Miscellaneous: Today, I was swimming with my friends at the local pool. My friend... - FML

Nearly

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34

You deserved it 3

27/09/2021 06:27

Today, I have to get up and go to work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54

You deserved it 97

Spicy

Spicy

Unfriended

By thethrowawayplace - 15/10/2021 17:00

Spicy

Today, my friend was watching a black guy getting yelled at by the cops on TV. He then decided to yell, "Wow, ni***** really don't know how to behave!" When I didn't react, he yelled it over and over, until I slunk into my room. He knows I'm part black. FML

I agree, your life sucks 397

You deserved it 63

Grind mindset

By MyStomachHurts - 15/10/2021 05:00

Spicy

Today, my boss wrote me up for taking too many bathroom breaks. I tried calling in sick with a bad case of indigestion, but he told me to just power through it because, "it can't possibly be that bad." I have been in severe, persistent discomfort the whole damn day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 457

You deserved it 33

31/07/2012 16:47

Today, I was swimming with my friends at the local pool. My friend pushed me under, and as I came up for air, my hand stroked a hairy leg. It turns out I had caressed the leg of an old man who had been swimming laps. He spent the next half hour creepily smiling at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 623

You deserved it 2 242

Send a private message

Wednesday 1 August 2012 4:47

I posted this and I am a girl

And today, on Dr Phil…

Dysfunctional

Overreact much?!

29/08/2016 10:26

Today, my mother and I were watching a movie. She got up to go to bed, and I blurted out, "Please don't leave me." Her response: "You really need a boyfriend." FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 358

You deserved it 2 047

23/05/2011 01:33

Today, I told my kids that our family dog was getting too fat and we should give him a little less food. My youngest daughter whispered to her sister, "Mommy's fat and we still give her food." FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 872

You deserved it 19 797

06/07/2011 05:11

Today, I was flipping through a magazine and saw an ad that had the line "No corn, no wheat, no soy", all of which I'm severely allergic to. I got so excited at the prospect of having a food I could eat, I fell out of my chair. I then realized it was an ad for dog food. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 428

You deserved it 5 524

Headshot

By home owner - 20/08/2010 06:14

Today, I was taking a shower for the first time in my new apartment. The shower head broke off the wall and slammed onto my head, while spraying water everywhere. I tried to stop the water, but only stopped the cold and got burnt by the hot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 654

You deserved it 3 348

23/03/2013 19:00

Today, I broke up with my boyfriend of seven years. He stared at me, then said, "Yeah, okay then. I'm gonna watch TV now." He then turned on the TV and watched Top Gun. Not quite the response I was hoping for. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 714

You deserved it 41 155

28/10/2012 16:44

Today, over a family dinner, my husband and I told everyone that I'm pregnant. My father frowned and said, "Again?", my 9-year-old daughter started crying, and her brother smirked and yelled, "Up the ass, no babies!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 970

You deserved it 6 086

07/08/2011 02:49

Today, I found that there is nothing worse than coming home to a snake slithering across your kitchen floor. Except when it disappears into your cabinets. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 655

You deserved it 3 351

03/07/2009 17:47

Today, while going up a ski-lift I accidentally dropped my ticket. The ticket I needed at the top to come back down. I had to hike down the mountain in flip-flops. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 532

You deserved it 16 090

02/06/2019 14:05

Today, I was volunteering at an Indian hospital through a Canadian volunteer agency after paying $3000. It was my first day, but I got deported for having an incorrect visa. I had a tourist visa when I was supposed to have a "miscellaneous" visa. I got deported for volunteering. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 877

You deserved it 481

03/12/2012 19:02

Today, I got into a fight with my girlfriend. After yelling and arguing my point, my cat got up and jumped up next to her on the bed. He sat down, and they both glared at me until I left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 447

You deserved it 4 287

01/03/2016 19:07

Today, I got fired for being late. Apparently you're supposed to be on time after your boss specifically tells you that the office will open an hour late. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 311

You deserved it 1 849

04/12/2011 23:52

Today, I heard vibrating from inside my husband's desk drawer. Since he's away for the weekend, I investigated. I found an unfamiliar cellphone with an inbound call. I answered it. Turns out, it was his mistress. Neither of us can get a hold of him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 023

You deserved it 3 418

Password issues

By Anonymous - 27/03/2009 16:46

Today, I had to log in to my computer on a projector in front of business associates at my dad's architecture firm. I typed in my username and apparently didn't hit the tab key hard enough, so I typed my password in the username box. The entire firm now knows my password is "tits123". FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 932

