Today, I went to Walgreen's for a tub of Vaseline. The old guy...

By Anonymous - 29/3/2009 19:08 - United States

Today, I went to Walgreen's for a tub of Vaseline. The old guy at the counter looked at me, winked, and said, "Not having too much luck with the ladies, eh?" He was right. FML

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Or he's just becoming an old goober

Abuse

By SmellyCloset - 5/10/2014 21:34 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I found a decomposing hamster deep in my closet. My daughter had hidden "Peach" after accidentally killing it and said it had ran away a month ago. And I'd believed her. FML

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By ... - 27/7/2014 05:51 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I found my 6 year old daughter upstairs lying on the floor with scissors. She was giving "the carpet a haircut." FML

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By Bob smith - 19/12/2011 20:57 - Australia

Today, it was my first day working as a nightclub bartender. All through the evening, a really creepy bloke stood in a dark corner and leered at the girls on the dance floor. When I took the bouncer to one side to let him know, he told me the man was a coat stand. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/7/2012 02:08 - United States

Today, I saw a news story about how wearing flip-flops is dangerous. I scoffed at the ridiculous study and went about my business. Three hours later I accidentally ripped off my toenail. While wearing flip-flops. FML

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By "deerling" - 18/3/2019 06:00 - United States - Phoenix

Today, I accidentally farted really loud. My 4 year old Brother heard me and started crying and stopped talking to me for a whole hour. Now he tells everyone about that time his sister farted. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/10/2013 19:07 - United Kingdom

Today, my dad came into my room, looked at my laptop, and said he could hear the porn I was watching all the way from his room. I wasn't watching porn. We soon realised it was actually coming from his mobile phone. FML

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By unfortunate - 25/4/2012 04:50 - Sweden

Today, I was so lonely that I had a conversation with myself on my way home. It was only when I reached my apartment complex that I discovered that my neighbour had been walking behind me, laughing to himself the whole way. FML

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By johnnyfuckfacer - 18/10/2012 19:40 - Canada - Concord

Today, I walked into work, after having given my boss a weather prediction last week, so he could decide on which day to open a new company division. I was immediately taken aside and written up for "providing false information, adversley impacting morale". FML

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By lindsey789 - 7/10/2010 04:21 - United States

Today, I was sitting in my room watching TV when I heard my mother obnoxiously yelling for the dog. Minutes later she stomped into my room, swatted me over the head, and yelled at me for not answering when she called. She actually got my name mixed up with the dog's. FML

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By davy0540 - 30/11/2014 06:09 - United States

Today, my wife and I drove two hours from our rural town to buy a new sofa. When we got home, it took us an hour to figure out there was no way to fit it through our door. We made the two hour drive back to return it, only to find the store was closed. FML

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By boringhusband - 8/5/2016 14:29 - United States - Salisbury

Today, while at dinner with my wife, she asked me what was on my mind as I stared blankly at the window. "Nothing" was interpreted as, "We are boring, and can't stand each other." FML

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By Anonymous - 5/9/2014 21:37 - Sweden - Ume

Today, I tried to pull the old "bucket of water above the door" prank on my brother, but the bucket didn't fall when he opened the door. He noticed it, took it down, then pinned me to the floor and waterboarded me with the ice-cold water. FML

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By theflasher - 13/8/2015 21:10 - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, a woman who works in the clinic across the road told me that my glass isn't frosted enough and she and all her patients can see me when I shower. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/10/2011 08:29 - Reserved

Today, I walked in on my flatmate squatting over the bathroom scales, completely naked. When I asked what he was doing, he replied very seriously, "weighing my testicles, you should try it sometime, if they're too heavy you may have cancer". I'm a girl. FML

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By Weter - 30/1/2009 11:30 - United States

Today, I fell flat on my ass while running for the subway. Made it on only to find out that it was standing by for ten minutes. I then got to ride all the way to work with a train full of people who watched me fall. FML

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By Groom - 30/11/2008 10:51 - France

Today, I had an important interview. On the way there, I stopped in front of a car window to look at my reflection, checking I didn't have salad stuck between my teeth. Having pulled several faces, I realised that there were two girls inside the car, cracking up with laughter. FML

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By deflated - 9/8/2009 16:54 - Ireland

