Today, I was having sex with a girl. While we were fooling around,...

By Brett meek - 19/2/2010 07:41 - Canada

Today, I was having sex with a girl. While we were fooling around, she started squeezing my cheeks and told me I remind her of her son. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25432

You deserved it

3579

Favorite

Intimacy

Messed up

Doomed

Trip Advisor says no

By Anonymous - 17/3/2020 05:30

Stay safe, stay home

Today, my professor gave me a huge lecture in front of the class about showing up sick, about how I was endangering the lives of other students, and kicked me out of class. As I left, everyone applauded. I'm not sick, but suffering for horrible allergies. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1813

You deserved it

160

Favorite

By Anonymous - 14/11/2018 12:00

Today, I'm scared to leave my bedroom. During the night, what must have been a giant spider made a web 4 feet wide stretching from the lightbulb to the tv and then down to the desk corner. It's blocking my path to the door and I can't tell where the 8-legged bastard is hiding. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2612

You deserved it

389

Favorite

By thanksmom - 22/12/2014 23:15 - United States - Watertown

Today, my mother brought over some early Christmas presents for me and the kids. The kid's presents were fine, mine however consisted of many yard accessories, including solar lights. I live in an apartment building with no yard. Her response? "Buy a potted plant and shove them in there." FML

I agree, your life sucks

28943

You deserved it

2617

Favorite

By insertfoothere - 18/7/2009 11:26 - United States

Today, after my son's new friend spent the night, I commented on how his hair had such a straight line in it from one ear to the other. I joked about how he must have fallen asleep with headphones on, or had bad hat hair. He informed me it was a scar from brain surgery he had when he was younger. FML

I agree, your life sucks

16230

You deserved it

59716

Favorite

By Anonymous - 3/11/2009 19:49 - United States

Today, while I was driving out of the student parking lot I saw people laughing. Then the old security lady yelled for me to stop. She told me my books were on the top of my car but one had already fallen off. I looked in my rearview mirror and saw all of my school papers flying everywhere. FML

I agree, your life sucks

16952

You deserved it

31184

Favorite

By LondonKitsch - 26/6/2009 16:51 - United States

Today, I finally got into a yoga class with the instructor I've been crushing on for 2 years. As he walked closer to greet me, I lifted my leg over my head into a full split, and queefed obnoxiously loud. He responded with his gag reflex. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50730

You deserved it

29673

Favorite

By Anonymous - 20/4/2014 17:58 - United Kingdom - Wigan

Today, I found out that even though my girlfriend of 3 years believes sex before marriage or even me just jacking off is a big no, doing online strip-shows for money is a big yes for her. Both times that I've proposed, she claimed she isn't "ready" for marriage. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49435

You deserved it

9478

Favorite

By nazirah4shizzle - 15/5/2015 19:54 - United States

Today, my drunk boyfriend decided to wake me up by fingering me. Let's just say going to the ER to get your tampon dug out isn't fun. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39168

You deserved it

3452

Favorite

By Help - 13/8/2011 23:21 - United States

Today, my family dragged me to an Alien-themed museum. They're convinced they were once abducted and felt up by creatures from outer space. They talk, and spend all their money, on nothing else. I'm hungry. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31057

You deserved it

2892

Favorite

By Anonymous - 26/1/2014 00:33 - United States - Durham

Today, I told my friend I would pay him to ask out the ugliest girl he knew. He asked out my girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26898

You deserved it

52748

Favorite

By pleasestop - 11/6/2011 08:48 - Australia

Today, I woke up with bowel problems which have been causing me to violently pass wind every couple of minutes. I have to spend the next two hours sitting an exam in dead silence. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39087

You deserved it

3375

Favorite

By wtf dad - 22/7/2020 23:00

Property law

Today, I asked my boyfriend, who’s a massage therapist, if he could help my mom with her chronic migraines by massaging her head and neck. My dad came home, saw them in the dimly lit room and knocked my boyfriend out cold for "touching his woman." My boyfriend dumped me and wants my dad arrested. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2108

