All the FMLs

By waitress - 12/04/2009 02:07 - United States

Today, I was waitressing when a man sat at my table with soda from somewhere else. Drinks are half the profit for restaurants. There is a strict policy that you have to charge for carry-in drinks. I told him this, he yelled at me so I told him I was doing my job. I got fired, for doing my job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 664

You deserved it 4 283

By Anonymous - 12/04/2009 01:42 - United States

Today, I got a haircut for the first time in almost a year. I thought it looked really nice and made me look good. On my way to CVS, I ran into one of my friends. He examined me and said, "You look... like a crack whore." FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 535

You deserved it 5 547

By whoops - 11/04/2009 20:43 - United States

Today, I was on my way home from work and decided to stop at the grocery store. I purchased $200 in groceries and went to put them in my car. I then realized I drove my motorcycle today. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 426

You deserved it 88 802

The name of that old man?

By thisblows - 11/04/2009 20:42 - United States

Today, I was at a professional hockey game. I wasn't paying attention and a puck was shot into the stands and hit me in the face. My mouth was bleeding and I lost two teeth. As I was trying to cough up my teeth the old man next to me shoved me over and stole the puck. Everyone cheered. FML

I agree, your life sucks 73 204

You deserved it 5 582

By hedgehog5 - 11/04/2009 19:14 - United States

Today, I found out my blood type is B. My parents are type A and type O. It's not genetically possible to be blood type B if your parents are A and O. This means I am either an adoptee, a mutant, or an illegitimate child. FML

I agree, your life sucks 186 943

You deserved it 9 857

By effingawwesome - 11/04/2009 18:52 - United States

Today, I was surfing and trying to impress some girls on the beach. While I was out in the water, a jellyfish wrapped itself around my torso. I started to yell and freak out, making a huge scene. I grabbed it off of me, only to realize that I was freaking out over a plastic grocery bag. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 622

You deserved it 56 637

By bdawg923 - 11/04/2009 18:41 - United States

Today, at work, I noticed a spider on a female co-worker's shirt. I gently brushed it off. She accused me of sexual harassment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 369

You deserved it 17 006

bdawg923 tells us more.

bdawg923 0

Sunday 12 April 2009 2:01

The spider was on her shoulder to those who asked.

By RainyDay - 11/04/2009 18:38 - United States

Today, My friend and I were stopped at a red light while it was pouring rain. We heard a screeching noise off in the distance and thought, "Hope someone doesn't get hit." Someone did get hit. We did. From behind. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 349

You deserved it 3 526

By Anonymous - 11/04/2009 18:38 - United States

Today, my boyfriend, and best friend, had baked a cake, and wouldnt tell anyone who it was for. When I asked he said I'd know soon. He met me after class to break up with me and offered me the cake to make me feel better. FML

I agree, your life sucks 70 210

You deserved it 3 589

Voice of an angel

By awesome - 11/04/2009 17:36 - United States

Today, I was sitting at my computer, listening and singing along to some music. I started singing louder, thinking that I was pretty good. Just then, my mom comes barging through the door in a frenzy saying, "Are you all right? Are you hurt?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 059

You deserved it 14 772

By Anonymous - 11/04/2009 16:13 - United States

Today, my Dad called me to tell me that he had finally won the lottery and that I no longer had to worry about trying to find a way to pay for school. I was so excited I started crying. He then told me that he won $5 on a scratch off lotto ticket. He bought a sandwich. Funny dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 477

You deserved it 9 169

In and out

By newhostess - 11/04/2009 16:12 - United States

Today, I was training for my new job at a restaurant. As part of training, they give you free food so you know what to recommend, and the dish I got was really good. Eight hours later I saw it again while I was puking. I got food poisoning from my own workplace. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 037

You deserved it 3 425

By Anonymous - 11/04/2009 15:47 - United States

Today, my girlfriend got the breast implants she's been wanting for the last 5 years. When I went to pick her up at the hospital she said, "Maybe I can find a guy with a real job now!" I paid for her fake tits. FML

I agree, your life sucks 69 055

You deserved it 21 549

By anonymous - 11/04/2009 13:23 - United States

Today, as I was walking into CVS, two older men outside said to me "Young lady, please consider us on your way out." Thinking they were hitting on me, I rolled my eyes and said "Screw you." When I walked back outside, I realized they were asking for AIDS donations. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 535

You deserved it 86 260

By canabana - 11/04/2009 08:42 - Canada

Today, I spent 3 hours trying to close a simple $400 deal with a homeowner. He spent 3 hours telling me about his life story including his marital problems, his philosophical views of the world, AND he read me 20 pages of haiku poems. Only 3 hours later did he tell me he couldn't accept my deal. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 120

You deserved it 6 228

By Anonymous - 11/04/2009 08:07 - Canada

Today, I went to Britney's concert. About halfway through the show, the person next to me turns to me and asks, "Can you do me a favour?" Thinking that she wanted me to look after her stuff, I said sure. Her next sentence was: "Can you stop singing?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 088

You deserved it 44 265

Give me strength

By GotPunched - 11/04/2009 06:36 - Finland

Today, my girlfriend's friend told her she had seen me shopping with a cute girl. When I came back home, my girlfriend punched me in the face and asked who the girl was. Apparently her friend didn't tell her the "cute girl" was my three year-old niece. I lost a tooth from the punch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 98 739

You deserved it 5 616

By ripped - 11/04/2009 06:10 - Canada

Today, I saw a dime on the ground. When I bent down to pick it up, my $80 dollar pants ripped. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 251

