Miscellaneous: Today, the estranged crumbs in my toaster caught light while...

By thebravelittletoaster - 20/03/2011 20:32 - United Kingdom

Today, the estranged crumbs in my toaster caught light while I was making breakfast. The toast, toaster, and my wooden bench are now little more than collateral damage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 311

You deserved it 9 827

Miscellaneous

You tried

Our house, in the middle of our street

Empathy lives

By sammyxoxo - 18/12/2011 08:32 - Canada

Today, I stepped into a pile of dog shit on my doorstep, along with a note saying, "Keep your dog out of my yard." I don't own a dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 700

You deserved it 2 760

Sore

By Anonymous - 18/07/2020 20:01

Today, a few hours after me and my husband had sex, he mumbled "This is why I hate sex," as he left to grab some Tylenol. Apparently, he's so out of shape that basic sex made his muscles too sore to sleep. This is the first time in 2 weeks we've had sex. I'm always the one that has to ask for it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 298

You deserved it 242

"Based on your purchase history…"

By Anonymous - 19/09/2020 20:02

Today, in the break room at work, I was looking through my email on my phone about my Amazon orders. There was a suggested product that looked like a dildo. I turned around to see my boss behind me glancing at my phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 941

You deserved it 243

By Anonymous - 07/08/2009 02:10 - United States

Today, as I opened my diary to write a new entry, I noticed that every page had little side notes about what I had written. It had an extra long note on the page where I wrote about losing my virginity in great detail. All of the notes ended with "Love, Mom." FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 628

You deserved it 8 964

By Anonymous - 17/10/2015 13:17 - United States - Gadsden

Today, I accidentally Googled "best types of incest" instead of "best types of incense" on the family computer. The parental controls went nuts. I'm now grounded, and my parents are convinced I need psychiatric help. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 536

You deserved it 2 780

By Anonymous - 05/08/2014 02:00 - United States - New Ulm

Today, my blind date turned out to be my gynecologist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 772

You deserved it 4 600

By AlonsoKold - 07/04/2014 23:39 - United States - Jackson

Today, my girlfriend threatened to break up with me because I don't like her Facebook statuses enough. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 184

You deserved it 5 848

By perverted teenage girl - 29/11/2016 21:51

Today, my crush was giving a presentation in class. I zoned out and began staring off into space - which happened to be in the exact direction of his crotch. When I realized what I was doing, I quickly looked up at his face. He was already looking at me, with an expression of severe discomfort. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 039

You deserved it 1 862

By Anonymous - 02/02/2011 14:30 - United States

Today, I was eating breakfast at an IHOP. As I was eating, the old man sitting directly behind me started discussing every aspect of his spastic colon, in vivid detail. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 156

You deserved it 3 004

By Anonymous - 03/04/2009 02:33 - United States

Today, I saw a lesbian couple walking through the mall. One of the ladies walked up to me in the middle of the busy mall and started screaming at me about how rude it is to stare, and how we are all equal- straight or not. I was only staring because I'm a lesbian too, and they were hot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 186 979

You deserved it 29 813

By Anonymous - 12/10/2018 22:30

Today, at work, a table of girls complained to the manager about me. The complaint? "He's not hot enough to work here. We want a sexy server." The manager agreed with them and sent me home. I might lose my job because of a table of shallow women. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 577

You deserved it 180

Threesome weirdness

By Anonymous - 08/10/2020 02:01

Today, my roommate informed me that I need to move out, due to me having sex with his boyfriend. Even though he gave us permission, and told us to use protection. FML

I agree, your life sucks 522

You deserved it 1 068

By WalkingTalkingCarrot - 27/06/2011 02:15 - United Kingdom

Today, my 15 year old brother, visiting me for the weekend, thought it would be a great idea to switch my expensive moisturiser for fake tan cream. I'm going to work in 12 hours. I'm fluorescent orange. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 938

You deserved it 5 098

By smh - 13/05/2012 22:30 - United States - Sacramento

Today, if you live in California, you might have seen a crazy drunk guy naked in front of a McDonald's, waving at everyone. Yeah, that was probably me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 235