You deserved it 77 041

22/10/2014 20:55

Today, I got in an argument with my teacher for always comparing me to my sister that she had a few years before. After I said, "I'm not my sister so please stop comparing me to her," she responded, "Of course you're not your sister, I actually like your sister." FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 164

You deserved it 5 746

22/08/2009 21:07

Today, it was my next-door neighbor's birthday. Over the past year, his pitbull has attacked my stepdad several times and put some stiches on me. Lucky for us, the dog was finally put down. For his birthday my neighbor got a new, bigger, pitbull. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 567

You deserved it 5 974

21/08/2014 16:36

Today, some random bloke introduced himself at a bar by asking to fuck me. I got tongue-tied trying to say both "fuck off" and "please go away". I ended up telling him to "Please fuck away." FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 564

You deserved it 7 846

Clean-freak criminal

By Bryce - 13/06/2021 04:00

Today, some dumbass broke one of my car's windows to steal the pack of disinfecting wipes I just bought a few hours ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 672

You deserved it 39

01/01/2010 08:16

Today, it is New Year's Day. While all of my friends are out partying, I stayed home and mastered level 34 on FarmVille. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 580

You deserved it 36 851

Awkward family gatherings

By Anonymous - 13/08/2013 16:01

Today, I was eating with my grandma and her sister, who don't get along. I went to the bathroom for just 2 minutes, only to come back to find pancakes everywhere and our plates smashed on the ground. They got into a "little argument". FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 131

You deserved it 3 438

11/06/2017 22:00

Today, I learned that my new boyfriend seriously thinks that Inglorious Bastards is historically accurate and is actually the secret history of World War 2 being revealed to the public. Nothing I say will make him change his mind. I guess that relationship is a goner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 035

You deserved it 356

25/01/2009 16:47

Today, I was going to end a thing I had with this guy. It turned out that he got back together with his ex-girlfriend and was just using me as a back up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 017

You deserved it 4 062

14/10/2015 14:29

Today, I had to grab a large kitchen knife from my son, after I heard him convince his friend to join him in cutting off his finger, so they could "be assassins like Ezio." FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 581

You deserved it 3 084

18/01/2012 19:02

Today, out of habit, I said "See you later" to a creepy old male customer who stared at my chest the whole time I was serving him. His response was to wink and say, "Oh, you will." FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 766

You deserved it 5 185

AKA the Oskar Deutsch look

By Noname - 16/11/2020 12:23

Today, when I was shaving , I wanted to see what I looked like with a Hitler 'tache. Since I was shaving anyway I just left that part and figured I'd shave it later. Well I was goose stepping around my room for awhile and then forgot about it. I ran into my girlfriend's parents later that day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 652

You deserved it 76 607

Car Wars

By no car - 04/08/2020 17:04

Today, I came outside to leave for work. To my shock and horror my car was gone. My asshole neighbor, who has parked in my spot multiple times decided to let her noisy guests park in my parking spot, so I parked in hers. She had my car towed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 938

You deserved it 357

16/04/2017 16:00

Today, after finally getting my drivers license, I was able to drive myself to school for the first time! I got fined $50 for accidentally parking in the wrong lot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 088

You deserved it 1 870

06/12/2009 14:03

Today, I sneezed while brushing my teeth and ended up with toothpaste in my eye. I haven't been able to see for two hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 704

You deserved it 4 002

You tried…

By Trapfail - 09/08/2021 04:01

Today, I claimed I was pregnant to get back at my ex and the girl he cheated on me with. I tagged him in my "ultrasound" pic, saying it was his baby, hoping she would dump him. Turns out there’s this thing called "reverse image search" and he posted the Google page where I got the ultrasound from. FML

I agree, your life sucks 138

You deserved it 4 797

06/02/2015 08:26

Today, after a day, I finally noticed that the toilet paper I'd been using to wipe my butt is actually a roll of paper towel cut in half. My dad thinks that it's a waste of money to buy proper paper. Guess who had to unclog the toilet twice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 027

You deserved it 3 155

21/11/2010 23:43

Spicy

Today, when I got home, I went into my room to find a Bratz doll and a Ken doll laying naked, on top of each other on my bed. Attached to them was a note that stated, "Please, use your imagination and find other ways besides porn to get excited. The computer keeps getting viruses. Love, Mom." FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 433

You deserved it 53 865

01/02/2012 05:06

Today, I found out how it feels when a refrigerator door unhinges and falls on your toes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 051

You deserved it 2 429

Judgmental much?