You deserved it

519

Favorite

By anonymous - 3/6/2011 06:25 - United States

Today, my dad's work phone went off, and I thought I should go tell him since he's on call. Turns out no matter how you do it, a 47 year old man at one in the morning will think you are a burglar trying to attack him. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30228

You deserved it

3366

Favorite

By maximumpower - 15/3/2009 01:46 - United States

Today, I was eating at a restaurant in town, when this small boy starts looking at me. I simply smiled and went back to eating, only to hear out of the corner of my ear, "Daddy, why does that kids face look like that"? He said it so loud 3 tables next to us turned and looked. FML

I agree, your life sucks

53024

You deserved it

3501

Favorite

By Anonymous - 23/4/2016 09:14 - United States - Redlands

Today, the CEO of my company wanted to meet with me. I was excited until I found out she just wanted to bitch me out and personally fire me. Later on, I found out my boss had totally shafted me and blamed the failure of a big project on me instead of admitting it was all his fault. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21036

You deserved it

1237

Favorite

By me - 13/1/2011 20:48 - United States

Today, my daughter was expelled from her school for beating another kindergartener with a Dr. Seuss book. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39114

You deserved it

7750

Favorite

By lunarstrain - 8/11/2011 06:11 - United Kingdom

Today, I walked in on my boyfriend trying to have sex with a piece of fruit. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48937

You deserved it

8495

Favorite

By Brittany - 10/4/2009 20:07 - United States

Today, my boyfriend's friends were throwing him a surprise birthday party. I thought it'd be funny to get him some fuzzy handcuffs and a box of condoms as a gift. They never told me they invited his parents. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19036

You deserved it

49743

Favorite

By sickpuppy - 8/9/2019 12:00

Geometry

Today, I learned the hard way that when sick, throw up, then have diarrhea. Not the other way round. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1322

You deserved it

142

Favorite

By Rohirus - 7/6/2012 23:09 - Sweden

Today, during the early hours, I got hungry and went to grab something to eat. I entered the kitchen, only to see my stark-naked dad sitting at the table, eating cereal and reading the paper. He just nodded at me and said, "Son." I think I need a new pair of eyes. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26433

You deserved it

2519

Favorite

By Taylor - 23/2/2011 02:51 - United States

Today, my sister and I had a bonding moment. It consisted of me plucking her chin hairs. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24882

You deserved it

5570

Favorite

By driverman12 - 4/4/2009 19:42 - United States

Today, I was driving on the freeway when I saw a car in front of me swerving across 3 lanes of traffic. Thinking he might be drunk, I dialed 911 on my phone, but I dropped it. I fished under my seat to get it, swerving, and got pulled over by highway patrol and given a field sobriety test. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44080

You deserved it

30859

Favorite

By TooShortToCleanThat - 20/3/2015 03:22 - United States

Today, my boyfriend decided to show off one of his favorite skills: Peeing on my ceiling. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31351

You deserved it

3737

Favorite

By Anonymous - 20/2/2015 01:46 - United States - Lebanon

Today, my mother moved in to my 2-bedroom apartment with me. She brought her boyfriend, 4 chihuahuas, and 2 birds with her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33748

You deserved it

5069

Favorite

By smidgit - 19/5/2016 17:32

Today, after many days of messing around with wording and pictures, a huge and expensive printed card order came in to the office. I spelt the first word wrong. I can't get a refund. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7851

You deserved it

9674

Favorite

By LonelyThisChristmas - 24/12/2016 20:14 - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, my step-mum told me that the Christmas dinner she is cooking tomorrow will cost £25 a head. I laughed because I thought she was joking. She wasn't. Now I'm spending Christmas alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7904

You deserved it

623

Favorite

By fml9124 - 31/8/2019 22:00

Today, it's our 32nd wedding anniversary. Two weeks ago I caught a cold on an airplane. Since I got back, she hasn't kissed or let me touch her. I'm still coughing. She says maybe it's not a cold, maybe it's TB. She's left to stay in a hotel until I get better or die. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1652

You deserved it

150

Favorite

By Anonymous - 15/7/2012 04:09 - United States - Aston

Today, my boyfriend told me that my vagina looks like Yoda. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35481