You deserved it 36 283

By Anonymous - 12/09/2012 07:00 - United States - Valencia

Today, I was pulled over. The cop stated that he "couldn't see" me because I had "blended in with the dark car background", and that it looked like no one was driving. I was literally pulled over for being black. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 468

You deserved it 4 534

By bitchyskier - 26/02/2011 21:36 - United States

Today, while waiting in line for the ski lift, the lady behind me kept stepping on my skis. Annoyed, I turned around and shouted at her "Get the f*ck off my skis!" Just as the last word escaped my mouth, I noticed that my skis were crossed and it was actually me stepping on them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 925

You deserved it 63 622

By IamTheSalt - 25/04/2017 02:00

Today, I got my grades back. They were all 98's and 99's with also a 104 (extra-credit). I got refused from entering an honors club, because it's "impossible to get above a hundred in a math class". I even got investigated for cheating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 042

You deserved it 368

By VeeDubDisaster - 17/01/2010 02:35 - United States

Today, I went to start my just bought '79 VW bus. I put my key in but stopped due to the strong gasoline smell. I went to check. Found puddle of gas. The previous owner figured duct taping a cracked tank was the same as fixing it. And didn't bother to share that tidbit with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 265

You deserved it 28 433

I don't wanna

By Anonymous - 11/10/2020 15:02 - Estonia

Today my mother, who was once shocked to realise that my older sister was having unmarried sex, told me to go and 'get some' because it's good for my health. I'm asexual. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 066

You deserved it 317

By Anonymous - 03/10/2012 04:39 - United States - Portland

Today, I was involved in a 5-way conversation about the movie Inception. I nodded and agreed with things that were said, but couldn't admit that despite having seen it 4 times, I still haven't the foggiest idea of how to explain what it's about. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 576

You deserved it 21 576

By Anonymous - 04/10/2010 19:59 - Canada

Today, my ex-girlfriend was having lunch with my parents. Believing she was in love with me and feeling the same, I dropped by. My parents told me that she’s their friend and that she has a boyfriend that they approve of, all while telling me I was never good enough for her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 479

You deserved it 4 837

By oxbbabexo - 14/04/2009 13:45 - United States

Today, I was talking to a guy I met online and have known for 4 years. I've fallen in love with him twice, one of those times being currently. He was supposed to visit this summer. I got an email from him saying he's really a 17 year old girl from Chesterfield, MO. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 002

You deserved it 93 788

By alliobamy - 28/09/2009 04:09 - United States

Today, I found an old friend of mine on Facebook. After adding her, I suggested friends for her. She ended up adding every single one I added, but not me. I later saw her ask one of those friends who the hell I was and how I knew all of them. We used to eat lunch together everyday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 952

You deserved it 3 064

Full of himself

By myfavoritesgouda - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States - Manhasset

Today, my boss gave me an autographed photo of himself, after he heard that I think he's intimidatingly attractive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 547

You deserved it 9 623

By Anonymous - 18/05/2013 19:27 - Mexico - Celaya

Today, I got my third promotion at work in as many years. My husband congratulated me very briefly, before asking if this meant he no longer had to look for a job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 351

You deserved it 5 088

By Anonymous - 02/06/2015 05:03

Today, I received a beautiful, heart-felt text from my boyfriend detailing all the ways he loved me. He probably should have emphasized just how big his heart is though because he sent the text to three other women too. Thank you, group messaging. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 477

You deserved it 2 570

By NoHamForMeThanks - 09/03/2015 02:36 - United States - Oak Ridge

Today, I was told that I need to learn to "let things go" by a woman who held a four-month grudge over a ham sandwich. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 508

You deserved it 2 599

Mixed signals

By Brianna Michelle Ferrell - 21/09/2019 20:00

Today, my boyfriend took me out to a fancy dinner. Halfway through, he said he wanted to break up. I started crying, but the whole restaurant thought he'd proposed, and started clapping. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 094

You deserved it 141

By hatemylife - 19/07/2011 06:24 - United States

Today, a group of girl-scouts came to my door selling chocolate bars. I bought 2 bars and smiled as they left, thinking I'd done a good deed. When the door closed, I heard one of the girls say, "Told you, the fat bitches always wanna buy from us." FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 880

You deserved it 6 904

By Saphira - 11/11/2009 06:43 - United States

Today, my dad's girlfriend threw me a birthday party and all the gifts, decorations, and the cake were according to my age, which they thought was 12. I turned 13 today. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 184

You deserved it 8 049

By trustyourfamily - 14/09/2015 22:56 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my boss bragged to a coworker, in front of me, about how much money he saved on a project because he majorly underpays me. My boss is my dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 949

You deserved it 2 254

Shave it off, own it!

