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The all-time greatest FMLs

By mee - 02/01/2016 08:25 - United States - Opelousas

Today, I visited my boyfriend's uncle's house for a party. His 8 year-old cousin started asking if I like penis, so my reaction was to laugh, spitting my drink on her and her new dress. She can't pronounce peanuts, and I can't visit anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 417

You deserved it 3 833

By Anon - 30/03/2012 05:10 - New Zealand

Today, I was so excited to hear my phone get a message that I jumped out of my seat. It was the TV, advertising texting plans. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 415

You deserved it 5 141

By LadySteph12 - 29/10/2009 00:53 - Canada

Spicy

Today, the guy I was seeing put candles all over his room to make things romantic. As we were getting it on, a plastic bag caught fire next to the bed. He had the brilliant idea to wave it around to put it out. Burning pieces of plastic landed on my arm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 409

You deserved it 3 344

Catfished

By cbolig - 03/05/2011 12:15

Today, while on a first date with a guy who turned out to be twice my age, we were playing video games at the theatre before the movie started. Suddenly he falls face first while having a seizure. The EMT asked if my "dad" had a history of epilepsy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 407

You deserved it 31 788

Bucket list goals

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States - Marlborough

Today, I had to explain to my friend that being arrested isn't something a decent person should have on their bucket list. I had to explain this while bailing her out of jail. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 407

You deserved it 2 566

By no love - 01/01/2016 22:41 - United States

Today, I celebrated my 4-year anniversary with my girlfriend. We didn't have sex and we didn't even kiss. All I got to do was cuddle the stuffed Minion she got me for Christmas. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 405

You deserved it 3 346

Wanker

By Sandman2015 - 29/01/2016 18:36 - United States - American Fork

Spicy

Today, I walked in on one of my co-workers jerking off in the bathroom, complete with heavy breathing and victory groans. I don't want to go to HR, but I can't even look at him anymore. We have to work on a project together next week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 402

You deserved it 1 933

By Anonymous - 02/05/2009 20:12 - United States

Today, I finished my SAT and was feeling pretty good about it. I decided to turn on my phone, since it was on silent. As the guy was collecting our tests, my phone vibrated a little. My score was cancelled. It was a text from my mom reminding me to turn off my phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 400

You deserved it 88 061

Thirfty and frugal

By BasicallySodaFlavoredWater - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - United States - San Francisco

Today, my parents decided that the best way to save money was to dilute everything we drank with water. Only one more year of watered down soda and juice to go. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 400

You deserved it 2 497

By Anonymous - 25/03/2016 19:07 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I spent a lot of money buying a birthday gift for a close friend, only to find out I'm not even invited to the party. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 399

You deserved it 1 867

By emilyhendrix0414 - 28/09/2012 10:53 - United States

Today, my 5-year-old, overweight Siberian Husky tackled me because he thought that my lipstick was food. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 398

You deserved it 6 598

By JJMan217 - 03/04/2011 07:02 - Canada

Today, I attended a funeral. During the minute of silence, my phone went off. My ringtone is "It's good to be alive". FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 394

You deserved it 58 961

Smooth

By godzilllla - 08/08/2015 01:59 - United States - Bothell

Today, while at the local supermarket, I spotted an attractive woman packing food into a shelf. Trying to be flirty, I asked where I could find the cream cheese. Apparently, it was on the shelf right behind me. I heard her mutter "idiot" under her breath. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 394

You deserved it 11 835

By owch - 23/11/2015 21:21 - United States - Maumee

Today, I learned that if I take my full dosage of Vicodin, I will throw up all day. I also learned that if I don't take my full dosage of Vicodin, I will be in excruciating pain all day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 393

You deserved it 1 564

By turnoff - 17/09/2009 04:42 - United States

Spicy

Today, I tried to wake my husband up in the middle of the night by kissing him deeply and massaging his neck and shoulders. He opens his eyes, looks at me, says "No", and goes back to sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 392

You deserved it 15 182

By Kat - 24/12/2015 21:51 - Australia

Today, I made a typo in a line of code, bringing the company website down. Our admin was already pissed about having to work over Christmas, and he started yelling at me and ended up punching my supervisor when he got between us. Pretty sure my screw up indirectly got the poor guy fired. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 391

You deserved it 3 298

By weaknesspersonified - 10/11/2015 23:25 - Austria

Today, I felt sad, useless and like I could never achieve anything. To cheer myself up, I wanted to smell some essential orange oil. I couldn't open the bottle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 391

You deserved it 3 722

By Anonymous - 29/11/2010 04:05 - United States

Today, I realized I've been driving for almost two years and still get excited when I park between the lines on my first try. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 391

You deserved it 20 904

By Anonymous - 29/12/2015 17:29 - United States - Charleston

Today, I woke up to several dead snails and worms all over my bed. I guess that's what my little sister meant yesterday when she said I'd be sorry for not letting her play on my phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 387