You deserved it 63 929

On time

By Anonymous - 11/04/2009 05:40 - Canada

Today, I was walking towards the bus. The bus was scheduled to leave at 3:20, and it was 3:19 so I decided to run for it. As the doors were closing, I managed to just slip my hand into the door, so it didn't fully close. The bus driver saw this, looked at my face, and then drove away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 381

You deserved it 5 299

By masterdisaster - 11/04/2009 04:07 - United States

Today, one of our regular customers came in and was telling me he bought an assault rifle. I told him not to go off his meds and shoot up the store, as a joke. Later, my manager told me that the guy is on antidepressants and was discharged from the military for being "mentally unfit." FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 887

You deserved it 19 565

By Anonymous - 11/04/2009 03:40 - United States

Today, I finally decided to get a dog. I have always been wanting to get one ever since I was a child. I bought a $1,400 Golden Retriever. I went out for lunch a few hours later with a friend, so I left my dog in the backyard. I came back home to a broken fence and no dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 869

You deserved it 64 654

Shitshow

By emie0209 - 11/04/2009 03:40 - United States

Today, my friend and I were driving to Florida from Michigan. While going through Ohio my car hydroplaned over a puddle on the highway. I ended up hitting the median and my car got wrecked. Not only am I stuck in Ohio with a car that won't work, I got a ticket for $300 for hitting Ohio property. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 587

You deserved it 6 539

By NotRetarded - 11/04/2009 02:37 - United States

Today, I went to a friend's sweet sixteen. Since I didn't know any else at the party I was really happy when the mother told me she sat me next to someone she thought I would have a lot in common with. He ended up being mentally challenged and talked to a sock puppet the whole party. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 151

You deserved it 3 870

By bastardddd - 11/04/2009 01:47 - United States

Today, I was in class finishing up an assignment when the guy next to me, my crush, said "I really love your hair." I started to blush then I turned towards him and said thanks, at the same time as the girl he was actually talking to. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 533

You deserved it 6 405

Nice to see you

By JeezyCherieze - 11/04/2009 01:10 - United States

Today, my father, who I rarely see, drove 400 miles to my wedding. I was so happy to see him, until he got completely trashed at my reception, asked me where he could "score some weed" and told me what a bitch my mom was, and how I needed to lose weight. For over an hour. At my wedding. FML

I agree, your life sucks 81 462

You deserved it 4 073

By Bob - 11/04/2009 00:37 - United States

Today, I finally bought the toy my two year-old son always wanted. He would always tap on the TV when the commercial for it would appear. I gave him the gift, and he started playing with the bag it came in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 816

You deserved it 9 824

By Anonymous - 10/04/2009 21:40 - United States

Today, for the first time ever, a woman saw my penis. I am 30 years old. The woman was my doctor. She snorted to cover a laugh and apologized. FML

I agree, your life sucks 313 910

You deserved it 44 097

By yum. - 10/04/2009 21:39 - United States

Today, I went out to eat with some friends. They picked a table that wasn't big enough for all of us. I had to sit in the booth behind them. Alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 75 446

You deserved it 4 749

Sorry sweaty

By boyfriendless - 10/04/2009 21:07 - United States

Today, I was babysitting a five year-old boy. Somehow the topic of relationships came up, and he asked me if I had a boyfriend. When I told him that I was single, he got all excited and asked if he could be my boyfriend. It would have been cute… except he was the first guy to ever ask me out. I'm 18. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 906

You deserved it 6 214

By ellarose - 10/04/2009 18:46 - United States

Today, I walked over to join a group of friends and heard them talking about how hot some guy was but how ugly his sister was. I asked who they were talking about and there was an awkward silence, they hadn't realized I was there. Apparently, they were talking about my brother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 958

You deserved it 3 272

FML on Facebook

Keywords

Miscellaneous Stalker My ex Coworkers Love Internet Relatable AITA Pokémon Awkward Work Parenting Kids Annoying Shopping Underwear Jealousy Parents Thief Suspicious Sex Intimacy Family NSFW Birthday Gifts I need your advice Accident Abuse Moving home

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Today, I threatened my kids I’d turn off their WiFi unless they did their chores, so my eldest chimed in, "Please, we changed the WiFi password months ago in case you tried to threaten us like this," then turned off my WiFi, which I need to work from home. I had to beg a 12-year-old to let me work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 839

You deserved it 2 398

Today, I was at work talking to an older man. As our conversation ended, he said, "Thank you, ma'am." Then, he quickly stumbled over his words as he said, "I mean, thank you, sir. I meant sir. I think." He gazed at me for a moment in confusion, then darted away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 201

You deserved it 6 733

Today, I’m an adult and my mother lives with me, not me with her. She found out I was going to be gone for 9 days on vacation and that she couldn’t come, so she had a “mental break down” and checked herself into a psych ward. Last year, she did the same thing when I graduated college and celebrated it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 730

You deserved it 111

Today, a woman came up to me at a restaurant and asked if her autistic son could borrow my headphones. I agreed, but when they were leaving and I asked for them back, she accused me of trying to steal MY headphones that she BORROWED from me. If not for other people backing me up, I would have lost them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 712

You deserved it 171

Today, I was expected by my supervisor to drive out to one of our office's server locations. My car was dead and I couldn't go unless he gave me a ride, as he's the only coworker local to me; he couldn't because he's on vacation. I sent him a video of my car failing to crank. He responded, "You need to be more mobile." FML

I agree, your life sucks 454

You deserved it 156

Today, at work, I had a customer accuse me of taking the giftcard I had issued her for her return, after spending 15 minutes trying to fix her screwed up transaction. She began to yell, and follow me around the store. Security had to intervene and I had to be locked in an office until she left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 574

You deserved it 2 741