By Anonymous - 15/05/2021 22:01 - United States

Today, like any other day for a year, I'm 17 years-old. Today, like any other day, I have my hair styled in a combover because I'm bald. FML

I agree, your life sucks 944

You deserved it 64

By busybee - 10/05/2009 03:38 - United States

Today, I went to the zoo with a guy I like, when we were there we saw a swarm of bees. I told him that if I got stung he would have to watch me because my dad is deathly allergic to bees and I have never been stung. Jokingly, he nudged me into the bush and said "let's see". We did. I'm allergic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 613

You deserved it 5 812

By Jif_Creamy - 28/02/2016 05:00 - United States - Washington

Today, at my college, someone snatched my laptop out of my hands, so I chased him. Turns out I'm so overweight and slow that he moonwalked away facing me, while I sprinted my heart out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 811

You deserved it 7 119

By Sherressa - 02/12/2013 20:04 - Ireland - Dublin

Today, I saw my friend's car in front of school. I'd had a bad day and just wanted to talk with her. I got in and sat down, and felt something squish beneath me. Turns out it wasn't actually my friend's car, and I'd just sat on a random woman's cake. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 563

You deserved it 28 004

What the Duck?

By duckyou - 02/04/2018 01:30

Today, on the way to class, I got distracted while watching some ducks and walked face-first into a concrete pole. I ended up with a black eye and three stitches. Even the nurse laughed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 589

You deserved it 1 329

By failedmusician - 03/06/2009 10:06 - New Zealand

Today, my band went to play a set for the first time. I'm the drummer. All was going well, and then before our first song I threw the sticks in the air, went to catch them, and one hit me right in the eye. I couldn't continue playing. Now I have to wear an eyepatch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 697

You deserved it 58 945

By Anonymous - 29/02/2012 16:52 - United States

Today, I rescued a cactus from a lethal fall. It thanked me with a handful of spines. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 372

You deserved it 32 909

By fuckmeitsgettingworse - 24/02/2014 19:36 - United Kingdom - Derby

Today, my pregnant wife's parents called me at work, saying she'd been crying inconsolably and wouldn't say what was wrong. After pleading with my boss, I rushed home. Turns out there was an "ugly" sofa in a TV ad and she felt it was "picking on ugly sofas". FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 392

You deserved it 4 626

By kaleigh - 31/05/2011 17:01 - United States

Today, as I was walking out of a restaurant with my boyfriend, I saw some guys checking me out. One of them walked up to my boyfriend and said, "Dude, you and your girlfriend have matching moustaches!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 725

You deserved it 10 159

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Top comments

jinxthejinx 0

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Monday 21 March 2011 0:57

Looks like you relied heavily on your thesaurus to write this FML. Unless you usually speak using awkward, slightly out-of-context high school vocabulary words.

The_grumpy_bear 0

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Sunday 20 March 2011 23:33

I guess for next time you will clean out your toaster more often.

hoodsie 0

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Sunday 20 March 2011 23:33

That sucks bro. :(

tulsafml 0

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Monday 21 March 2011 0:50

Your mom!

maa_rico 4

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Monday 21 March 2011 4:38

But then again your mom does too.

vgameson 0

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Monday 21 March 2011 5:41

I hope OP didn't die. jk

hobojo11 0

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Monday 21 March 2011 7:49

thats what he gets for shuving bread in the toaster the brave little thing went outnin a band and took your cheep ass freniture with it

The_grumpy_bear 0

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Sunday 20 March 2011 23:33

I guess for next time you will clean out your toaster more often.

bigmarkie2 3

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Sunday 20 March 2011 23:38

^Agreed, cleaning fail. All you really gotta do is flip it over and shake it out once in a while.

tpreston 0

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Sunday 20 March 2011 23:51

haha. wait caught light?