Today, as my girlfriend was dropping me home, our goodbye kiss got kind of heavy. Still parked in my drive, we had fast, frenzied sex. After, we realised that she had never put the hand brake on and that we had rolled down my drive, blocking my dad who was patiently waiting to pull in. FML

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By boredtothemax - 17/2/2016 19:17 - United States - Hammond

Today, I gave a talk in my management class about creating effective presentations and holding people's attention. Go figure, pretty much nobody paid any attention. FML

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By CandyCrushAddict - 21/9/2013 15:09 - United States - Wilson

Today, while having sex with my wife, my Candy Crush addiction hit me full force, and all I could do was think about possible moves I could make in the level I'm stuck on. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/4/2011 05:11 - United States

Today, I brought my own thermos of coffee on the train with me, the kind that flips open to uncover the mouth part. I take a few swigs and notice a cute boy nervously smiling at me. Suddenly, I feel something drip down my nose. The flip part was leaving drops of coffee all over my forehead. FML

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By donotbelieveinsecondchances - 2/3/2015 14:04 - Netherlands - Capelle Aan Den Ijssel

Today, my ex gave me a heartwarming speech about how much he wanted me back. After talking for hours and me finally wanting to get back together too, he started mentioning a date he has with a cute colleague. Conclusion: he wants to get back together, but still be able to fuck the entire world. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/1/2010 00:57 - Australia

Today, my father decided to tell me in detail when and how he lost his virginity. He even told me what position it was and who this girl was. I will never look at him in the same way again. He also made his hands "have sex". FML

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By bellaellaella - 22/9/2009 18:10 - United States

Today, after months of enduring my neighbors relentlessly yapping schnauzer, Molly, I moved into a new building. I was greeted by my new neighbor and her yapping rat terrier, Molly. FML

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By Malakai - 23/10/2018 22:00

Today, after taking a massive shit, I flushed the toilet and it clogged. It flooded to the brim and the shit came rising to the top. I didn't know what to do so I grabbed some toilet paper and picked it up, ran to my balcony, and launched it. It landed on my neighbor's car. FML

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By anon - 19/6/2009 16:53 - United States

Today, I took my dog for a walk. It became friendly with another dog, and I reached down to pet them both. Suddenly, an old woman runs up to me and whacks me with her cane repeatedly. Apparently, her previous dog had been kidnapped by a woman who looked a lot like me. FML

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By tiredofthis - 10/10/2012 17:38 - United States - Jefferson City

Today, my roommate set her extremely loud alarm clock for 5am and continued to hit the snooze button every ten minutes until 7:30. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/10/2013 05:51 - United States - Orlando

Today, I realized I can't wait until my daughter moves out the house when she is 18. She is eight. FML

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By Nakdnathan - 16/9/2009 16:19 - United States

Today, I got written up for not making a drink right. While getting yelled at by my boss, my co-worker made the drink the same exact way I made it. I pointed it out. My boss responded with, "He is allowed to because I like him, I don't like you." FML

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By badeats - 22/6/2009 05:43 - United States

Today, I visited my grandma. She offered me some chips in ziploc bag. I thought they were sour cream and onion chips from the look. They tasted funny, but I didn't want to be rude and I kept eating. I looked closer after a while and noticed that what I thought were chives was actually mold. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/6/2009 13:05 - United States

Today, I was installing the official 3.0 firmware update for my iPhone. Apple's authentication servers crashed. I now own an iBrick. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/5/2017 16:00

Today, while I was eating spicy wings, I suddenly sneezed. I was sitting in front of a fan and effectively maced myself when my spicy sneeze blew back into my face and eyes. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/2/2013 07:14 - United States - Fort Collins

Today, after having lost my phone three days ago, I paid a $150 non-refundable fee to have my phone replaced and mailed to me by Tuesday. A half hour later, I found my original phone. FML

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By tumblrinas_at_work - 2/5/2015 08:04 - United States - Woodland Hills

Today, I had to go to a boring, never-ending "sensitivity training" session, all because my douchebag coworker filed a complaint against me last week after I apologized for being tardy. Apparently I was insulting people with mental disorders. Or as she put it, "differently-abled" people. FML

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By anonymous - 4/12/2010 12:03 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend and I were arguing about how he was too busy for me. During that conversation, he was texting his best friend and then called by his brother to drive him home. Instead of returning to finish our conversation, he left to prepare for his fishing trip with his mates tomorrow. FML

