Miscellaneous: Today, the estranged crumbs in my toaster caught light while...

By thebravelittletoaster - United Kingdom

Today, the estranged crumbs in my toaster caught light while I was making breakfast. The toast, toaster, and my wooden bench are now little more than collateral damage. FML

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Miscellaneous

Compassionate

Teamwork works

The truth will out

By Talented73

Today, while brushing my teeth, I applied the toothpaste to my toothbrush when a few bristles got caught on the lip of the tube and flung a glob of toothpaste into my eye. My eye is now bloodshot, but at least it's minty fresh. FML

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4051

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363

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By Garchomp - United States - Dodge City

Today, working my job, I had to explain to a kid that Pokemon is owned by Nintendo and they don't make it for the Xbox. Upset by this, he took hold of my leg and started biting. I'm also suspended, because his mother complained when I kicked him off me. FML

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53649

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3582

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I sent my boss a link to a website I thought would answer a simple question she'd asked. Turns out, yes, the site did answer her question, but it also had some very suggestive ads on it. Apparently I'm the only person in the office who uses adblock. FML

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29124

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By nofriends - Japan

Today, I wrote in my own yearbook with different styles of handwriting so my mom would think I have friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks

55252

You deserved it

15009

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By GTR - United Kingdom

Today, I bought a car. After just ten minutes, my hub caps had been stolen. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32182

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3316

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By anonymous

Today, I found out that the fat sweaty guy at my job frequently uses my rub-on deodorant and puts it back in my drawer after he's done. FML

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36280

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3160

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By Anonymous

Today, I did my first night of open-mic standup. The first 5 minutes went badly, but I don't know if it got any better afterwards, because a drunk audience member climbed up on stage and knocked me out. FML

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32251

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By nutcracker - Slovenia

Today, I tried to see if you can kick yourself in the nuts. You can. FML

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7167

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68198

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By OMGWTF - United States

Today, while biking home from work, a 12 mile trip, I was speeding down a long hill and my jean pant leg got caught in the chain. It ripped, and then the rest of my pant leg ripped off. I had to bike 10 more miles half naked along the highway. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42055

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6124

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By - Australia

Today, as I walked out of a club, I slipped in my new shoes and spilled my chicken, chips and gravy on my brand new white dress. Not only did people see me do this, but my dress is ruined. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1919

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717

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By gman

Today, I've been seeing this girl for three months. After asking her if she'd like to go out to eat with me, I realized that she never called me by my name, just "hey you". While we were out, I wondered what she had me saved as, so I texted her when she got up to use the restroom. It was "free food". FML

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3909

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By Anonymous - United States - Riverside

Today, my boyfriend went down on me for the first time. When I didn't get off right away, he asked what he was doing wrong. I told him he was doing fine, but instead of focusing only on my vagina, he might want to pay attention to my clitoris as well. His response? "What's a clitoris?" FML

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68313

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By Anonymous

FML Uncensored

Today, me and my boyfriend had sex but stopped when I felt pain down stairs. That evening he wanted me to go to the emergency room but I wanted to sleep it off. Turned out I needed surgery. One of my fallopian tubes had ripped. The sex was so rough, I got an intravenous hemorrhage. FML

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6401

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By 20singleandproudish - Canada - Saskatoon

Today, my younger brother helpfully pointed out that I'm the only one in my family of five who is single. He's twelve. FML

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38690

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By Hungrytoothbrush - United States

Today, I spat up blood and had horrible chest pain. My mom still made me go to school, claiming she needed to take the cat to the vet instead of me to the doctor. FML

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35094

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By Lonely_Army - Qatar

Today, I realised that I've been deployed for far too long, when I caught myself looking down the cleavage of a mannequin wearing a bathing suit. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26445

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By barfyshirt - United States

Today, I got really sick at my boyfriend's house, and barely made it to the toilet in time to throw up. it got on my shirt so I asked if I could borrow one of his. He said I could wear one of his dad's shirts because he didn't want his to get too stretched out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37687

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7151

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By MitchFail - United States

Today, in the midst of foreplay, this girl tells me I am so hot, I respond "Ditto." She heatedly responds "I love ditto," to which I suavely reply "I didn't know you were into Pokémon. That may make you even sexier." She knows nothing about Pokémon, but I sure know how to kill the mood. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20648

You deserved it

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By bad_luck_chuck

Today, I got a Samsung Galaxy and opened the box to see a cracked screen. I showed the clerk and she said I must have dropped it. I hadn't moved since she handed me the box. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3702

You deserved it

191

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By hate

Today, I spent 2 hours scrubbing puke off the dishes in the kitchen. Why? Because my moronic flatmate was dared by his equally moronic friend to drink a bottle of castor oil and then eat an entire jar of marmite. As a result, he projectile vomited all over all the dishes and left me to clean up. FML