You deserved it

5615

Favorite

By Anonymous - 4/8/2009 12:02 - Singapore

Today, my grandfather was counting all the grandchildren he had and saying how fortunate he was to have all of us. When I pointed out that he'd forgotten to count me, he turned and said "You're adopted, you don't count as a real grandchild" FML

I agree, your life sucks

93059

You deserved it

4503

Favorite

By estallidos - 23/1/2010 05:13 - United States

Today, I got out of the hospital for the second time in a week. The first time was for a seizure that my cat induced by tripping me over. The second was to get stitches from the Doberman that had decided to take over my front yard while I was gone. Apparently I was intruding. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27145

You deserved it

2425

Favorite

By Anonymous - 1/11/2014 18:23 - United States - Cincinnati

Today, my girlfriend came over to my place unannounced. She slapped me in the face, said, "You son of a bitch." and stormed off. I have no idea what that was for. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39714

You deserved it

5501

Favorite

By TrueScotsman - 29/10/2009 14:31 - United States

Today, I wore my kilt to the university I attend. Getting tired of the stares which I was receiving, I yelled "It's cause its too big to fit in my pants". As soon as the words left my mouth, a gust of wind came and blew my kilt up around my waist, revealing that my previous claim was untrue. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11952

You deserved it

57189

Favorite

By tiredofbullshit - 8/1/2016 06:06 - United States - Littleton

Today, my dad took my car keys off my keychain and hid them from me. His reasoning was, "I don't want you to be driving during the winter." Guess who has to walk ten miles a day to work, through the New England snow. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23537

You deserved it

1630

Favorite

By Anonymous - 8/1/2011 22:06 - United States

Today, I went to my dad and new stepmom's house for the week. Upon arrival, I was handed mouthwash, deodorant, and lice shampoo. The guest bed I was told I'd be sleeping in was fitted with a plastic mattress cover. I don't have lice and I don't wet the bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30975

You deserved it

2844

Favorite

By chickenflavouredlaptop - 9/4/2018 01:30

Today, I received my new laptop in the mail and put it on the kitchen counter, where my family charges all our electronics. My mom then decided to make soup and spilt chicken broth all over my new laptop before I even got the chance to turn it on. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3961

You deserved it

1004

Favorite

By Anonymous - 27/7/2012 19:04 - Norway - Rakkestad

Today, my daughter proudly showed me her new tattoo sleeve, which is made up of an angry cupcake, hemp leaves, and a My Little Pony character. She's almost 30, still unemployed, and still lives in my home. I now have no hope of her ever becoming a productive member of society. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30193

You deserved it

8300

Favorite

By alliwantisabandaid - 11/2/2011 08:27

Today, I cut my finger deep on an envelope at work and started bleeding profusely. When I asked my co-worker for a band-aid, she told me to get back to work and stop making up excuses to try and hit on her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34058

You deserved it

3953

Favorite

By Anonymous - 17/7/2014 15:57 - United States - Lancaster

Today, we decided to go to an aquarium for a little family get-away. At the end was a shark viewing deck, and I leaned over the rails to get a better look. How did I find out that my glasses needed to be adjusted? They fell off and sunk right to the bottom of the shark-infested waters. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45299

You deserved it

13568

Favorite

By Anonymous - 4/10/2009 02:56 - United States

Today, I was trying on dresses in a stall that requires an employee of the store to have a key to open. After I took off one dress to go to another, an employee quickly opens my door, to give the stall to someone else. The entire store could see me in my granny panties and bra. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35942

You deserved it

6490

Favorite

By Iris - 12/10/2016 13:53 - Canada - Saint-laurent

Today I bought a 50$ voucher card to refill my phone. After I purchased it, I threw the receipt in the dustbin. When I got home, I found out that the 14-digit pin code was on the receipt. I basically threw 57 bucks in the dustbin. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7349

You deserved it

11560

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By xXEurekaXx | 0

#872380 - Friday 19 February 2010 16:08

that is disturbing...

By Domonator | 16

#872458 - Friday 19 February 2010 16:29

Face cheeks or butt cheeks?

