The Top

I booked in next week to get it looked at- hopefully it behaves until then!! It just gets super awkward because I'm a 22 year old female and so not the usual candidate for a cheeky drive by beeping!! Thanks for all your concern guys!! Xxx

By Susan - 28/02/2012 11:55 - Canada

Today, I farted in front of my husband. It somehow turned into a farting war. Then I realized this is the closest we've come to intimacy in a week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 976

You deserved it 6 847

By Anonymousagb - 24/04/2009 15:18 - United Arab Emirates

Today, as I was washing the dishes, I felt what I thought was a mosquito on my leg. I kicked at it with my foot only to realize that I had just kicked my adopted puppy in the face. Now, whenever I come into a room, he runs to the corner and pees. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 975

You deserved it 92 193

By poisongrl - 06/09/2011 22:53 - Macedonia

Today, it's my birthday. My dad came to pick me up, but after I had put my backpack in the back seat and closed the car door, he drove off without me. It started to rain, and I was without my phone or wallet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 974

You deserved it 2 444

By Mrs. Ned - 09/09/2015 02:00 - United States - Incline Village

Today, I walked in on my husband having sex with the shower wall. When I got in the shower with him he immediately went soft. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 973

You deserved it 3 106

By houdini - 03/02/2009 00:42 - United States

Today, I went to a fast food restaurant. The guy behind me was a pretty hot latin guy. When I went to pay, my purse fell off the counter. My birth control pills, a condom, 3 super plus tampons and an extra pair of underwear I keep in there for emergencies fell out at his feet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 972

You deserved it 11 712

Nice of her

By Bill - 06/12/2009 20:28 - United States

Today, I was sitting on the couch with my 5 year-old on my lap. All of a sudden, she turned to me and said, "Daddy, I love your boobies. They're a good pillow." My own kid just called me fat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 972

You deserved it 18 131

By Weasel123 - 26/10/2012 07:58 - United States - Anadarko

Today, my roommate decided to go vegan after watching a PETA video. She began this new-found lifestyle by throwing out all of the non-vegan items in the house, including some prime rib we had recently purchased, all of our ice cream, and my chocolate stash. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 971

You deserved it 2 358

Butter fingers

By SplashOuch - 05/01/2010 17:58 - United States

Today, I was walking out of Starbucks when I sneezed, causing coffee to burn my nose. I screamed, dropped it, and sent scorching coffee all over my legs, while dropping everything else I was holding. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 969

You deserved it 7 203

By JillianJuneBug - 16/05/2015 16:16 - United States - Standish

Today, I got my driver's license. My dad made multiple copies of his insurance cards for me to give to people when I inevitably hit them. Because "Let's face it." FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 969

You deserved it 3 586

JillianJuneBug tells us more.

JillianJuneBug 39

Sunday 17 May 2015 16:05

Lol, my dad always had this type of sense of humor. He was mostly serious about this though, so we keep the 10+ cards in the glove box.

Amnesiac

By sexytime - 02/09/2009 06:33 - United States

Today, my best friend, who I've had serious feelings for for over a year, decided to tell everyone that he hasn't gotten laid in almost two years. When I told him that he was lying, he responded with, "No, I'm not. Who could I possibly have slept with?" We hooked up six months ago. Three times. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 969

You deserved it 4 253

Gummy

By speechless - 02/11/2010 17:20 - Canada

Today, I had a toothache and applied some numbing gel to soothe the pain. Too much came out and made my whole mouth numb. A man came into my work, thought I was making fun of his lisp, and stormed out really upset. He later called to complain about me. The boss just called me to his office. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 968

You deserved it 3 748

Crack!

By Anonymous - 10/02/2010 07:54 - United States

Today, I bought a brand new huge leather recliner. After laying down and watching football for some time, I sit up and hear a loud shatter. My iPhone was crushed by the mechanics of the chair after it slipped out of my pocket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 967

You deserved it 8 507

By anonymous - 14/03/2010 14:49 - United States

Today, I started to type up a mass text to tell a decent amount of my friends that I'd just come home to a surprise from my boyfriend. Trying to fix a typo, I accidentally hit send with the text only saying "Guess what?! I just came." FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 966

You deserved it 11 795

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Keywords

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The Top

Today, I got a warning for not covering a shift, on my day off, for someone who didn't want to go to work. Apparently the next time I “do something wrong", I'll either get warned again or fired, whichever they feel like doing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 018

You deserved it 1 038

Today, I finally got the guts to ask out my crush. She said yes and I was really happy. Then I woke up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 906

You deserved it 385

Today, I was at a public pool. A very fat kid yelled, "Cannon Ball!" He jumped right on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 847

You deserved it 4 527

Today, after suffering with bad constipation and having to eat special bread to get me to go, I have practically just pooped out a week's worth of food in 15 minutes, and I'm still going. I've passed the ring of fire stage, now I just can't feel my asshole. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 092

You deserved it 5 828

Today, it's my wife's birthday. I'm known for being forgetful and she already thinks I don't care. I had some little things planned for today, but her sister messaged me telling me to remember her birthday before I even said happy birthday. Now my wife is crying and upset because once again, I "only act on prompt." FML

I agree, your life sucks 509

You deserved it 156

Today, at work, there was some teenage hoodlums outside in our parking lot. When I tell them to leave, one of the bigger guys steps up and says "I'll kick your ass!". I yell "No balls!", to the teen. He then whips me to the ground and sits on my face, proving to me that he did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 649

You deserved it 51 857