Miscellaneous: Today, my dad woke me up by shaking me and saying "If you're...

By Singed - 04/07/2009 17:31 - United States

Today, my dad woke me up by shaking me and saying "If you're not up in two minutes, I'm lighting a firecracker in your room." Thinking he wouldn't possibly set off a firecracker in the house, much less my room, I decided to call his bluff. My room still smells like gunpowder. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 336

You deserved it 43 545

Miscellaneous

Weird reason to leave, but OK

Compromises

Mama's boy

By anonymous - 26/05/2016 00:34 - United States - Rio Rancho

Today, I went to a trampoline park and jumped into an adult-area foam pit that apparently used to be for children. I guess it never occurred to them to change the depth of it, as I now have a fractured ankle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 112

You deserved it 1 347

Run for the hills

By Anonymous - 06/08/2021 08:00

Today, I realized that my girlfriend and I have no shared hobbies. We used to. She's stopped doing them with me and instead does them with someone else. No worries, he's "just a friend", although she did tell me she has a crush on him. But "nothing's going to happen" because "he doesn't feel the same". FML

I agree, your life sucks 834

You deserved it 79

By Crissylove10 - 18/01/2010 20:12 - United States

Today, I bought a fake "wedding ring" at Target to play a prank on my parents. They kicked me out, saying my "fiancé" can take care of me now. There is no fiancé, and I just lost my job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 091

You deserved it 42 946

By ugly me - 24/10/2010 00:50 - United States

Today, I was sitting on a plane waiting for everyone to get on. A cute guy around my age had the option of sitting next to me or an old guy. He gave me a horrified look and immediately sat next to the old man. I got to sit next to his mother. She evil eyed me the whole time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 339

You deserved it 3 604

By Anonymous - 08/03/2015 16:42 - United States

Today, I decided to show up early for work and really try to get off my manager's shit-list. On my way to work, my manager called to bitch me out for already being 30 minutes late. Yeah, I forgot about Daylight Savings Time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 098

You deserved it 12 370

By Anonymous - 13/11/2011 21:47 - United States

Today, it was laundry day. After my fifth and final load, I noticed I never added any laundry detergent. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 125

You deserved it 24 508

By :$ - 06/08/2012 22:08 - Canada - Niagara Falls

Today, I had to scream for my dad to come help me, after I got my hair caught in a fan while trying to make the Darth Vader voice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 966

You deserved it 35 036

By Username - 04/04/2011 17:36 - United States

Today, my dad woke me up for the second time to get me ready for school. Wanting me to prove I was really awake, he made me sit up. As soon as he left my room, I dozed off and faceplanted my nightstand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 266

You deserved it 44 436

Captain Badass

By NotAsToughAsHeThinks - 14/02/2011 03:25 - United States

Today, a man pulled me violently into an alleyway and informed me I was being mugged. Being a body-builder, I said, "Oh yeah? Go on then." He kicked my ass in a matter of seconds, stole my wallet, then farted on my bruised face. He called me a wimp. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 131

You deserved it 53 906

By Anonymous - 28/11/2011 23:54 - United States

Today, my dogs broke through our electric fence, one of whom managed to get his collar off. I picked it up and, without thinking, went across the fence line. I screamed like a chihuahua being run over by a bulldozer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 835

You deserved it 38 214

Ace in the hole

By anna - 15/05/2021 07:58

Today, I learned that it is not normal to have absolutely zero desire for sex. I’m well into my 20s and not a virgin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 826

You deserved it 137

Stoners of the world unite!

By Andy - 04/04/2020 23:00

Today, I came home to my 60-something year-old father, stoned off his ass, buck naked in our living room doing a spirited rendition of Girls Just Want to Have Fun with an Australian accent and a tambourine. The windows were open. The poor neighborhood children will most likely need therapy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 626

You deserved it 177

God is Dead 6: Electric Boogaloo

By Anonymous - 02/08/2021 21:01 - United States - Steele

Today, I finally mustered up the courage to tell my overly-religious parents that I'm an agnostic. They asked me why. As soon as I gave my reasons, my mom called me a "bigot" and hurled a bible at me, and it nailed me in the crotch. She then said, "That's what you get, non-believer." FML

