Today, I explained to my 5 year old daughter that her older sister from my husband's first marriage lives with her mommy, and my daughter lives with us. She exclaimed, "It's not fair! I want two mommies like she has! Can we swap, I like her mommy better than you anyway!" FML

by stepmom / 06/18/2011 at 5:40am / Australia (Victoria) / Kids

Today, my marriage counselor got divorced. FML

by screwed / 06/18/2011 at 4:51am / United States / Love

Today, I was about to make love to my girlfriend at the local park when a cop caught us. I had to give him our information and hold a conversation with "Fire and Ice" lubricant on my penis. FML

by Khrixas_069 / 06/18/2011 at 3:10am / United States (California) / Intimacy

Iamnotmyself's comment : Looks like this conversation wasn't too "hot" or too "cool"

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Today, I got some really bad mosquito bites on the outside of my thighs. They itched, and my jeans prevented me from scratching them, so I unbuttoned my pants, stuck my down my leg and started scratching. My mom walked in, and won't believe I wasn't masturbating. FML

by callie / 06/18/2011 at 2:08am / United States (Louisiana) / Intimacy

BShady96's comment : well it does count as selfpleasuring...

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Today, I was holding my drunken friend's hair while she threw up in the toilet at a party. She said, crying, "Y'don't have to do this..." I told her that that's what friends are for. She replied, "Yeah, but I did sleep with your boyfriend..." FML

by Inconnu / 06/18/2011 at 1:13am / France / Miscellaneous

NikkiFlysKites's comment : That's when you shove her head into the toilet.

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Today, I got in my sister's car outside the movie theater and started talking about the movie. When I realized she wasn't saying anything, I looked up to see my ex-boyfriend sitting in the drivers seat. I got in the wrong car. FML

by sucks4me / 06/18/2011 at 12:45am / United States (Kentucky) / Miscellaneous

Today, I'm sat at home alone on a Friday night, watching a documentary online about decomposing elephants. FML

by Anonymous / 06/17/2011 at 9:26pm / Israel / Miscellaneous

Today, my girlfriend bought several packs of bottled water, even though we have pure mountain water on tap. She did this because the pile-up of unwashed dishes in the sink makes it virtually impossible to slide a glass under the tap. FML

by Anonyme / 06/17/2011 at 9:25pm / Switzerland (Fribourg) / Love

Today, I realized that I text my boyfriend more than I see him. He's my next door neighbor. FML

by Emily J. / 06/17/2011 at 8:31pm / United States (Colorado) / Love

Today, my boyfriend told me why he stood me up last night instead of coming over to visit. Apparently me telling him I couldn't wait for him to do naughty things to me turned him off, and made him feel like a piece of meat. FML

by Willow / 06/17/2011 at 7:32pm / United States / Intimacy

Today, I made the long drive to work, got out of the car, and realised that I'd forgotten to put shoes on before I left the house. FML

by Hannah / 06/17/2011 at 5:24pm / Ireland (Sligo) / Miscellaneous

Today, I woke up early to prepare for my graduation party. I'd invited the entire graduating class of 2011, and tons of people confirmed that they were going to come. Two hours after the time I'd told everyone to show up, I'm still the only one here. FML

by Anonymous / 06/17/2011 at 5:14pm / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous

Today, I have an eight hour transatlantic flight and the person sitting next to me has already filled his third sick bag. This wouldn't be quite so bad were we not still at the terminal with passengers still boarding the plane. FML

by ajdown / 06/17/2011 at 4:23pm / United Kingdom (London) / Transportation