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By dani911 - 15/7/2009 01:16 - United States

Today, I noticed a car following me all the way to my house. It was dark so I got really nervous and called the police. The person got out of the car. It was my mom. FML

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By SherryBaby - 29/12/2010 07:41 - United States

Today, I got a phone call from my cheating ex asking if I would go out with him that night. After 3 years of no contact, I decided to give him another chance and gave him my address for his GPS. I was then told that I lived too far and he didn't want to drive. He cancelled. I live 15 minutes away. FML

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By Mervin22 - 29/1/2011 04:10 - Australia

Today, I broke my arm. When I got home from the doctors with my cast, I fell asleep on the couch from the medicine. When I woke up, there were swastikas, "I love the KKK", and multiple penises written all over my cast. My dad thought it would be funny. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/12/2018 04:00

Today, my husband left his cellphone unlocked so I decided to go through it. I found 10 texts threads from 10 different women, one of them from my 18 year old sister who was sending him nude pictures. FML

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By dumbbass - 24/2/2010 19:43 - Canada

Today, I spilled a glass of iced tea all over my desk. It trickled down the wall and fried an extension cord. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/11/2014 18:30 - United States - San Francisco

Today, army recruiters came to my school and set up some punching bags to attract potential recruits. I gave it a shot, managing to set the highest score at my school and fracture my wrist at the same time. FML

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Top comments

By pb_fml | 0

#68549 - Monday 30 March 2009 1:24

Obviousy he hasn't either because he knows exactly what to do with that.

By jennaleigh | 0

#68541 - Monday 30 March 2009 1:23

This is gross, but pretty amusing.

COMMENTS

By jennaleigh | 0

#68541 - Monday 30 March 2009 1:23

This is gross, but pretty amusing.

quent10 | 0

#1065662 - Monday 5 July 2010 20:03

you shoulda said...
no ur mom asked me to buy it

pohkerfayce | 0

#1320229 - Monday 30 August 2010 4:14

maybe you should go with him.

ninjacapo | 2

#3822640 - Tuesday 3 January 2012 3:39

Haha 97 he shoulda said "nah ur moms ass is so tight we need all the lube we can get

By Effekt | 0

#68548 - Monday 30 March 2009 1:24

HAHAHAHAH

By pb_fml | 0

#68549 - Monday 30 March 2009 1:24

Obviousy he hasn't either because he knows exactly what to do with that.

nosedive1994 | 0

#980703 - Saturday 17 April 2010 1:46

true lol

nickliu1211 | 0

#1240968 - Saturday 14 August 2010 16:13

haha

Erik_Holmgren | 0

#1832394 - Sunday 12 December 2010 9:11

lol

rydin10 | 18

#5866238 - Sunday 23 February 2014 7:14

He's an old man...

By happinessNmisery | 0

#68550 - Monday 30 March 2009 1:24

people take things way too seriously, i'm sure he was just kidding.

newmxr | 0

#1729144 - Sunday 21 November 2010 1:28

agreed

im_emile | 4

#4594293 - Thursday 21 June 2012 7:31

I'm sure OP knows that, but the fact that he was right is the FML part, I'm guessing.

By zbots | 0

#68571 - Monday 30 March 2009 1:28

If you really have to lube yourself, I'm not sure an oil based one is the right way to go...

By xMooMoox | 0

#68581 - Monday 30 March 2009 1:30

Vaseline is pretty messy. I'm not a guy but I think I would prefer something else!

tpm45 | 25

#5771506 - Thursday 28 November 2013 21:20

I can assure you it's perfectly fine. Especially when you don't want to go buying "proper" stuff in public.

By rebockaa | 0

#68583 - Monday 30 March 2009 1:30

hahahaaa.
that sucks dude!

By chelseybuns | 0

#68596 - Monday 30 March 2009 1:32

Wow. Was that in public. if other people heard!!! OUCH!!!!!!
Well at least you'll always have your vaseline!!

By Synthetic42 | 0

#68604 - Monday 30 March 2009 1:35

eesh not exactly the way you hoped it would go

By rinaldy | 0

#68605 - Monday 30 March 2009 1:35

haha #2
thats really funny