momlife - Canada - Ajax

Today, I had to end a phone conversation with, "I gotta go, my daughter's eating toilet paper." FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Middlesbrough

Today, someone commented on my mother's memorial page on my blog. It said "u need too get over it bitch" and "ur mum was a wh0re". I looked up the IP address and found the comment was posted from my own wifi. The only other person who lives in my house is my girlfriend. FML

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By deargodwhy - 4/9/2020 10:03

Throwing shade

Today, my 12-year-old daughter was suspended from school for doing a book report on 50 Shades of Grey. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Milton

Today, a guy tried to carjack me. Good news: I drive a stick shift, and the idiot apparently couldn't, so I still have my car. Bad news: he was so angry, he beat the shit out of me. I had to get stitches, and now I look like I went on a date with Chris Brown. FML

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By KasSmoke - United States - Justin

Today, I was flipping out because I couldn't find my wallet, and after several hours of cussing myself out, I went downstairs to make breakfast. I poured cereal into my bowl and my wallet flopped out with the Honey Nut Cheerios. I need to stop drinking. FML

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Top comments

By pb_fml | 0

#68549 - Monday 30 March 2009 1:24

Obviousy he hasn't either because he knows exactly what to do with that.

By jennaleigh | 0

#68541 - Monday 30 March 2009 1:23

This is gross, but pretty amusing.

COMMENTS

By jennaleigh | 0

#68541 - Monday 30 March 2009 1:23

This is gross, but pretty amusing.

quent10 | 0

#1065662 - Monday 5 July 2010 20:03

you shoulda said...
no ur mom asked me to buy it

pohkerfayce | 0

#1320229 - Monday 30 August 2010 4:14

maybe you should go with him.

ninjacapo | 2

#3822640 - Tuesday 3 January 2012 3:39

Haha 97 he shoulda said "nah ur moms ass is so tight we need all the lube we can get

By Effekt | 0

#68548 - Monday 30 March 2009 1:24

HAHAHAHAH

By pb_fml | 0

#68549 - Monday 30 March 2009 1:24

Obviousy he hasn't either because he knows exactly what to do with that.

nosedive1994 | 0

#980703 - Saturday 17 April 2010 1:46

true lol

nickliu1211 | 0

#1240968 - Saturday 14 August 2010 16:13

haha

Erik_Holmgren | 0

#1832394 - Sunday 12 December 2010 9:11

lol

rydin10 | 18

#5866238 - Sunday 23 February 2014 7:14

He's an old man...

By happinessNmisery | 0

#68550 - Monday 30 March 2009 1:24

people take things way too seriously, i'm sure he was just kidding.

newmxr | 0

#1729144 - Sunday 21 November 2010 1:28

agreed

im_emile | 4

#4594293 - Thursday 21 June 2012 7:31

I'm sure OP knows that, but the fact that he was right is the FML part, I'm guessing.

By zbots | 0

#68571 - Monday 30 March 2009 1:28

If you really have to lube yourself, I'm not sure an oil based one is the right way to go...

By xMooMoox | 0

#68581 - Monday 30 March 2009 1:30

Vaseline is pretty messy. I'm not a guy but I think I would prefer something else!

tpm45 | 25

#5771506 - Thursday 28 November 2013 21:20

I can assure you it's perfectly fine. Especially when you don't want to go buying "proper" stuff in public.

By rebockaa | 0

#68583 - Monday 30 March 2009 1:30

hahahaaa.
that sucks dude!

By chelseybuns | 0

#68596 - Monday 30 March 2009 1:32

Wow. Was that in public. if other people heard!!! OUCH!!!!!!
Well at least you'll always have your vaseline!!

By Synthetic42 | 0

#68604 - Monday 30 March 2009 1:35

eesh not exactly the way you hoped it would go

By rinaldy | 0

#68605 - Monday 30 March 2009 1:35

haha #2
thats really funny