By Steven - 03/09/2019 12:00

Today, at a supermarket, I ran into a girl I knew in high school. She had 2 kids with her and they were buying school supplies. My cart was full of beer and snacks. After a chat, she left, not before saying, "I hope things get better for you." I have a job and a girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 525

You deserved it 228

23/06/2010 23:27

Today, my parents made me a steak dinner to celebrate me visiting home from college. I've been a vegetarian for eleven years. This is the third time they've done this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 963

You deserved it 12 397

24/03/2009 02:48

Today, I was swimming in the ocean, not too far off shore. I had asked my mom to come in, but she was afraid of the water because fish had nipped at her toes or something back in the day. I told her there was nothing to fear. I ended up getting stung in the balls by a Jelly fish. FML

I agree, your life sucks 72 897

You deserved it 11 117

01/12/2016 09:41

Today, I moved states to be with my soulmate in our new condo. It was also the day I took out a neighbor's balcony with my U-Haul. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 472

You deserved it 2 197

Ah, young love…

By HotAsTits - 20/03/2011 20:31

Spicy

Today, my parents thought it would be appropriate to tell my girlfriend that I used to stick my penis in a sock puppet and talk to it when I was younger. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 891

You deserved it 10 437

15/12/2016 23:23

Today, I went out with my kids to eat at a nice restaurant. While I was in the bathroom, my 7-year-old daughter ordered 15 plates of "pearls" on the menu. Those "pearls" turned out to be salmon caviar. Guess who got a 425$ bill. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 871

You deserved it 2 591

15/03/2010 02:09

Spicy

Today, while making out with my boyfriend, he started playing with my nipples. Suddenly he stops kissing me, looks at my nipples and says, "Have they always been like this? They look like joysticks!". He then started singing the Super Mario Brother's theme song and playing the game with my nipples. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 603

You deserved it 5 801

01/04/2015 02:15

Today, on my day off, I received a call from my boss asking why I wasn't at work yet. After getting dressed and an hour-long train ride later, I got there only to find out that it was an April Fool's prank. I had to take the train back home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 633

You deserved it 5 684

20/11/2011 17:10

Today, I learned that my roommate, the one in charge of the cooking, never washes her hands beforehand. According to her, it boosts her immune system. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 493

You deserved it 4 186

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Top comments

videokid2000 10

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Wednesday 1 August 2012 0:21

Well you're obviously meant to be together.

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Wednesday 1 August 2012 0:22

That man probably hasn't had any action in months or years, and you just made his day. Take it as a compliment, a creepy, creepy, compliment.

Comments

videokid2000 10

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Wednesday 1 August 2012 0:21

Well you're obviously meant to be together.

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Wednesday 1 August 2012 0:24

A match made in heav- or the local pool

DontClickOnMe 28

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Wednesday 1 August 2012 0:24

I know, right? I wonder when their wedding will be.

Futacy 29

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Wednesday 1 August 2012 0:29

You should get his number... and use it to find his identity and report him to the police for sexual harassment.

HowAreYouToday 34

Wednesday 1 August 2012 0:37

15, that's a bitch move.

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Wednesday 1 August 2012 0:43

15- Y? He obviously only did that because he thought she liked him..

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Wednesday 1 August 2012 0:48

Sexual harassment for smiling? I'd love to see that happen.

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Wednesday 1 August 2012 1:37

20- They never said the gender. For all you know, he could be like Herbert from family guy.

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Wednesday 1 August 2012 1:44

45- if it was a guy, then it would be a WHOLE lot more awkwarder.

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Wednesday 1 August 2012 4:47

I posted this and I am a girl

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Wednesday 1 August 2012 5:10

That clears everything up.

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Wednesday 1 August 2012 5:32

Isn't there supposed to be an "original poster" icon/wording under this chick's comment if it was her?

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Wednesday 1 August 2012 6:20

Probably not because they selected it to be anonymous; it would be pointless to say anonymous and then point out that that person commented on the FML.

missamazinggg 12

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Wednesday 1 August 2012 7:48

75- the gender is right next to the FML.

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Wednesday 1 August 2012 8:10

88- not this one. Wasn't specified until the OP posted a comment about it.

missamazinggg 12

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Wednesday 1 August 2012 16:22

89- scroll up to the FML and look to your right.