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4149

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By sammy77sam - Saint Kitts and Nevis - Basseterre

Today, I told my girlfriend about my extreme fear of flying roaches. She immediately got upset because she thought, since I'm from the Caribbean, I would be "manlier" and "eat stuff like that for breakfast". FML

I agree, your life sucks

47584

You deserved it

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By datingmrpicky - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me he wouldn't have sex with me because yesterday I ate a sandwich in his bed and got crumbs in it. FML

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19439

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By I tried

Lockdown is driving us down

Today, my husband went on a tirade, accusing me of bullying and being too hard on our kids. Apparently, I’m taking this homeschool thing too serious, and I need to cut them a break. All I did was make them write their letters and numbers on paper instead of just using their tablets. Yeah, real mean. FML

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1941

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163

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By Anonymous - United States - White Plains

Today, my husband asked our tax professional if we could file my profession as "Expert Dream Murderer." I'm a guidance counselor. FML

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38657

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By girlie5445 - United Kingdom

Today, I went on a date with a cute guy. After picking me up, he started to play on repeat, and sing to me, 'Happy Together' by The Turtles. For the entire 20 minute ride. FML

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25770

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By Anonymous - 3/1/2021 05:01

Blackmail material

Today, I was staying at a hotel and had a night terror. I woke up, yelled, "Fuck!" and realized I had shit the bed. I'd woken up my teenage daughter, who now knows I shit the bed in the middle night. FML

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876

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154

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By RainbowSuck - Canada

Today, after passing various interviews and tests, I was given a great job pending a pre-employment medical test. Now I'm jobless and colorblind. FML

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7101

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By ugh - United States

Today, I realized that I can't shave my unibrow because I have too much acne on my forehead. FML

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56541

You deserved it

10337

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By ThreeMoreYears

Jesus, take the wheel

Today, during my religion class, my instructor decided to use the state of the class's cars as a metaphor for our relationship with God. When I told him my car had been totalled in an accident last week, he yelled at me for being an "agent of Satan." One class down, 59 to go. FML

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1430

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By flipflap

Today, I tried to get a piece of glass out of my big toe. After an hour of poking and prodding, I finally got it out only for it to fall on the floor where I couldn't find it. Not five minutes later, I stepped on it again. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27197

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7050

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By whywasitthere - United States - New Braunfels

Today, I was walking down my road in the hill-country of Texas, when I spotted something shiny buried in the dirt. Thinking it could be something interesting, I picked it up, and, after turning it over numerous times in my hand, realized that it was, in fact, an old silver bullet vibrator. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5988

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1020

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By eaa145 - United States

Today, for my two-year anniversary I got my girlfriend a very expensive diamond necklace. She got me male enhancement pills. FML

I agree, your life sucks

158000

You deserved it

18178

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, my cat tried to jump up to the window, and missed. This would have been hilarious if I had not been sleeping under that same window, and then caught him with my face. FML

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41575

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By Mr.P - United States

Today, I was just about to sit down to watch my favorite TV show when my dog jumped over the back of my couch, landed on my head and tried to jump through the window. I now have concussion and a window to replace, all because of a bird. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29146

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3238

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By facepalming all the way - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, I had to explain to my incredibly sheltered 15-year-old brother that no, you don't wear condoms on your balls, and that they don't work by squeezing your balls so the sperm are blocked from coming out when you ejaculate. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26586

You deserved it

2316

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By Handuh15

Today, I was sitting with my best friend and we were watching my one-year-old cousin. We thought it would be funny to say a bunch of swear words in front of him, since he didn't know how to talk. Five minutes later, guess what his first word was? And guess who won't be invited over for a while? FML

I agree, your life sucks

504

You deserved it

2959

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By W T F - United States - Jacksonville

Today, I gave my girlfriend a hickey barely an inch from her vagina. She texted me later, saying her dad saw it and had grounded her. So yeah, I'm not sure I even want to know what the hell goes on in their house. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43742

You deserved it

3593

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By liquorless - Canada - Hamilton

Today, my girlfriend's mother came over for a few hours. After she left I went to grab a drink, only to find that three bottles of expensive liquor were missing from our liquor cabinet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25065

You deserved it

1920

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mom thought it would be a good idea to see what websites I go on from my computer while I wasn't home. She clicked the link that gave my computer a virus that I just got rid of a few days ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48084

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my girlfriend said I could only take her virginity while I have a flaccid penis, so I won't hurt her. I get hard from just staring at her covered ass. FML

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44646

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Top comments

By jinxthejinx | 0

#2212899 - Monday 21 March 2011 0:57

Looks like you relied heavily on your thesaurus to write this FML. Unless you usually speak using awkward, slightly out-of-context high school vocabulary words.