You deserved it 2 209

By John_Elvis - 09/04/2016 03:30 - United States - Valparaiso

Today, I took a girl to a sushi restaurant for our first date. She insisted she's had sushi before, but I had to watch her struggle with the chopsticks for a few minutes before mercifully asking the waitress for a fork. She then ate a fork full of wasabi, thinking it was guacamole. I think there won't be a second date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 386

You deserved it 3 523

By Anonymous - 19/10/2015 21:46 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I had to bribe my cousin with Monster Energy Drinks and Halo 5 so he wouldn't tell my mom I snuck out to meet a boy. I'm 24. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 385

You deserved it 8 542

Thanks Outlook

By Buzz - 28/11/2008 05:35 - France

Today, I was doing a Power Point presentation to the management committee. Outlook Express was still open, and right in the middle of the presentation, a window popped up notifying me of a new message. "Subject: our reply to your application for the post of Marketing Manager." FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 385

You deserved it 8 397

By Anonymous - 23/09/2012 11:11 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, my sister stopped by to visit me with her pet bird in tow. She asked me to hold the animal while she went to the toilet, and put it on my shoulder. It promptly shat on my only clean shirt and tore away a good deal of skin from my hand when I tried to get it off me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 384

You deserved it 2 587

By bham boy - 20/04/2011 08:10

Today, I went for a job interview. I was asked if I wanted a drink. I have no idea why, but I replied "a bottle of milk please." FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 380

You deserved it 33 770

By Anonymous - 08/09/2015 18:46 - United States - Anchorage

Today, I told my boss I need a scrub brush to properly clean the stairs at my workplace. She gave me an old toothbrush. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 379

You deserved it 1 881

By Singed - 04/07/2009 17:31 - United States

Today, my dad woke me up by shaking me and saying "If you're not up in two minutes, I'm lighting a firecracker in your room." Thinking he wouldn't possibly set off a firecracker in the house, much less my room, I decided to call his bluff. My room still smells like gunpowder. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 378

You deserved it 43 652

By thebravelittletoaster - 20/03/2011 20:32 - United Kingdom

Today, the estranged crumbs in my toaster caught light while I was making breakfast. The toast, toaster, and my wooden bench are now little more than collateral damage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 376

You deserved it 9 865

By Singer_Song - 23/08/2013 05:04 - United States

Today, I was at the library. I had to use the restroom, where I ended up singing in bad, made-up Japanese the whole time. When I went back across the library, my brother informed me that everyone could clearly hear me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 376

You deserved it 43 505

Singer_Song tells us more.

Singer_Song 0

Saturday 24 August 2013 0:41

I'm the OP. The reason I say Japanese specifically is because I do know a few words and included them in the song. I do love anime. I'm actually a really good singer, I've bee compared to Evanescance (I'm not trying to show off I have no reason to show off to online strangers). I was singing because I had a tune in my head and was being silly. Also the restroom is in the back of the Library so I didn't think it would go that far. I didn't know because not a single person made a face or anything.

By its dark - 07/01/2016 23:04 - United States - San Francisco

Today, it's day three of our power being off because of a glitch in the power company's computer system. They won't turn it back on until we pay the $2000 we owe from 2010. We moved here in 2012. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 374

You deserved it 1 315

Wankers

By trainE - 30/03/2009 02:08 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was masturbating in my room when my dog started to bark obnoxiously. He does this all the time so I ignored it and kept going. This went on for about a half hour. When I went downstairs, I found an open door and an empty TV stand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 370

You deserved it 94 687

FML on Facebook

Keywords

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The Top

The Top

Today, I just found out that my ex girlfriend is gonna be my step mother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 81 370

You deserved it 4 635

Today, after a long airplane trip, I arrived at a hotel hoping to get some rest at last. At around 2 AM, my older daughter (13) suddenly got up to start yelling things while sleepwalking. My younger daughter (4) slept all night peacefully, but I realized she had forgotten to put on her nighttime diaper. FML

I agree, your life sucks 338

You deserved it 162

Today, I decided to use fake tan, seeing as I am so pale. Everywhere I have been today, I have had children behind me. Singing the Oompa Loompa song. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 279

You deserved it 62 282

Today, I was trying out for a local basketball team, so I put extra effort into showing off my baller skills. Unfortunately, I managed to hit myself in the face with the ball, knocking out one of my own teeth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 473

You deserved it 543

Today, I had my back waxed to deal with the uncontrollable hair growth. Afterwards, I broke out in numerous pimples where the hair used to be. Basically, a lose-lose situation. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 798

You deserved it 3 879

Today, my boyfriend invited me over to "play with his lizard." After excitedly rushing across town, I realized this wasn't a euphemism, he actually bought an Iguana. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 722

You deserved it 28 800