Intimacy: Today, I was having sex with a girl. While we were fooling around,...

By Brett meek - Canada

Today, I was having sex with a girl. While we were fooling around, she started squeezing my cheeks and told me I remind her of her son. FML

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Intimacy

Understandable

Commando

Instadrama

By panicelement - United States - Carbondale

Today, my college started an internet "confessions" page. Out of curiosity I checked it out, only to find that it's full of some of the most disturbing stuff I've ever read. My schoolmates are either filthy as fuck or they are all pathological liars. Wonderful. FML

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By someboody - United States - Paso Robles

Today, I discovered that my mom bought roll on stick glue that looks quite a bit like deodorant. It was early in the morning and I was groggy. Long story short, I had to cut every one of my pit hairs. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I spotted my neighbour's cat sitting on their front garden. I bent over and began walking towards it with my hand out saying, "Hello pussycat". I was only a few feet away when I realised I was talking to a white bag of sand. I turned to see my family in hysterics. FML

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By Lost... - United States

Today, after leaving work at 10 pm, I took a shortcut to the highway. After getting lost, my GPS informed me that the service was unavailable and I should try back in an hour. This occurred moments before I ran out of gas. FML

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By Malcolm654 - United States - Huntington Beach

Today, I was going to propose to my girlfriend of 4 years in front of the sell-out crowd at the baseball game, but at the security checkpoint, the security guard made me take the ring out and open it after I walked through the metal detector. No need to say it, worst proposal ever. FML

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By cat cat

Today, I wore my first thong, which I bought weeks ago but was only just now brave enough to wear. As I was leaving, my little brother decided I really needed a wedgie. The thong garrotted my bum hole and I now have toilet paper up there because it won't stop bleeding. FML

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By Allie - United States

Today, I got a text from my boyfriend that said, "Last week was the most embarassing time of my life, we're over." He was of course referring to the seizure that I had due to my epilepsy at Olive Garden. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Sheffield

Today, instead of waking up to soft sunlight creeping in the window or the gentle trill of birds, I was awakened by the sound of my dog vomiting all over my bed. FML

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By TalkedTo

Today, at 16 years old, I got "the talk" from Dad. He began with "I don’t really need to give you the talk do I? It would just be awkward for us both." I agreed with him, and we drove home in silence. Thanks for avoiding the awkwardness, Dad. FML

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By "Kaluhaluha"

Today, after having my car back for a few months after a $2,000 repair, I got in, only for it to not start. Don't worry. It's not the battery. It's the engine, which was fine yesterday. FML

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Bachelor party

Today, I had to cancel my wedding because my fiancé is so hungover from his bachelor party, he's throwing up all over the place, can't stand up straight and is calling me by the stripper's name he met yesterday night. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - West Babylon

Today, I found out my upstairs neighbors filed a noise complaint against me for banging on the ceiling every night. They conveniently left out the part where they constantly stomp, shout, and do stuff that sounds like they're dropping bricks to the floor every night. FML

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By unemployed - United States

Today, my boss came storming towards me, screaming just how tired she is with my constant bullshit. Already pissed off, I retorted that she's a bitch and should go lose some pounds. Turns out she was talking to her husband on her bluetooth headset. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Cloquet

Today, I was bored so I began to try to convince my boyfriend that Albert Einstein was actually African-American, and that he painted himself white so he would be accepted as a scientist. Due to his competitive nature, he replied, "I already knew that babe." FML

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By Sofi

Today, I canceled going to a party with my sisters because I had a secret plan to have a threesome. They left for the party, but soon returned thinking it would be no fun without me. By then we were already making a lot of indecent noise. They heard it all. FML

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2117

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By oboy - United States

Today, after ten minutes of squishing my boobs together for my boyfriend, trying to get him to stare, he glanced at them then blankly said "I've seen better tits on my mom, so baby just stop that" and smiled. FML

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30137

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By itssdianaa - United States

Today, I was home alone, and I thought I heard someone breaking in through the side gate at my house. I was terrified, so I called the police. It turned out it was the gas company checking the meter. FML

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By Username

Today, I told my boyfriend I wanted to see more of his passionate side. He pushed my head down towards his lap. FML

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30362

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By Myboyfriendisaromanticslob - Canada

Today, my boyfriend set up a very romantic dinner. Afterwards, he offered to wash the dishes while I went upstairs and relaxed. His way of washing the dishes was to scrape all the food off, then wipe the juices off the dishes with a paper towel before putting them back in the cupboards. FML

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By phoenixditch - United States - Burke