By The_grumpy_bear | 0

#2212373 - Sunday 20 March 2011 23:33

I guess for next time you will clean out your toaster more often.

COMMENTS

By hoodsie | 0

#2212366 - Sunday 20 March 2011 23:33

That sucks bro. :(

tulsafml | 0

#2212851 - Monday 21 March 2011 0:50

Your mom!

maa_rico | 4

#2214420 - Monday 21 March 2011 4:38

But then again your mom does too.

vgameson | 0

#2214683 - Monday 21 March 2011 5:41

I hope OP didn't die. jk

hobojo11 | 0

#2215143 - Monday 21 March 2011 7:49

thats what he gets for shuving bread in the toaster
the brave little thing went outnin a band and took your cheep ass freniture with it

By The_grumpy_bear | 0

#2212373 - Sunday 20 March 2011 23:33

I guess for next time you will clean out your toaster more often.

bigmarkie2 | 3

#2212407 - Sunday 20 March 2011 23:38

^Agreed, cleaning fail. All you really gotta do is flip it over and shake it out once in a while.

tpreston | 0

#2212492 - Sunday 20 March 2011 23:51

haha. wait caught light?

SilenceIsSilver | 0

#2212597 - Monday 21 March 2011 0:11

Ikr!? Love the way this fml is worded:p

tulsafml | 0

#2212930 - Monday 21 March 2011 1:02

YDI for burning a perfect toaster strudel!

Agiggleaday | 0

#2212938 - Monday 21 March 2011 1:04

Hope your not blaming the toaster for it, OP

122409 | 0

#2213086 - Monday 21 March 2011 1:31

that is one dirty iPod.

stormer461 | 13

#2213301 - Monday 21 March 2011 2:33

YDI for writing like a retard.

dusty209 | 0

#2213435 - Monday 21 March 2011 3:02

why the fuck is there a warm appliance on a wood bench. that will bring the whole house down if it catches "light"!!

BlackOpsPWNR | 0

#2213470 - Monday 21 March 2011 3:09

lolz, the OPs name(not really) is thebravelittletoaster

ericownz101 | 0

#2214772 - Monday 21 March 2011 6:01

lol the estranged crumbs? why do i get the feeling these crumbs should be in a straight jacket..

swagchamp | 0

#2215044 - Monday 21 March 2011 7:15

hahahhahahaahaha 25. WIN

deliciouscake | 3

#2215193 - Monday 21 March 2011 8:05

keep a fire extinguisher in your kitchen like many smart people

abes22 | 0

#2216134 - Monday 21 March 2011 13:32

estranged crumbs.. use a dictionary next time.

By memo619 | 0

#2212383 - Sunday 20 March 2011 23:35

ouch, this is another reason why I don't cook
I'm afraid that imma burn the house down

fthku | 13

#2212589 - Monday 21 March 2011 0:10

Using a toaster is cooking?

ipwnlosers | 4

#2212806 - Monday 21 March 2011 0:44

16- Reference win!!! :D

Agiggleaday | 0

#2212950 - Monday 21 March 2011 1:06

16, pretty eyes :)

By 69_jackson_69 | 0

#2212392 - Sunday 20 March 2011 23:36

Hmm... Toaster Strudel.

Zebidee | 8

#2213155 - Monday 21 March 2011 1:46

Why is everyone saying 'toaster strudel'? Don't you people ever use a toaster for - I don't know - making toast?

dirtyblond | 4

#2214387 - Monday 21 March 2011 4:29

or waffles!(>'-')>#

SnailFist | 5

#2214543 - Monday 21 March 2011 5:09

Or toaster strudels...

lilduke22 | 0

#2214642 - Monday 21 March 2011 5:33

hell yA

By bigmarkie2 | 3

#2212415 - Sunday 20 March 2011 23:40

My apologies...I don't know why, but it double commented for some reason, this was suppose to be a response to the first comment xD

By ugliness | 6

#2212475 - Sunday 20 March 2011 23:47

I've never cleaned my toaster o.O

By wisericky | 12

#2212488 - Sunday 20 March 2011 23:51

get Docbastard to make you a new bench, he likes to work with wood. hehe

dirtyblond | 4

#2212953 - Monday 21 March 2011 1:05

hehehehe

By giantsfan2010 | 23

#2212595 - Monday 21 March 2011 0:11

Well, what did you think was gonna happen?

jawman | 0

#2214822 - Monday 21 March 2011 6:22

lol

By misstamz | 0

#2212623 - Monday 21 March 2011 0:16

Hey it could've been worse you know.

xoxoMEGANxoxo | 13

#2213217 - Monday 21 March 2011 2:03

true and cute kitty! (;

By MyMuse7 | 0

#2212768 - Monday 21 March 2011 0:41

shake it like a Polaroid picture