Today, the estranged crumbs in my toaster caught light while...

By thebravelittletoaster - 20/3/2011 20:32 - United Kingdom

Today, the estranged crumbs in my toaster caught light while I was making breakfast. The toast, toaster, and my wooden bench are now little more than collateral damage. FML

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Miscellaneous

Family values

Peaky Bladders

Don't you know that you're toxic?

By framed - 2/4/2016 12:30 - United States - Portsmouth

Today, I was chatting with a new guy at work. He cracked a joke about me and I jokingly gave him a light push on the shoulder. Half a second after I touched him, he threw himself back and hit the floor yelling in "pain". Now I'm suspended because of this psycho. FML

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By ShootMe - 7/9/2017 23:15

All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy

Today, a high maintenance client informed me that he wants 50+ pages of new content added to his website "now". He doesn't understand that I also have 30+ other clients to write for. I'm wondering if I can charge him for my new anxiety meds. FML

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By buttcrack - 18/2/2010 05:31 - United States

Today, I got fired. To make things worse, I had to sit in three-hour bumper to bumper traffic, waiting for a wreck to clear on my way home. In front of me was a fat man with a hairy butt crack on a motorcycle. I was forced to stare at a fat, underwear-less man's ass for 3 hours. FML

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By -_- - 22/4/2015 15:06 - United States - Amherst

Today, my boss gave me the job of dealing with the guys doing the roofing at our store. His reasoning is that since we're all Hispanic, I'm perfect for the job because "You guys all know each other." FML

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By Anonymous - 29/10/2009 20:38 - United States

Today, I work as a cashier, and Iike always I asked the customer paying credit to sign the "sheet" of paper. I recieved a dirty look from one woman who apparently talked to the manager about me, saying I had asked her to sign the "shitty" paper. I have now been warned for "derogatory language." FML

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By RogerReady - 31/1/2009 05:37 - United States

Today, I was offered a job. It only took me a year and 17 interviews to get an offer, and I have a PhD. FML

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By shanson - 7/11/2016 14:06 - United States - San Antonio

Today, my mother lectured me for not spending enough time with her. We literally just got back from a 10 day vacation together. FML

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By imarriedanaxemurderer - 18/6/2013 05:01 - United States - Joliet

Today, my husband was in our newborn's room, holding and talking to him. I guess he forgot the baby monitor, because I overheard him say, "Wanna know a secret? Daddy kills people." I really hope he was just quoting Dexter. FML

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By ashleyevans - 4/4/2009 14:45 - United States

Today, my friend and I went to a really expensive restaurant. We got really bad service, so halfway through the meal we decided to dine-and-dash. Turns out I left my purse in the restaurant. With my I.D. and everything inside. FML

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By clair_brodie - 4/7/2019 20:00

Today, as I was putting some dishes away, I spilled water on the floor. While walking around the dishwasher, I slipped on said water, and after going to urgent care, found out I tore my meniscus. FML

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By manymisfortunes - 4/10/2014 05:43 - Canada - Lachine

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to have a quickie in the car. We had left a window open so it wasn't too hot, and I was holding onto the edge of the window, fingers hanging over. In the midst of it all, my boyfriend managed to close the window by hitting the button. My finger is broken. FML

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By jellybean_94 - 15/8/2009 04:33 - Canada

Today, I found out that my parents are first cousins. FML

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By lopsided - 14/12/2014 07:56 - United States - Gainesville

Today, I was informed that my uneven facial features make me seem "untrustworthy." Glad to know my unchangeable physical appearance doubles as a character flaw. FML

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By badenoughflowers - 14/1/2013 15:47 - United States - Ben Wheeler

Today, my girlfriend returned home from a several week vacation with family. Instead of a happy reunion, I was terribly emasculated, publicly, for bringing flowers that "weren't as pretty as all the other couples' in baggage claim." FML

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By Anonymous - 13/5/2013 05:02 - United States

Today, my girlfriend was visiting, and while in the bathroom, she clogged the toilet. Since there was no plunger in the room, she unclogged it with the only thing she could find: my mother's hairbrush. FML

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By anonymous - 17/9/2011 07:44 - United States

Today, I had leg surgery. While I was recovering in the hospital, my boyfriend dumped me. I then had to ride home, a 2 hour drive, listening to my mother and aunt tell me he was the best thing to happen to me and I will never find a better man. Then the morphine wore off. FML

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By "BunnysKitty" - 15/9/2017 23:15

Today, per my boyfriend's request, I bought some lingerie. He got so excited when he saw me, he ripped it off me right away. After we were done he used it to clean up. I essentially bought a $40 cum rag. FML

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By Depression... - 10/10/2012 06:01 - United States

Today, I had my first orgasm. Unfortunately, it was during breakup sex. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/12/2012 08:30 - United States - Evergreen

Today, I unwrapped my present and, to my surprise, I had gotten a repair manual for my truck. Apparently, my parents are "Tired of seeing that piece of shit in front of our house." FML

