Today, I enjoyed a lovely family dinner, but my irritating grandma kept trying to buy my purse off me, and kept picking it up to look at it. When I got home I realized all my cash and cigarettes were gone. FML
Today, I was in a hurry trying to get into my locker, but it stuck. After a few frustrating attempts, I finally managed to get it open. In anger, I threw the door open, but it bounced back and hit me in the head. My natural reflex was to jerk forward, giving myself a black eye from the hook inside. I got in a fight with my locker and lost. FML
Today, I had a dream where I was having the best sex of my life. With Donald Trump. My boyfriend hasn't stopped laughing. FML
Today, I fell in love with a girl who used to love me. She doesn't anymore. FML
Today, I discovered that just because I got my braces removed does not mean my painful mouth ulcers will stop. I now have them under my tongue. I can't even lick my lips. FML
Today, my boyfriend told me he loves me. Instead of saying it back, I had a panic attack. FML
Today, my mom screeched at me about my pillowcase being dirty and finished off one long rant with an irate, "Who raised you to be such a pig?" Her anger multiplied by ten when I asked if it was a trick question. FML
Today, I decided it would be pretty amusing to press the "Like" button on everyone's status on Facebook without reading them just to get on peoples' nerves. After re-reading them later, I found out one of them said "I MISS YOU SOO MUCH GRANDMOM. RIP". I liked that her grandmother died. FML
Today, it was my turn to take out the trash. While walking to the dumpster, I slip and fall. It doesn't really hurt, so I get up and go to the dumpster, but the top is frozen stuck. It won't budge. Then I really pull with a lot of force, and the lid swings open and busts my nose. FML
Today, I accidentally sprayed some perfume in my eye. After rinsing said burning eye with water for a few minutes, I half-blindly grabbed the eyedrops my sister left on the counter and used some. They were actually tea tree oil drops. Ouch. FML
Today, I decided to get my ass in shape and went to the gym. I got motion-sickness on the elliptical. FML
Today, my boyfriend called. He said he would sing me a song, like I'd wanted for a long time. I was excited, but surprised at his song choice. He sang 'Locked Away' by R. City ft. Adam Levine. Turns out, he was calling me from jail. He thought this was romantic, and expected me to bail him out. FML
ishred1111 tells us more.
ishred1111 14
Thanks for all the funny comments! They made me feel better when I'm not actually feeling that great, considering what my boyfriend turned out to be like.... Speaking of which, I totally agree with most of you. Yes, I hung up on him and no, I did not bail him out. I think his sister did in the end. His fate and what he actually did to get arrested are unknown to me, honestly I just knew we were done the second he finished the song and then said 'so, babe, can you bail me out?' Never thought he could be like this. Very disappointed in him. But still thoroughly impressed at his singing (he recited it perfectly). :) thanks guys!!
Today, I decided to help the homeless by giving them old clothes and food. In return, they decided to mug me. FML
Today, after many years of being single, I finally worked up the courage to ask my coworker out. He said no and gave me "fair warning" that he's going to report me for sexual harassment. FML
Today, I used the restrooms at the shopping mall. The cleaning lady stepped in after me, immediately turned around and very demonstratively started spraying air freshener. FML
Today, my husband admitted to me that he has a mental block about touching my boobs, because he's afraid that breast milk is going to spurt out at him. I had my son 5 months ago and I don't breast feed. FML
Today, my husband and I were getting frisky. All was going well until I decided to go down on him, causing him to freak out, thinking I was going for his butt, ending the night with a black eye from being knee'd in the face. FML
Today, I received a notice that my boyfriend had given me a rose via Happy Aquarium on Facebook. It came with a date cancellation so that he and his friends could play BioShock. FML
Today, it was my birthday and I have no children. My father bluntly says, "Well, I guess if I get any grand-babies out of you now, they will have Down's Syndrome." I just turned 30. FML
Today, I went to have dinner with my girlfriend and her family. It got silent, so, noticing her legs were darker than they were a few hours ago, I wanted to ask her if she used tanning lotion. I ended up asking her if her legs were fake. Her dad has prosthetic legs. FML
Today, after therapy for obsessing over every woman who talks to me, all I could think about was how I could seduce my therapist. I think I still need a lot of help. FML
Today, my girlfriend told me she didn't want to get it on with me because she didn't want to "ruin my innocence." FML
Today, I, along with two cops and another paramedic, had to fight to pin down some total scumsucker. He was high out of his mind on god knows what, in his underwear, screaming like a maniac outside someone else's house at 2 in the morning. I don't get paid nearly enough for this shit. FML
Today, I was having sex with a girl. While we were fooling around, she started squeezing my cheeks and told me I remind her of her son. FML
Today, I realized that the only time I've ever been noticed by my classmates is when I brought cake for the potluck. FML
Today, I was swimming with my friends at the local pool. My friend pushed me under, and as I came up for air, my hand stroked a hairy leg. It turns out I had caressed the leg of an old man who had been swimming laps. He spent the next half hour creepily smiling at me. FML
Today, I had to make a poster for social studies. I decided to write "Nice ass" in hieroglyphics. Turns out my teacher can read hieroglyphics. FML
Today, I discovered my employer is advertising for a contractor position within my team performing basically the same role as myself. Except the pay is seven times more. FML
Today, my mother-in-law got her driver's license, despite being prone to fainting, seizures, and being on so much medication that she sometimes forgets where she is. She now wants to drive us to all our family functions, and my father-in-law won't object because he doesn't want to damage her self-esteem. FML
PhoenixChick tells us more.
PhoenixChick 26
Hey, OP here! You know, this might be a comment thread that saves lives. I had already decided to put my foot down on me or my husband ever riding with MIL, but...I hadn't thought about everyone else. And now I have. I do not live with my in-laws, but we live in the same town and I cannot drive at night so it gets awkward to refuse their offers when my husband can't take me somewhere. Funny thing is, there is no legal restrictions on my driving,the DMV keeps insisting I'm fine, but I know that my contacts and retinal disease give me issues with headlights and therefore I shouldn't. I'm fine during the day, but stay off the road at night. I'm careful because my eye disease is from my father, who kept driving at night when he shouldn't. Nearly killed himself in an accident. I know who my MIL's doctor is, and I'm going to call his office. She MUST have lied to the DMV, and I think it'll be easier to talk to her doctor than to the DMV. I just have to brace myself for if she finds out. Thank you all for the help. My in-laws are rather good at manipulation. I've known them for ten years, and they use MIL's medical issues to overrule literally everything. She has serious psych issues, and FIL is very protective of her feelings. To the point of letting her lie to my husband's doctors when he was in the ER because it made MIL "feel useful" to tell the doctor's things about my husband's health. She was making up all kinds of things about my husband's condition when he went in for emergency surgery, and when I corrected her I got yelled at by my father in law for making MIL "feel bad." Nevermind that her lies to the operating surgeon could have gotten my husband seriously hurt or killed. So yeah, this ends now. I'm not going to let her hurt anybody else if I csn help it. Wish me luck, I've got a fight on my hands...
Today, I annoyed my friend by texting him "Meow" over and over at random times of the day because when he's drunk he meows in his sleep. Apparently a great way to get back at me was to tell my parents I wasn't a virgin, and that I got high on Wednesday. He had pictures to prove it for both. FML
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