SilenceIsSilver 0

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Monday 21 March 2011 0:11

Ikr!? Love the way this fml is worded:p

tulsafml 0

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Monday 21 March 2011 1:02

YDI for burning a perfect toaster strudel!

Agiggleaday 0

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Monday 21 March 2011 1:04

Hope your not blaming the toaster for it, OP

122409 0

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Monday 21 March 2011 1:31

that is one dirty iPod.

stormer461 13

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Monday 21 March 2011 2:33

YDI for writing like a retard.

dusty209 0

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Monday 21 March 2011 3:02

why the fuck is there a warm appliance on a wood bench. that will bring the whole house down if it catches "light"!!

BlackOpsPWNR 0

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Monday 21 March 2011 3:09

lolz, the OPs name(not really) is thebravelittletoaster

ericownz101 0

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Monday 21 March 2011 6:01

lol the estranged crumbs? why do i get the feeling these crumbs should be in a straight jacket..

swagchamp 0

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Monday 21 March 2011 7:15

hahahhahahaahaha 25. WIN

deliciouscake 3

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Monday 21 March 2011 8:05

keep a fire extinguisher in your kitchen like many smart people

abes22 0

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Monday 21 March 2011 13:32

estranged crumbs.. use a dictionary next time.

memo619 0

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Sunday 20 March 2011 23:35

ouch, this is another reason why I don't cook I'm afraid that imma burn the house down

fthku 13

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Monday 21 March 2011 0:10

Using a toaster is cooking?

ipwnlosers 4

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Monday 21 March 2011 0:44

16- Reference win!!! :D

Agiggleaday 0

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Monday 21 March 2011 1:06

16, pretty eyes :)

69_jackson_69 0

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Sunday 20 March 2011 23:36

Hmm... Toaster Strudel.

Zebidee 8

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Monday 21 March 2011 1:46

Why is everyone saying 'toaster strudel'? Don't you people ever use a toaster for - I don't know - making toast?

dirtyblond 4

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Monday 21 March 2011 4:29

or waffles!(>'-')>#

SnailFist 5

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Monday 21 March 2011 5:09

Or toaster strudels...

lilduke22 0

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Monday 21 March 2011 5:33

hell yA

bigmarkie2 3

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Sunday 20 March 2011 23:40

My apologies...I don't know why, but it double commented for some reason, this was suppose to be a response to the first comment xD

ugliness 6

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Sunday 20 March 2011 23:47

I've never cleaned my toaster o.O

wisericky 12

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Sunday 20 March 2011 23:51

get Docbastard to make you a new bench, he likes to work with wood. hehe

dirtyblond 4

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Monday 21 March 2011 1:05

hehehehe

giantsfan2010 23

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Monday 21 March 2011 0:11

Well, what did you think was gonna happen?

jawman 0

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Monday 21 March 2011 6:22

lol

misstamz 0

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Monday 21 March 2011 0:16

Hey it could've been worse you know.

xoxoMEGANxoxo 13

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Monday 21 March 2011 2:03

true and cute kitty! (;

MyMuse7 0

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Monday 21 March 2011 0:41

shake it like a Polaroid picture

Nearly

Today, I live in Turkey and the dollar has risen to 13 lira. Just turks understand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19

You deserved it 4

Today, I realized the cute girl with a nice ass, long hair and a great personality I've been talking to is actually a very gay dude. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17

You deserved it 43

Spicy

Today, I had a horrible date with this guy I’ve been seeing. He wanted me to give it up, but I wasn’t ready, so he dumped me on the spot. I went home crying to my mother and her response was, “Stop being such a prude! What are you? Ten? Grow the fuck up!” Thanks mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 793

You deserved it 156

Today, my wife and I had arranged a threesome with a guy, but I was late home so they “had the threesome without me.” It’s not cheating, because I obviously knew she was going to have sex with him during the threesome, but me not being there makes me mad and I can’t coherently explain why. FML

I agree, your life sucks 976

You deserved it 1 212

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