I agree, your life sucks 761

You deserved it 113

By Anonymous - 02/07/2015 04:49 - Australia - Townsville

Today, I quit my job so I wouldn't have to work with this one complete fuck-wit anymore. I told him what I thought of him, and then walked away giving him the middle finger. Turns out, he is a regular customer at my new job. Everyone loves him and thinks he's awesome. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 201

You deserved it 10 125

By gnownayrgnow - 08/05/2011 05:05 - United States

Today, I decided to be extra nice to my girlfriend by washing all the dishes and folding all the clothes. She thought I was being "too nice" and hypothesized that I was cheating on her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 783

You deserved it 5 646

By Anonymous - 22/09/2018 13:30

Today, I apparently had diarrhea in my sleep. I had to get up and sneak to the bathroom so as to not wake my husband. When he asked about the stain, I panicked and told him I started my period. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 517

You deserved it 399

By Anonymous - 03/05/2009 23:22 - United States

Today, I was about to lose my virginity with my girlfriend of 2 years, when I got an urgent phone call from my 9-year-old sister, telling me I had to come home immediately. My grandma fell off the toilet and got stuck between the bowl and the wall. I'm not making this up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 306 310

You deserved it 20 762

By NoMoreTrumpetBlowing - 14/08/2013 16:22 - United Kingdom

Today, I was having dinner with my boyfriend's family, and he was saying how well his driving lessons are going. During this conversation his mum told him to "stop blowing your own trumpet." He replied, "If I could do that, I wouldn't need Anna." His dad gave him a high-five. FML

I agree, your life sucks 70 840

You deserved it 8 956

By BigBangrocksthenight - 03/04/2010 00:31 - United States

Today, I was making out with my boyfriend. Things got kind of heated, so he decided to take off my bra. They cooled back down when a bug flew out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 493

You deserved it 10 432

By Anonymous - 06/01/2011 21:56 - Isle of Man

Today, I went to the toilet during drama, not because I had to actually go, but because I wanted to play Monopoly on my iPod. I lost track of time and came back twenty minutes later. My whole class listened while I was forced to tell my teacher I'd been really constipated. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 868

You deserved it 47 511

By Anonymous - 06/11/2015 21:23 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I asked my school counselor in strict confidence for advice on how to help a friend of mine, who has bulimia. When I got home, I found out that "someone" had called my parents and told them that I'm bulimic. They won't believe the truth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 616

You deserved it 1 637

By sopissed - 13/06/2012 18:13 - United States - Laurel

Today, I went to take my driver's test, and I did almost everything perfectly. The last thing was to back into a driveway. As I went to put my hand on the passenger seat to look over my shoulder, I got so nervous that I hit my instructor in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 588

You deserved it 3 608

By Username - 15/05/2011 06:42 - United States

Today, while driving my new car, a squirrel ran in front of me so I slammed on my brakes. The person behind me didn't notice and rear-ended me. The squirrel got hit by a car going the opposite direction. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 396

You deserved it 18 039

By neighbour hell - 25/04/2013 17:56 - Norway - Kristiansand

Today, after 2 months of my new neighbours' kids throwing rocks at our cars, constantly swearing at us, bullying my siblings in and out of school, and vandalising our property, their mother has convinced the landlord that we're the ones out of control. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 987

You deserved it 2 684

By Missy - 09/09/2009 20:16 - United States

Today, I was sitting on a park bench with my very elderly grandfather while listening to music at a low volume. Suddenly, he turned to me and said very loudly, "I DIDN'T KNOW YOU HAD AIDS!" I received strange looks from everyone because he mistook my ear buds for a hearing aid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 855

You deserved it 4 599

By Anonymous - 27/06/2014 10:57 - United Kingdom

Today, my boss sent me some application forms to check over. After I spell-checked them and returned them, I found out they're going to be used to hire someone to replace me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 439

You deserved it 4 222

By jasmine - 10/06/2019 14:00

Today, my daughter is 16 hours-old and cries every time I pick her up, and refuses to be breast fed. She loves sleeping peacefully in her dad’s arms, and being bottle-fed by him. My 16 hour-old baby hates me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 090

You deserved it 298

By alchy - 02/05/2011 04:46 - United States

Today, I realized that the cashier at the liquor store and I are already on a first-name basis. I just moved to this town a week ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 949