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By theamericandream - 25/1/2009 13:07 - United States

Today, my boyfriend asked me to set up his new Mac and transfer all the pictures from his old notebook. Seems like he forgot that when he went on vacation 2 months ago he took pictures of him getting it on with another guy. We've been together for 3 years and just moved in together. FML

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By anna - 31/10/2013 18:27 - United States - Hattiesburg

Today, I had to take my 15-year-old son to the hospital. He'd gone out dressed as some My Little Pony character and encountered someone who'd had the same idea. They then got into a fistfight, and my son got the shit beaten out of him. I wish I'd never bred. FML

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By AD240Z - 16/12/2016 11:39

Today, while walking my dog in the darkness, I bent down to pick up his poop. I screamed like a little girl as his morning turd leapt up my arm, covering my hand and jacket sleeve in soggy poop. My dog had curled one out onto a dozing frog. I skipped breakfast. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/1/2016 00:24 - United States - San Francisco

Today, after weeks of watching Michael Jackson videos non-stop, my boyfriend learned how to moonwalk. Now he does it literally everywhere. I can't even cross the street without him moonwalking behind me. FML

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By now my watch begins - 31/7/2017 04:00 - United States - Simi Valley

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me for sneezing too many times during Game of Thrones. FML

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By broke bitch - 23/6/2015 04:15 - United States - Hampton

Today, I got a call from my cable company in regards to a bill I didn't pay. I paid the bill two weeks ago in full, but they never told me the account changed when my name was put on the account. So now I owe $170 more, and my ex-roommate is getting a $140 refund in the mail. FML

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By pissed - 17/12/2013 21:17 - United States

Today, my husband called me from the store, trying to decide whether or not to buy the new games console he's been wanting. I'd already purchased one and hid it, ready for Christmas Day. I couldn't talk him into not buying himself one. There goes a $500 surprise. FML

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By shit Music - 30/6/2016 07:32 - Slovenia - Ljubljana

Today, I forgot my headphones at home. When I got to work I found out that today was also the day the band next door had decided to practice their only song for 8 hours. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/2/2016 22:31 - United States - Malden

Today, my idiot neighbor decided the best way to dispose of the poison ivy in his yard was to pile it all up and burn it. I'm severely allergic. It was so bad that one of my eyes is still swollen half shut. FML

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By Squeezebox - 30/8/2017 08:00 - United States - Missoula

Today, my son ruined our fairly new 60 inch smart TV by giving it a bath with his squirt gun. FML

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By ps3isbetterthanme - 11/12/2009 16:44 - United Kingdom

Today, I woke up and my boyfriend was already awake. Feeling in the mood I slipped off my nightdress and looked him in the eye. He looked me up and down, smiled seductively, reached over... and turned his PS3 on. FML

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By English - 1/12/2008 03:25 - Australia

Today, I asked my girlfriend if she wanted to go to the movies. She replies, "Sorry I have to do stuff with my parents" Her mum calls and by mistake my girlfriend pressed loud speaker, the first thing her mum said was "Be back at 11". FML

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By kronic1990 - 14/1/2015 15:35 - United Kingdom

Today, I tripped over a "wet floor" sign at work and hit the floor hard. The floor wasn't even wet. FML

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By unknown - 26/2/2012 13:53 - United States

Today, I gave my little brother my iPhone so he could play a game. I soon forgot about it, and when I got it back two hours later, there was pudding and a couple of big cracks in it. FML

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By barman - 17/7/2010 20:51 - Australia

Today, while working at the bar, I was having a flawless night. Every pour was perfect, every shot expertly measured. I saw my manager for the first time that night, turned to greet him, and knocked over a tray of 30 or so glasses. Two remained unbroken. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/9/2012 06:43 - United States - Woodinville

Today, my wife knows tattoos are a huge turnoff for me. She decided the best way to change my mind about them would be to get one. Across her neck. Of our dog's name. FML

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By lions214 - 11/1/2012 01:40 - United States

Today, at work at a store, I was sitting on the floor stocking a bottom shelf. A woman in a motorized cart did not see me, and ran over my hand. When I alerted her about what she had done she laughed. FML

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By sheyshey0413 - 13/6/2011 17:05 - United States

Today, I realized that my boyfriend will only have sex with me if I am on my stomach and not revealing my face. FML

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By - 2/1/2009 18:06 - France

Today, I have dark hairs growing on my chest, nipples and stomach... I'm a 19 year old girl. FML

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By itsme - 8/7/2019 04:00

Today, we got a letter regarding my sister's college career and an appointment she was required to go to. This seems fitting, since she's a senior in high school, or at least she would be if she hadn't passed away a little over a year ago. FML

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By nyebust - 1/1/2011 05:18 - United States

Today, my grandmother drunk dialed me at midnight to wish me a happy new year. I was already in bed. My grandmother has a better social life than I do. FML

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Top comments

By jinxthejinx | 0

#2212899 - Monday 21 March 2011 0:57

Looks like you relied heavily on your thesaurus to write this FML. Unless you usually speak using awkward, slightly out-of-context high school vocabulary words.