Today, I was ditched by the guy I flew over two thousand miles to see. His excuse? "I'm just tired. I want to go home and sleep" Later, he checked in at a bar right down the street from the hotel on Facebook. FML

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By Public Indecency

Today, after some cajoling, I finally posed naked for my long-term partner and his Polaroid camera. After saying he would cherish the intimate snapshots forever, he almost immediately forgot them on a crowded bus. FML

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By lukey101 - 13/8/2020 05:01

Someone needs a hug

Today, I was out to lunch when someone in the distance proposed to his partner. She said yes, everyone clapped and cheered. I, on the other hand, burst into tears and couldn't stop bawling for about half an hour. I'm a 32 year old man and don't even know the happy couple. FML

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1257

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By Rhea - Australia

Today, I won a raffle organised by a friend. I discovered one of the "prizes" was actually a present that I had given to her, that she had "loved". When I asked her where she had gotten it, she said, "Oh, just some crap someone gave me once." She didn't even remember that I had given it to her. FML

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36045

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By j - United States

Today, my wife told me alcohol gives me "increased confidence without increased ability." FML

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19475

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By Anonymous - 26/5/2020 17:00

Mind control

Today, after my fiancee gave me $100 to spend at the garden center as my Mother's Day gift, when I was on my way home from the center, he called and yelled at me because I didn't get what he wanted me to get. FML

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By Ottawa - Canada

Today, I was in line for Star Trek and chatting with another couple about a guy who came to the movie wearing a Starfleet uniform. We were having a good snicker about this "Geek" until my cell phone rang. My ringtone is the sound made by the Star Trek communicator. FML

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By sadcapri96 - United States

Today, the old lady I've been taking care of and running errands for died. She hadn't paid me yet. FML

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By fml9124

Hidden

Today, I saw a scorpion crawling across the kitchen floor. While trying to swat it towards the middle of the floor to prevent it from escaping as I looked for something to kill it with, my cat came to investigate. Kitty thought I was playing with a new toy and joined in by batting the scorpion under the oven. I know it's plotting its revenge. FML

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By NotAsToughAsHeThinks - United States

Captain Badass

Today, a man pulled me violently into an alleyway and informed me I was being mugged. Being a body-builder, I said, "Oh yeah? Go on then." He kicked my ass in a matter of seconds, stole my wallet, then farted on my bruised face. He called me a wimp. FML

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16113

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By Anonymous

Today, after 3 days of hearing a car alarm going off almost continuously, the city finally came and towed it. Immediately after, the owner showed up with a switchblade, inquiring who called the city. My neighbors ratted me out, despite the fact I had nothing to do with it. FML

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3018

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By parker1993 - United States

Today, while waiting for a job interview, a woman sat down next to me and asked if I was here for the job too. Thinking she was also an applicant, I tried to demoralise her, and said the job was going to be a complete joke. With that, she stood up and said, "Do you still want to go into my office?" She was the interviewer. FML

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By Sean - United States

Today, my parents were having a Christmas party. They went out to get the vodka in our garage fridge, only to find most of it was frozen. Knowing vodka doesn't freeze, they soon realized that I had been taking some and refilling it with water over the past two months. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was supposed to go on a date with a guy who lives on the same floor as me in my apartment complex. I got stood up. Instead I got to listen to him doing the girl who lives next door to me. FML

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Today, after two years of hard work, I finished writing my novel dedicated to my father. I timed everything so that the paperback would arrive at his house just before Christmas, then I booked a flight to surprise him so I could see his reaction in person. He just texted me, my mom told him. FML

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By Anonymous

FML Uncensored

Today, me and my boyfriend had sex but stopped when I felt pain down stairs. That evening he wanted me to go to the emergency room but I wanted to sleep it off. Turned out I needed surgery. One of my fallopian tubes had ripped. The sex was so rough, I got an intravenous hemorrhage. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I asked out this girl I've been spending a lot of time with lately. She told me she was only hanging out with me because she thought I was gay and wouldn't try to get in her pants. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/4/2020 23:00

What's your emergency?

Today, I found out that because I'm a cop, my 5-year-old son thinks the only way he can contact me is by calling 911. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my husband and I were getting it on when we heard a little giggle. I put on my robe and looked outside my room to find that no one was there. So we continued. I later called my seven year old son and out he came crawling from under the bed. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I left for college. I spent hundreds of dollars on clothes, bedding and other things. After packing my entire closet and everything else I needed, I left only to have to head back home. My dad forgot to pay the first semesters tuition. He said "Oh well, you would have failed out anyway." FML

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By shit Music - Slovenia - Ljubljana

Today, I forgot my headphones at home. When I got to work I found out that today was also the day the band next door had decided to practice their only song for 8 hours. FML

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Top comments

By xXEurekaXx | 0

#872380 - Friday 19 February 2010 16:08

that is disturbing...