You deserved it 36 170

By Anonymous - 27/05/2011 15:31 - United States

Today, I walked into work looking like I had peed myself, all because my husband thought it would be "hilarious" to slam on the brakes while I was drinking hot coffee. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 308

You deserved it 3 557

By Nick Nameous - 01/01/2009 06:22 - United States

Today, I celebrated the new year. Alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 179

You deserved it 5 266

By Anonymous - 09/08/2016 00:04

Today, my 12-year-old sister, who sometimes has difficulty coming up with the right words while speaking, used the word "intercourse" to replace "encounter". She was joking to my dad that she, "had an 'intercourse' with Bob Dylan." I can't get the image out of my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 809

You deserved it 1 313

By HELP - 07/06/2012 01:25 - United States

Today, I moved into a new house. The landlord insists it's OK for her to come up whenever she wants because she owns the house. We aren't allowed to lock the doors and she has two 8-year-olds. They come into the bathroom every time they hear the shower running. We have a clear shower curtain. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 383

You deserved it 4 229

By unimpressed bride - 22/11/2015 06:10 - United States - Traverse City

Today, it's been two weeks since I got married. It's also two weeks since my husband got cold feet about moving in together, because he thinks the sudden change would be too emotionally distressing for his cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 526

You deserved it 3 021

Cheating cheater

By anahira6 - 27/09/2013 19:41 - United States - Houston

Today, my boss's son is training to take over my job as head translator, after having convinced his dad that he's fluent in Spanish, and that my skills suck. I soon walked in on him using Google Translate on a legal document. My boss refuses to believe me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 611

You deserved it 3 022

By Anonymous - 20/05/2019 06:35

Today, while getting steamy with my boyfriend, I tried to be sexy and tease him by playfully pushing his hands away every time he touched me. He responded by telling me it's OK if we didn't have sex because my breath was a bit "funky" and he needed to take "a massive dump anyway." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 028

You deserved it 2 887

By caly - 12/11/2018 16:32 - United States

Today, while at my mom’s house, my mom told me that I need to seriously curb my food intake. Then I went to my dad’s house and he told me I need to gain weight. I can’t win here. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 684

You deserved it 163

Surprise strike

By Anonymous - 28/06/2020 20:02

Today, as I was walking home with dinner, a pigeon pooped on my leg like a dive bomb. My hands were full carrying the food, so I had to walk the rest of the way with a smear on my jeans that everyone knew what it was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 253

You deserved it 149

By Red Face, too - 24/10/2018 13:30

Today, I saw Niagra Falls. Not the one in Canada, but the one that was released when I went to check on my period at work. I had no change of clothes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 689

You deserved it 253

Panic attack

By Anonymous - 06/05/2009 00:22 - United States

Today, I went to donate blood for the first time. When they stuck the needle in my arm, I had a panic attack and begged that they take it out. The woman helping me told me she'd take it out in a moment and left. It was then that the Red Cross stole a pint of my blood while I had a panic attack. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 674

You deserved it 18 037

By Noname - 04/02/2009 23:04 - United States

Today, I discovered my mom has over 20 sites bookmarked on her laptop, all having to do with 'How To Boost Your Insecure Teen's Confidence' or 'How To Help Your Overweight Teen Have A Positive Self Image'. Thanks, mommy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 598

You deserved it 7 218

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Top comments

Essentials 0

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Saturday 4 July 2009 23:11

Perhaps you should listen to your father in the future eh? Next time he might stick it somewhere else.

AshleyRose784 0

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Saturday 4 July 2009 23:11

wow, your dad is officially nuts

AshleyRose784 0

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Saturday 4 July 2009 23:11

wow, your dad is officially nuts

wickliffe 0

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Saturday 4 July 2009 23:25

in no way did you deserve this. what kind of maniac sets off a firecracker in the house??

EffinWhosLife 0

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Saturday 4 July 2009 23:39

Well he isn't completely nuts, how fitting that today happens to be the 4th of July?

qwerty475 0

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Sunday 5 July 2009 0:06

haha when I modded this I laughed.... Then I realized my dad has shot his shot-gun out my window to wake me up- He used deer shot

Tsukasa_fml 0

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Sunday 5 July 2009 0:44

Agreed. Be afraid.

