Today, the estranged crumbs in my toaster caught light while...

By thebravelittletoaster - United Kingdom

Today, the estranged crumbs in my toaster caught light while I was making breakfast. The toast, toaster, and my wooden bench are now little more than collateral damage. FML

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Miscellaneous

Generosity

F*** my overweight life

Family values

By Anonymous

Today, after a year of living with my girlfriend, I came to the conclusion that I'm never going to marry her. I packed my things, wished her well in her life, and loaded everything up into my car. It's been working fine up until this afternoon. Now it won't start. FML

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By TrainedBF - United States

Today, my girlfriend, who is a dog trainer, was telling me all about the techniques she uses at work. I commented on how the dogs must be stupid to fall for such simple tricks, to which she replied "They worked on you." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - North Las Vegas

Today, I started my new job as a repossession agent. While attempting to repo a boat, we came across a young couple. The woman was very annoying, and even hit another agent, so I threatened to throw her in the water if she touched him again. I ended up in the water instead. FML

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By - 29/2/2020 14:00

Why I did that?

Today, I was trying to shave down there. I'm about 6 months pregnant, and I can't see past my belly. I ended up scaring the crap out of myself into thinking I was miscarrying until my baby kicked and I realized I had just accidentally cut myself with the razor. FML

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By Herestheskinny

Today, I was helping a women that was looking for skin care products. She kept commenting on the look and "texture" of my skin in a very creepy and almost hungry fashion. I'm afraid that she wants to skin me. FML

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By thebabysitter - United States

Today, I just got done watching my cousin's two kids for four days while they were on vacation. I fed, clothed, and bathed them for four days of hell and got paid with a $5 shark tooth necklace from the Bahamas. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had a long conversation with my fiancé about how smoking menthol cigarettes is not a substitute for brushing your teeth. He still isn't convinced. FML

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By batman - 4/7/2020 02:02

How do magnets work?

Today, I found out I was qualified to go to a magnet school. My mom threw the papers away, claiming she thinks I shouldn't be with "rich and snobby" people. She grew up as a rich snob and has a fortune waiting for her when her parents die, and she brags about it. FML

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By Is McDonald's Hiring?

Today, I was sternly told that if I didn't pass more students, I would be out of a job. I then went to my class to collect papers, and was stymied by how I could be giving passing grades to the 12 of 24 who didn't turn anything in. College students. FML

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By polimeros - Mexico - Quer?taro

Today, I had to excuse myself from the classroom so I could have a quick wank. This was because I somehow got extremely horny during a lesson on frog reproduction. FML

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By eamiller - United States - Franklin

Today, I was complimented on my freckles. I don't actually have freckles, just a load of blackheads that won't go away. FML

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By fordn4h - United States

Today, my ex-girlfriend, who is obviously still in love with me, is best friends with my mom. Now every time I come home, she is over. She even spent 4 hours helping us decorate our Christmas tree, and now she is telling my little sister about our love life. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, despite all my begging for him to at least be civil, my son started his eulogy at his dad's funeral with the words, “Let me tell you a few things about the bastard in the coffin over there.” It only got worse. FML

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By grant b - United States

Today, my boss asked if he could pay me in guns. FML

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By Sun_Kissed18 - United States - Hillsborough

Today, at my job at a frozen yogurt shop, an elderly woman gladly announced that I'd be seeing a lot of her due to the vaginal infection that she has. Thank you for that, ma'am. FML

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By hatelittleboys - United States

Today, I was playing FarmTown and got into a fight with a 14 year old boy. I threatened him with physical violence, and he reported me. I'm 23 years old and got banned from a virtual farming game for threatening children. FML

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8959

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By ouagadougou - United States

Today, I rolled over a curb and bent one of the signs that read "Please Park Here After Your Road Test," at the DMV, because my foot slipped off the brake just before I put the car in park, which would've ended my Test. The first words out of the examiner's mouth were, "Well you would've passed." FML

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By Cat Ashes - United States - Dewitt

Today, I received an unexpected package from my mother. It contained my cat's ashes. Apparently he died 3 weeks ago and she thought this was the best way to tell me. FML

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43655

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By Kara - United States

Today, my downstairs neighbor had a home birth. Not only did I hear eighteen hours of uninterrupted screaming, they called me afterwards, asking if I could come over to help them clean up. FML

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By spenmy - United States

Today, it was a little colder than it should be for this time of year, and as a result I was using the heater in my car. Apparently within the last four months, a mouse managed to make his way into my heater vent and die. I can not get the smell of death out of my car. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/4/2020 23:00

What's your emergency?