COMMENTS

By xXEurekaXx | 0

#872380 - Friday 19 February 2010 16:08

that is disturbing...

rbond93 | 4

#872386 - Friday 19 February 2010 16:09

.....agreed

funshit123 | 0

#872392 - Friday 19 February 2010 16:10

she likes having sex with her son. very disturbing

cantfightfate | 0

#872404 - Friday 19 February 2010 16:12

disturbing, yes but also hilarious!! definitely fyl!

xXSc3n1cXx | 0

#872432 - Friday 19 February 2010 16:20

oh........wow....

silentfog | 0

#872440 - Friday 19 February 2010 16:23

what makes this worse is if the woman wasn't a cougar. So disturbing

SeasonedSausage | 0

#872497 - Friday 19 February 2010 16:46

what's wrong with that. incest is very common nowadays.

bleedinginside | 0

#872521 - Friday 19 February 2010 16:53

son sex atheist much

brianred5 | 0

#872598 - Friday 19 February 2010 17:28

wow just....wow

ey3seecold | 0

#872658 - Friday 19 February 2010 17:46

umm maybe she is ur mum ? gettin wasted can be dangerous!!

Rota | 0

#872796 - Friday 19 February 2010 18:45

I'm not seeing them FML when you plowed someones mom. I would have just kept going harder.

JustStopSucking | 0

#872923 - Friday 19 February 2010 19:53

disturbing would be "told me I look like her son. i'm a girl. FML".

love_game911 | 0

#873395 - Friday 19 February 2010 23:00

rota...u r my hero

SarahMarie83 | 0

#873440 - Friday 19 February 2010 23:17

I don't understand the atheism reference.

Rota | 0

#873559 - Friday 19 February 2010 23:39

It's just simple ignorance. Move along.

Mahyar | 2

#874041 - Saturday 20 February 2010 2:05

WTF lol weird.

Nailbunny | 4

#874684 - Saturday 20 February 2010 7:02

uhm, creepy much?

LTMcleod | 0

#874718 - Saturday 20 February 2010 7:20

win!!!!!!!

Pebaroo | 4

#1046948 - Monday 28 June 2010 12:26

wooow thats screwed

NoFatAssOnaStick | 0

#1638917 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 7:16

That's what we call 'a MILF.' Good job!

DumDum999 | 0

#2288750 - Sunday 3 April 2011 22:12

ROFLMAO THAT'S THE FUNNIEST THING I'VE EVER FUCKING HEARD

LOLOL

By Crush89 | 0

#872393 - Friday 19 February 2010 16:10

very.

kayladance101 | 13

#872920 - Friday 19 February 2010 19:52

was she drunk??

TehGirreth | 0

#1616253 - Thursday 28 October 2010 15:27

No, I'm pretty sure it goes like this:

Today, I had sex with my son. FML

emmagillespie24 | 11

#4310225 - Sunday 15 April 2012 22:57

How old is she!!

By heeheehoo | 0

#872395 - Friday 19 February 2010 16:11

hahaha is she a cougar?

pariah13 | 0

#872684 - Friday 19 February 2010 17:56

I was wondering the exact same thing when I read this...

By Marino01 | 0

#872401 - Friday 19 February 2010 16:11

leave that one alone.

moneypenny_fml | 0

#873131 - Friday 19 February 2010 21:01

which checks?

jellybean120 | 10

#873176 - Friday 19 February 2010 21:17

Lol!

By T_X_P | 2

#872402 - Friday 19 February 2010 16:12

How old is this "girl"????

By yourproblemnow | 0

#872425 - Friday 19 February 2010 16:16

oh godd.

By MjSmittys | 0

#872435 - Friday 19 February 2010 16:21

book it!!!

By spaceydude | 0

#872441 - Friday 19 February 2010 16:23

Definotely a MILF... unless she was ugly. Also, WINcest

By ihateonyou | 0

#872446 - Friday 19 February 2010 16:24

Suck it up dude you just banged a milf

By danielboricua28 | 0

#872456 - Friday 19 February 2010 16:28

wtf and she still wants to have sex with u?....