LesYeuxDeDario 0

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Sunday 5 July 2009 1:20

He's amazing ain't he ? *.*

curryndricegirll 0

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Sunday 5 July 2009 6:59

erm...isn't that illegal?

AquarNLD 0

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Sunday 5 July 2009 15:31

whahaha your dad is Epic

Muzikluvr93 0

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Sunday 5 July 2009 18:50

awwwwwwww that suckkkks!!!!

cRaZy_burd_15 0

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Monday 6 July 2009 4:09

an awesome maniac

SilenceIsSilver 0

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Sunday 20 March 2011 3:34

Yeah, if by nuts you mean EPIC. I wish I was cool like him.

Essentials 0

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Saturday 4 July 2009 23:11

Perhaps you should listen to your father in the future eh? Next time he might stick it somewhere else.

Logica42 0

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Sunday 5 July 2009 6:16

Oh god.

angorashi 0

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Saturday 4 July 2009 23:12

Your dad rocks!

Dragodon64 0

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Sunday 5 July 2009 6:21

No, he's a friggin dumbass who needs to learn his place.

Draq 1

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Sunday 5 July 2009 12:43

Seeing as how he's the dad, I think he knows his place quite well. I second the 'rocks' option.

popoman 0

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Saturday 1 August 2009 6:57

He rocks. You should let him rock your socks off...in bed!

wopchop12 8

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Wednesday 18 December 2013 4:59

Fuck off and live a little. That's what the kid gets for not listening to his father

Knockyoudown 0

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Saturday 4 July 2009 23:13

Unluckyy.

mstgirl 0

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Saturday 4 July 2009 23:13

What the hell? Why did he do that?

Life__suxx 0

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Saturday 4 July 2009 23:52

Wellll,.. it is the fourth of july.

musiclife_fml 0

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Saturday 4 July 2009 23:14

Don't worry, it's the 4th of July...he probably wanted to celebrate early!

rafaelaugusto94 0

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Sunday 5 July 2009 1:50

lol!

lynnesey 0

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Monday 6 July 2009 22:28

her dad is awesome.

dotVillain 1

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Saturday 4 July 2009 23:16

Wow, way to cry about it. So what if your room smells like gunpowder? That definitely doesn't make your life fuckable.

ball00nboy 0

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Saturday 4 July 2009 23:48

way to not consider the fact that her dad is an ass.

dotVillain 1

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Sunday 5 July 2009 0:11

Her dad is such an ass for trying to get her kid out of bed on the 4th of July for her to spend time with her family. Yeah, that makes sense.

ndawgg 6

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Sunday 5 July 2009 0:16

He lit a freaking firecracker IN HER ROOM. To wake her up. What kind of dad does that? (Other than this one, obviously.)

razzumfrazzum 0

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Sunday 5 July 2009 3:03

Its HIS HOUSE. He can do whatever the hell he wants. Personally I think her dad is full of win. I'd do the same thing if my kid tried to call my bluff on something like that. Its good for a laugh :D

heavenandhell 0

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Sunday 5 July 2009 16:02

he gave fair warning...

asinforasin 1

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Friday 17 August 2012 3:53

Her dad is an ass? More like a badass!

MeganH0LLYW00D 0

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Saturday 4 July 2009 23:16

You're dad is a badass. Be grateful.

ugadawg419 0

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Wednesday 20 October 2010 8:41

wow your completely gorgeous..

rapmasterfizzle 0

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Saturday 4 July 2009 23:17

haha sweeett

ladidadi 0

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Saturday 4 July 2009 23:18

can firecrackers actually set something on fire? if so, it was stupid of him to risk burning the house down just so he could prove a point.

xHaniffax 0

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Saturday 4 July 2009 23:29

the whole point was that the OP should've woken up withouth the threat being followed through which could have burned the house down. Hopefully, they'll listen and do as they're told in future.

shmaller 0

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Saturday 4 July 2009 23:52

Maybe they thought their dad was kidding, like any normal person would. If you're seriously implying that the father is willing to burn the house down to teach a lesson about obedience, I'll have to ask you whether the psych ward allows internet access.

razzumfrazzum 0

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Sunday 5 July 2009 3:11

One firecracker won't burn down a house by any means. Not only that explosions of any kind don't start fires by themselves. There must be a second flammable material that gets ignited during the explosion. At worst the fire cracker will leave a black mark on whatever it was sitting on.