Today, I found out that because I'm a cop, my 5-year-old son thinks the only way he can contact me is by calling 911. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/8/2020 20:04

Generosity

Today, my granny died. My aunt wants to throw away all her books and furniture. When I offered to take care of selling it, or giving it away, like granny would have wanted, my aunt said she would let me "keep a percentage" of the few bucks I’d get for my troubles. FML

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By Chops - United States

Today, I was walking from my office to the place i had parked my car, a distance of approximately three blocks. As I was about to round the last corner I was forced to dive out of the way of a speeding car. As I looked up, I noticed that it was my car. FML

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By fuckadaisical - United Kingdom - Pontypridd

Today, my boyfriend's idea of foreplay was to offer to make lunch, leave the room for a few minutes, then come back with no clothes on and offer me a "cockmeat sandwich". FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Solon Springs

Today, a customer punched me in the face for repeating their order back to them because they thought I was making fun of their speech impediment. I have the same speech impediment. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was at my job as a fitting room attendant and I checked a woman and her young son in. After several minutes, they left, saying there was lipstick on the mirror. Not only was it all over two mirrors, but also on the wall, the floor and the carpet. The whole place smelled of lip-balm and I was left to clean it up. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I asked my parents if I had a college fund because I will be going to university in two years. They laughed. FML

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By roommateprobssss:( - United States

Today, my roommate pressed "snooze" on his alarm 14 times. I counted. FML

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By Tor - United States

Today, I was in class and felt a sharp pain in my stomach. I began to scream and cry because the pain was horrible, so the teacher called 911. After being rushed to the hospital, I was told that "I had gas cramps and would be fine." My whole class was listening on speakerphone to make sure I was ok. FML

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By achoo-plop - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, I learned that the only way for me to have a complete bowel movement is to blow my nose at the same time. However, I learned this while standing in my girlfriend's kitchen. FML

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By IcyWinter - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, I had to tell my daughter that just because markers say "washable", it doesn't mean that you can draw all over our newly-painted walls. She's 15. FML

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By Sickie. - United States

Today, I had a stomach virus. I tried to make myself throw up to feel better. My long nails sliced open my throat from the inside, and I threw up blood. FML

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By ummPORQUE - United States

Today, I found out that the guy i've been having sex with for over a month didn't know my name until today. No wonder he always ever called me 'baby.' FML

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By Anonymous - 5/11/2020 20:01

Check this

Today, I went in for a routine check up. I also found out I have an incurable STD and that I’m pregnant. I’ve been married to my husband for 7 years and have never had sex with anyone else in my entire life. FML

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By Macdaddy - France

Today, I attended my first meeting with my bosses. For lunch we went to a restaurant. I choked on a piece of meat and couldn't breathe anymore. I had to take that piece of meat out of my throat with my fingers, and then put it back on my plate all chewed up. FML

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By horselover7766 - United States - Sewell

Today, my brother and I were shoveling mulch. He pushed me in and then ran away, laughing hysterically. I was stuck in the mulch, and no one would help. I was literally in deep shit. FML

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24379

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my toddler peed in his potty for the first time. He was so excited to show me that he flung the pot in the air dousing my face with his piss. Then he laughed. FML

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By Numbnuts - United States

Today, I was really bored and decided to annoy my mom while she was doing the dishes. I walked up behind her, touched her shoulder, and said "Poke". She then donkey kicks me straight in the nuts saying "Kick". I know now to never bug my mom when she's in a bad mood. FML

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By markymark - United States

Today, I took a final for my law class. As I was taking the test, I noticed the girl on my left copying off me. I wrote all the wrong answers on my sheet while writing the correct answers on my desk hoping she would copy the wrong answers down. I forgot to write the correct answers on my test. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lincoln

Today, I asked my dad why he only has pictures of me from when I was a little kid. Without skipping a beat, he said, "I only keep pictures from when I liked you." FML

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Top comments

By jinxthejinx | 0

#2212899 - Monday 21 March 2011 0:57

Looks like you relied heavily on your thesaurus to write this FML. Unless you usually speak using awkward, slightly out-of-context high school vocabulary words.

By The_grumpy_bear | 0

#2212373 - Sunday 20 March 2011 23:33

I guess for next time you will clean out your toaster more often.