By Domonator | 16

#872458 - Friday 19 February 2010 16:29

Face cheeks or butt cheeks?

COMMENTS

By xXEurekaXx | 0

#872380 - Friday 19 February 2010 16:08

that is disturbing...

rbond93 | 4

#872386 - Friday 19 February 2010 16:09

.....agreed

funshit123 | 0

#872392 - Friday 19 February 2010 16:10

she likes having sex with her son. very disturbing

cantfightfate | 0

#872404 - Friday 19 February 2010 16:12

disturbing, yes but also hilarious!! definitely fyl!

xXSc3n1cXx | 0

#872432 - Friday 19 February 2010 16:20

oh........wow....

silentfog | 0

#872440 - Friday 19 February 2010 16:23

what makes this worse is if the woman wasn't a cougar. So disturbing

SeasonedSausage | 0

#872497 - Friday 19 February 2010 16:46

what's wrong with that. incest is very common nowadays.

bleedinginside | 0

#872521 - Friday 19 February 2010 16:53

son sex atheist much

brianred5 | 0

#872598 - Friday 19 February 2010 17:28

wow just....wow

ey3seecold | 0

#872658 - Friday 19 February 2010 17:46

umm maybe she is ur mum ? gettin wasted can be dangerous!!

Rota | 0

#872796 - Friday 19 February 2010 18:45

I'm not seeing them FML when you plowed someones mom. I would have just kept going harder.

JustStopSucking | 0

#872923 - Friday 19 February 2010 19:53

disturbing would be "told me I look like her son. i'm a girl. FML".

love_game911 | 0

#873395 - Friday 19 February 2010 23:00

rota...u r my hero

SarahMarie83 | 0

#873440 - Friday 19 February 2010 23:17

I don't understand the atheism reference.

Rota | 0

#873559 - Friday 19 February 2010 23:39

It's just simple ignorance. Move along.

Mahyar | 2

#874041 - Saturday 20 February 2010 2:05

WTF lol weird.

Nailbunny | 4

#874684 - Saturday 20 February 2010 7:02

uhm, creepy much?

LTMcleod | 0

#874718 - Saturday 20 February 2010 7:20

win!!!!!!!

Pebaroo | 4

#1046948 - Monday 28 June 2010 12:26

wooow thats screwed

NoFatAssOnaStick | 0

#1638917 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 7:16

That's what we call 'a MILF.' Good job!

DumDum999 | 0

#2288750 - Sunday 3 April 2011 22:12

ROFLMAO THAT'S THE FUNNIEST THING I'VE EVER FUCKING HEARD

LOLOL

By Crush89 | 0

#872393 - Friday 19 February 2010 16:10

very.

kayladance101 | 13

#872920 - Friday 19 February 2010 19:52

was she drunk??

TehGirreth | 0

#1616253 - Thursday 28 October 2010 15:27

No, I'm pretty sure it goes like this:

Today, I had sex with my son. FML

emmagillespie24 | 11

#4310225 - Sunday 15 April 2012 22:57

How old is she!!

By heeheehoo | 0

#872395 - Friday 19 February 2010 16:11

hahaha is she a cougar?

pariah13 | 0

#872684 - Friday 19 February 2010 17:56

I was wondering the exact same thing when I read this...

By Marino01 | 0

#872401 - Friday 19 February 2010 16:11

leave that one alone.

moneypenny_fml | 0

#873131 - Friday 19 February 2010 21:01

which checks?

jellybean120 | 10

#873176 - Friday 19 February 2010 21:17

Lol!

By T_X_P | 2

#872402 - Friday 19 February 2010 16:12

How old is this "girl"????

By yourproblemnow | 0

#872425 - Friday 19 February 2010 16:16

oh godd.

By MjSmittys | 0

#872435 - Friday 19 February 2010 16:21

book it!!!

By spaceydude | 0

#872441 - Friday 19 February 2010 16:23

Definotely a MILF... unless she was ugly. Also, WINcest

By ihateonyou | 0

#872446 - Friday 19 February 2010 16:24

Suck it up dude you just banged a milf

By danielboricua28 | 0

#872456 - Friday 19 February 2010 16:28

wtf and she still wants to have sex with u?....