By The_grumpy_bear | 0

#2212373 - Sunday 20 March 2011 23:33

I guess for next time you will clean out your toaster more often.

COMMENTS

By hoodsie | 0

#2212366 - Sunday 20 March 2011 23:33

That sucks bro. :(

tulsafml | 0

#2212851 - Monday 21 March 2011 0:50

Your mom!

maa_rico | 4

#2214420 - Monday 21 March 2011 4:38

But then again your mom does too.

vgameson | 0

#2214683 - Monday 21 March 2011 5:41

I hope OP didn't die. jk

hobojo11 | 0

#2215143 - Monday 21 March 2011 7:49

thats what he gets for shuving bread in the toaster
the brave little thing went outnin a band and took your cheep ass freniture with it

By The_grumpy_bear | 0

#2212373 - Sunday 20 March 2011 23:33

I guess for next time you will clean out your toaster more often.

bigmarkie2 | 3

#2212407 - Sunday 20 March 2011 23:38

^Agreed, cleaning fail. All you really gotta do is flip it over and shake it out once in a while.

tpreston | 0

#2212492 - Sunday 20 March 2011 23:51

haha. wait caught light?

SilenceIsSilver | 0

#2212597 - Monday 21 March 2011 0:11

Ikr!? Love the way this fml is worded:p

tulsafml | 0

#2212930 - Monday 21 March 2011 1:02

YDI for burning a perfect toaster strudel!

Agiggleaday | 0

#2212938 - Monday 21 March 2011 1:04

Hope your not blaming the toaster for it, OP

122409 | 0

#2213086 - Monday 21 March 2011 1:31

that is one dirty iPod.

stormer461 | 13

#2213301 - Monday 21 March 2011 2:33

YDI for writing like a retard.

dusty209 | 0

#2213435 - Monday 21 March 2011 3:02

why the fuck is there a warm appliance on a wood bench. that will bring the whole house down if it catches "light"!!

BlackOpsPWNR | 0

#2213470 - Monday 21 March 2011 3:09

lolz, the OPs name(not really) is thebravelittletoaster

ericownz101 | 0

#2214772 - Monday 21 March 2011 6:01

lol the estranged crumbs? why do i get the feeling these crumbs should be in a straight jacket..

swagchamp | 0

#2215044 - Monday 21 March 2011 7:15

hahahhahahaahaha 25. WIN

deliciouscake | 3

#2215193 - Monday 21 March 2011 8:05

keep a fire extinguisher in your kitchen like many smart people

abes22 | 0

#2216134 - Monday 21 March 2011 13:32

estranged crumbs.. use a dictionary next time.

By memo619 | 0

#2212383 - Sunday 20 March 2011 23:35

ouch, this is another reason why I don't cook
I'm afraid that imma burn the house down

fthku | 13

#2212589 - Monday 21 March 2011 0:10

Using a toaster is cooking?

ipwnlosers | 4

#2212806 - Monday 21 March 2011 0:44

16- Reference win!!! :D

Agiggleaday | 0

#2212950 - Monday 21 March 2011 1:06

16, pretty eyes :)

By 69_jackson_69 | 0

#2212392 - Sunday 20 March 2011 23:36

Hmm... Toaster Strudel.

Zebidee | 8

#2213155 - Monday 21 March 2011 1:46

Why is everyone saying 'toaster strudel'? Don't you people ever use a toaster for - I don't know - making toast?

dirtyblond | 4

#2214387 - Monday 21 March 2011 4:29

or waffles!(>'-')>#

SnailFist | 5

#2214543 - Monday 21 March 2011 5:09

Or toaster strudels...

lilduke22 | 0

#2214642 - Monday 21 March 2011 5:33

hell yA

By bigmarkie2 | 3

#2212415 - Sunday 20 March 2011 23:40

My apologies...I don't know why, but it double commented for some reason, this was suppose to be a response to the first comment xD

By ugliness | 6

#2212475 - Sunday 20 March 2011 23:47

I've never cleaned my toaster o.O

By wisericky | 12

#2212488 - Sunday 20 March 2011 23:51

get Docbastard to make you a new bench, he likes to work with wood. hehe

dirtyblond | 4

#2212953 - Monday 21 March 2011 1:05

hehehehe

By giantsfan2010 | 23

#2212595 - Monday 21 March 2011 0:11

Well, what did you think was gonna happen?

jawman | 0

#2214822 - Monday 21 March 2011 6:22

lol

By misstamz | 0

#2212623 - Monday 21 March 2011 0:16

Hey it could've been worse you know.

xoxoMEGANxoxo | 13

#2213217 - Monday 21 March 2011 2:03

true and cute kitty! (;

By MyMuse7 | 0

#2212768 - Monday 21 March 2011 0:41

shake it like a Polaroid picture