COMMENTS

By hoodsie | 0

#2212366 - Sunday 20 March 2011 23:33

That sucks bro. :(

tulsafml | 0

#2212851 - Monday 21 March 2011 0:50

Your mom!

maa_rico | 4

#2214420 - Monday 21 March 2011 4:38

But then again your mom does too.

vgameson | 0

#2214683 - Monday 21 March 2011 5:41

I hope OP didn't die. jk

hobojo11 | 0

#2215143 - Monday 21 March 2011 7:49

thats what he gets for shuving bread in the toaster
the brave little thing went outnin a band and took your cheep ass freniture with it

By The_grumpy_bear | 0

#2212373 - Sunday 20 March 2011 23:33

I guess for next time you will clean out your toaster more often.

bigmarkie2 | 3

#2212407 - Sunday 20 March 2011 23:38

^Agreed, cleaning fail. All you really gotta do is flip it over and shake it out once in a while.

tpreston | 0

#2212492 - Sunday 20 March 2011 23:51

haha. wait caught light?

SilenceIsSilver | 0

#2212597 - Monday 21 March 2011 0:11

Ikr!? Love the way this fml is worded:p

tulsafml | 0

#2212930 - Monday 21 March 2011 1:02

YDI for burning a perfect toaster strudel!

Agiggleaday | 0

#2212938 - Monday 21 March 2011 1:04

Hope your not blaming the toaster for it, OP

122409 | 0

#2213086 - Monday 21 March 2011 1:31

that is one dirty iPod.

stormer461 | 13

#2213301 - Monday 21 March 2011 2:33

YDI for writing like a retard.

dusty209 | 0

#2213435 - Monday 21 March 2011 3:02

why the fuck is there a warm appliance on a wood bench. that will bring the whole house down if it catches "light"!!

BlackOpsPWNR | 0

#2213470 - Monday 21 March 2011 3:09

lolz, the OPs name(not really) is thebravelittletoaster

ericownz101 | 0

#2214772 - Monday 21 March 2011 6:01

lol the estranged crumbs? why do i get the feeling these crumbs should be in a straight jacket..

swagchamp | 0

#2215044 - Monday 21 March 2011 7:15

hahahhahahaahaha 25. WIN

deliciouscake | 3

#2215193 - Monday 21 March 2011 8:05

keep a fire extinguisher in your kitchen like many smart people

abes22 | 0

#2216134 - Monday 21 March 2011 13:32

estranged crumbs.. use a dictionary next time.

By memo619 | 0

#2212383 - Sunday 20 March 2011 23:35

ouch, this is another reason why I don't cook
I'm afraid that imma burn the house down

fthku | 13

#2212589 - Monday 21 March 2011 0:10

Using a toaster is cooking?

ipwnlosers | 4

#2212806 - Monday 21 March 2011 0:44

16- Reference win!!! :D

Agiggleaday | 0

#2212950 - Monday 21 March 2011 1:06

16, pretty eyes :)

By 69_jackson_69 | 0

#2212392 - Sunday 20 March 2011 23:36

Hmm... Toaster Strudel.

Zebidee | 8

#2213155 - Monday 21 March 2011 1:46

Why is everyone saying 'toaster strudel'? Don't you people ever use a toaster for - I don't know - making toast?

dirtyblond | 4

#2214387 - Monday 21 March 2011 4:29

or waffles!(>'-')>#

SnailFist | 5

#2214543 - Monday 21 March 2011 5:09

Or toaster strudels...

lilduke22 | 0

#2214642 - Monday 21 March 2011 5:33

hell yA

By bigmarkie2 | 3

#2212415 - Sunday 20 March 2011 23:40

My apologies...I don't know why, but it double commented for some reason, this was suppose to be a response to the first comment xD

By ugliness | 6

#2212475 - Sunday 20 March 2011 23:47

I've never cleaned my toaster o.O

By wisericky | 12

#2212488 - Sunday 20 March 2011 23:51

get Docbastard to make you a new bench, he likes to work with wood. hehe

dirtyblond | 4

#2212953 - Monday 21 March 2011 1:05

hehehehe

By giantsfan2010 | 23

#2212595 - Monday 21 March 2011 0:11

Well, what did you think was gonna happen?

jawman | 0

#2214822 - Monday 21 March 2011 6:22

lol

By misstamz | 0

#2212623 - Monday 21 March 2011 0:16

Hey it could've been worse you know.

xoxoMEGANxoxo | 13

#2213217 - Monday 21 March 2011 2:03

true and cute kitty! (;

By MyMuse7 | 0

#2212768 - Monday 21 March 2011 0:41

shake it like a Polaroid picture