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Thursday 18 September 2014 4:37

At least it wasn't his"third leg"

danielwilliams57 6

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Wednesday 1 August 2012 0:22

Gotta love creepy old men, eh?

HowAreYouToday 34

Wednesday 1 August 2012 0:40

Literally.

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Wednesday 1 August 2012 0:45

Well, if anything, at least there old. If say, a bodybuilder did that, then you should obviously have a right to be scared.

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Wednesday 1 August 2012 0:52

2 - this has nothing to do with your comment but I adore your profile pic. :]

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Wednesday 1 August 2012 1:47

27- I adore yours even more ;)

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Wednesday 1 August 2012 2:08

I don't love creepy old men. Creepy old men love me.

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Wednesday 1 August 2012 3:43

'Hey I just met you, and you just stroked me, so here's my number, come home with me maybe?;)'

Rowdey 10

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Wednesday 1 August 2012 5:42

Yeah, you don't figuratively love creepy old men; you literally love creepy old men. Makes sense man.

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Wednesday 1 August 2012 0:22

That man probably hasn't had any action in months or years, and you just made his day. Take it as a compliment, a creepy, creepy, compliment.

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Thursday 2 August 2012 6:09

3- You really have a Justin B. haircut? My son just asked if he could have one...

poetrywriter12 6

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Wednesday 1 August 2012 0:22

Mmm, got yourself a catch there. Give him a smile back. He's the friendly neighbourhood pervert, he's safe!!!!

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Wednesday 1 August 2012 5:37

Or smile back so creepily he gets freaked out. To beat the creeps, you gotta out-creep them!

crazydudefrom90s 10

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Wednesday 1 August 2012 15:35

Sing the "call me maybe-creepy girl version"

KrayKrayGurl117 7

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Wednesday 1 August 2012 0:23

At least he's trying to stay in shape...

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Wednesday 1 August 2012 0:47

Yep, who cares if he's old or say looks funny. If he's healthy (swimming) and is friendly enough to smile, then he's a keeper.

mrshutcherson123 3

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Wednesday 1 August 2012 0:23

Haha let's hope he wasn't a rapist. Jk. but that's creepy!

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Wednesday 1 August 2012 0:49

It's like the beginning of either a horror movie.. Or a romantic comedy.

Rowdey 10

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Wednesday 1 August 2012 5:50

..or a porno

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Wednesday 1 August 2012 0:23

Made a new friend huh?

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Wednesday 1 August 2012 3:53

Sounds like a hairy beast lol

subwaysurfers 13

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Wednesday 1 August 2012 6:44

A friend that wants to be more than friends ;)

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Wednesday 1 August 2012 11:26

Don't be rude. Smile back at the creeper. :)

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Wednesday 1 August 2012 0:23

I would of hit my friend for pushing me under...

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Wednesday 1 August 2012 3:52

Push your friend under

nevershoutkendal_fml 10

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Wednesday 1 August 2012 13:21

*would have But I completely agree with you.

comeatmebroo6254 1

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Wednesday 1 August 2012 0:24

Well alrighty then. One time an old guy was staring at me and he wouldn't look away. Every time I looked back he was staring. As soon as I told my friend and she looked back, he looked away though. So I can kind of relate. But , sorry for the creepy encounter!

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Wednesday 1 August 2012 1:20

Cool story bro ; )

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Wednesday 1 August 2012 5:06

PLEASE don't tell it again.

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Wednesday 1 August 2012 0:24

Are you sure it was his leg? Giggidy.

DKjazz 20

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Wednesday 1 August 2012 1:01

"Stroked his hairy leg"? Is that what kids are calling it now?

rattusrattus 18

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Wednesday 1 August 2012 1:31

Since when were penises hairy (beyond the base)?

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Wednesday 1 August 2012 1:34

41- implants? Maybe? Idk then

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Wednesday 1 August 2012 3:20

41, penises can become very hairy if the hair is not trimmed. Dick hair can grow really long.

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Wednesday 1 August 2012 4:31

hair can definitely grow on the shaft... but personally, I shave mine

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Wednesday 1 August 2012 9:30

Thank you for letting us know!..

nevershoutkendal_fml 10

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Wednesday 1 August 2012 13:28

Lesson learned: never eat breakfast while reading FML comments. Now my yogurt doesn't taste so delightful.

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Wednesday 1 August 2012 16:34

It's giggity, Seth MacFarlane corrected so on his Twitter.

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Thursday 2 August 2012 2:05

It was his third leg...if you know what I mean