Today, I tried to suck my own penis. Autofellatio. My mother walked in on me and I flipped backwards off the bed. ER and 10 stiches above my eyebrow later, I asked her not to ever bring it up again. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I was masturbating on my inflatable air mattress that squeaks when you move. Suddenly, my mom burst into my room to ask if I was okay because she thought the squeaking was me crying. I ripped my hands from my pants and turned on my side; she walked over and grabbed my hands to console me. FML
Today, my mom caught me talking to my penis. FML
Today, I managed to give myself a blowjob and it was great. The only problem is that I got stuck between the wall and my bed while I was doing it. I had to call for help and my whole family came to see what was wrong. They all knew what I was doing. FML
Today, my mother caught me masturbating. Trying to defuse the awkward tension, I said "Oh, I was just thinking about you!" Not a good idea. FML
Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. I was about to suck his dick when my mom walked in. FML
Today, I masturbated so hard I got a cramp in my forearm muscle so unexpectedly that my hand spasmed, slipped off my penis, and I punched myself in the face. FML
Today, I went to the doctor because I broke my wrist. My mom told the nurse that I broke it while masturbating. FML
Today, I got so bored that I drew a face on my index finger, and made a video of me garrotting it with a string. I ended up rupturing a blood vessel, and had to think up a cover story for my girlfriend to explain my screaming. FML
Today, I had to get stitches on my nutsack. I didn't know my mom had waxed the bathroom floor, and while I was stepping into the tub to take a shower my feet slipped in different directions. I landed crotch-first on the metal door frame. FML
Today, I cut my penis on a desk fan. FML
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Top comments
MisterJD 0
Gravity - you fought the law, and the law won.
Inkspell 2
wait-wtf? why is barely anyone messing with this guy about an attempt at giving himself a *******, that's...friggen disgusting..wth? some of you even ask how to do it and ..wtf?! Well.. i'm only 15..so i woudn't know..but jebus guys, what the blazing balls.
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Comments (202)
OEsEben 0
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
if i could do this i would dump my girlfriend and never leave my house.
charlene_fml 0
thats mean dude
xX_LilSammie_Xx 4
Would you not be considered gay for sucking a dick, even your own?
ljbgamer 1
No, it would be considered ************.
blake204 0
No it's considered gross and seriously wrong.
nightslayer 6
i dont get why any guy says this, i would never suck my own dick cause thats just ****** up
hfslkp47012759 28
Wow, I wish I loved myself that much. Relationships are honestly awesome, though...You're willing to give up intimacy, a cuddle buddy, and a best friend? Being able to pleasure myself orally would pale in comparison.
Pop_and_Pixels 0
Lilu01's right, it is possible... if you have surgery to have a couple of your ribs removed or are hung like a horse.
Trav42 0
u would know......lol jk
klynhunter 0
nah, it's totally possible if it big and flexible enough. google it.
LacrosseChick97 0
Somewhere up in the sky, Newton is laughing and saying I told you so. :P
mjcurreri198 0
I want to do it!
Indatshirt 15
Aha, you fill me with happiness my sweet walrus.
gatorclay97 28
Disregard #150, you really don't want to Google that...
MisterJD 0
Gravity - you fought the law, and the law won.
chelseadaggers 0
Wooo clash quote. =]
eastmanwolf 0
The Clash didn't write that song.
NotSprinkles 0
I have been able to do it....couldnt do much, but did a little bit, didnt do much for me though since I was the one doing it, its like rubbing your own back, it doesnt feel as good to do it yourself...
Rach_star 0
You make me feel sick
CurlyHairGuy 0
Like women dont try to lick their own vag
inconvienentgurl 0
they dont...if u wont use a man u got fingers...y would u lick ur own? guys have problems o.0 O.P. GET A GIRL!! buy 1 if u have to ;)
wtfjusthappened1 0
no, we dnt, cause its sick, yuck
mjcurreri198 0
that's really talented and hottt, how big is ur junk?
gatorclay97 28
It's more like masturbation... It's not really gay...
Inkspell 2
wait-wtf? why is barely anyone messing with this guy about an attempt at giving himself a *******, that's...friggen disgusting..wth? some of you even ask how to do it and ..wtf?! Well.. i'm only 15..so i woudn't know..but jebus guys, what the blazing balls.
peachykeen13 0
ur 15 nd u don't jack off? I'm a girl but my guy friends hav admitted to masturbating since 7th grade. it used to gross me out but whatever floats their boats I guess...
PenultimateTaco 14
Don't tell me you've never tried it, or though about it before. Because every male over the age of 13 has. Fact.
shinxanta 21
Never done it, because it's stupid as hell!
tiki_92090 0
Seriously watch Nip/Tuck the episode Manny Skerritt. Hilarious. Goes along the lines of what happened to you; only he succeeded.
FunnyGuy_fml 0
I used to be able to lick the head, but the best I've ever gotten is just a quick little suck on the head- nothing to blow a load over there's a competition at this camp my friend goes to every year- whoever wins is declared the owner of the longest penis
skizza_fml 3
makes sense wouldn't he be most flexible not owner of the biggest dick? if you wanna know whose is biggest just whip it out and examine save trying to blow yourself off
gatorclay97 28
That camp... It seems slightly gay...
runmymouth 0
#16, just by your AGE you're obviously not qualified to make much commentary on this, and your comment proves it. As to the OP- better luck next time, fella.
citylights 0
HAHAHAHA @ #4 and #21
Nabee143 3
You ARE #21... Did I miss something here?
Boo_hoo 0
Lol...Too Much Nip/Tuck!!! =P